I'm not going to catch you up on what's happened this past month but I'll tell you about what's happening now.
I am currently trapped at my mothers house. Literally, I've been trapped and I don't know how to get out.
I became trapped last Monday when I decided that it was time to go home to my boyfriend instead of leaving him and moving elsewhere.
It was more than obvious that everyone in my life other than my boyfriend had strong opinions about how I should be moving to Kelowna. I had ultimatums set with friends and family, people yelling at me for even thinking about going back, people hating me for going back, like it was a lot. Which hurts. But whatever, I'm pretty used to people leaving me by now. I'm surprised I have one and a half people left in my life.
Anyway, I decided to go back. I had all my shit packed in my car, had fought with my mom in the driveway for an hour and was ready to go!!
I'm not going to go into details about what happened next because it literally took up six pages in my paper journal. So to summarize, my car broke before I even had a chance to get gas.
I phoned my mom after crying in a parking lot for awhile and she helped me get my car to the shop.
Here's where some important background information will come in handy. My car was having problems before I even got to my moms house a week before. When I told her about them she said we should take it down to the shop and she'd pay to get it fixed (I still have no job by the way). I told her that'd be nice but we couldn't because my car isn't insured or registered so it would get reported and seized if I took it in. At this point in time I was going to move to Kelowna so she told me she'd get my car insured/registered under her name and them AFTER, we could get it fixed without any worry.
WELL, I obviously didn't get my car insured because I didn't choose Kelowna. Hell, I didn't even get the gas money she had offered.
So, when I was on the phone with her I reminded her about the no insurance/registration thing and she told me, "Don't worry, I know the owner."
SHE SAID DON'T WORRY. NOTHING TO WORRY ABOUT NOW RIGHT? WRONGGGGGG
After like two days of tinkering they figure it's going to be like an $800 job. This is already a problem because my mom only offered $300 in repairs. So I'm talking to my boyfriend, trying to come up with how to get the remaining $500 when I'm dropped with a fucking NUCLEAR BOMB.
They found a "problem" with the registration of the car and won't work on it OR release it until it's fixed.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I fucking spaz. Because to get a car registered here, you need insurance. And for me to get insurance the cheapest I can get it for is if I can drop $700 in one go.
AND SO EVEN IF I CAN SOMEHOW FIND $700, I'D STILL NEED $800 MORE TO FUCKING BE ABLE TO GET THE DAMN THING MOVING.
As soon as this happens mom puts up her hands and is like, "this isn't my problem!"
Which, I kind of understand because YES, I am the one who is driving an uninsured/registered car. BUT SHE'S THE ONE WHO TOLD ME NOT TO WORRY ABOUT THAT BECAUSE SHE KNEW THE GUY!!!
I mean, I could've driven home slowly and everything would've been fine.
Mom too is totally against helping me out with a loan. So like... I don't understand what to do.
I can't leave here because literally everything I own is in that car. I can't leave here because buses are expensive and also I have extreme anxiety now and would never be able to do it. BUT, I also can't get a job (I've had 5 calls for interviews this fucking week that I had to say no to) to pay for anything because I'm here. I also can't get a job here because my mom is moving to a different town on the 5th and I won't have enough time to save.
SO SERIOUSLY WHAT DO I DO?
My boyfriend and I are also supposed to be out of the apartment on the 20th so we're fucked there too because we have no way to get the furniture out! SOOO, I'll lose probably most of my damage deposit ($750) because the apartment will have all our shit in it that they'll have to deal with. I'll have to pay them, to throw out all our fucking furniture. Like what the fuck.
I'm going insane here. I was police escorted to the hospital the other night too because I was yelling and screaming at my mom in her car (about how she won't help me, how she literally got me trapped here on PURPOSE just because she didn't like my decision) when for some reason I decided to start kicking her BMW's windshield repetitively until it smashed (another $700).
My mom was driving me to the hospital while I was doing this because I was also threatening suicide since I have no idea what to do. We get to the hospital and she leaves the car to go to the front desk and I'm waiting in the car when I realize I don't need to wait there. So I start walking off, without an idea on where I'm going.
I end up going home where the police are already waiting for me (idk why my mom didn't just call me or pick me up, she would've seen me walking). They asked me questions and took me to the hospital to be assessed.
WHILE WAITING FOR AN HOUR, more cops came and were chilling with the cop that was with me. This one blonde butch bitch decided she wanted to piss me off more than I already was. She asked me questions (she somehow knew about my situation) and was being so ignorant about my entire relationship. She even called me a druggy when I mentioned how I was almost raped in September.
"You said you were messed up, so what's your drug of choice? Meth? Crack?"
NO BITCH MESSED UP AS IN DRUGGED. BUT WAS THIS FACT A CONCERN TO ANY OF YOU GUYS WHEN ALL OF THIS HAPPENED? NO. MUST BECAUSE I'M A METH HEAD LIKE MY BROTHER WHO JUST GOT OUT OF REHAB.
Why am I supposed to respect cops again...?
Anyway blahblahblah I said I wouldn't hurt myself and they sent me home to an understandably grumpy mother.
Anyway, everyday is the same now. I just sit in my old room alone. Not knowing what the fuck to do and how the fuck to get out. I want to die so bad. I don't think I've ever wanted death this much. I literally have no other way out.
I was sitting around 126.4 but I'm pretty sure I'm gained do to all the fucking food I'm being given by my mother. That's stressing me out a lot too. All this goddamn fucking food. I'm gonna lose my thigh gap I just know it! But I've only had it for a couple weeks :(
Today I got to thinking about how I'm turning 23 soon and that has made me even more depressed. I have wasted my youth on nothing. A fascade of a love story, and I am now just old and faded. No career, no love, no life, no experience, no friends.
I hate everything and everyone because I have no one.
I'm no longer a cute, young, little 20-year-old. No one looks at me like I'm special anymore, no one wants to talk to me anymore. Everyone's just mean; and I'm just old and hagered... I'M A HAS BEEN.
WHY COULDN'T I HAVE JUST DIED IN THAT GODDAMN FUCKING TUB.
- Mint.
