127.8 this morning.

I'm super dreading starting this goddamn job on Wednesday.

I've never dreaded work this much before. Like, normally I'm nervous and excited but scared but excited.

But right now, it's 100% dread. I don't think I'm ready for this kind of a job right now...

I'm stressing about all the days I'll need off coming up for BB's multiple court dates (I think he has 4 this month?) and for going down to BC to celebrate my brother's one-year of being sober. He's so excited for me to go.

The last two days I've been supremely depressed because of the impending doom that is work; because I found out BB still talks to this girl that he tried to cheat on me with last year about this time (I've met her boyfriend before); because I want to leave but don't want to leave and have no idea what I should do or how I should go about it; because I don't know who the fuck I am anymore apparently.

I don't think I ever really knew who I was but I'm so lifeless and afraid of so many things that I feel as if I'm a living shell.

I have no thoughts, I can't remember anything, I have no interests, no inspiration...

I was thinking about this last night because all I've wanted to do for the last few days is sketch something, or take pictures, or write, or do anything creative. But nothing ever comes to mind and the general thought exhausts me.

I was thinking about how I only ever want to be someone else, someone else, so who the fuck am I?

I have no idea. There are all these personalities I like to dip my feet into but none that ever fit. This might actually be because of my depression and anxiety taking over my life. I just thought of that. It makes a lot of sense...

Last night I was thinking too about how I really need to talk to somebody.

I need to talk about my suicide attempt because it scares me. Every time I do something wrong I feel like absolute shit and wonder why the fuck didn't it work? What the fuck is wrong with me, I can't even fucking kill myself right. It makes me want to try again, or self-harm.

I really want to talk about the moment I had in the tub too. The moment where I lost my sanity and started talking in a weird voice and laughing to myself about I don't know what. That scares me a lot actually. What if it happens again? When I decided to kill myself I know now that it was extremely irrational but in the moment it was like, "Yup! This is what needs to be done." So I mean... it's just scary. My head.

I want to fix my anxiety and depression. Because right now I'm afraid to do literally anything by myself. Yes, there are a few moments where I can like, walk to the car myself or find something in the grocery by myself. But in general, no. It's too scary. My depression is so bad right now that it seriously feels like my head is in a never-lifting fog. Like I said, I can't remember shit.

I'd like to talk to someone about my relationship, because I know it's not right... I don't know, I just think I need to get a lot off my chest.

Sometimes talking about this kind of stuff, even to really close, unbiased friends, feels like I'm being dramatic. And I feel selfish and petty and stupid. So I think a professional is who I'd like to talk to.

Sidenote: BB did say that if I don't want to work at the job I'll be working at then I don't need to take it. But I know I'll feel guilty like I already do, and I know we need the money, and I know he'll end up using it in a fight.

He uses all my insecurities when we fight. He calls me fatso, crazy, and a spoiled princess "because mommy and daddy take care of me". He tells me I'm disgusting and embarrassing because of my scars, that he deserves better. When I walk away because I've heard enough he usually shouts something like, "Oh, you going to go cut yourself some more?"

These are during fights and I know he's saying these things because he knows it gets to me, but it hurts and again, makes me wonder why the fuck I couldn't kill myself.

- Mint.

My head hurts like a mother fucker.

Hellooo~!


I just updated my stats ;)

I haven't done that in YEARS.

Today, yesterday, and the day before my head has been pounding. I think it might be a slight concussion from when BB pinned me on the ground during our last fight on Wednesday. I think this because my head hasn't hurt like this since September when he did give me a concussion.

My body is pretty sore in general though. Not all from him though lol don't worry; except for beside my right eye it hurts to touch because he slammed my head a little when he choked me to the ground.

Wow, that sounds intense but I swear it wasn't. I'd have bruises if it was intense and I've got nothing so yeah, don't worry.

The real reason my body is aching is because of our bed I'm thinking. I think we need to flip the mattress because springs are digging into me. I've got a bruise on the small of my back, right above my butt crack and a bruise on my left hip from it. ALSO, sleeping is getting difficult too because I'm fucking bony man. Like, I can't sleep on my side with my knees together because they just jab into each other, so I have to spread them out while on my side. But then since they're spread out it kinks my back again and it's annoying. Or my hips dig into the springs because there's no more cushion on them.

Ummmm...

I start my new job at Home Outfitters as their visual merchandiser on Wednesday so I guess that's cool. Makin' money and shit.

Honestly though, I was really hoping Starbucks would call me back haha right now, I really want a job with no responsibility. Something easy going and non-stressful. Being a visual merchandiser, you've got a lot riding on your shoulders. I mean, I'm responsible for the store's appearance. That's kind of important, you know?

AND this job is more like, "interior design merchandising" as opposed to "fashion merchandising". So I'm doing something I've never done before. And know what else? I'll have to make beds... I SUCK AT MAKING BEDS. ALWAYS HAVE, ALWAYS WILL.

Like, I can make a bed. But it takes me forever.

Also, they've never had a visual merchandiser in there before so I'm filling a brand new position. That means people are going to be very interested in wtf I'm doing. Don't you just love people staring at you and judging your work Mint?

NO, NO I DO NOT.

My life is very conflicting. I crave attention but most times, when I get it, I hate it and want to crawl in a dark hole to die.

Whatever, whatever. Experience, money, and exercise. That's all I need in a job and I've got it. Who knows though, maybe Starbucks will hit me up haha

Another thing I should note before I go is that I need to focus on making my goddamn portfolio the next little while so I can get into fashion design school. It's been on my list for two years now, wtf is my problem?

Maybe I'll write another post tomorrow about more of my stresses with BB. Actually, I probably won't because he has tomorrow off. I'm hoping we can go to a park :3

SUNDAY, Sunday I'll update y'all.

Love you, hope everyone is doing alright. ♥

- Mint.

HALLELUJAH!

Hi,


I have a lot to say but I don't want to say it because I'm tired and stressed.

Which is weird because a blog is meant to destress you but whatever, apparently I'm just useless.

I just wanted to showwwwww youuuuuuu thissssssss!!!H!UIGB!EHLGE!IUG!UIUE!

YES THAT'S CORRECT

I

MINT THE FATSO HAVE FINALLY REACHED THE 120S

FINALLY

AFTER YEARS OF TORTURE AND ANGUISH AND DEFEAT

I AM HERE

BY EATING HOT DOGS AND PIZZA AND EVERYTHING 2011 MINT WOULD SCREAM AT.

Don't get me wrong here, it's not like I'm gorging myself with all this shit. It's that I eat one meal a day, and I haven't binged in at least a solid year.

My weight isn't yo-yoing from weeks of fasting followed by binging because I didn't reach my goal. My weight is stable because of me not starving.

Some days I eat a bit more, some days I eat a bit less.

Some days I eat hot dogs with the buns, other days I just eat a salad, other days still I skip eating because I'm too busy drinking.

It's amazing. I've never looked at myself this much before. Not because I'm beautiful now (oh god no, I'm the furthest thing from that) but because I don't believe I'm this tiny.

I have a natural pear shape so I've got the hips and the butt. These are the parts I've always hated the most, and the parts that have hardly ever changed throughout my years of battling my reflection.

BUT NOW? Things are moving. I have underwear that is getting too big for me. Like wtf?

I'm a size 8 in pants now which is the smallest I've been since December 2011. I can even fit into the jeans I've saved from grade 9 before said hips and butt smacked me in the face. They're a size 7 and I haven't been able to get them on/zipped up since grade 9. Since I was 14!! 9 years ago!!!!

Also, I am sooooo close to my thigh gaaaaaaaaaap! Ugh, it's driving me insane. Literally, there's one tiny spot where my thighs touch and it's the lightest kiss they could give. If I wiggle even the slightest while my feet are together, I'm telling you, those thighs are fucking apart.

My top was usually tiny but now it's like, pretty tiny hahaha ALL of my tops are too big. Even the tops I had in the back of my closet for those brief skinny times I've had are too big. It's awesome but because of the insane bagginess paired with my huge bottom half, it makes me look just as big as before and I hateeee it. It's so not fair.

Holy shit, I'm looking at the goals I have written on the side here and I'm almost at GW 2!! I forgot I had a GW 2 hahaha I thought it went 130, 125, 120, 115. But that's cute of me, giving me some pride for properly being in the 120s.

Also, I'm actually 5'9, not 5'8. Technically I'm 5'8 and three quarters but BMI wise and shit, it makes more sense to put 5'9. I should update that probably since I'm not at an embarrassing weight anymore hahaha

I seriously can't believe I'm here. A weight I've been chasing for like 8 years at least. I'm like fucking 4 pounds away from being classified as underweight. Right? 125 was underweight for me? I can't remember...

The key here for me is to not get too obsessed. Sometimes I can feel myself slipped by weighing myself multiple times a day, or trying to eat less and less, but I've just got to distract myself and I'll just keep motoring along!

I will admit though that some foods have been giving me anxiety lately. And sometimes I get binge-like cravings. Or I'll start eating something and then spit it out because I suddenly feel that it's not worth the calorie-intake. So I should be cautious of that too.

Side-note: I can't remember how this came up in conversation but I was explaining to our friend Jordan about how I look at food as a number in a sense. And so I was telling him how it can get obsessive like for making a salad (see 2011's "La Salade"). To get my point across more I just kept prattling off more numbers matching to more foods until I ran out of breath and in the end he thought it was the weirdest thing in the entire world. Which is weird to ME because it seems like the most normal thing in the world. Food translates to numbers. It's not hard, it's easy to remember. It's just a different language I was brought up with (I'm bi-linguini-al, LUUUUUUL).

Anyway, that's about all I have to boast about. It's 2 in the morning right now so I should probably try to go to sleep now. My anxiety has been really bad at night since my suicide attempt, only when I have to go to sleep alone though (which is most days since BB works nights *sad face*).

BUT YEAH, LOVE YOU ALL EVEN THOUGH NO ONE READS THIS ANYMORE

(please come back I thrive on attention)

- Mint.

Should I stay or should I go now?

If I stay there will be trouble; if I go there will be double.

In the past two years of dating BB I've never debated leaving as much as I have been over these past two weeks.

There has always been reasons to go and reasons to stay, but the reasons that have been filling my head lately seem very logical and reasons that will not go away...

We fight constantly; I never get to see him, he never wants to see me.

He wants me to be a house wife. Someone who will look after him and his needs. Someone who will always be there waiting for him to be graced with his presence.

That is someone I've never ever wanted to even be like. I am a romantic yes, however I'm not in the 1950s. I'm someone who longs for an ever-lasting love, a love of equality.

Sure, I'd do the whole kid thing for him but only if we'd both do the raising and caring and providing.

Other than that, I think I'll never be able to fully trust him. I'm always worrying that he's cheating on me. I'm always worrying that he doesn't truly love me. I'm always worrying that I'm being used.

The worst thing in the world would be to have a family with him and then years past my prime he cheats on me with a younger girl and leaves me with three kids I don't want.

I don't want that. I don't want to risk that. I don't want a life where we're always fighting and I'm always worrying and always mad at the possibility of him flirting with other girls behind my back.

'Cause you know what? He still fucking talks to Shelby. This girl who lives in the city we live in and has been bothering my relationship since August 2014.

It began with me finding out that they sent selfies to one another, and that he would always lie about where our relationship was to her, that he would talk to her whenever we were in a fight, that they "missed" each other, that she wanted him to visit her, that she didn't like seeing pictures of me with him...

He always says there's nothing there and that he would never cheat. He always says she has a boyfriend, but isn't that  how cheating works?

I even texted her once saying she could have him because I was sick of her ruining my relationship every time it was going good. She replied calling me a jealous bitch, saying she already had a boyfriend, and that she would do whatever the fuck she wanted.

Now, I've been in the situation before where I've been really good friends with a guy who's girlfriend gets jealous and defensive. Which is totally understandable. Whenever this has happened to me, and I don't want to lose my friend, I make an effort to talk to the girl. I make an effort to explain that I don't want to step on toes, I don't want to steal her man, and I tell her how important the friendship is to me and why. I'm always very respectful and it always ends up going well.

NOW, IF YOU WERE SHELBY, WANTING TO CONTINUE TALKING TO BB AS A FRIEND WOULDN'T YOU THINK SHE'D TRY TO MAKE ME FUCKING LIKE HER?

What's worse is I found out that he was talking to her the night I was trying to kill myself. I was in a bathtub filled with my own blood and my boyfriend was saying "Heeeeeeeey" to a girl who was asking him to come visit her at work.

He also always deletes their conversations so I can never know all of the conversations they've had...
SHE'S EVEN PHONED HIM BEFORE.

So, this is bothering me like really bad. It gets worse and worse and worse and I think I might just leave him because of that. I've asked him to stop talking to her many times. I even sneakily blocked her number on his phone before, but nothing works, they still talk behind my back.

Like, if this girl is soooo important that he'd risk his relationship just to talk to her, then fuck, talk to her all you want because I'm done.

The problem is I'm waiting to get my damage deposit back after our lease is up at the end of June, and I'm waiting to sell this shitty car I used when my actual car was damaged.

After those things are taken care of, I can leave and go back to Kelowna. This city is too ghetto for me anyway.

Obviously this is a big decision. Obviously I've been thinking about it for a while now. Well two weeks ago I guess hahaha ohhhh suicide attempts, always getting you thinkin'...

I'd like to see this all work out. I'd like for my relationship to keep going. I would, I really would.

I'm going to have a talk to him about this tomorrow actually, and tell him that I'm deciding by the end of the month, just so it doesn't seem so sudden. I'm scared to talk to him though for obvious reasons. I mean no one would like to have that talk. I just know he's going to be mad about it, but it's bothering me too much.

I mean, I almost left last weekend. My clothes are still all packed...

Ugh, it's scary too; being alone again.

BB is the only guy I've ever been attracted to ever. The only one I ever thought I'd be with.

Thinking about kissing anyone else, having sex? It grosses me out, I don't like it.

Thinking about BB kissing someone else, having sex? Bringing them to meet his friends? To meet his family? I think about it so much. The girl that I could never be...

I imagine her shorter and skinnier with thick, curly, chocolate brown hair. She's Italian like me but her family is actually a family and BB loves it. She's so much fun and makes him smile, makes him laugh. She makes him the person he wants to be. The person I tried so hard to help him become...

She goes camping with him and they get into all sorts of trouble and his friends think she's the best thing since sliced bread. She even brings them all food when she's invited to hang out. She's amazing and her mind is healthy and I hate her and she makes me cry because I'm not her.

I don't wanna go... but I don't know if I can stay.

I'm really sad and anxious and don't know what to do.

- Mint.

You're my downfall, you're my muse. My worst distraction, my rhythm and blues.

I really messed up. I tried to kill myself a couple days ago and I really hurt BB with my actions.

I don't know what triggered it. BB works nights and I work days. This particular day he worked overtime and was due home at about 9 in the morning. But he owed his coke friend some money so decided to stop there first.

But he was gone for so long, I was getting worried he wouldn't bring the car home in time for me to work.

Also, the day before I sold my beloved broken civic and bought this escape that BB has always wanted. It was supposed to be "our" car. Like a family thing and we could go camping and have sex in the back and there's a sunroof. It was exciting kinda and I was just happy that I could get him something he's always wanted.

Anyway... he said he's going to be home soon and he isn't. He keeps saying he'll leave soon, but he doesn't.

Suddenly I get an email transfer for 30 bucks and I start freaking out. I phoned him and asked if the 30 was for a cab and he said yeah and I flipped.

Something about how he didn't love me, how he didn't respect me, how he got the car he wanted and then was gonna leave me, how he was probably hanging out with girls as we spoke.

I don't know. I freaked out and refused to cab. I told him that he needs to return what he took from me (the car). And he said no, and that I should cab to work or to the car.

That wasn't an option in my head apparently. So I texted my boss saying I couldn't come in. She said if I didn't come in I was fired because I didn't go in on Monday because I overdosed on my medication due to alcohol and was too fucked up.

So after that I blocked her number, blocked the store's number, and told BB that I was going to end it.

I grabbed the left over bottle of vodka (1/3), grabbed a bunch of scissors and my pencil sharpened razor and locked myself in the bathroom.

I waited for a bit to see how BB would reply but he didn't. So I went to work on myself.

After awhile I decided to run a bath because I heard that it makes the blood flow quicker/your veins surface due to the heat.

I don't like thinking about what happened after. It happens in flashes.

The water slowly getting darker and darker.

Me getting drunker and drunker, angrier and angrier with every breathe...

I texted BB angry notes about how he never loved me. I wrote suicide notes confessing my love to him.

My phone dropped in the water at some point. Still works.

I was getting angry that I wasn't dead yet and worried that I wouldn't die. So I started cutting everywhere. Harder and more frequent.

The bath water was like a dark chocolate brown with a red hue in it.

At this point I remember laughing about stuff and crying about stuff and talking in a really weird voice. I don't remember what was said but I don't think I'd want to remember anyway...

I remember texting gibberish to BB thinking that he'd "just know" what I meant. But then I remember getting mad at myself because Iwas acting more fucked up than I was; which isn't true at all.

I got bored of the tub (I had drained and refilled it 3 times) so I ran and got BB's sleeping pills and figured I'd just drown in my own blood. When I was up I made sure to lock all the doors/windows and put the chain lock on the main door so BB wouldn't be the one to find me first.

There were only 4 left in the packet and I could only open 3 of them but fuck, it worked fast.

Suddenly, I decide dying in my own blood is stupid. I decided that I'd cab to the car and drive it over a cliff.

I text BB asking where the car was but that's when I was almost gone. I got up to get dressed but passed out in bed, bleeding all over my white towel.

This, btw all happened between 1-4 in the afternoon. But I remember it so clearly being in the middle of the night.

I woke to BB opening the front door and somehow removing the chain lock so he can come in. He turn on the lights and throws the blankets off of my and grabs my arm, then sees my other arm, then looks at my leg, and my other leg. I don't know what he's saying but he's mad at me and he's yelling at me. He goes to the bathroom and sees my notes and a bathtub full of blood and yells more.

I finally clue in when he says he's phoning my mom to come pick me up because I need help. She doesn't answer so he tells me to get dressed because we're going to the hospital.

I remember protesting and saying I'm fine and idk.

It's a long night of him yelling and threatening to hurt himself because of what I did (he's obviously drunk and high).

After a long few hours we end up putting all the sharp things in our room and sleeping in the living room because we don't trust each other. He sleeps on the floor and I sleep on the couch.

So in the morning he makes me phone my mom to talk about it and she says I should be committed for a bit because I need serious help apparently. I tell her no, I was just being dramatic.

Since then, BB won't look at me or talk to me really. He says I'm not the girl he fell in love with. That I'm embarrassing. That I hurt him really bad.

He did give me a piece of pizza yesterday though. And he does text me still to let me know that he got to work safely. And asks if I need anything when he goes out.

He's super angry though...  says he's thinking about what to do but I really think he deserves someone better.

I always mess up and hurt him so much. I always tell him I won't do it again, but guess what? I do it again.

I'm so hurt and miss him so much. I just want a hug... but I know he's afraid I'll break.

I weigh 130.4 now though so that's cool.

I wrote two poems after two years.

1. Nostalgia

For the dark hole I dug myself into years ago.

Nostalgia

For the nights I can't remember; the nights I can't seem to fucking forget.

Nostalgia

For cold metal digging into fat fucking thighs

(mommy why are they so big?)

For the blood spilling over,

The sound drops to the floor.

Nostalgia,

To be so blatantly the sad girl I still am.

(the girl I can no longer play with because she calls me names and gets me in trouble)

To be hiding but still open to express

No one to worry about aside from yourself

Because, who cares about you?

Nostalgia for when I had nothing

For when I was no one

For when I was a living ghost

I know you are a cruel jester; playing tricks in my head;

Trying to get me to take the splintered shovel once more

To jump into cold, dark, comforting surroundings...

But I love you,

And you pulled me out kicking and screaming.

Yet please understand, placement does not change what the mind is locked on to.

I'm just as dead as when you first met me

(just more sober with a little hope)

Hope that you're right; life is worth attending

(you've waken me up for this, please don't disappoint)

Oh how I long to sleep,

How I long to distract myself from my ever looming sadness with pain

Not from the heart

Quite the opposite in fact

Holes expelling from my own self-hatred

Nostalgia

How you toy with me my love...

For something I begged to be released from.

2. Please take a minute:

A timer you constantly add to,

When counting down my last.

My life being dragged out;

Stretched.

Always a fight.

Patch me up with a couple more; it'll fade but then we can do it all again

Stop holding me up like a smiling puppet

Happily and gracefully reading the lines you've provided

How long can a stern talking to keep me off the plank?

How long can a shake keep me stable?

How long can I bend until I break?

Reach until I fall...

Take your fist out of my ass.

I'm in too deep now to go abruptly,

To take the plunge.

Guess it's time once more to quietly fade away

To count the tics and the toks this life keeps echoing

Can you be as light as a feather?

Same old, same old

Same sad routine

Slow and steady wins this race,

You know how to play

You know this dance unfortunately well.

The one thing you're sort of good at:

Self-destruction.

Do you feel clever my little one?

You should be ashamed of your horror filled mind.

I'm a sad girl.

It has gotten really bad.

I don't remember the last time I've felt this depressed, this numb, or this empty.

I'm guessing somewhere around 2011 since that's the last time I've weighed anywhere in the 130s.

*clap*clap*clap*

For the last two weeks I've been taking the anti-depressants that were prescribed to me back in December... so I honestly don't know if I feel this way because I really feel this way or because the anti-depressants aren't feeling me.

I was depressed before I started taking them, but not this depressed.

HOWEVER, I had a job before I started taking them, so maybe the excess sadness is due to that.

I don't know.

All I really know is that I want to kill myself really bad. I want to waste away into the nothingness. I can't relate to anyone it seems. I don't care about anything. I'm full of hatred and I'm full of fear.

I normally feel all of the above but it's all so amplified right now.

I'm scared to leave the house now even when I'm with someone and I can't even fake interest in people's conversations. This results in feeling extreme anxiety, guilt, hate, and disgust with myself and I end up crying in a ball for most of the day.

Also, I'm overly attached to my boyfriend. He's like a security blanket I take everywhere. He's so patient with me.

Sometimes I push him away though because I feel like he shouldn't have to be with me all the time but then I freak about because I'm scared he'll leave me because I'm not happy enough. I have abandonment issues.

I don't know what to add... I think I just wanted to gloat about being in the 130s again. I'm so pathetic.

- Mint.