Troubled Souls.

Did you know that if you go out in the sun, your faded, almost invisible scars, become dark and quite noticeable?

greatttt.

My head is a roller coaster.

Hi thereeee,

Sorry I've been gone for awhile. I don't really have an excuse, so whatever.

I've been keeping at 500 calories and I've also been going down in weight. Yaaaaay.

But everyday I feel like I'm cheating because I'm eating. Breakfast, lunch, and dinner. I'm eating cereals, AND apples! Sometimes if I know I won't make 500 calories because my morning's been too busy to eat, I take TWO things for lunch at work.

I feel like I'm being bad, like I'm guilty. I don't deserve this much food on a regular basis! I don't deserve food when I'm aspiring to be thinnnnn.

It's so stupid though because when I binge it's like, shit. But when I eat the foods I've planned to eat during the day it's like,


OMGOMGOMGOMGNONONONONOOMGOMGOMGOMGFATFATFATFATFAT


My life doesn't make sense.

Also, I hate being a part of society, lol. I hate going to work, and getting close to people, because when they go for five days off (or even two days off!) I fucking miss them, and feel so lonely even though there are still other people at my work place that I like. I feel so fragile.

I saw my two best friends for the first time since March the other day. It was fun, but when I came home I felt terrible. They're going to leave. They're going back to the city to go to university together, and they have all these awesome plans and all these awesome memories.

I hate it.

That's why I don't want to see anyone. It just hurts waaay too much.

kill me now.


Think thin!

♥,

Mint.

I just realized something.

I just realized that I have absolutely no control.

I either starve, or binge. Starve or binge. There's nothing in between and I've been letting myself think that I have control.

pft.


So I'm going to try to force myself to have 500 calories a day because I know that I burn at least that amount at work, and can burn more easily by working out.

I'm going to fast at least once a week, and have an egg on toast once a week for breakfast when I have a day off with my mom.

I'm also going to try to have at least one complex carb per day so that hopefully, I'll stop binging. This carb will probably be oatmeal for breakfast during the week, and that toast I'll have once a week.

ALSO, this sounds stupid and petty and pathetic, BUT WHATEVER, here it goes: I'm going to put a stamp on my leg everyday that I do well, and a cut for everyday that I don't do well. I think I need to threaten myself...

And once I gain some control back, I'm going to go down to 300 calories a day and two days fasting a week and so on and so forth.

Thanks for everyone who's giving me support! I definitely don't deserve it at all :/

Hope you're all well! I'm fasting tomorrow!

Think thinnnn

♥,

Mint.

Depression isn't when you feel immense sadness, it's when you feel nothing at all.

Hey thereee,

Sorry I've been gone for the last couple of days!

been busy failing at life.


I'm at my Grannie's being a fat fat fatty. Fat pathetic baby. Fat worthless whale. FAT.


The 5-day cleanse I'm on is this one: Flush more Fat

I originally was going to do a huge rant about how this kit is shit, but it's actually working now, so I'm happy. It's less aggressive than my favourite Slimquick one, but I have to remember that not everything should be painful...

I don't really know how to lead up to this next thought so I mind as well just blurt it out: I want to be happy.

But it's impossible for me. The only way I'll be happy, is when I'm thin. But even when I'm thin, I'll be constantly worried about the affects food has on me and I'll still think I'm fat.

I'm destined for unhappiness. It's so annoying really, because sometimes I feel like I'm so close to unlocking the key to what will really make me happy.

I guess I'll just continue to live in the shadows...

Dear Self: Remember that food will make you happy for about two seconds and then you feel even more pathetic and unhappy than before. Remember that going to sleep empty will make you happy all throughout the night and into the morning. Kay, thanks.

♥, Mint.

Down.

I'm down from yesterday.

It's sooo not enough though.

this is going to take forever and it's killing me.


Whatever, just stick with it...

Today I won't be able to work out because I have to pack, and then go to work, and then immediately after drive four hours with my mom to my Grannie's. But I'm fasting today, and tomorrow is the start of my 5-day cleanse! It better work, and I better not fuck this up.


Ugh I still can't get over how damn fat I am... I'm so ashamed.

Think thin girls!

♥,

Mint.

Today ended up turning around.

Hey~!

So, after my last post, I went to the store and bought my detox kit and a pedometer.

I was shocked that Wal-Mart didn't have my normal SlimQuick Cleanse either!

guess they stopped making it...


Now, I'm definitely a creature of habit, and I'm loyal as hell to all of my routines. If something throws me off, I feel all unbalanced.

I was standing in the aisle for like five minutes, looking at where the pills should have been thinking, "What am I going to do? What am I going to do? What the FUCK am I going to do!?"

I finally snapped out of it and bought a different cleanse! A five day one which will work perfectly because I'm gone for five days! Woo!

The pedometer I got is super cute and super slim, it's exactly what I need! I wore it today at work and found out that I burn about 500 calories/shift! It actually said 700 but I'm trying to make it more accurate by lowering it haha

I fasted today also, so I'm about -750 calories just from the exercise I've done! And I'm about to be down 250 more because I'm going to work out a little more before I go to sleep.

This will bring my grand total to: -1000 calories for the day.

Thank God.

I'm no longer lazy.

Hopefully tomorrow's weigh in is better!

♥, Mint.

WTF

I went UP from yesterday.

Honestly, what. the. FUCK?


Yesterday, I burnt 250 calories at eleven o'clock at night, and now I just finished burning 250 more before I go to work for the day.

I'm seriously so mad at myself right now.

I need to lose three pounds by tomorrow...

FUCK.


I'll fast today, and work out again once I get home. I need to lose weight.

And when I go to my Grannie's I'm not going to stop moving. I'm just going to walk all day everyday I'm there. Try to skip breakfast, apple for lunch, salad for dinner (Less than 200 calories a day).

FUCK. FUCKFUCKFUCKFUCK FUCK.


I need to go down to the store and buy a step-counter thing... And my detox pills for while I'm at my Grannie's (the store I went to yesterday didn't have them).

BYE.


♥, Mint.

Fuck it.

Just fuck everything.

I weighed myself.

fuck.


I'm not saying the number, but fuuuuuuuuck.

Fuck my heart, fuck my money.

i bought them.


Three bottles worth of diet pills, $90.00. I guess the price to be skinny has gone up.

These pills will last me exactly 45 days (if I don't miss a day, which I probably will, or if I don't decide to take double one day, which I most likely will).

I need to be skinny. It's not a want anymore, it's a necessity.

I've eaten half an apple today (decided that I don't need the whole thing), and that's all I'm going to eat.

I need to lose weighttttt.

I NEED TO LOSE IT NOW.


bye.


Mint.

Yesterday all I ate was chocolate.

Two pieces to be exact.

100 calories


I really didn't want to but my mom kept offering me things and I don't want her to get suspicious. She already thinks I have an eating disorder, I don't want her to act upon her thoughts and bring me to a doctor or something. That would just make things worse...

Anyway, as you've probably figured out, I haven't boughten my diet pills yet T_T

I was going to go this morning but I slept in and now I feel like it's too late. Plus, my heart hurt last night and was just another sign against them... BUT I JUST CAN'T STAND HOW FAT I AM.

It feels like I'm not losing any weight, that I just keep getting fatter. I really need my scale to keep my head in reality, but I'm way too scared to step on it, I mean WAY too scared.

I need my legs to be not as fat, my stomach to be not as bulgy, my red bracelet to be less tight, and my hips less wide before I can even THINK of stepping on it.

if i were to step on it now, i'd break it...


Ugh, I'm going crazy again. Don't mind me, I'm just falling down the rabbit hole...

hopefully this time, it's to stay.


♥,

Mint.

HAPPI

Hellooooo~,

Feeling so good today! Fasted, of course.

I always feel so pure when I've fasted!

So happy so happy so happy!

♥,

Mint.

Yesterday was bad.

Hi thereee,

Yesterday I had another mini binge, worse than the day before though.

Thank God I work today and can get away from food!

starve, starve, starve


I probably had about 800 calories yesterday... I don't want to think about it.

so patheticcccc


Anyway, starve today, starve tomorrow, eat little on Tuesday, starve the next day and BOOM, vacation.

I really need someone to help me through that vacation actually... I'm so scared >.<

♥,

Mint.

Proud?

Yesterday, I realized how much I've re-emerged myself into this world.

It was a bad day calorie-wise, but let me explain...

I had about 500 calories yesterday.

• Salad at Subway (75 at most)
• 2 cups of watermelon (about 92)
• Gingersnaps (300)

The gingersnaps mark my wanna-be binge.

I had to actually force myself to eat them. I had a strong will to throw them out but I forced them into my mouth, chew chew swallow.

After that I told myself, "Okay, I'm going to binge now. What should I eat?"

I went straight to the bread, one loaf was starting to get mouldy, "Yes! I can throw it out!"

I put two pieces of the other loaf into the toaster, "I'll have peanut butter and jam on it." I take out the unopened jar of peanut butter, open in it, immediately spit in it, then throw the jar into my garbage.

The toast pops up, "I'll have butter instead of the peanut butter."

I open the cupboard, skip the butter all together and just put on jam. A thin layer.

I pick up one of the pieces, take a small bite, chew, chew, stop. chew, chew. I can't make myself swallow. I run to the pantry and get a plastic bag, spit.

I couldn't make myself eat it! I chewed and spat out the rest of the toast, finishing my so called binge.

My mom came home from work really upset, she made guacamole, and ate some dark chocolate. I couldn't make myself eat any of it.

And that's good, really good. I mean, to not be able to eat it? That means I'm really back for good.

Right now I just want to become comfortable in my own clothes again. I hate being fricken obese...

Today will be alright, skipped breakfast, it's very likely that I could skip lunch too. Supper is a salad.

Think thin!

♥,

Mint.

Evil thoughts are taking over.

Today, I was a good little girl and ate nothing.

My insides are pink and pristine, clean and without sin.

I'm like Alice with my diet coke, slowly shrinking, shrinking, shrinking...


Tomorrow I'll be smaller than I am today, and tomorrow, and tomorrow...

I love the magic of weight loss.

It's a spell that you put on yourself.

"A glass of iced water to make her freeze off the calories... A can of diet coke to keep binges at bay... And a cup a steaming black coffee, with one sweetener to raise the metabolism... Now for the incantation: DO. NOT. EAT."


I love this feeling. The feeling of control, the feeling of empty, the feeling of power. It makes me want to laugh at all the weak fat people, "I missed my breakfast! I feel so faint! GIVE ME A WHOLE COW TO EAT BEFORE I DIE RIGHT HERE AND RIGHT NOW!"


pathetic.


Those are the "normal" people, the ones who see food as a necessity.

We are the ones who see it as a way to change our size.

Eat the Caterpillar's magic mushroom, the White Rabbit's cookie, and grow you worthless whore.
Drink from the bottle that's on the table with the key? And shrink, shrink, disappear.


In this world of eating disorders, we're all mad here. I'm mad, you're mad.


don't you just love it?


Think thin lovelies.

♥, Mint.

Just Kidding

Working out in the morning, too tired to do anything right now...

Fuck.

Fuck,

I ate today.

again.

I had some pasta salad, and a piece of cake.

FUCK.

Fat fucking whore.

Fat fucking WHALE.

I'm going to exercise tonight before bed. I need to burn at least 500 calories. Just because that's what mind brain is telling me.

Tomorrow, I'm not eating.

Friday I'm eating a salad at subway with my friend. It'll have lettuce, cucumber, pickles, banana peppers, and a little green pepper, with a little sweet onion dressing because it's fat free (this salad sounds like a waste of a meal and a waste of 7 dollars). I'll also have a large diet coke.

coffee, smokes, and cold diet cokes...

Then I'll try to fast as much as I can on Saturday while my mom is home. Sunday should be easier because I work. Monday I'll fast. Tuesday I'm hanging out with a friend, I'll say I ate before hanging out with her and then when my mom gets home later that night, I'll say I ate out with my friend. 11th and 12th I'll fast. 13th, I'm going to my grannies until the 17th...

I'll have to think about how I'll eat at her house. I always go crazy while I'm there...

pathetic slob...

Alright, that's all I have to say for now, think thin ladies!

Oh and hope your day was better than mine, Sammi! Glad you like my blog ^.^

♥, Mint.

Tic, Tok, Thyme goes on...

Finishing day two of the faaaaaaast.

Bring on day three!

Almost Empty.

Heeeey,

The 1st day of my fast didn't go how I planned (I was forced to eat a bowl of honeydew, and salad at work), but I'm almost empty right? That's better than I have been lately.

Today I will make myself proud though; One bowl of cup a soup (80 cal) at work of supper.

I've got this!

Think thin!

♥,

Mint.