Dial 1-800-Cyanide line.

Hi!

This is a three part post:

PART 1

I'm still here!

I've found that when I'm alone, my depression skyrockets. But if I'm with someone, it's muted.

That being said, this week has been better.

However, the past few mornings, a collections company has been harassing my mom in regards to a situation I put myself in aboutttttt, 3 years ago.

That one time I was delivering drugs to the stupid guy I gave my virginity to. That one time I parked just a tad too quick and scratched his car a little bit. LOL

THIS IS WHAT THE MATTER IS REGARDING.

I SCRATCHED A DUDE'S CAR LIGHTLY, AND THEN GAVE HIM FREE DRUGS. AND HE HAS THE NERVE TO CALL THE INSURANCE COMPANY ON ME?

So stupid...

Anyway, every time they call it ruins my day. It ignites the fiery pit of anxiety that I have in my stomach, and it doesn't burn out for hours. Their calls make me want to go to my room and slit my throat. I have to actively tell myself not to. I just want to escape so fucking badly...

I haven't felt this trapped in a long time.

PART 2

I'm feeling rather conflicted lately.
I'm doing things and thinking things and creating things that I'm really liking.
I'm listening to music I'm digging. I'm talking and acting in a way I'm enjoying.

But I feel bad because I feel like I'm projecting a person I'm not? Like, I'm feeling as if I'm acting fake, while at the same time I feel so me. Like more me than I've ever been.
How is that possible?
I feel like a wannabe lmao but I'm not "wanting-to-be" anything.

Here, I'll give you an example...

As I'm working on my art, I've been listening to hip hop/rap/and like, idk, "chill trap"? This is different because I normally only listen to indie, like: Oh Wonder, Vance Joy, and Lana Del Rey.

The vibe I'm working with is like really relaxed, summer hazed beats. Like... you're driving around LA and the sun is just starting to fall and the city is flipping from day to night mindset... and it's a Friday and you have plans to go out to a dope club and you're low-key excited. And there's good smells of BBQ in the air. And you're driving the cheapest, shittiest, red convertible you could get your hands on, your hair is swirling around like it's under water and there are gold highlights sparkling within it. You're listening to the radio and all the good songs are playing. You feel a tinge of nostalgia but it's in the background, and it's not making you feel sad. You're balanced, you're grounded. You feel all euphoric and free and everything's right in the world.

That's what I'm trying to produce in my art; I'm trying to recreate the sun flare that's in the image I just described.

Examples of the feel would be found in 1 800 Suicide (Gravediggaz), Xxplosive (Dr. Dre), and Alfa Romero (AG & Ray West).

Anyway, long story short, I'm obsessed with this feeling. Like... obSESSED. I want to bathe in these waves, I want to smoke the colours they bleed, I want BE the beat.

But I stand back and I'm like, Mint! You are literally the whitest girl in the world. Last year you didn't even know what a "whip" was. You had to ask what "the trap" was. LOL LIKE, DO YOU UNDERSTAND WHAT I'M SAYING?

I feel dumb but I can't help it... it's oozing out of every pore on my body. I'm wearing Adidas with tights and long shirts as dresses, men's oversized button-ups and black baseball caps.

Hobo-hoe: 90s grunge meets a Parisian hooker from the 60s.

**I tried to make a mood board explaining it**

I just wish that I knew whether or not this is like... a part of me, or something I've just picked up and am trying to morph into; an unstable self-image is a symptom of BPD, so it's hard to tell what's real and what's not when it comes to my definition of who I feel I am.

Ugh, I don't even know how to explain what I'm trying to explain.

I want to live within the movie of Spring Breakers. That's the closest to anything I can think of right now; a gangsta sweetheart. LANA DEL REY. Fuck, I wish I could explain it...

PART 3

My creativity is coming out in fragments; not in like a bad way. It's just I get little snippets in my head of what I want to create but it's undeveloped and I sometimes get stuck. Or I have a grand idea and don't know how to execute it. But I'm working on it, and I think that's pretty cool.

Everything's coming together and I'm forming a brand within my head and it's weird.

For example, my poems have been fragments, not fully formed. I'll have like two lines, and that's it. Because of this, I can do a lot with it if you think about it.

I can take this one line and develop it into lyrics of a song, or grow it into a fully formed poem. Or, I could take the one-liner and put it on a shirt, with an image I painted behind it. Or, I could take the idea within the fragment, and translate it into an image. The image could be abstract, to express the feeling within the line. Or it could express the sound the line would have as a song. Do you get what I'm saying?

I'm getting fragments in the forms of feelings, words, colours, and sounds.

I really enjoy it, but sometimes it's overwhelming because you just end up in a sea of emotions. Half the time I feel high because of the colours blending in my brain; like I'm in a dream somewhere else.

My goal is to take these feelings and make something tangible out of them; so others can feel it too, you know? I guess that's what art is in a nutshell lol

My notebooks, sketch books, iPad/iPhone notes, desktop and mind are all filled with these tiny pieces. It's like someone took a dozen puzzles and dumped all the pieces into one big pile. It's my job to sort through them and put them back together, without knowing what any of the puzzles are supposed to look like. It's exhausting!!

BUT, it's a project. And I'm really enjoying the progression I've been making with it. I can feel my mind thinking differently. I can feel my creativity taking over, finally being able to breathe deep, meaningful breaths.

So weird how one can be so sad, but so mellow at the same time.

- Mint.

. . .

To be, or not to be.

Sometimes being given time to reflect is a very bad thing.

In my case, it leads to overthinking. Overthinking to the point where my mind is running a track. The same thoughts, over and over. But! After a lap is completed, the track shrinks into a slightly tighter circle, so it takes less time to run. It keeps shrinking smaller and smaller and smaller until I'm just spinning the fuck around on my toes. I pass out, and when I wake up the track is back to normal size. I get up and start running again...

This has been my way of thinking since high school at least. This is why I never do anything. I never know what I actually think about anything, my opinion changes daily. I argue everything so well on each side that I can never make a decision.

I hate it. I don't know what to do with my life. I don't know how to make money. I'm afraid to do anything and everything and people scare me and I'm afraid to exist and I'd like to dissipate please and thank you.

Also, I think I'm over wanting to work in fashion, and I think I'm over wanting to move to Vancouver. The only thing I like about Vancouver is the ocean. That's literally it.

And what would I do in fashion anyway? Well like there's a shit ton of options but I mean, the fashion industry as a whole is very superficial. YES, there is a small, smalllll niche you could get into where you'd work with people who understand it as an art and appreciate it in that style as well. But mostly you're going to be with cocky motherfuckers who come up with random aesthetic ideas because it's "trendy". I'd be working with people who live off of networking, people who backstab, people who only care about names (I'm terrible with names), and all that good shit. I'm not feeling it.

I'd really like to write a book. B wants to write a children's book and I'd love to be a part of it. Her and I are great at working together, bouncing ideas off of each other and shit.

But on top of that I'd really like to get my poetry published. Which is like, RIDICULOUS to talk about. I mean, poetry is a hard thing to live off of.

I could put it all together in a book, but I was also thinking of different ways to present it such as the way I did with the "Breathe Deeply // Breathe deep" post I did there. Mix photography with it, print it out on posters. Make the poetry part of an art exhibit, put it in paintings.

Again, hard to live off of, but I'm thinking here.

If I were to actually want creative writing and fine/graphic arts to be my livelihood, I'd need to go to school. Like most definitely. Because, I'd need connections, I'd need to immerse myself in it entirely, I'd need my mind to expand and be one with the universe.

Which I think I could do, the mind thing that is. Because I can feel my brain understanding things on an abstract level. Like it's understanding things without explanation, and explaining things to me without explanation too... you know?

Anyway... the problem with school is that:

1. I'd have to get in. Meaning make a portfolio, and beat a gazillion other way better people who are applying for the same thing.
2. I'd actually have to ATTEND school. Meaning, getting over a lot of crippling anxiety.
3. I'd have to wait ANOTHER FUCKING YEAR TO FUCKING DO ANYTHING BECAUSE I MISSED THE DEADLINE TO START IN SEPTEMBER OBVIOUSLY.

I guess in the meantime I could just try to get my shit together. Start taking photos, start painting more, make sure I write daily, make mini projects, learn about graphic design...

Ugh why couldn't I just have wanted to be a dental hygienist or some shit like that... It'd be so much easier!!

- Mint.