Dial 1-800-Cyanide line.

Hi!

This is a three part post:

PART 1

I'm still here!

I've found that when I'm alone, my depression skyrockets. But if I'm with someone, it's muted.

That being said, this week has been better.

However, the past few mornings, a collections company has been harassing my mom in regards to a situation I put myself in aboutttttt, 3 years ago.

That one time I was delivering drugs to the stupid guy I gave my virginity to. That one time I parked just a tad too quick and scratched his car a little bit. LOL

THIS IS WHAT THE MATTER IS REGARDING.

I SCRATCHED A DUDE'S CAR LIGHTLY, AND THEN GAVE HIM FREE DRUGS. AND HE HAS THE NERVE TO CALL THE INSURANCE COMPANY ON ME?

So stupid...

Anyway, every time they call it ruins my day. It ignites the fiery pit of anxiety that I have in my stomach, and it doesn't burn out for hours. Their calls make me want to go to my room and slit my throat. I have to actively tell myself not to. I just want to escape so fucking badly...

I haven't felt this trapped in a long time.

PART 2

I'm feeling rather conflicted lately.
I'm doing things and thinking things and creating things that I'm really liking.
I'm listening to music I'm digging. I'm talking and acting in a way I'm enjoying.

But I feel bad because I feel like I'm projecting a person I'm not? Like, I'm feeling as if I'm acting fake, while at the same time I feel so me. Like more me than I've ever been.
How is that possible?
I feel like a wannabe lmao but I'm not "wanting-to-be" anything.

Here, I'll give you an example...

As I'm working on my art, I've been listening to hip hop/rap/and like, idk, "chill trap"? This is different because I normally only listen to indie, like: Oh Wonder, Vance Joy, and Lana Del Rey.

The vibe I'm working with is like really relaxed, summer hazed beats. Like... you're driving around LA and the sun is just starting to fall and the city is flipping from day to night mindset... and it's a Friday and you have plans to go out to a dope club and you're low-key excited. And there's good smells of BBQ in the air. And you're driving the cheapest, shittiest, red convertible you could get your hands on, your hair is swirling around like it's under water and there are gold highlights sparkling within it. You're listening to the radio and all the good songs are playing. You feel a tinge of nostalgia but it's in the background, and it's not making you feel sad. You're balanced, you're grounded. You feel all euphoric and free and everything's right in the world.

That's what I'm trying to produce in my art; I'm trying to recreate the sun flare that's in the image I just described.

Examples of the feel would be found in 1 800 Suicide (Gravediggaz), Xxplosive (Dr. Dre), and Alfa Romero (AG & Ray West).

Anyway, long story short, I'm obsessed with this feeling. Like... obSESSED. I want to bathe in these waves, I want to smoke the colours they bleed, I want BE the beat.

But I stand back and I'm like, Mint! You are literally the whitest girl in the world. Last year you didn't even know what a "whip" was. You had to ask what "the trap" was. LOL LIKE, DO YOU UNDERSTAND WHAT I'M SAYING?

I feel dumb but I can't help it... it's oozing out of every pore on my body. I'm wearing Adidas with tights and long shirts as dresses, men's oversized button-ups and black baseball caps.

Hobo-hoe: 90s grunge meets a Parisian hooker from the 60s.

**I tried to make a mood board explaining it**

I just wish that I knew whether or not this is like... a part of me, or something I've just picked up and am trying to morph into; an unstable self-image is a symptom of BPD, so it's hard to tell what's real and what's not when it comes to my definition of who I feel I am.

Ugh, I don't even know how to explain what I'm trying to explain.

I want to live within the movie of Spring Breakers. That's the closest to anything I can think of right now; a gangsta sweetheart. LANA DEL REY. Fuck, I wish I could explain it...

PART 3

My creativity is coming out in fragments; not in like a bad way. It's just I get little snippets in my head of what I want to create but it's undeveloped and I sometimes get stuck. Or I have a grand idea and don't know how to execute it. But I'm working on it, and I think that's pretty cool.

Everything's coming together and I'm forming a brand within my head and it's weird.

For example, my poems have been fragments, not fully formed. I'll have like two lines, and that's it. Because of this, I can do a lot with it if you think about it.

I can take this one line and develop it into lyrics of a song, or grow it into a fully formed poem. Or, I could take the one-liner and put it on a shirt, with an image I painted behind it. Or, I could take the idea within the fragment, and translate it into an image. The image could be abstract, to express the feeling within the line. Or it could express the sound the line would have as a song. Do you get what I'm saying?

I'm getting fragments in the forms of feelings, words, colours, and sounds.

I really enjoy it, but sometimes it's overwhelming because you just end up in a sea of emotions. Half the time I feel high because of the colours blending in my brain; like I'm in a dream somewhere else.

My goal is to take these feelings and make something tangible out of them; so others can feel it too, you know? I guess that's what art is in a nutshell lol

My notebooks, sketch books, iPad/iPhone notes, desktop and mind are all filled with these tiny pieces. It's like someone took a dozen puzzles and dumped all the pieces into one big pile. It's my job to sort through them and put them back together, without knowing what any of the puzzles are supposed to look like. It's exhausting!!

BUT, it's a project. And I'm really enjoying the progression I've been making with it. I can feel my mind thinking differently. I can feel my creativity taking over, finally being able to breathe deep, meaningful breaths.

So weird how one can be so sad, but so mellow at the same time.

- Mint.

I need advice from a caterpillar.

Yesterday wasn't good, like at all. And today isn't any better.

My mother still won't talk to me.

BB still won't talk to me.

Everyone is too busy with their lives to talk to me.

And I really need to talk to someone.

Last night I had a scary violent dream involving BB and oddly enough, my dad? BB was getting mad at me and throwing my stuff around like he used to do in the apartment. He was yelling and I was telling him to leave but he wouldn't. My dad would pop up every now and then wanting to intervene but I kept pushing him away.

Eventually BB was trying to break down a door just out of anger, but my dad popped up again and was like CRAZY mad. Like scary crazy mad, and he ripped the fucking WALL in half??? And he was like spitting and had crazy eyes and was like, "IS THIS WHAT YOU WANT? IS THIS WHAT YOU WANT?!" to BB and both BB and I were like whaaaaaat the fuck.

I don't know it was weird. And then there was a scary part that kept repeating itself where this little girl would walk to this door that was on the floor (led to a basement), spin in a circle while putting on ballet flats and then turn into a fairy while saying, "I'm ____ of the fae" (I can't remember her name). But the last time she did it she was like fighting with herself. She was like, "I'm ____ of the fae... No, I'M ____ of the fae. Nooo, I'm ____ of the faeeeEeeEeEEEee..."

She was spinning and spinning and laughing manically, unable to put on her shoes. It reminded me of when I experienced psychosis in the bathtub last May. It's scared me so much I woke up.

I was so afraid all last night that I'd end up hurting myself. I painted and drew and wrote until I was completely exhausted. I even put on a meditation to help me get to sleep... but I felt afraid in my forest and kept hiding behind trees like a child who hides behind their mother.

Anyway, when I awoke from the dream I was like, kay I need to not be by myself, I'm too scared to be by myself.

So I do what I normally do when I have a bad dream whilst at my mother's, I go sleep in her bed.

Normally I stand at the door and call to her until she wakes up, because if I just go in she wakes up and sees a person there and freaks the fuck out.

So I call and call and she's not answering. I don't hear my dog in there either so I'm like, huh maybe she's sleeping on the couch? So I go to the living room, calling her and she's not there. I start to get worried and go to her room again calling with more haste and honestly, just a bit frantic.

I end up just barging in and she wakes up and asks if I had a bad dream and I start bawling and hyperventilating because I thought she left because she was mad at me.

What the fuck Mint? Like, why would that even be a thing. In this moment I realized that I may or may not have some abandonment issues lol and also that I really need some fucking attention.

I woke up this morning and mom's already up and still won't talk to me. I'll say something, and she ignores me completely. Won't even look at me.

My mood just keeps getting lower and lower today. I feel like I've messed my entire life up and no one likes me and I'm annoying and needy and embarrassing and no one's proud of me and no one wants to even know me. I wish I didn't exist.

Mom left about an hour ago I guess. I started crying because I knew that I was going to end up cutting. I couldn't fight it any longer.

I tried to fight it. I really did. I almost phoned my mom because I was afraid of myself. But whatever. I was close to suicidal, but I didn't cut to kill. So it's all okay.

I feel better now. Calmer... numb. Empty, yeah, but at least I'm numb.

I don't know who I am or what I need. It's very annoying.

You know, BB and I had our problems but he definitely grounded me. I never binged while with him, cut only like 3 times in 3 years, hardly had bad dreams... I wish it could work. I know it can't but I can still wish it did.

"You!" said the Caterpillar contemptuously, "Who are you?"

- Mint.