P.s

Fast starting Sunday.

HATE

Hello~!

Don't worry, I'm still here! It's just hard to post when I'm working, and super exhausted, and when I'm still as pathetic as ever... T_T

Food wise, I still suck, but this time I'll be good for sure. FOR SURE, FOR SURE. I'm going to get my diet pills this week. And I'm just sick of myself to an extreme.

I honestly don't know if they do anything or not, but they motivate me, and I will pay whatever price as long as I lose this weight. And right now, I don't even care that the pills make my heart jump and flutter every so often, and that taking them when my heart is already acting all weird and jumpy probably isn't the best idea. But whatever, just fuck it.

This post is going to be more about how much I fucking hateeee myself, and how depressing and annoying I am. So much fun.

I live in a world of contrasts.


I want friends, but push them away. I want so badly to be thin, but don't care when there's any food in front of me. I want to go out and have fun, but I just want to be alone. I want to enjoy life, I want to be dead.

Ugh, I don't even know what to say here... I'm just so pathetic! I complain how my friends aren't real friends because they never talk to me or want to hang out, and then when they DO want to do anything, I have the nerve to just ignore their texts and phone calls.

I'm such a pathetic bitch! Why can't I just go and have fun with my friends?

Oh right, because I can't fit any of my clothes, because I feel so self-conscious, because I hate myself so much that it gets pushed onto those around me.

Oh, and another reason why I'm so pathetic: I was supposed to be at a funeral right now for someone my mom and I knew fairly well. Am I there now? Nope. How come? Because I just can't do it. I have no sympathy, and I just don't care about anything or anyone other than the fact that I'm fat and can't show my face anywhere.

I hide from everything! I just stay in my room, and wish I was dead.

My god, I need skinny. I need skinny now. When I was thin everything was better. Life was still life and sucked, but at least I felt a little more comfortable in my own skin. At least I could leave the house knowing that it was my head saying I was fat, that the fat wasn't a reality.

Now I'm just living a nightmare. 


I need to wake up...
Think thin, and whatever you do, don't let the fat take over.
♥,
Mint.

But then a little Feather passed by my nose.

I've decided to come back.

this sounds scornfully familiar...


To write everyday about what is happening from day to day. To write my thoughts, and feelings, my fears.

I remembered back to when I started this blog (almost a year ago!), and how nice it was to have my progress documented, and to have people support me, and understand all too well what I was going through.

I forgot that this isn't just a blog, it's a community! And I need to play my part.

I've been selfish.

I thought of this blog as just a way to keep my thoughts in order. And if I didn't write anything, that's just punishing myself. If I didn't write anything, oh well. Who cares?

But then a little Feather passed by my nose, and it made me realize that I'm a voice. And people are listening! People are supporting me, and I ought to do the same for them. I care.

I don't want to be a voice that gets lost along the way. To start off as a strong, powerful wind, and then disappear amongst the leaves of a tree. I want to keep going.

I want to pick up where I left off, and I want to be happy. And skinny. And tiny, and I want to be an inspiration to anyone reading this. I don't want pity. I don't want to be a memory of someone who couldn't get anywhere.

What I'm trying to say is, I'm back. And I promise not to disappoint.

If there are any new blogs out there, please let me know so I can follow them! My dash is dead. And I want to be apart of your stories!

Let's do this thing together ladies!

Think thin!

♥,

Mint.

Lock me in a cupboard until I'm thin...

HI,

Let's not get into where I've been, what I weigh, or any of that. Let's just get into my new plan, lol fuck I'm so pathetic...

My old plan was a 550 calorie diet with one fast day per week.

I thought that was pretty good until I read my old diary entries. Omg, I was sooo stong!

what happened?


Anyway, I decided to change my diet to a 200 calorie one with a fast day once a week.

• Breakfast will probably be a reduced sugar, apple cinnamon oatmeal (110)
• Lunch will probably be a fat free yogurt (35), or a carrot (35) and fat-free dip (25 per tbsp)
• Supper will be a salad made up of a cup of iceberg lettuce (8), 1 tomato (22), maybe 3 slices of cucumber (basically non-existent), and a tbsp of calorie-wise italian dressing (5)

That averages out to be about 192.5 calories per day. Plus, with my weekly day of grace (fast day), I should be good even if the days I have carrots goes a little over my limit.

I have to remember though, that I do not want to eat. I'm only eating if I have to.

So, if my mom's not here, no breakfast, no lunch. I'll probably always have to eat supper because people at my work are already monitoring what I eat. And if I'm not at work, I'll be at home, with my mom.

For fast days, I don't have to eat supper when I'm at home. My mom knows I'm fasting once a week because this Indian diet book recommends it for me (apparently I'm a Pitta lol). But, when I'm at work, I'll have to have at least a cup of diluted soup (25 calories if I get the right soup).

Anyway, that's my plan for now. Someone please keep me motivated!


For the next little bit, I'm not going to follow my plan exactly. I mean I'll still stick with the 200 calorie limit, but because of all the food in the fridge I'll just eat different foods until the fridge is empty again... or secretly throw away food when my mom's not around...

Either way, 200 calorie limit. One fast day a week. No food when no one's around.

Strength, and control.


♥,

Mint.

Twice in One Day!?

Hiii,

I just wanted to share my latest tumblr post with you all.

What I forgot to mention is another reason why I didn't eat. And what triggered me back into whatever this is (my ED? I don't know, I'm probably just mad).

After I got back to my room, my friend did text me. Turns out she were at the other cafeteria that was still apparently open. She was there with two of my other "friends".

One of which was my trigger.

See, what I've been doing for the last few weeks is this:

1. Wake up/get ready super early
2. Go to the cafeteria
3. Get all my food for the day
4. Return to my room.

Because classes have been over since the 5th, I've had no real reason to leave my room other than for food or my exams. When classes were still going on, I'd usually eat with a friend or pick it up on my way back to my room, so I wouldn't have to go out alone. If I were in a situation where I had to leave my room (during a time where the cafeteria was busy) to get food I'd feel super anxious and super guilty so I avoid them at all costs. Now don't get me wrong, going in the morning makes me feel anxious and guilty also, but just not to the same amount.

Don't ask me why I've been eating anyway because I don't know. I'm fatter than a whale now...

ANYWAY. So this buying food in the morning thing was working out well until the 8th (Easter). This one obnoxious girl I know was getting ready for church and saw me so she yelled at me from her window, this making me feel even more guilty and anxious because, "someone caught me".
I yelled "Hi!" back and tried to calm myself down by saying that it was "okay" to get food, and "okay" to eat.

She then promptly texted me. Asking why I was up so early, if I was always up that early, and what I was doing with a bag of food so early.

I told her I'm just an early riser (lie) and that I get all my food for the day with my breakfast because I'm "lazy" (lie).

WELL, she told my one friend (the one who texted me after the exam) which resulted in her texted me on the 17th (I think), MAKING FUN OF ME FOR GETTING MY FOOD. This of course making me feel worse about eating.

The one thing that really pissed me off here is that she KNOWS I have some issues with food. For some reason it came up and I trusted the bitch and told her. But obviously she either doesn't believe me (because I'm fat as fuck) or doesn't fucking care.

After reading her text I tried to ignore it, and just simply not reply.

A few hours laterrrrr, my OTHER friend texted me (this is the friend who triggered me, you'll see why) asking me why I got all my food in the morning, and that it was "fucked up" and "weird". I guessed that the friend (who know about my issues) told this friend. Great.

At first I didn't reply. "I'll just not let it bother me" I said. But then... it started to fucking bother me.

So I basically was super honest and was just like, "I feel super anxious and greedy when I get food so I go when there's less people which calms my nerves a little bit. I usually wouldn't go but it's exams and I'm stressing out and am super depressed so sorry that my brain is FORCING me to eat, so I HAVE to go out and get food..."

At this point in the text, I started getting angry, I realized that it's none of their business what/when I eat so the rest went something like, "...And why does it even fucking matter when I get my food? Why are you guys even talking about this? And why is this a fucking highlight in your guys' lives? I must be really fucked up since three of you are talking to each other about the same fucking thing. You can go ahead and tell everyone why I'm so fucked up (not that you guys really need permission anyway). But it's just weird that N decided to tell you because she fucking knows about the issues I have with food."

Now, if my friend replied with this, I would've tried to comfort them and most importantly, I'D FUCKING SAY SORRY. But nooooo, he replies by saying, "That's funny since N didn't tell me anything."

I calmly apologized and said that I only assumed that because she texted me only a few hours before, talking about the exact same thing.

His reply, "I'll just assume you're angry because you're stressed over exams."

T_T

Basically saying I'm a bitch for assuming my friend was gossiping and that no one cares whether I eat or not because I'm so fat and really should just disappear, and not force my fat ugly presence on anyone.

I should disappear.

Which is true! After that it's like POOF! Back to obsessing over food, and avoiding the fuck out of it. And if I do eat, "Fucking whore, fucking whore, fat fucking whore."

So today, when my friend texted me after the final saying where she was and that he was there too. It was like a sign to be strong, and continue with my fast.

I'll prove them wrong. One day, I'll be so thin that they'll talk about how they never see me eat a thing, how they regret not worrying before, and how they wish they weren't so fucking stupid.

And if they don't notice, it won't matter because I'll be happy, and I'll be even closer to vanishing into thin air.

Sorry for the long post! I'm just hurt I guess...

♥, Mint.

Happy.

Hellooooo~!

So I'm on day three of my fast :)

And I feel sooooo happy. I can't even remember when I felt this happy!

The sun is shiningggg, I don't have to deal with peopleeeee, I am emptyyyyy and plan to stay empty too.

In a few days, my first year of uni will be over and done with :) thank fucking God! This year chewed me up and spat me out!

In a few days, I'll be home. I'll have control over what I eat, and I'll have my exercise equipment!

I will be empty, and there will be no reason to add any more scars to my collection.

I am in control again! And I love it! Ahhhh, a big sigh of relief. I'm back. :)

Love you all! ♥

Mint.

Tumblr.

Hey! :)

I just wanted to make a little note, and share my new tumblr with you all! The Dormouse.

I like tumblr because it's instant thinspo, and the community just feels like it's so much bigger.

I've been blogging on there for a few days now, and will continue to do so, so follow me please! :)

I know I'll come back here for good one day though so don't abandon this blog either!

I'll probably come back here for longer posts and whenever I feel like it... Not very informative I know, sorry!

Anyway, I hope you're all doing well! Think thin lovelies!

♥, Mint.