And of course it's raining right now too

So I finally got an email back from my uni saying that the courses from the uni that's closer to home aren't transferable.

Which means that I have to go back to Kelowna, which means that I have to go back and live all by myself and yeah. I'm not excited.

I thought that if I could just have next year with my high school friends, that everything would be okay, and that I could handle spending the year after by myself in Kelowna.

But I don't think I'm ready to be by myself now. And I'm scared to go back.

Life sucks. I hate it.

- Mint.

Post Title

Today I was thinking about suicide again, and about ripping my stomach open as usual, or like hacking away at my wrist.

Usually I try to ignore those thoughts, but when it gets too much, I usually end up cutting.

When I cut, the thoughts are numbed a bit, but are still there. So today I drank instead. I just wanted the thoughts to actually go away for a bit and I thought alcohol would silence them.

I think it worked, I'm not sure. I started drinking before work, thus I had to drive to work drunk, and then proceed to work drunk as well.

It wasn't the smartest idea, but honestly, who even gives a damn? Not me.

I'm home now and the thoughts are back. But it's finally night again where I'm allowed to be dead to the world for at least 8 hours. I love sleep.

- Mint.

There's a hole in the world like a great black pit and it's filled with people who are filled with shit; and the vermin of the world inhabit it...

I've decided that life is okay as long as I'm not alone, or thinking about school work.

But I'm most frequently alone, and procrastinating school work, which means CONSTANTLY thinking about school work and becoming increasingly anxious throughout each day.

I've also decided that people suck and need to raised better.

If you're the type of person who complains about how no one likes you, and how your life sucks on Facebook, or the special few who feel the need to complain on both Facebook AND tumblr about the same things (if you rant on just tumblr it's a whole different story, Facebook changes things), I've got a beef with you.

If you complain and get responses from people who are trying to help, and you appreciate their kindness, then GOOD FOR YOU, YOU'RE A DECENT HUMAN BEING.

BUT, if you are the type of person who complains, receives replies of concern/help/kindness/whatever, and then IGNORES them, then FUCK YOU.

Just, fuck you, you little piece of ignorant shit.

Obviously you surround yourself with people who don't care about you and you push away those who do care about your existence. So that's your karma; you've made your bed, now shut the fuck up and lay in it you little bitch.

People just need to learn that it's fucking rude to ignore someone, especially when they've gone to the trouble (MAYBE EVEN MORE THAN ONCE) to try to put a fucking smile on your face, or to make your heart feel a little lighter.

They need to learn how to appreciate those who do come to your aid. They actually care about whether or not your okay, and if you aren't okay, they want to try their best to help. DON'T BE DUMB AND IGNORE THEM AS IF YOU'RE TOO GOOD FOR THE HELP YOU ASKED FOR.

And lastly, they need to learn that if, when you're posting about how you're obviously not okay on Facebook and your good friends don't check up on you, you need new friends.

I feel like the older I get the more I see how people are terrible, terrible creatures. I learnt in high school that people can't be trusted, most of your friends aren't friends at all, and that no one will help you when you're drowning.

And now, I'm starting to learn that if you try to take what you learnt from your own past, and make it so that others can trust you, and allow them to see that there are people who do want to be friends and who will at least try to help you, people will just ignore you entirely.

PEOPLE ARE IGNORANT FUCKS, AND I HATE THEM.

- Mint.

This thought keeps haunting me.

I really just want to slit my stomach open and rip all my guts out.


But that's not okay.

Ooh la, the world just chewed her up, spat her outttt.

This post isn't about food or anything, it's just a normal person post basically.

So I put in my two weeks notice at work on the 16th which means that my last day as a cake decorator is on the 30th.

I start training the new girl tomorrow, and I secretly want to train her super badly so that everything just crumbles and they're like,

"OMG MINT WE MISS YOU AND NEED YOU AND YOU WERE SO AWESOME HOW DID WE TAKE YOU FOR GRANTED!?"

I decided to quit because I'm really behind in school and just want it DONE. Plus, if I don't have a job in the summer, I HAVE EVERYDAY TO DO WHATEVER.

Of course I'll work on school and stuff, but it also means that I'm not chained to commitments, you see?

Mom says that as long as I'm working hard on school, she'll give me some money so I'm not entirely broke.

I want this summer to be memorable. Usually all my summers suck and I don't do anything.

BUT THIS SUMMER, this summer will be good! Full of music and smokes, and coffee, and stars, and sun, and driving, and laughter, and just yeah. I want it to be good.

The one bad thing about not working is that I won't get to see cute clean-up boy every second day :(

I really wish he liked me lol sometimes I think he does, but that's probably in my head.

PLUS, he has a girlfriend.
PLUS, I'm going back to university in a few months so I guess it really doesn't matter.

BUT FUCK, I wish guys weren't so cute and perfect...

What else can I write about? I told B that I'd try to make it long but I really don't know what to write about.

OH, B CAME HOME LIKE LAST WEEK AND I FELT BACK BECAUSE I DITCHED HER MULTIPLE TIMES BECAUSE IT WAS JUST A BAD STRESSFUL WEEKEND, SORRY, BUT I LOVE YOU THANK YOU COME AGAIN.

Also I want to learn  how to play the guitar!! I think I might try to get into that this summer too.

Just an update on the eating thing:

Lately I haven't really been eating anything until dinner without even realizing it. But my mom's been really busy and stressed with work so she's been buying a lot of junk food for dinner lately so that's been screwing me over (since I haven't really been focusing on food specifically at the moment).

But I think that after April everything will begin to fall into place. I won't be working at a fucking BAKERY with sugar EVERYTHING there, and mom won't be buying junk, and I'll be more active hanging out with friends and stuff. So I'm crossing my fingers for that.

I made a really long, deep cut yesterday, barely any blood. so there's that too.

My friends and I are planning a road trip this summer to the ocean which means heat, and water. Which normally means shorts and bathing suits.

How am I going to hide my legs? Last year was easy because I just didn't go out, but this year? I've been thinking about this for awhile and have no idea what to do.

I can't pull off dresses and skirts.

- Mint.

BLEH.

Binged right after the fast.

So I'm fasting again to get it right.

Lately I've been trying to see how the courses at the university where my friends are at transfer over to the university that I go to, so that I can live with my friends this upcoming year.

But it's taking forever and now everyone's plans are changing.

It was supposed to be me and my three friends living in a house together and it was supposed to be awesome.

Except now, my one friend is going to live with her parents because they're moving to the city and it would be cheaper for her, my other friend is stuck in the apartment that her dad bought for her (even though she can't afford the rent he's making her pay), and my last friend made plans to live with this other girl because apparently she just wants to know she has a place to live next year.

So everything sucks basically.

I don't want to live alone, and I definitely don't want to go back to Kelowna and live alone.

I don't know, but all of these options suck, a lot. And I don't even want to do anything.

I hate everything and life sucks so much omg. Whoever said that "it gets better" was totally wrong.

I don't want to wait until I'm 50 for things to get better. And even then it won't be better because I'll be OLD.

I DON'T WANT TO EVEN BE 19. How can I cope with turning 20? And 21? And so on?

I was fine being 4 or 5. Let's just go back to that, okay?

Okay.

- Mint.

It's empty in the valley of your heart.

Remember that razor blade I stole from work this summer?

Yeah, I tried it again today and decided that I like it way better than my scissors.

The weekend wasn't too bad calorie-wise. Sunday was over for sure, but I figure that if I eat a high calorie amount every so often, my metabolism won't die.

Today was a fast day and I'm so cold and tired.

We're out of cake at work again and there's so many orders coming in and the set stock is incredibly low.

I'm not interested at all in school so I just keep getting further and further behind.

Last week was interesting because cute boy at work was told that his girlfriend was cheating on him. BUT the day after, everything was fine because his whore of a girlfriend (who is actually cheating on him) got him to believe that she isn't. So that's anti-climactic...

I also got a lecture from my one guy friend about smoking and how bad it is for you blahblahblah. He wouldn't shut up about it, but the most annoying part was that he linked it to my ED and depression and stuff. WHICH IS STUPID AND TOTALLY WRONG AND I WAS LIKE NO AND HE WAS LIKE YES AND I WAS LIKE OMG YOU DON'T EVEN KNOW ME APPARENTLY WHICH IS SAD BECAUSE I THOUGHT YOU DID KNOW ME AND NOW THIS IS WEIRD BECAUSE YOU'RE TOTALLY DIFFERENT FROM WHO I THOUGHT YOU WERE AND NOW I DON'T EVEN WANT TO TALK TO YOU EVER AGAIN.

So I'm not going to talk to him anymore. He was getting boring anyway.

I might go and get drunk by myself now... Life really sucks.

- Mint.

Just an update.

Hi there!

Just wanted to update you:

• Tuesday I broke my limit and had 700 calories.
• Wednesday my mom made dessert which broke my limit again and I had 700 calories.
• But THURSDAY, I finally made it and had a good 500!

Today will be good too so 500 is definitely what I'll be having.

Tomorrow my mom said that she wanted to make me supper (she loves cooking), so I'll fast for the day until dinner time.

Planning is essential for restricting. If I plan I can have whatever my mom makes all the time, or go out with friends, and not feel entirely guilty. When I don't have time to plan or think, chaos happens.

I didn't fast on Wednesday like I was planning, but I'm pleased that my calorie intake wasn't too high (for just starting restricting again).

I think that if I steadily restrict, and fast Monday's, I'll have a better chance than fasting Mondays and binging everyday after.

B was supposed to come up this weekend, but it decided to snow, and other stuff so she's not :(

ONE DAY THOUGH.

I'm also reading Winter Girls for the fourth time haha I love that book, it has such a good writing style.

- Mint.

Such a failure.

Decided to add two more rules:

1. Fruit only for breakfast for forever (if I have breakfast)
2. Soup only for lunches

Today wasn't so bad, but I didn't meet my restriction goal :/ pathetic I know.

BUT, I decided that I'm going to fast tomorrow, so there's that.

- Mint,

How long will this last?

Okay, this is it. And I mean it this time! 100%, let's go.

The rules?

1. No more sweets, period. No more sweets ever in my entire life, no more.
2. A strict 500 calorie budget, for forever.
3. Monday=Fast day
4. No binges. Sorry, they're not allowed ever again so too fucking bad.
5. Write on here or in my journal everyday, even if it's just to list what I've eaten.