Today was supposed to be good but then it sucked, you know?

I was going to paint and it was going to be lovely.

But instead I binged on pizza and watched movies and then I tried to purge and couldn't and so I was just filled with regret and self-hatred.

Oh and wanna know how pathetic I am? Somehow I got blood on my white sheets and white pillow cases from cutting last night. And then I got fucking PIZZA on the sheets too. Like wtf man, my life is so embarrassing.

I also beat everyone's score on flappy bird and they all just tapped out of the competition and I feel like that's not fair! I feel like my victory is so understated like grrrrrrrr.

AND, B! I just realized that that one text post I made on tumblr,

You're alone because you asked for it you arrogant bitch.

Might make you think that it's about you. The only reason I say that is because whenever someone posts something that could remotely be meant for me, I think it was meant for me; even if it makes no sense at all (goes back to the unpleasant days of nex).

It's not about you if you were wondering lol it's about this girl I follow on tumblr. I met her in first year and she always vents on tumblr about having no one, and no one cares about her, blah blah blah, and I've on several occasions sent her long heartfelt messages asking how she was, how she was doing, and that if she ever felt lonely she could talk to me, and that I understood the feeling of being utterly alone etc. etc. etc.

And most times this bitch won't even reply. I called her out on it once and she said she was bad at remembering to reply to things and that she appreciated it. Which is utter bull, so like, wtf. She's ginger so maybe that's it...

So anyway, today she wrote a text post saying:

I've invested too much of myself into all of these people that eventually once they all left, I had nearly nothing left.

and then later:

If there's one thing this life has taught me it's that I'm in it alone.

And so I just posted my post in hopes that she'd see it because I'm a bitch and I don't even care anymore.

But yeah, I just didn't want you accidentally thinking that it was about you because if I were in your position, I'd def think it was about me.

I have nothing else to say, but I wish I did.

- Mint.

Fucking hate everything right now.

I got day drunk with one of my boring friends and life was kinda fun. Now I'm sober and it's not fun at all.

I wish I had someone to make me feel better when I'm feeling like this. I wish I could just make myself feel better when I'm feeling like this.

The problem with people though is that they focus too much on people.

I hate everything. Life is so shitty.

Can't find my razor. I had to cut with my fucking tweezers last night. Goddamn, probably going to have to do that again tonight because my razor isn't anywhere to be seen.

UGHHHHHHH.

- Mint.

I've been a witness to too many tears this week, shed by too many of my loved ones.

Seriously though.

And it's so hard, answering your phone, hearing someone you love so dearly, balling their eyes out.

Or talking to someone and having their emotions spill over in front of you.

It's hard. But I think it's harder when it's over the phone, because there is literally nothing you can do to comfort them.

Sure you can spew words into their ears, let them spew theirs back, but how does help at all really?

I'm lucky with boring friend. When she calls me and is in tears, I can go there and actually give her a hug or be in her presence, just so she has someone close.

With mom, it sucks because normally I'm so far away, but this week was good because she was actually here, in front of me… wow, that's sort of a morbid sentence there.

With B however, it's a very different story.

She calls me, in tears over her breakup and what can I do? Nothing. Fucking nothing.

My best friend is physically breaking and she has no one by her side. Her family is in a different town, her friends are all over the fucking place, no where remotely close, and I've never even been in a relationship so I have no fucking idea what to say.

She's blaming herself which makes no sense to me. She didn't do anything! Nothing that he feels now is her fault. She didn't change, he did.

He's the type of person who likes to avoid his problems by pretending that they're not there. But B, she can sense that there's stuff going on with him, and that it's bothering him. So she asks him what's up. But that makes him remember his problems, and I don't think he wants to think of them consciously.

I really think that he opted for the breakup because he could tell that B wasn't happy. And that if he couldn't make himself happy, how could he make B happy? I know he cares about her, even though he might not show it in the ways that he should, and so, if B isn't happy, if he couldn't make her happy, because he's not happy, then he saw breaking up as a way to potentially make her happy in the long run.

Which is a dumb decision because it's tearing her apart. I wish it was easier to deal with one's problems, but it's not so you can't hate him too much because I really do think he just wants her to be happy…

ANYWAY, it's hard because I just want my best friend to be happy! I don't want her all alone and crying! No one should be lonely when they feel so crappy. I wish she'd believe me when I said that she did nothing wrong, I wish she didn't have to feel everything she's feeling, I wish she could see the future and be happy for what's going to happen, I wish she was here, I wish I was there, I wish we were together.

I wish life wasn't so hard, and that bad things didn't happen to good people.

I'm so sorry B, I really wish I could help. I'm no good with this sort of advice. I hear you crying and all I can do is laugh in hopes of you maybe breaking out of the clouds and laughing with me. Because honestly, I really don't know what to say.

Your heart must be shattered, your stomach must be sinking. Your eyes red, your nose red, your body weak and empty.

Blahhhh, I just wish I could help! I wish I could live your pain for you, you know? I wouldn't mind, I swear to god! Just send it on over!

In the mean time, read the funny book I lent to you, and try to keep yourself distracted. Time will come and go and one day you'll be okay, I promise. Things will get better, even though everything's just so fucking flipped over and upside down, fucked every which way.

Call me anytime though, like I said I have this week off, I won't be doing shit all really. Call me, and I'll always try my best; even though I know it's not good enough, I'll always try!! <3

- Mint.

I'm really bored today, fuck.

I've been gone for awhile, hey?

Sorry about thaaaaat, my mom came to town to visit. And my dad did too apparently.

My parents are divorced by the way. It's not like they don't get along or anything, it's just weird and annoying and stressing when I have to deal with both of them at the same time. So it's probably a good thing that they're divorced!

I had to ditch them both on a few occasions just to go for a drive, clear my head, and have a few smokes. Thank god for that too.

Thursday is when my mom finally left (my dad only stayed for two nights) and I worked that afternoon too. I was originally only supposed to work 1-5:30, but one of the girls was really sick so they asked me to stay until 8. By the time they asked me it was around 6 (I stayed late to buy some shirts) so I was like sureeee no problemmmmm. I had nothing better to do.

But apparently I did have something better to do, because almost as soon as I said that I'd stay later, my boring friend phoned me, needing a ride to the hospital.

She had a surgery done earlier that day so like a 5 year birth control thing, I don't know. But yeah, she was coming out of the anesthetic and feeling immense pain. She was throwing up and yeah, she needed a ride.

I told my boss and they let me go, so that was good! It wasn't a major emergency or anything, so it was a pretty chill ride. I got to have a few smokes and chug my coffee (the district manager was in that day so I wasn't allowed to have my coffee at the front apparently, GAAAAAAY).

I came back and only had an hour and fifteen minutes left so it wasn't that bothersome. Even though the store was completely DEAD the whole time.

After work I texted Dill (because Morgan is out of town right now) and asked if she wanted to go out, because I really needed to go out.

She was down but she was already pre drinking at this pub, so I told her I'd pre drink at home because I'm broke, and then I'd meet up with her.

I was nervous about meeting her at the club because, A) I hate doing things by myself B) I suck at finding people C) I didn't want to wait in the line by myself/cab myself

BUT, I got my rookie to drive me down, I met this girl in the lineup, paid for cover to get in faster, and found Dill really easy!

The night was good because I'm getting more into the bar crowd here and actually know people!!

Dill got a SHIT TON of free M from this guy because she said it was her birthday which was rad, and I hung out with that girl I met in the line up a lot of the night too because we were really wanting to dance.

At the end of the night, we were all going to go to this after party but one of Dill's friends was all crying and upset and shit because I guess Dill told her that they'd only go to the club and no where after. This girl had an 8 o'clock class in the morning and all her shit was at Dill's place.

AND FOR SOME STUPID FUCKING REASON, I was like, you can stay at my place! I'll drive you to Dill's in the morning! Don't worry about it!

Which was dumb. Because I wanted to go to the after party. Fuck.

But whatevs, good karma I guess… Good karma.

I want to go out tonight too, but we'll see what happensssss. I just want to go out and dance all the time. That's all I want from life lol

- Mint.

2nd post of the nightttt.

"Don't ever tell anybody anything. If you do, you start missing everybody."

I don't understand people. I don't understand how, once they've put some alcohol into their systems, they open up. I don't understand how people can't do that just in general. I don't understand their walls. Especially after you've opened up to someone whilst drunk. How can you suddenly close your doors once the sun sobers your thoughts?

I don't get it, and it's frustrating.

I'm the type of person who meets someone, decides immediately whether or not they like them, and decides immediately whether or not they want to share their entire lives with them. I don't get people who don't do that.

What's with this whole, "building a relationship" thing? If you sit down like, "Yeah let's maybe be friends, I don't know, something bad could happen, let's stretch this out and move forward as slowly as possible." What's with that? It's like saying nothing's going to happen before the happening even has a chance!

When I meet someone, I feel like I can see exactly who they are. And if I like who they are, I get so fucking excited. Visions of the future race through my head. Summer road trips, lazy afternoons, walks, and adventure. But that's just not how most people work! I'm learning this. And I won't let it catch me off guard again.

Most people are good, I know that. But not everyone wants to share it, I'm learning that.

I'm making a rule for drunk Mint to follow, so that her poor heart doesn't get squished by these dicks that roam the earth.

"You're so interesting!"

Too bad people have a short fucking attention span.

The rule is this: If you meet someone who seems to follow the same vibes as you, someone who you want to befriend and see the world with, just fucking be real, just fucking ask them, "Do you want to be friends? No, legit friends. Like, can I call you tomorrow, can we do something? What are you doing tomorrow? Don't be polite here, look through the fuzziness, can we be friends?"

Because if they say yes, then you have a friend! BUT, if they back out, then fuck themmmm because their core is filled with utter shit. You know? You feeeeeeel?

I hate politeness. Absolutely hate it. It's so fake, there's nothing polite about it. What's polite about being sweet and kind and friendly one day, just to turn around and be a complete asshole the next? NOTHING.

I'd rather have someone be all up in my face, rude as fuck, than have them turn up a fake ass smile.

So drunken Mint, there you are. Don't make the same mistake anymore, don't trust everyone's openness, it's clouded with liquid truth, painted with hazy confidence.

- Mint.

A soul is not to be sold.

I quit IGA last night. I told my boss that I got offered a job as a line cook in a place that will pay for my red seal. I told her normally I wouldn't just leave a job empty handed like this, but it was an offer in the right direction for me, and I had to bounce.

It was all a lie of course. I haven't heard back from that job yet, I probably won't. I just didn't want her to hate me though… evennnnnn though she totally did.

WHATEVZ, I just had to. And you wanna know why? Let me tell you WHY.

By working there, I'm selling my soul. And do you know what I realized about a soul? It's all you've got.

Honestly, just think about it. Your soul is your everything. It means more than your body, than your experiences. It's the only thing you come to this life with; the only thing you take when you pass.

Your soul is the only thing in this whole goddamn world that's real. It's not your personality (which can be altered and influenced and burned and moulded), it's your fucking core.

For example, that whole "lion heart" thing I always rant about. That's my soul, that's what it is. I may have days of isolation, and total darkness, but the fact of the matter is that no matter how hidden my soul becomes, that's my main being. It's your life existence. Does this make sense?

I feel life is all about allowing your soul to breathe. Don't let it sit in a corner to rot, life is about getting through the obstacles of having a body and of society and pressures and everything to express your soul. The point of life is being.

Does this actually make sense though?

Anyway, the point being is that, if you feel that you're selling your soul at any point of your life, you've gotta get out. Fast. Selling the only thing you have in this fucked up place is suicide. And whatever you're selling it for, is not worth it.

I want you guys to know this, because I feel like it's important. And work isn't the only place where a soul can be sold; ohhhhhh no.

Relationships, FRIENDships, family, school, within yourself. You can divide it into crystal-like pieces, and pass around your everything, in hopes of getting back something better. But trust me, there's nothing better. You will end up dead and completely hollow inside.

So my advice to anyone who feels like they're emptying themselves, is to just get. out.

Don't run though, stand firm, walk firm, remember to breathe. If you're running, you're fleeting, which will lead you to self-destruction. Trust me, I started running last week, fucking bought a hamster, fucking returned that shit, fucking did this, fucking did that. If you're running, it'll feel like your mind is a tornado, your insides will feel chaotic; you won't stand still. If you feel like that, you're definitely running.

Getting out, you have to be firm with your decision here. You have to know, within yourself, that this is the right decision. You know it's what's best for you, and you know that whatever you're buying with your pieces is worth shit all. If you can't accept this, you fucking need to bro, sorry but just, open your goddamn eyes and realize that this is your life, not anyone else's. What's the point in pleasing other people if you're miserable for all of eternity? It's not selfish to live for yourself, and anyone who says otherwise is just fucking pathetic. I can't stress this enough, you need to live for yourself. You neeeeeeeed to! You're all that you have! You're all that matters!

That's why you absolutely must NOT sell yourself. Get out, and live for better things, because there are better things out there. Ask yourself where you want to be, what you want to spend your time doing. If you don't like where you are, fucking moveeeeee. There's not enough time to linger, I swear to god. Don't let opportunities pass you by because you were nervous or doing something else, or fucking had your eyes closed.

Be alert, know what's good for you, know what's not. Test the waters, get out when you're not happy. Yeah sometimes it's scary dropping these things, you know, walking away, but think about it, really think about it. Is what you're doing worth you're entire entity. It never is.

Sorry, sorry for this rant. But I needed to say it. I needed to get it out. Fuck, one would think I'm drunk right now (I get madddd philosophical when I'm drunk, it's so embarrassing).

DRUNK OFF LIFE. lmao nah I'm totally kidding, fucking sick as hell right now, wouldn't mind being off'd just to free myself from this cold.

- Mint.

Things are happening.

Kay so a bunch has happened in the past few days.

I ate prawn and crab sushi which was pretty good and I also had a piece of ham and pepperoni pizza (just because that's what was served).

I also bought a hamster, but I returned it back the next morning because it was EVIL.

I met Morgan's best friend from high school, Dill and she super dope. We're besties now.

Us three went out on Thursday and ended up going to an after party where I did DRUGZ for the first time other than weed! I did a few lines of molly and one of coke, and then I did not sleep for the entire night.

I ended up falling asleep at 8 in the evening on Friday, and waking up at 1 in the afternoon on Saturday. It was intenseeeee.

And THEN! Last night Morgan and I met up with Dill and her guy friends' house and then we all went out to this killerrrrr club which I haven't even heard of before! It's so sick, the whole place is dark as hell but they got cool party lights and all the walls are covered in graffiti with glow in the dark paint accents!

It was cool too because a lot of the people I met on Thursday came out to this too so it was like WOAH I KNOW PEOPLE.

We got more M and danced and socialized and it was a good time!

At about 4 we ended up going back to Matt's place (where we started), and SOMEHOW we like fucking bonded or something, but I just remember suddenly talking to him about like EVERYTHING, music, and summer, and movies, and we have the same music interest and he thought that was dope.

We all ended up watching this movie and him and I shared this chair and cuddled and I was like WOAH how did this happen? I'm never the girl that ends up with the guy. Like, I can't get over it.

After the movie we all decided to go to bed, and everyone got to sleep in the couches, but I got to sleep in his bed with him.

**Spoiler alert: I couldn't fall asleep at all, so I've had two all-nighters this week! AND I WORKED 1-9 TODAY WHICH SUCKED.

Anyway, we made out and felt each other up and shit, but I couldn't have sex with him. WHICH AGAIN IS VERY ANNOYING.

I just wish that I was comfortable with my body, you know? Because that's what keeps happening here, I hate my body, and don't want anyone looking at it. It's like my ugly little secret.

Anyway, after we finished making out and grinding and all that jazz, it was like 6-7 and he started falling asleep and it was so cute, cause apparently he's like a fucking cuddle monster.

Every time I'd like, reposition myself, he'd immediately come back snuggling. It was even funnier because like, I'd move, he'd pull me in and kiss me for a bit, he'd get settled in his cuddle position, and then fall asleep until I moved again lolol

And then when I had to leave at like 11 with Morgan and Dill he was like, "NOOOO STAY HEREEEE" and being like, "COME BACK AFTER WORKKK I'LL BE HEREEEEE. WE COULD CUDDLE AGAINNNN"

That didn't happen, but he got my number and I have his and there's that. He's like Dill's BEST from when she was growing up too so I'm sure I'll see him again really soon.

And now we're all caught up on my life! Hurray!

- Mint.