hellurrrrr~~

I finally got diagnosed with bpd on thursday.

been waiting for that for years. feel nothing.

I feel the same way I felt when I started self harming. like I’m not good enough to call it self harm.

it def became “good enough” though.

anyway, that’s the point. why am I suddenly thinking I’m not good enough or sick enough to have a thing that I’ve been told I’ve had for about 6 years now??

I felt stupid following bpd subreddits because I wasn’t diagnosed. but now I feel stupid for following because I don’t think I’m bad enough.

when I know I am. like it’s so conflicting.

yes. I can hold most of my impulses in. YES. SURE. OKAY. but it doesn’t mean that I don’t feel every fucking thing. and that I don’t want to hack my arm off over someone just acting a little bit different towards me. or that I don’t want to rip my stomach open to rid myself of the emptiness. or that I don’t want to bash my head against the wall and scream until my vocal chords explode.

it all hurts. or it feels like nothing. I feel the chaos building all the time. it’s scary because I know I’m about to implode.

not EXPLODE, because I’ve learnt how to stop the extreme impulses.

which means I’m not sick enough.

I’m just needy and pathetic and immature.

I HATE MYSELF

I LITERALLY KNOW I’M BEING SO CONFLICTING TO MYSELF 😭😭😭 LIKE WHY CANT I JUST BE???????

everything hurts and my mind keeps saying, “I want to go home.”

but I am home? if this isn’t home wtf am I wanting??

my brother isn’t doing well again.

found out he uses intravenously on my birthday back in august 🥲 who tf injects meth. who taught him that?? why did this happen to him?

he was also homeless for a bit and had people after him (maybe idk maybe it was paranoia).

he sought help and started school to be a mechanic. he was doing well. then this week I found out through mom he’s gone mia again. using again. doesn’t care again.

all of this hurts so much. I have my own problems that are making it hard for me to deal too but whenever shit like this is happening with my brother I fall to pieces.

idk what to do.

I just feel pain. I drink so I can numb. I’m lost.