I miss my identity and freedom.

My baby lives in shades of blue; blue eyes, and jazz, and attitude.

I went to this party last Friday because A) I was invited, and B) because I didn't really talk to anyone that was going and knew that it'd be an amazing opportunity to overcome anxiety.

I told my shrink about it and she agreed with it being something I should do. But I knew BB would be upset because I'm not supposed to be drinking/going out. I thought he'd understand that the main reason I'm going out was to overcome anxiety but he still wasn't happy. He said to do whatever I wanted and that's exactly what I did.

Turns out he had a really bad day at work too so it wasn't the best mix. This dick had been giving him a really hard time at work the last week or so and on Friday it escalated to the point where he tried to punch BB, missed, and then BB swung and of course didn't fucking miss lol

SOOOOO, he got kicked off the crew and had to find a way back to my place within the next 24 hours.

I can understand how having that happen in his day could heighten anger and frustration but STILL, what happened after was fucking retardedddd.

I spent a lot of the party talking to him on the phone outside, trying to think of ways to make his shitty day better, but when I tried everything I could think of and eventually became irritated because I was missing out on my opportunity, I got mad.

He'd keep phoning and texting me when I was trying to hang out with these people, and eventually he got sick of me ignoring him and then we were BROKEN UP lol like wtfffff.

I got pissed, like pissed to the max. Like, let me have a fucking life. Let me try to overcome shit that's been making me miss out on opportunities like this for yearzzzzz.

When I get pissed I yell. I don't mean to but it's just what I do; I also swear a lot more. And apparentlyyyy when other people do that it's like a big fucking deal so then he was all mad at that and was like STOP FUCKING YELLING AT ME, STOP FUCKING SWEARING AT ME.

It was a big ordeal to say the least lol I was up till like 4 talking to him about it. I left the bar and everyone super early too because it just wasn't worth it.

It's funny too because he'd always be like I'M DONE TALKING TO YOU STOP. And then like 3 minutes later he'd like phone me again or say something else lol which tells me that he really didn't want the night to be the way it was.

ANYWAY, I woke up the next morning with like a gazillion missed phone calls and texts and we sorted shit out sorta. I know that he has a lot of reasons not to trust me (due to things I've done in the past, and things other people had done to him in the past) but STILLLLL he should just realize that he's the only one I want.

That aside, everything is good again lol I feel like I love him more and more each day. It's weird, kinda scary when things go wrong but still, I believe that we're meant to be.

We're figuring each other out in bed more and sex and kissing and basically every little aspect of our relationship just keeps getting better.

It's weird cause you feel like, this is it, this is how much I can love someone, this is the best it's going to be. But then nopeeeee all of a sudden you're in deeper than you were before.

Maybe distance is a good thing in a relationship sometimes; even though it's hard as fuckkkkk.

AWE LAST NIGHT, bae had a bad dream and he woke up crying and I felt so bad. I couldn't do anything to make him feel better and he of course didn't want to talk about it but it seriously broke my heart. He's got so many skeletons in his closet… I just want to rid his life of all of them, and sweep away the cobwebs of bad memories.

It's hard but I know that if he didn't have all those shadows and junk, he wouldn't be who he is today. Would he be the man that I want to spend the rest of my life with? No. So is it a good thing that he had all this bad stuff happen to him? I have no fucking idea.

I guess not, like if I do really love him I'd want him to be happy no matter what. So if I had the chance to go back in time and erase all the bad stuff from his life, even if it could mean him and I not existing in the future, I guess I'd do it.

- Mint.

Today my mom said:

"Have you noticed a difference in the house since you've taken all of your paintings down?"

"Yeah… It feels empty."

"And what about the house?"

"What do you mean?"

"What's the house doing?"

"Mom, just get to the metaphor already."

"Even though the paintings are down, the house is still sturdy and standing."

"Okay…."

"It's you. The paintings are your presence, and the house is everyone you affect in life. Sure you if you cut off relations, or end your existence entirely, the people will still stand. But they'll be much emptier. I know you think you have no affect on people, and that you're invisible, or that no one really cares about whether you're in their lives or not, but that's just not true. It's okay to take up space, it's okay to exist. You affect people, and if you take yourself out of their lives, that's just going to leave them with a feeling of emptiness."

And I think that's the deepest and most understanding thing mom has ever said to me.

I'm going to get the outline of a heart tattooed on my left index knuckle for many a reason:

1. The quote, "The greatest thing you'll ever learn is just to love and be loved in return."
2. To remind myself that I am in fact loved. Not just by a boy, but family and friends.
3. To remind myself to love myself as well.
4. The obvious, "follow your heart"
5. And to remember what mom said to me today. It's not going to be filled in to remind me of the space I would leave in people's lives if I weren't here.

- Mint.

He sent me this the other night:

It's so adorable.

BB and I usually act like children most of the time. We make fun of each other, bother each other, play fight, play tricks; always just goofing off. Sometimes I forget how deep he actually is.

We got him to Lloyd yesterday using my car and his gas money so that he could finally do his orientation to be able to start work today. His company payed for the hotel for the night so I decided to stay because I don't know when I'll see him next and because I miss the fuck out of this little fucker.

We decided to watch a movie after dinner and he needed munchies for the movie, neeeeeeeded, so he nicked out to the store real quick without me and I TOOK ADVANTAGE OF BEING BY MYSELF WITH HIS SUITCASE.

See, the last week or so he's been at his grandmother's and has been bored as fuck. He has my ipad so that we can talk while he's in camp because his phone is fucked right up again, but ipad games can keep one occupied for only so many days.

One day I suggested that he start a blog and write stuff down to pass the time and he totally did. He wrote for like an hour the first time. He said he wrote about all the things on his mind, his family, me, and how he felt about starting his new job and everything.

As soon as he said he wrote about me I was like OMG LEMME READ IT. And of course he said no because it's personallllll.

But fuck, this boy is so mysterious sometimes, I just had to find a way to read it.

So, as soon as he left, I raced over to the ipad and took a peak lmao I DON'T CARE IF YOU THINK IT WAS INVADING HIS PRIVACY, I'M A CURIOUS PERSON OKAY?

He really did write a shit ton lmao, dated it and made paragraphs and everything which for some reason I thought was really cute.

I only really skimmed through it all because I didn't have much time so I read about me first >:3

AND IT WAS SOOOO CUTE OMGGGGG.

He was saying how he's so lucky to have me, how helpful/supportive I've been for him, and how he doesn't know what he'd do without meeeee. He also wrote about how he's excited that we're both slowly getting our shit together because it's better for us and so we can move in together. He mentioned about how he's worried about my drinking and self-harm and junk but that's not a cute part of the story lmao it's just nice to know that he's actually 100% sincere when he talks to me about it.

He talked a lot about his mom too. Until a month ago he hadn't talked to her for 5 years. She used to be a crack head and stuff, but she's clean now and is going to school. He wrote about how he once really hated her and that maybe that's why he had a lot of built up frustration the past few years. But he's glad that their relationship is on the mend.

He wrote about how he wants to be closer to his aunty and grandmother, and how he hates when he gets in fights with them because he really doesn't mean to hurt their feelings, it's just a heated moment thing.

He also wrote about how he's really a super loving guy, but not everyone sees that and it makes him kinda bummed out LOL AWEZZZZ

Anyway, I'm super glad I looked at his lil' journal entries. It was so sincere and I liked to be able to see what's exactly in his head. Just because of all the things people say about him or think about him, my mind likes to second guess the relationship I have with him and always wonders the sincerity of it all.

My time with him yesterday was so good. I felt whole again and all smiley again.

We had a silly string fight while we were driving in the car (it's not safe I don't recommend it lol); I got mad at him for some reason and was trying to give him the silent treatment when we got lost on this dirt road trying to find the orientation office and he kept trying to make me laugh when suddenly he just STOPPED the car in the middle of the road and put the hazard lights on and was like, "WE ARE NOT MOVING FROM THIS SPOT UNTIL YOU LAUGH GODDAMMIT!" and then started tickling me and kissing me all over and I wasn't even mad to begin with lol; I got to sit with him in this room while he did his orientation booklets and we had these wheely chairs and just kept pushing each other on them, fucking each other up; we had a massive pillow fight in the hotel room, which led to like this weird wrestle match thing lol; we got ice from the ice box and then kept hiding from each other around corners and jumping out to scare the other; and then we finallyyyyy got to snuggle and go to sleep.

I missed falling asleep with him so much omg, and our cuddles. Never has anyone been more comfy than BB.

I was big spoon for a little bit before we fell asleep and he was holding my hand and every so often he'd kiss it and I thought it was adorable.

When I'm with him I feel part of a whole, and I feel like this world was meant to be conquered together. Us and the world, and that's all there is.

Sometimes when we're quiet, like when we're smoking together or driving, and are lost in our own thoughts, I'll catch him looking at me, just smiling. Not his cheeky smile, or sexy lip bite smile, or laughing smile, but a really soft one.

"What?" I'll say laughing.

"Nothing." is how he always replies; still looking, still smiling.

He loves me, he really does. This is something I never thought would happen to me. I've even written it down in this blog probably multiple times.

"I will never be loved."

But now I am. It's an odd sensation, finding someone you didn't even know you had lost. I just hope that I don't ever lose the rest of my whole, that's a feeling I don't ever want to find.

UGH NOW I MISS HIM AGAIN.

It'll be better once I know his set schedule though. The lady said that a lot of the crews are being moved around right now so for his training he's going to be all over the place, WHICH MEANS THERE'S A VERY VERY SMALLLL POSSIBILITY THAT HE COULD HAVE MY BIRTHDAY OFF LMAO I won't get my hopes up thoughhhh.

I'll write about my appointment with the psychologist tomorrow if anyone's wondering!

- Mint.

Late night thoughts...

But what if I slip? What if I make a spontaneous mistake? Does that count? Does that mean it's over?

Is that love? Or is that you not wanting to deal with me?

Not being able to deal with me?

Is it me, or is it you?

- Mint.

God I'm so crazy, baby, I'm sorry that I'm misbehaving...

I almost ran over a child today.

I got gas and was leaving the pump, going slow but accelerating as one does.

This child was running, and accelerating as one does.

He was in my blind spot.

We both stopped at the exact same time. He was right beside my window when we froze in time.

It was so scary, I felt so bad.

It was the first time that I realized that life comes with the promise of death.

It was an odd thought, an odd feeling.

I live in a bubble filled with only thoughts about myself. I don't understand when people think of me or care about me.

But when this event happened. I stopped and thought, and worried.

Is this how others view life? Am I absent from this area of life?

Of course I care about people, and think about people that mean a lot to me, but normally people I don't know personally, I don't give a fuck about. I don't think about their lives, theirs faults, ambitions, dreams, past, present, future…

But this little boy, I saw for a total of two minutes…

I cared and worried and wondered.

I thought about life, about death.

Is this how others live life?

- Mint.

My birthday is coming up in like 10 days

Sasha Pivovarova & Andreea Diaconu

Chloé Fall Winter 2014

“Don’t look back.”

On a gravel road in a deserted landscape, two girls make their escape. 

In a spontaneous moment, they seize their chance to run.

All roads lead to adventure.

Lensed by Inez & Vinoodh

I've decided that during my 21st year on this earth, I'm going to dedicate my life to being free.

I'm not saying that I'm going to go explore the world and not be grounded by anything, I'm just saying that I'm going to work really hard on ridding myself of the chains I've shackled myself with, and destroy the walls I've built.

I want to feel like a bird. Fearless.

I want to see things and do them. I want to not care about people. I want to be independent and I want to go somewhere.

I don't want to care so much… I want to be free…

- Mint.

I have an appointment with a psychologist on Tuesday at 2. That's disgusting.