Monday, August 27, 2012

+++

Heeeeey!

Today's going good and yesterday was good too! I ate what I was supposed to eat and I worked out last night and this morning too.

I'm not taking my diet pills, but I'm having three espresso shots instead! Two in the morning and one at night. It works because it wakes me up, gives me energy, suppresses my appetite, and doesn't leave me as jittery. I think I'll just stick with that for now.

A girl at work saw the scars on my arm yesterday when I had my sweater off (because I needed to take off my apron). I was showing her where the oven cleaner devoured my skin (more on my hand than my arm).

"Was that from the oven cleaner too?"

"No."

Awkwarddd

And then she just moved to another conversation lol I'm glad she didn't ask more about it, because I can't lie now a days...

Anywaaaay, I can't think of anything else to write about right now, so I guess I'll be off.

Think thin ladies!

♥,

Mint.

Sunday, August 26, 2012

I don't care if you're hungry, skinny is more important.

Breakfast: diet pills, apple with a tablespoon of peanut butter and a glass of orange juice (roughly 300)

Lunch: diet pills, and a banana (roughly 100)

Supper: sandwich (roughly 150)

If I need food at work I'll only be allowed Greek salad and diet coke.
If I need food after work I'll have soup or salad.

This is fucking serious, I need to lose weight. I need to be skinny.

- Mint.


Tuesday, August 14, 2012

Happy Blog-iversary

One year ago I started this blog.

Everything that has happened since then was unexpected. The only expectation I had for this blog was to become thin, and that's basically the only thing that hasn't happened.

I've spent my first year in real life here, with you guys, and you've known my struggles. You were there from the beginning. You were there when I lost weight, when I gained weight. You were there the first time I left bruises on my body, or carved my skin. There through the binges, and the starvation. There through the tears and the days when I couldn't face the sun.

Thank you, all of you for supporting me, whether you were here from the beginning or just reading now, or are a future reader. I don't know what I would've done without this blog.

This past year has been brutal, and I have definitely changed for the worse, but I suppose that life is a journey, and change is to be expected.

So here's to the next year to follow, and the one after that. Here's to moving forward and leaving the past behind.

Is this supposed to be inspirational? It's sounding inspirational but I'm not feeling inspired at all...

Whatever, I love you guys. And thanks for being there for me.

♥♥♥

Mint.

P.s yesterday was my birthday. It sucked.

Saturday, August 4, 2012

I can't think of a clever title.

I keep getting these little bursts of happiness.

They come and suddenly I want to work out healthily, I want to do yoga, and paint. I want to dance, and hug my friends, I want to kiss a stranger just to see what happens.

And then, it's gone.

Life. What's the point? There is none.


I am consumed by the darkness once again. My head is quiet, and time tick tocks by.

I wish I wanted something in life. Something real, you know? Something to do.

Earlier today I wanted to be a baker, and own a bakery/café. I'd have a chalkboard out front that would say when the baguettes and tarts and scones would be coming out of the oven...

But that makes no money. My business wouldn't even make a dime too probably. I'd have to close and work at Wal-Mart. I'd be an embarrassment. And fatter than ever.

About half an hour I decided I wanted to join the fitblr movement on tumblr. Be super healthy and happy and eat loads but still lose weight because I'd be working it off.

Yeah, no.


Fucking hell. I don't want to be here. I don't want to be on earth. I want to die.

I wish I was never born.

I'm so ungrateful.

This is going to be a long life...

- Mint.

Friday, August 3, 2012

Bleck.

Binged last night.

Went to bed feeling full.

Woke up feeling sick.

Still feel sick, but have to eat so that I don't start the cycle of binge and starve, binge and starve.

Ugh. Stupid food.

Why is life so hard?

Wednesday, August 1, 2012

Holy Shit.

Holy shit.

It's August.


I've almost spent a whole YEAR on this blog! That's sort of exciting! I've actually stuck with something (give of take a few months haha)

It's also pretty pathetic seeing as I haven't met ANY of my goals, and the only changes in myself is the scars all over my body, the extra fat under my skin, and the fact that I'm less of a human and more of a monster.

great.


I've been taking these "natural" pills that my mom gave me, they are supposed to be a mood stabilizer. I have been feeling more positive lately but I don't like the fact that I need to take pills not to feel completely pathetic most of the time.

And adding in my caffeine laden diet pills, it feels like I'm just running as fast as I can away from my problems.

It feels like I can't stop. If I do stop the shadows will consume me, I'll be lost forever. But I know they're close, really close. If I listen closely I can hear them, calling me. Trying to reel me in without a fight.

"Mintttt... Minttttt... What are you going to do with your pathetic life? Why even try? Why even wake up? Come into the shadows. Stay here, with us... Minttttt..."


But then after a second my legs automatically run harder. I have no control over them. I have no control over my mind. I can't focus on my worries at the moment, I can only keep focus on food, food, food.

I'm suddenly a health nerd. It's so weird. I have wheat germ in my freezer lol

And I'm eating a mostly vegan diet too. I have almond milk, and vegan butter! The only time I slip is at work, ooooof course.

I may be a health nerd at the moment, but I'm still a disordered one.

Yesterday for lunch at work I brought an apple and a mandarine. I don't like mandarines, but when packing my lunch I was in a good mood, and threw it in, knowing that it would make my calorie intake a little higher than planned.

Lunch time rolled around, and I couldn't eat it. I knew I shouldn't, but I also knew that it really didn't matter. I still didn't eat it though.

At least I'm eating something though, right? I'm binging far less and am losing about a pound a day on non-binge days. I just wish that I didn't need food. Or that binging didn't do anything.

Or that I wasn't so fucked up with food. Or that I was skinny. Or that skinny didn't matter. Or that I wasn't here.

Ugh.

ALSO, I've been really dizzy lately. More dizzy than normal. It's really annoying. Is there a quick fix for that? Because I seriously think that I'm going to just fall down one day at work, and that wouldn't be good lol.

Positive, positive, positive. Don't let the demons get you...


Think thin!

♥,

Mint.