Take caution within your mind.

Maybe I'll go to school for two years for fashion, and then another for graphic design, and then see what happens.

I don't know. Don't think too far ahead.

First thing's first, fix your stupid head.

- Mint.

I need to get out.

I was just thinking about how creative I used to be before university.

All I did in school was doodle. I used to love drawing on the desk the most. The feeling of the pencil on the varnish felt so smooth. I remember once in grade 12 my math teacher almost gave me detention for doodling on the desk so much (I didn't own an eraser).

Another time in grade 12, when stuff started getting really bad, and I wasn't even trying at all. I'd sit there during my exams and just doodle all over the pages and then hand it in.

I remember in 6th grade when my teacher wanted me to get my stories published. I remember roleplaying in the neopets chat rooms. Creating worlds and building them with others.

Grade 12, spring break. I got a few friends to come over, and we spent the afternoon drawing on the sidewalks with chalk. We filled about half the block and we made it into the paper.

The very first thing I wanted to be when I was little was an artist. And then a singer, and then an actress until I was 13.

I remember getting my first camera when I was 12, about to turn 13. It was a crappy digital one, but I got so into it so quickly, I decided I needed something better. BOOM, dropped $500 on a camera with major zoom and macro and I just went to townnnnn.

When I got into film, whenever I'd have a roll developed, the lady at the counter would always comment on how she liked my photos.

When I was a cake decorator, my old boss from the deli was adamant about me changing my degree in school to fine arts.

When I create something, apparently I do it well.

I made videos, I wrote scripts, I had ideas, dreams, imagination. I had thoughts.

I was never interested in jobs that weren't creative. I didn't think anyone was actually. But as we started growing up people started speaking about accounting, and geology, and science, and teaching, fucking law. I was honestly bamboozled. I thought they were kidding, trying to sound mature. But I'm starting to realize that they might actually be into that sort of thing.

Anyway, what I'm trying to get to here is that I think I might be onto something. I think what stops me from moving forward is not knowing exactly which steps I'll be taking, and exactly where I'll be going.

Whenever I try to think of like a "life plan" it always includes every individual step. I make the plan soooo exact that I get overwhelmed because, "what if it doesn't work out?" "what if I'm not good enough?" "what if I get bored?" "is this really what I want to do?"

I ask myself these questions and then get overwhelmed and end up doing nothing. So I should stop that.

Also, this "creative block" thing I've got goin' on here. This, "haven't been doodling and drawing and having ideas" thing. I think it's because I've gotten too trapped in my own mind.

I've built walls keeping myself in, keeping the world out.

And if I'm stuck inside myself, how can I get anything out? If the outside can't get in, how can it have any influence on my mind?

I need to get out. I need space to stretch and breathe. I need to be able to open my eyes again. I need fluidity. I need infinity.

I need to figure out how to do that.

- Mint.

Second post of the day.

Imma just rant here for a second because I'm angry.

I don't understand people at all. I've already talked about this before many times, but fuck it, it's my blog, it's my mind, and I can talk about anything I fucking want on here.

I don't understand why people can't be straight up. If you're bothering them, why, the fuck can't people grow a pair and tell you? Or build a fucking bridge, bite your tongue, and deal until you get over it?

Like what the fuck. "Passive aggressive"? My fucking ass. I'm talking about Morgan.

I felt like she was mad at me, saw the opportunity to see into her mind because she left her fb logged in to my laptop, saw that she was fucking mad at me, confronted her, apologized, talked about it, gave her time and space, and then came back.

But her and fucking Dill are both still ignoring me. Morgan is blaming it like, "Oh, I take forever to get back to people!" YEAH FUCKING RIGHT. YOU'RE ALWAYS ON FB. YOU NEVER FORGET TO GET BACK TO DILL OR ANYONE ELSE.

BUT I GUESS THAT'S BECAUSE THEY'RE YOUR FRIENDS, AND I'M JUST PEOPLE.

Like, fuck. Sorry I passed out in the cab because of my fucking medication. Sorry that I thought that you made me pay for the cab both ways, BECAUSE IT'S FUCKING HAPPENED BEFORE.

Like fuckkkkk me. Don't just ignore me. That's the worst possible thing anyone could do to me, ignore me. I'm not fucking kidding here either. When you ignore a lonely person who lives off of human interaction, you kill them. It drives me crazier than I already am, and fucking hell, am I insane right now.

Everyone is slamming doors in my face right now. Every. Single. Person.

And it's almost ironic because, back in high school when my sanity was beginning to slip from my fingertips I thought, "Shh! Keep it a secret! If you let it out, people will swamp you with help that you don't want!"

And now, now that I'm actively looking and askinggggg for fucking help, no one is giving a damn. Everyone is turning a blind eye, ignoring me, closing the fucking door.

No one is ever on my side about anything either. Like, you don't even have to agree with what I'm saying, I really don't give a damn. Whenever I rant to someone all I want to hear is you saying, "Omg really? What the fuck! Noooo, what!?" I don't want to hear, "Well you know you do that a lot." or, "You had it coming." if I'm talking to you about a personal problem; about someone who means something to me, and who is slipping away due to a fault that I already knowwww I created, I don't need you to be playing the defence. I really don't because that kills me even more.

It reminds me of my mom when I was having problems in high school. It's just another fucking door in my face. I'm sorry, I just wanted to say something because it's eating me up you know. I just want to rant. Hell, when I wake up tomorrow I'll be fine.

I'm just really bothered about having no one here with me right now. I'm so angry about being the mess I am, and ruining all the relationships I create. I'm a fucking mess and deserve it, I know. I just don't want to go to people for an ear, and get the fucking mirror in return.

UGHHHH THAT'S NOT EVEN WHAT THIS POST IS ABOUT.

I JUST WISH I WASN'T FUCKED.

THAT WOULD SOLVE ALL MY PROBLEMS.

IF I WASN'T FUCKED I WOULDN'T MESS UP RELATIONSHIPS. I WOULDN'T BE ALONE RIGHT NOW. I WOULDN'T BE SO NEEDY. I WOULDN'T BE IN PEOPLE'S FACES ALL THE TIME. I WOULDN'T BE ME AND THAT'D JUST BE SO FUCKING GREAT GODDAMMIT I HATE MYSELF. SO FUCKING MUCH. GODDAMMIT. GOD FUCKING DAMMIT…

Get me out of hereeeeee, get me out of my head…….

please.

- Mint.

Holy fuck it's the 7th.

How the hell is it already the 7th? What have I even been doing these last few days?

I can't remember exactly what I've done but I know it includes feeling sorry for myself, alcohol, and at night, if drunk Mint is still awake, singing sad songs at the top of my lungs over the edge of my deck. It's drunk Mint's new favourite thing to do apparently. She's waiting for someone to applaud, and for romance.

I really do hate these pills though. They make me sleepy and hurt my stomach. And as soon as you put any liquor into me, I pass out in like an hour. One of these past few days I like forced myself through it, and forced myself to stay awake. I think I was up until 11.

Yesterday, I passed out (ps is it past or passed because I really have no idea) at around 2, woke up at 6, and couldn't fall asleep until 5. Then woke up near 11 this morning. The reason I couldn't fall asleep is because I was just feeling really fucking anxious and terrible about myself.

SO THESE PILLS AREN'T EVEN WORKING.

IF ANYTHING I'M FEELING WORSE.

I'm fucking afraid to leave my apartment. I'm scared of anyone looking at me, noticing my existence. I'm afraid to drive. Like FUCK. ME.

The depression is bad right now too. I'm so fucking alone and everyone around me is so busy and going here and going there. Doing this and that, planning, succeeding, trying. I'm just here. Literally just sitting here.

My mind is so corrupt I can't focus on anything. I have no ideas or thoughts, just negative energy. I've destroyed my mind. And I'm only 20. Like what the hell am I going to do?

Anxiety and depression stop me from doing anything. It stopped me from taking French, it stopped me from school all together, made me quit my bar tending course, pushes me away from people, mutes my mind from hopes and dreams.

LIKE FUCK. This is so not far. This is supposed to be the best years of my life and I'm wasting them away by being afraid to go outside.

It's not fair. What the hell did I do to deserve feeling like this? Why the fuck can't I stop it.

Mind over fucking matter. Why can't I get it? Why do I fight myself, contradict myself. I hate me. I hate my brain. I hate what my life is.

- Mint.

Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind.

Last night my roomie officially moved out.

It wasn't a fun night.

My fridge is so empty without all her food.

Last night I stared out the window for about an hour. No thoughts, just emptiness.

I eventually caved and bought some rum, got drunk, and sang sad songs off of my balcony; fell asleep in a puddle of my own tears again.

I learnt that my anti-anxiety pills make you drowsy when taken with alcohol, so that's why I've been passing out so hard lately. The doc doubled my dose.

I woke up this morning, alone. Numb. Sad. Alone. Lonely...

Breakfast at Tiffany's, that's exactly what I needed and that's exactly what I watched. It's kinda cool because it's Audrey Hepburn's birthday today so in a way I'm glad that I had the mean reds today.

I realized that I like watching movies about lonely people because it makes me feel good to know that other people are just as lonely as I am. Even if they're fictional, someone had to feel that loneliness to be able to write about it you know?

I also watched Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind and Somewhere yesterday and they're both amazing.

"How happy is the blameless vestal's lot!

The world forgetting, by the world forgot.

Eternal sunshine of the spotless mind!

Each pray'r accepted, and each wish resign'd"

That fucking spoke to me. It hit home, and it meant something. I'm going to get "eternal sunshine" tattoo'd on the side of my right hand. It's perfect.

Anyway, I'm sad and totally alone and pathetic and poetic. I feel like van Gogh.

A full heart but with no one to share it with. Maybe I should cut off my ear.

- Mint.

It was raining and I was sad. It stopped raining and I was still sad.

Yesterday was terrible.

Roomie is moving out and it just feels like everyone's leaving because everyone is leaving.

Either going home for the summer, or travelling, or because they don't need me.

I'm so alone and it's a gross feeling.

Yesterday I got really drunk and real sad and I cried a whole bunch and I really needed a hug but I had no one to hug.

I went to T's house because I really wanted to return his book because I felt like I had it for far too long and also after returning it, I'd have no reason to see him again which would be awesome.

I went there and I was still kinda crying and I returned his goddamn book and he was like, "Are you drunk?"

I laughed, "I'm always drunk." I said emotionlessly, then turned and started going back towards my car.

"You shouldn't be driving!" He yelled back at me.

"I'M FINEEEE" I yelled back.

I drove back home and went back to my room and cried until I passed out.

I hate people. I hate how I need them.

And I hate anxiety and how it's ruining my life.

And I hate my life. And I hate myself for not having enough courage to end it.

I hate how sometimes I think I'm worth enough to make it better.

I hate myself I hate myself I hate myself

More than anything or anyone.

And it's funny because that's all I have.

- Mint.