hellurrrrr~~

I finally got diagnosed with bpd on thursday.

been waiting for that for years. feel nothing.

I feel the same way I felt when I started self harming. like I’m not good enough to call it self harm.

it def became “good enough” though.

anyway, that’s the point. why am I suddenly thinking I’m not good enough or sick enough to have a thing that I’ve been told I’ve had for about 6 years now??

I felt stupid following bpd subreddits because I wasn’t diagnosed. but now I feel stupid for following because I don’t think I’m bad enough.

when I know I am. like it’s so conflicting.

yes. I can hold most of my impulses in. YES. SURE. OKAY. but it doesn’t mean that I don’t feel every fucking thing. and that I don’t want to hack my arm off over someone just acting a little bit different towards me. or that I don’t want to rip my stomach open to rid myself of the emptiness. or that I don’t want to bash my head against the wall and scream until my vocal chords explode.

it all hurts. or it feels like nothing. I feel the chaos building all the time. it’s scary because I know I’m about to implode.

not EXPLODE, because I’ve learnt how to stop the extreme impulses.

which means I’m not sick enough.

I’m just needy and pathetic and immature.

I HATE MYSELF

I LITERALLY KNOW I’M BEING SO CONFLICTING TO MYSELF 😭😭😭 LIKE WHY CANT I JUST BE???????

everything hurts and my mind keeps saying, “I want to go home.”

but I am home? if this isn’t home wtf am I wanting??

my brother isn’t doing well again.

found out he uses intravenously on my birthday back in august 🥲 who tf injects meth. who taught him that?? why did this happen to him?

he was also homeless for a bit and had people after him (maybe idk maybe it was paranoia).

he sought help and started school to be a mechanic. he was doing well. then this week I found out through mom he’s gone mia again. using again. doesn’t care again.

all of this hurts so much. I have my own problems that are making it hard for me to deal too but whenever shit like this is happening with my brother I fall to pieces.

idk what to do.

I just feel pain. I drink so I can numb. I’m lost.

OH HEYYYYYYYY

Omg I'm on my old laptop.

I REPEAT: I am ON my OLD LAPTOP.

Now, it's hooked up to the tv since the backlight is still broken, BUT I can see all my old shit which is craaaaazy!

What happened with the whole "I'm gonna get a new laptop omg blahblahblah" thing was that, APPARENTLY one can only buy a 15-inch Macbook Pro for like $3500 now. Because the 15-inch is only made with one operating system or whatever the correct terminology is.

Basically, it's super expensive because it has the super duper computer attached to it as opposed to the 13-inch which has the basic bitch computer model that I need.

"Why didn't you just get a 13-inch?" you might ask.

"UMMMMMMM.... !!!?!??!?!" I might say.

BECAUSE I NEED SPACE. I am an ARTIST and I need a big ass fucking screen, alright?

"Why didn't you just get a PC?" you say?!?

"UMMMMMMMMMMMMMM!!!!//!?!?!??!?!?!??!?!1111"

Anyway... once I found out that I had to save more for the one I wanted or get one I didn't want I decided to go back home to mull it over. You know, take a minute with the ol' thinker-tank, noodle bank, feel?

I thought with my ol' thinker-tank, noodle bank for a couple of days. I budgeted my money to see how much longer I'd have to save in order to get the two extra inches that this bitch, rightfully deserves.

The results were not pretty. I'd have to save like all the way until April!! Meaning, I'd DENY myself fun purchases for an entire THIRD of the year. 2019. The year that I've decided is super important for some reason (more on that later).

Now, I don't know about you but not having fun for an entire third of a very important year does not sound ideal at all.

I mean girl, I've got an absolute shit ton of things I want ranging from a haircut, to a vape, to a reiki course (yaaaas bi'ch), to a tattoo, to a fucking nintendo switch (animal crossing is coming out soon and you know ya girl gotta get it).

AND THENNNN! B is coming to visit me for a week in May and I need savings for thaaaaat OBVIOUSLY. Duh.

No dice; can't wait.

So I was like, "Aight. MAYBE, I can live with a 13-inch."

My old sketch book has a 13-inch cross-diameter so I was like pretending that it was a laptop, comparing it to my old laptop (fun fact I've only had two laptops in my entire life and they were both 15-inch); I wasn't vibin' with it :/

I ask some of my friends their opinion on the matter; both guys, both with 13-inchers (LUL- damn).

BOTH OPINIONS WERE USELESS. They both think 15-inches is way too big, and they like the teeny tiny.

I mean, I guess asking them was one of those tests to see what you personally really want to do, you know? Where you ask someone something and if they say what you wanted you're happy but if they don't you suddenly realize the answer you wanted to hear? You know?

Then my noodle bank thank-tank had a think that IMO was a good thought: repair your fucking laptop.

DA-DUUUUUUUUN!!!!!

Like woah man, genius.

Now, I'm not too sure if you guys know what happened to my OG, or if you CARE about what happened, or if anyone other than B is even reading this, but imma recap for you. Back in 2014 (August I believe), BB and I were play wrestling on the bed with the laptop sitting there helplessly. BB is winning, I r struggle, and water gets knocked onto my LITERAL, BABY (the laptop, the laptop is my baby).

Baby doesn't not like that, baby's eyes won't open. Mint is furious. BB says he'll fix it.

SPOILER ALERT:

BB DID NOT FIX THE BABY.

I bring the laptop to a repair store to figure out what's wrong with it, turns out the backlight is just burnt out. That's why the actual computer turns on, and the screen does not. Seems like a cheap fix! Just chaaaange teh lightbulb, duhhhh.

Nope, WRONG BITCH.

It's $700 for that, and in 2015 (when I got it diagnosed) laptops were like, what $1500? So November/December 2015 Mint was like, "I should just try to save and buy a new one" lmao that poor, poor, unsuspecting idiot...

ANYWAY, fast-forward to now (when I low-key have my shit together avec actual DOLLARZ SAVED), I'm like, "OMG BITCH JUST FIX THE LAPTOP, YOU KNOW WHAT'S WRONG WITH IT, YOU KNOW HOW MUCH IT'LL COST, VOILA! FIX IT, BOOM LAPTOP THAT IS RIGHT SIZE, BOOM SAVINGZ FOR ALL THE THINGS YOU WANNA BUY".

So this is kind of the stage we're at because I'm still thinking on it to be honest.

I got a cord that puts my laptop's screen on the tv screen because I wanted to see how slow the laptop is before making the decision to fix it or not (it's a 2011 model).

If the laptop seems full of enough life to warrant putting money into fixing it, then I'll do it, because fun fact, Apple scared the hell out of me by saying that if one thing goes wrong with the new MacBooks, you need to replace the ENTIRE thing. Why? Because they're making them in one giant piece now as opposed to parts. This could just be a sleekness of design or some shit but I see it as a way to encourage paying monthly insurance on a goddamn laptop, and if you DON'T pay the fucking insurance, then you gotta spend another GAZILLION dollars for a new one.

Fucking ridiculous. I'm that person who's super against warranties and insurance and shit. I don't know if I totally UNDERSTAND the USE for them but from what I have gathered, it's bullshit LOL

Like say someone crashes into your car and doesn't have insurance to cover it. Are they gonna pay it out of pocket? HELL NO, DO THEY LOOK LIKE A FUCKING LAW ABIDING CITIZEN TO YOU? THEY HAVE NO FUCKING INSURANCE!!!

And like with warranties there are so many little "fine print moments" that whenever you need to use the warranty, the thing you need it for isn't included.

PLUS, I don't know if you KNOW this or not but IIIIII am a broke ass fucking bitch who doesn't have TIMEEEEE or MONEYZZZZZ for your dumbass, cultish fucking scams APPLE.

My moto is just like... "don't break it". I told the guy at Best Buy this and he was like "Ya okay but like... you broke your last one."

...

...

...

.......

!!!!!?!?!?!#??!#@"!#JK$@HJ@HJ$G@E!!!!#!#*!@#^&!@

So ya, that's where we are on the whole "laptop situation" lol

I also had another think where I remembered T4 season is comin' up and I might get a refund! I might not though, that'd be just my luck lol BUT, if I DO get a good one, I could put that into getting the new 15-inch if I'm still dreaming of it; or I could bend and get the 13-inch... who knows? Not me obviously.

Honestly, thinking back to the whole "if something goes wrong with it you need to replace the whole laptop if you don't have insurance" thing... I would have spent the same amount of money on that new 15-inch laptop as I did to buy the car I'm currently driving... that's fucking nuts lmao really fucking nuts. I don't wanna spend that much, even with a refund cheque.

UGH I KEEP CIRCLE THINKING, THIS IS POINTLESS.

Okay, conclusion time:

I'm not getting a new 15-inch

I'm not getting a used 15-inch (bad juu-juu lmao I just can't, plus people at Best Buy didn't recommend it either for the same reason)

...

I just took out my old sketch book to try the sizing again and NOPE. The size reminds me of this little laptop my mom had way back in like 2007 or some shit; the idea was like one of those "notebook" devices before they were invented... ugh I'm explaining it weird; it doesn't matter, I just don't like it LOOOL I'Z ARTIST.

So I guess we've concluded together that imma fix this lil bitch since I'm not ready for the new models. If I get a year out of it that's all I need to be happy I think. CAUSE LIKE BIG THINGS ARE HAPPENING THIS YEAR. AND SO LIKE, NEXT YEAR, I'LL BE ABLE TO AFFORD THE SUPER EXPENSIVE LAPTOP EASIER SINCE I FEEL MONEY COMING MY WAY WITH A NEW CAREER PATH APPROACHING THIS YEAR.

Final conclusion of conclusion:

It's a good thing I decided to go the way cheaper route because I spent $140 on a vape already, $40 on a journal (I FINALLY finished the jumbo journal I bought in 2012 and needed another with the same paper quality/coil size because apparently- as we've seen with this post- I don't fuck around when it comes to where I write things down LOL), $350 on makeup, $500 on clothes (killer discount made it $200), $200 on groceries/toiletries (I moved downstairs and thus have my own kitchen- woo food control maybe.. hopefully), I'm planning on getting my belly button pierced ASAP ($90?), my reiki course is $300 (t-minus two weeks!), and I'm a call away from a hair appointment.

Also I need to do some work on the car (new expensive brakes or some shit- $500?), I have an addiction to crystals (I really want a $200 piece of moldavite), I need new shoes, and want new bras/underwear.

So like... thank the lord because 2019 is all about awesome purchases and fun adventures.

✌️✌️

♥,

Mint.

luna. 🌙

Update on this bitch.

SHE GOT A BLACK CAT NAMED LUNA.

ARE
YOU
FUCKING
KIDDING
ME?

IT'S BEEN YEARZZZZZ AND SHE'S STILL TAKING EVERYTHING I'VE EVER WANTED!!

LIKE WHAT ISSSSS THIS!?
WHAT IS THE UNIVERSE DOOOOOOING?!?!
WHY IS IT DOING THIS TO MEEEE!?!?!?!?!?!?

I'm so exhausted from yelling about this, my throat is so sore.

To be honest, I'd rather write about this in my journal because it's extremely petty, but SOMEONE FINALLYYYY completed their GIANT journal that they started back in 2012 💁🏼 no big deal. ✌🏻 I need to buy another one sometime this week cause like, I'm a writer, you know lol omg I swear to god if that bitch ever has a book published I'm going to kill myself hahaha

This was just a sudden, "rant" type of post obviously... but in general, I really want to get back into blogging and writing!! When I was rereading my journal over, there was some poetry in it and I was like, crying because it was actually good! I'm sooo hard on myself; I usually don't think that anything I do is like, good good... you know? But my writing is definitely one thing that I truly believe I have talent in. It's a shame that I haven't been writing much these past few years.

Mom told me the other day that she'd buy the Mac I want and I can pay her back for it slowly if it got me back into writing more. I'm so excited!! I can't remember if I ever mentioned it here or not but my old Macbook (my one and only gift from both mom AND dad for graduating high school/turning 18) was ruined in 2014 (3 years later) when BB spilt water all over it. That's one of the main reasons I stopped blogging... well that and because BB a snoopy snoop and would def be like "WUT R U DOIN'; WUT U WRITIN'? DO U H8 ME? R U BITCHIN' 'BOUT ME? LEMME SEEEEEE???"

So ya, I stopped and would just write in my journal here and there. Also, ALL of my poetry is on that hard drive. I used to have a blog on tumblr where I'd post it all, but then I deleted the blog because someone called me a bigot because I didn't understand why the fuck people were calling Miley Cyrus "racist" for wearing a wig of dreads. So I NEEEED a new Mac so I can put my OLD Mac on it so that I can read my OLD poetry hahaha you see?

I feel really spoilt about having my mom buy me a Mac but like, literally she's technically just a loan, so I'm not that spoilt, right? RIGHT?

I've got to go now, but I'm going to blog about last week, sometime THIS week; mark my words!

P.s. last week I had an identity crisis and almost died from a mystery allergic reaction whilst doing this lovely walk- can we agree yet that I'm not meant to go outside??

Much luuuv~! ♥︎

- Mint.

To Settle

set·tle¹

ˈsedl/

verb

verb: settle; 3rd person present: settles; past tense: settled; past participle: settled; gerund or present participle: settling

• to make calmer or quieter

• to accept or agree to (something that one considers to be less than satisfactory)

Okay so likeeeeee

COULD YOU TELL ME WHY I WOULD LIKE THAT? WHY THAT SEEMS LIKE A THING I WOULD LIKE TO DO? DOES THIS SEEM TO SUIT ME?

The person who freaked out about being in the same town for a year? The person who tries desperately to ignore the fact that she has worked at the same place for over a year? The person who freaks out when nothing has gone wrong for awhile; who self-sabotages out of doubt and boredom?

The person who NEVER wants kids and NEVER EVERRRR OMGGGGG NEVER wants a house?

The person who’s only two speeds are unmoving/basically dead and tornado of explosion and chaos, you think it’s a good idea to like... yank them out of the sky when they’re in a flurry and “calm them down”? You think it’s a good idea to take someone who’s in sloth mode and slow them down even more? That’s what you think huh?

Well jeez, I must be a fucking idiot.

May 4th, 2018 (I think this is one of the best poems I’ve ever written)

May 4th, 2018:

“I wish we could be the we we were before.
When you were Billy the Kidd and I was your ride or die;
who’d fly like a dove,
high in the sky
with you by my side.

But you lost people
And I lost people
And our powder put us in a lockdown

A chokehold you kept me in but you were the one suffering.
Gasping for breathe,
and voice
because I was all you had left
and you knew I was fading fast
so your grip was claiming to the past

Of what you knew and what we were and what we were
fighting for...
this thing called love.

but it was more than that
it was freedom
it was youth

it was adventure. it was true,
that we lived...

it was colours that we saw
and breathed deeply into our lungs
with nicotine and coco in sweet
puffs.

a feeling of euphoria with every step we took together

fuck; everything was so lush.
rose-coloured glasses that were ripped off our stupid little faces
and smashed right in front of us
with our own two feet...

we walked straight into it
the night we met in that bar

when you took me and we played pool
when I sang that song in the car

young and beautiful...
I wasn’t less, I wasn’t more

we watched the sunrise and I felt infinite
you kissed me; made me soar

sore
for many a reason
hurts, unspeakable truths

the siren’s song I sing

but with that kiss, that touch, that smile...
eternal sunshine is what you bring.

your soul of souls is the mate to mine,
but in this life we’re forecasted cloud.

And I sit here longing for the you you no longer are.
mourning the death of a man who still breathes
who’s soul shifted the universe in a way I couldn’t keep up with.

you held me so tightly; a force only spoken in myth.

cold hands; a death grip you used on my heart.

I still feel the kitchen floor underneath me.

I still feel your pin

But why is the you holding me now, not the man I loved then?”

"I have a lion heart mixed with winds of twins;
my soul was never meant to know peace and quiet."

Your souls are connected, sure-- but that doesn't mean it's meant to be in this life.

I don't remember writing that post omg.

This is why I've been SEVEN WHOLE DAYZ without booze ✌🏻 your bitch got faaaaaat man.



ANYWAY


You don't miss him. You miss the memories.

You miss the love story that wasn't real, and you miss feeling like you had someone.

But even if you were with him, you'd feel alone. Even if you were with him, those memories wouldn't be anymore tangible; they'd still be memories.

If you were with him you'd be doing nothing and going no where. You'd be angry and sad and hurt.
Which you already are but at least it's YOURSELF who's making you angry and sad and hurt... not someone else.

You want different things. He's boring and dramatic, stupid, and has no control. He makes you feel guilty for everything and has zero interests other than like... watching hockey here and there.

He's a child and will always be a child, and isn't that the main reason you decided to leave? Because you don't want children? Why the fuck would you go back to one?

Duh.

Trust me, it's better this way. Loneliness sucks, but you're gonna have it regardless, and his company is not worth having.

Silly girl, trying to convince yourself that things might be different after a year... you're hilarious.

Look at how far you've come!! You're almost solid again! Not faded in the distance; a soul without a name. I can see you.

There are all these signs telling you about the abundance destined for you. You've got stars shooting for you and clovers sprouting four leaves; you had a swarm of lady bugs last week, and a flock of robins this week.

Fuck, even the spooky, "spin-the-wheel" toy at Shoppers landed on "your luck has changed for the better"
Mom got, "no one can help you now" LOL

So don't fight it. Let what's coming come. Breathe. Be present. Breathe. Be calm. Breathe. And just... be.

♥︎,

 Mint.