Employed.

So when I told my mom that I quit she went ballistic on me, and told me that I had to go to work to take down the note I wrote.

But when she told me this it was too late to go down there, so instead I had to wake up at six in the morning (so I could ready and look presentable because I'm insecure like that), drive down to work before anyone got in, and take down the note. T_T

That makes me feel trapped and without control.

It sort of sucked because I didn't go to sleep that night until 2 o'clock since my dog decided to take up the ENTIRE bed, and also because I had to work until nine last night. But oh well I guess, hopefully today will be better?

OH YEAH, yesterday I ate salad at work again. I'm such a failure omg. But I'm still shrinkingggg :) It's such a good feeling, I love it. I should really be fasting though...

I should really be doing a lot of things right now, actually.

Maybe I'll try today.

Think thin!

♥,

Mint.

Unemployed.

I quit my job.

At the end of my shift I wrote them a note saying that I quit.

They keep fucking me over and I've just had it.

I'm going to apply at a vet's office tomorrow (my mom told me that he has like no staff).

I'm sort of freaking out though because this is the second job that I've quit without finishing my two weeks. So I don't have a good rep going on... Oh well. If people hire the idiots I've had to work with, I'm sure to get a job somewhere.

I ate some salad at work (after fasting for 24-hours) because I was freaking out wondering what I should do; whether I should quit or not.

Sooo yeah... I suck at fasting. And I suck at control.

But, I didn't binge. So that's good.

Think thin.

♥,

Mint.

Today will be good.

Fasting again todaaaaay.

Planning on fasting until Saturday but you never know when I'll break.

Today should be good because I'm empty and work a half shift. It's odd how I distance myself away from people but feel more miserable without them.

I really wish I had friends... It'd be so nice just to go exploring and take pictures and be happy. But whatever I guess.

(This is the part of the post where I talk about wanting to be happy, and how I'm going to achieve it)

I think I'm going to try to convince myself that I live in a world of magic LOL and that everything I do is because I'm passionately interested in it. And maybe if I convince myself that I live in this happy place, I'll become happy because of it.

I don't know. Probably won't work. I've got a lot of shadows hovering around me...

Anyway, I had more to write about, buuuut I've forgotten it all for the moment.

BYE!

I fucking hate myself.

Soooo, I ate.

I ate an apple.

I ate some cabbage.

I ate another apple.

I fucking made a pumpkin pie, and ate it.

What the fuck?

Every time one little thing goes wrong, I turn to food.

I couldn't focus on my schooling today, so I went to go for a drive to try to clear my thoughts. Not even halfway down the block, my car starts making sounds.

Fucking great. I've had this car for a month and already three things have gone wrong with it.

I immediately went back home, parked the car, and looked around. Nothing. Soo, I guess I'll talk to my mom about it tonight.

But as I went inside I was thinking, "Fuck. Fuck fuck fuck fuck." Buying a car was a bad decision. A $3,000 bad decision.

Now I'm more broke than before, I have to keep this crappy job during school so that I can pay for it, and for what? This car is causing more trouble than it's worth.

And as soon as one negative thought pops into my head, the whole choir joins it.

"You're sooo behind on your studies."
"Where are you going to go next year for university anyway? You can't talk to people."
"You've got everything you asked for this year and you're still going downhill, fast. And if you do make it through this year, you definitely won't be able to make the next."
"Souviens-tu ton français?"
"Learning French is pointless."
"Going to school is pointless."
"Working, pointless."
"Life... is pointless, Mint."

And then my instinct at that moment, "EAT. EAT, EAT, EAT! Avoid the thoughts! Avoid the stress! Food is your friend! EATTTTT."

Which is why I ate...

I'm so pathetic. I'm sorry. Pathetic mind, pathetic body.

And I'm sorry that my blogs are so long and pointless, and unorganized, and have no real flow. It annoys me too, don't worry.

Ugh.

I guess this means I'm following through with my original plan. No more eating until Saturday.

- Mint.

My head is slowly being taken overrrr

It's odd how I can feel the change.

The change where I'm not longer in control of my thoughts.

My evil smirks are back; the words "fat fucking whore" replaying over, and over in my mind; the need to keep this feeling of emptiness.

It's all coming back, in one enormous wave.

Earlier this afternoon I decided that this week I wouldn't fast, I'd eat only apples and bananas while my mom was gone because I didn't want them to go bad (we have a lot right now) but then I was just looking at some thinspo on tumblr when all of a sudden I decided that, no. I'm not eating tomorrow like originally planned, and the apples I was planning on eating later this week will be given to a friend.

I'll eat on Saturday.

Until then all I need is tea and gum and puréed vegetable soup (limited of course).

Ah, it feels good, so so goooood. My stomach growling feels like it's waking up from a good night's rest. Stretching, and groaning.

I want to hold this feeling, and slowly make my way back down, down, down.

Everything's becoming distorted again. Up is down and down is up. The thoughts are back, taking control. I feel it, the change.

Do you know what I mean?  The feeling of plummeting back into Wonderland? The feeling of an escape.

I can breathe now.

I feel good. Oh so terribly good.

♥♥♥

Did my fasttt!

Ended with a mini binge because I was baking all day (my mom still doesn't know that I'm vegan and she doesn't know either that I'm feeding her vegan foods that she actually likes, MUAHAHAHA) but that's okay, it wasn't that bad.

I'm fasting again today, then eating only apples and bananas tomorrow, and then fasting Wednesday-Friday because my mom is going to a conference and won't be around.

I'm glad that I'm back into fasting. It's a nice empty feeling, am I right?

On another note, I was freaking out last night again. Thinking about how every possible life choice is pointless, pointless, pointless.

I can't go back to actual uni next year. I just can't. I don't want to be back there, alone. Seeing the people I saw last year. I just can't face the happy smiles by myself.

But I can't transfer to the uni where my hometown friends are either because I'm not the same person anymore. Plus, they have new friends and love life and have goals and ambitions and blah blah blah.

Also, I can't imagine living away from my mom again. She's my rock. And if I feel so lost when I'm around her, I'll only go downhill without.

I'm still really behind in all my courses but my brain won't work. It doesn't care enough to focus.

fuck fuck fuck.

Oh, and my brother's wedding? Next August. I need to look good FAST. The bride-to-be's sister is super skinny, and happy, and lovely. And I don't want to look like a beached whale. I need to represent my family, and show that WE ARE AWESOME. lol, my priorities.

I should get to work.

Think thin.

♥,

Mint.

More random blabber.

I just want to be happy and skinny, and be a princess, and a sailor at the same time, and sail around the world on my boat and take pictures of pretty things and eat cute foods and wear cute skirts and sweaters, have friends and not think about anything I don't want to think about.

And then all of a sudden I want to be a cloud.

I really don't think I'm meant to live in reality. Reality is stupid and painful, and living in a world of fantasy would just be so much better.

Someone send me a map and compass so that I can go home.

Kay, thanks.

♥♥

Fastttt

Sooo, I binged.

I made an apple cake because I bought some bad apples, and I ate 6/9 pieces.

I'll be the only fat vegan in the world I swear.

So today I'm fasting. I wanted to write it on here because when I write things down I usually follow through.

I might fast again tomorrow too. I'll see.

I also decided that I need to fast at least one day a week. And that I can only use almond milk in my tea on weekends and on days where I fast.




Ugh, I'm so pathetic. I'm so fat. I'm so behindddd in schoooooool.

All I do is eat everything in the house, make a mess that I don't clean up, and make my mom buy more food while I don't do my homework.

I'm such a big fat disappointment.

I'm digging myself into a hole and I need to get out. Not eating will help me float away.

Think thin.

♥,

Mint.

Questions.

What's the point of life if you're unhappy?

I can see a point if you have friends and goals and dreams, but if you don't; What's the point?

Why is the world such a terrible place? And why are evils forced upon good people?

It's not fair.

I spent about the last hour crying; for my own sadness, for my mom's sadness, my grannie's sadness, for my family's sadness, for other people's sadness.

People shouldn't be sad. People shouldn't be mean to other people. It creates a terrible cycle of karma, and it morphs people into great balls of sadness, always remembering, always scarred.

I cut again today.

I tried out the razor blade that I stole from work about a week ago, but I prefer my scissors much more.

cut, cut, cut.

There was one cut that was perfect. A thick, non-jagged line. Like one of the fat markers that I never used as a child (I'd only use the skinny ones because the fat ones were ugly).

It bled and bled, that perfect cut.

I feel better.

Not good, but better.

♥,

Mint.

P.s. Is it weird that I usually only cut my left thigh, and my right arm? As my mother always says, "You have far too many rules for yourself."

{Insert clever, meaningful title hereee}

Soooo,

Today was interesting.

After breakfast this morning, I thought I had a seed stuck in the back of my teeth. So I got some floss and *POP* out comes a chunk of my tooth.

What the honest fuck?

There's like a gap back there now. And sometimes it hurts when I eat something, but I really don't want to go to the dentist. I don't like the dentist. I don't like needles in my mouth, I don't like being nervous, feeling awkward. And I KNOW that if I go to the dentist, my heart will have those nervous flutters, and I super hate those. Especially when I'm halfway upside down because of the fucking dentist chair.

The plus of the day though is that my work pants are FINALLY a bit looser! Yaaaaaaay! :)

That's definitely the positive reinforcement I've been looking for! Every day, smaller, smaller, smaller...

I'm so excited.

With school I'm super behind still, but whatever I guess... I don't even care right now.

Ughhhhh, life!

- Mint.

Think Think Think Think

All I do now a days is think.

I've never been much of a thinker, so this is really odd to me.

I think about food a lot, about the past, the future sometimes, school, friends, different places, different mes; I think about music, how I feel when I hear it; I think about art, how when I see something truly beautiful, how it feels like something's bubbling inside me.

I think about recipes, how to make them vegan, how to make them taste actually good. I think about words, cursive words, how I can't write them properly.

I think about tea, which teas are good, how I like them because a good cup of tea gives me a much needed hug. I like tea; and I can't wait for winter, it'll be so much better then.

I've been thinking that to be truly successful I should be someone else, not me. I'm not successful, the me that sits here writing this anyway. There is a successful Mint, but I don't know where she is.

The me I need right now is someone who doesn't sulk. I need a me who will keep her head up, get so focussed with what she's doing, that she forgets about how food makes her feel.

You know? I need to forget about food to be able to be successful with food.

I've turned into a comfort eater, and I hate it. I hate it so fucking much. And the fact that I can cook makes it worse. Being vegan doesn't stop me from making bad food. I'm clever, I can make anything from nothing.

I need to focus. Not sulk.

This is hard, it really is.

I wish I wasn't me, omg I really do.

I wish I had purpose in my life, some sort of goal, a passion that I really cared about. I wish I wasn't so hard on myself because then I just end up doing nothing.

I wish I could run away from this place, start a new with a different brain.

Ugh, life.

♥,

Mint.

Ugh.

Sooo, my brother got engaged last night.

I found out on Facebook.

They haven't even known each other for a year.

Why does my family keep doing this to me? Last year it was my dad, this year my brother.

I want to just run away, far, far, away.

I feel the shadows surrounding me, about to swallow me whole.

Work sucks, I get shit on all the time, have to do everyone else's work, and get no credit. I was going to get transferred to the bakery and work there as a cake decorator but they offered the job to this pregnant lady who's the wife of the meat department manager. If she said no, I was going to get it. I was so excited, but she said yes.

Schools sucks because I'm behind as hell since some of my days are completely taken over by work. I'm mostly behind in French.

My mind won't absorb the words, it sees no point. When am I ever going to use French? I'm never going to go anywhere in my life, so why learn it?

Fuck.

I was going to fast today (my work pants were no looser yesterday than the last day I worked) but there's an apple in my hand right now, and it's half gone.

Maybe Sunday I'll fast, I don't know. But as long as I stick to this vegan thing, I'm kinda happy. I've wanted to be vegan for a long time. I'm scared though that my mom will break me. She doesn't know that I'm vegan because she thinks that I'm unhealthy when it comes to food (LOL) and so if I become a vegan I'll just be "starving and thinking about food all the time" (LOL). So I have three options:

1. When she makes something non-vegan I tell her I'm a vegan and let her be pissed off at me forever and constantly have her bring it up.
2. Eat it, feel like shit, and break my record of consecutive days straight being vegan.
3. Avoid it, and throw out her love.

The last one seems easy but it's not. We're together a lot and Christmas is the worst; so much food everywhere. And when we cook together, of course you're going to try the end result, am I right? Ugh stress, stress, stress. I'm not even losing weight, so everything seems so pointless...

I should probably start my school work for the day... I'm already two hours behind because I slept in because I couldn't sleep last night because I was thinking and crying.

I haven't cried in awhile, it's nice. I hate feeling numb all the time, it's terrible.

♥,

Mint.

Update

Hii,

Sorry I haven't posted in a few days, I honestly just haven't gotten around to it until now.

I decided not to make a food diary blog just because I know I wouldn't keep up with it. I'm just keeping a little tally in my head, and making sure that I avoid most carbs. And so far so good! :D

I'm settling back into the feeling of hunger, and it's exciting! Maybe this is it! Maybe I'm back in the game! September is usually a good time for me to start things :)

I haven't been working out like I've been wanting, but I'll get on that too hopefully...

The rest of my courses have come in finally! It's sort of a bitter-sweet feeling, actually. Sweet because I can actually start, and because I don't have to focus only on French :p ; But bitter because OMG I've got a lot of work ahead of me :/

Can I do it? I have to.

I don't want to be a waste of money, and I don't want to be a disappointment to my mother. Anddddd as I work through my courses, and work through each day, I'll be getting smaller and smaller. :)

Everyday, as long as I'm good, I'll get smaller.

So exciting!

I hope you're all well :)

Think thin.

♥,

Mint.

Planning is fun because it's theory.

OKAY,

So here's my plan (are you sick of my plans yet?):

It's basically the same as my other plans but different. 500 calories. I know it's in the binge zone, but it's a number that I feel good about.

But here's the catch, I'm allowed to eat more (extra fruit or bigger dinner than expected) as long as I work it off.

Weekends I'll allow 800 calories because I can't work out with my mom in the house because I wear my shorts and tshirt when I work out and she'd definitely notice lol

I'm also going to make a food log blog to make me motivated to have a good day.

I'll try to have only fruit for breakfast (oatmeal on weekends), sandwich for lunch and cooked or salad veggies for dinner.

I can snack on fruit and carrots or pickles, and drink lots of tea (I'm trying to drink tea now :) ).

Hopefully this works, hopefully I can follow it and get back into the swing of this.

Please please please let this be the golden ticket.

♥,
Mint.

Les démons fait le fantôme chanter.

Hey,

I realized that I haven't told you guys that I'm on day three of being vegan!

I've been trying on and off again for about a year to go vegan but it's always ended with chocolate binges.

BUT, I'm trying hard to eat enough healthy food to keep binges at bay, which results in two things:

1. Being vegan for more than a day.
2. Controlling binges so that I can regain my control over food.

It's also really helpful that Starshine is going vegan too, she always gives me inspiration.

Also, since around the end of December, this blog hasn't really been focussed on anything in particular. Mostly depression, and saying sorry for being absent, and saying sorry for binging.

I was thinking of making another blog where I post what I've eaten, just so that I'm more aware of everything. I'm not too sure though, I'll have to think about it. I'm eating way too much lately, I could see myself lying on there, or only posting good days to make myself feel better.

My frustration today is minimal which is a good thing. But I really need an outlet I'm thinking. I love all things arty but I'm so hard on myself, and eventually give up because I'm too hard to please.

The only thing I feel I'm remotely good at is writing. But then, where do I start? What do I write? I need a tutorial on how to be creative. Scratch that, I need a tutorial on just life in general, that'd be awesome, thanks.

I work today (4-8) so it should be a good food day... As long as I don't eat the potato salad, or the coleslaw, or the cookies.

Fuck I'm fat. It's okay though, because I won't eat them, and I won't care that I'm not eating them, I won't even think about them. More thoughts to avoid, awesomeeee.

♥,

Mint.

Sorry

Hiiii,

I just wanted to say sorry for yesterday, and thank you so much to Starshine and Kate for being there for me ^.^ your internet hugs are greatly appreciated.

I would never attempt suicide no matter how low I feel because I have a mom, and I'm her everything. I don't want her blood on my dead conscious. I understand that a big factor in life is living, but sometimes it's just so hard. I know that all of you understand where I'm coming from, probably more than I do.

Right at this moment (I say this moment because my opinion on everything changes quite completely and frequently), I feel like I'm searching for the key to unlocking the secret of life. The secret to positivity, or happiness.

Every quote I read, every painting I see, or song I hear, there's got to be more. I know there are layers to everything, but I can't make out what they are, everything's blurry. I'm floating on top of sea full of answers, I know it, but I just can't submerge myself into the meaning.

I think this is why French is frustrating me so much right now. Because it's exactly the same. You know how in a different language there are words which mean the same as our words, but not quite? The translations we create to understand are just that, translations, not the actual meaning. That's why quotes and books should stay in their native tongue, because as soon as you translate it, the depth of the meaning is lost.

Literature and music and paintings, it's all art, it all means something. And deep inside I can feel what it means. But my mind won't translate it. It's like when there's a word on the tip of your tongue, but you can't quite get it; so frustrating.

I know I'm rambling about nothing but if you've read this far into my words, please hear me out:

The title of Robert Frost's famous poem, "Nothing Gold Can Stay" I'm sure everyone knows this poem from the book, The Outsiders. I know what it means, I can feel the depth, but to try to explain it to myself to the depth that it deserves, I just can't!

Or this piece of music, or this one, or this one.

Or Coeur de Pirate's lyrics, "Et nos coeurs, nos coeurs, sont restés, dans cette mer."

Or this poem by Ezra Pound that we studied in poetry:

"The apparition of these faces in the crowd:

Petals, on a wet, black bough."

Or even Vincent van Gough's Starry Night, or his self-portrait (that needs to be seen in person to give it justice).

What are the words to describe the meaning of all this? OF LIFE? I want to be able to share with everyone what everything is, I want to speak this beauty in my own words.

Oh my god I'm just so frustrated right now. I'm lost in translation, that's what it is. Please, someone let me speak art, piano, literature, French.

I'm an artist, who can't pick up a brush.

Help me have an epiphany.

♥,

Mint.

PanicPanicPanic

I want to die so fucking much.

I'll never pass this French course.

I'm never going to be fluent in French.

Even if I was fluent, what use is it?

I'm never going to live on my own, thus I'm never going to go out and meet people.

I hate people anyway.

I'm never going to be kissed, or loved because who wants that?

I'm never going to be thin.

I'm never going to accomplish anything.

I'm never going to be happy.

There's no point to my life, other than wasting time, waiting to die.

Omg I hate everything so much.

I can't cope with anything.

I have to work again in two days. I'm so fat though. I'm always so god damn fat. It's embarrassing parading around in this body. I'm sorry that people have to look at me.

My shift is a full 8 hours and 1 hour for lunch.

I'll be behind yet another day in my courses.

Time keeps racing, I try to chase it but it's no use, I can't catch up now. I'm too far behind.

I give up.

Let me die, oh please, let me die.

I want death. The coldness of it. I want the air to be free of my lungs, the world to be free from me.

My mind is a waste. It's infested with hate, and evil.

I can't deal with it.

I'm so tired, but I've have seven espresso shots today.

I'm such a waste.

Someone please kill me.

Je vis tous les jours... malheureusement.

So I'm working on my French course when they give me this excerpt from Le Petit Prince to read:

   « Que fais-tu là ? » dit-il au buveur, qu’il trouva installé en silence devant une collection de bouteilles vides et une collection de bouteilles pleines.

   « Je bois, » répondit le buveur, « d’un air lugubre. »

   « Pourquoi bois-tu ? » lui demanda le petit prince.

   « Pour oublier. » répondit le buveur.

   « Pour oublier quoi ? » s’enquit le petit prince qui déjà le plaignait.

   « Pour oublier que j’ai honte. » avoua le buveur en baissant la tête.

   « Honte de quoi ? » s’informa le petit prince qui désirait le secourir.

   « Honte de boire ! » acheva le buveur qui s’enferma définitivement dans le silence.

I don't know why it touched me so, but I feel like it's a beautiful paragraph, with sadness that fills many of our hearts. When reading it I was thinking, how come I never tried to drink away the sun filled days, the thoughts that haunted me day in and day out? Was I too embarrassed? Was it too expensive? The calories?

Maybe because it's a loss of control... if I just sat at home and drank my problems would be obvious and people would find out and look down upon me.

That's probably it.

Anyway, I just wanted to post this because it made me feel something, and that's always good.

« Je bois, » répondit le buveur, « d’un air lugubre. »

♥,

Mint.

Some explaining is in order.

Hii,

Sorry for disappearing, again.

I've fallen into a routine of posting for two days straight, and then not posting for weeks.

Hopefully that changes soon, I can't promise anything, but it'd be nice wouldn't it?

Today's the fourth of September, and everyone's at school.

Where am I? At home. Did I drop out? Nope.

What am I doing?

I'm doing correspondents this year. I couldn't live eight hours away from home again. If I did I'd get mega-depressed again and accomplish nothing. So I figured being semi-depressed would be better.

But it's only day one and I'm already stressed out. My French course is completely in French and I can't understand any of it. Thank god for google translate.

I have to complete two French courses per semester for my degree, but because one is needed for the other, I have to cram one course in before starting the second.

And that's just for French. I haven't even gotten my psychology courses yet. So I'm already behind in everything.

Fuck.

AND, I'm working part time also because I decided to buy a car. Fuck, I'm stupid.

Obviously I'm still fat because if I wasn't, I would've bragged about losing weight on here. UGHHH I'm so sick of my pathetic self. Bring back the skinny girl who's got everything together, kay thanks.

It's 3:30 and I haven't even finished the review chapter yet. Fuck my life, this is going to be a bad year.

♥,

Mint.