Monday, August 29, 2011

Bellissimo.

Here's a little known fact about me, one that seriously puts me into a stereotype all of my own.

I love classical music.
Well, not 'classical' really, just songs where there are no words or I don't understand the words.
Those are the ones that have more meaning in my mind...

And it doesn't have to be 'old' music either. I love Joe Hisaishi, Coeur de Pirate, and songs from movies like Coraline.

Most of the songs are semi-sad I suppose but that's what makes them great. They make you feel. If everything were happy and poppy there'd be no depth in life, no layers; and that's what makes a good song! Being able to snuggle yourself down into the emotions of a song is so comforting...

ANYWAY, I was watching Seinfeld today and it was were they went to go see Pagliacci. It had a clown involved so I thought I'd check it out on youtube hahaha.
Turns out that it's most famous song "Vesti la Giubba" is one that I really like!
I haven't really explored opera that much in the past but I'm quickly becoming obsessed with how passionate it is.

All the emotion... it makes you feel! It makes you alive, and happy. It's inspiring and it engulfs you entirely, transporting you into a different world. One where food doesn't matter.

I've found a way to escape the love and obsession with eating. And I'm happy. :)

Please click the link for Vesti la Giubba! Hopefully it'll enlighten you like it did me! I only wish my Nono where here to sing it to me... ♥
And if you like it, I'll try to add a few of my favourite songs in links with each post!

ciao bellas!

amore, Mint.

Friday, August 26, 2011

Oh Wouuuuuldn't it be Loverly.

140.9 this morning.

Thank fucking God. Yesterday was ridiculously stupid all 'round.

Work was terrible. Grumpy people left, right and centre all deciding to come through my till. Why are they attracted to me? I don't know.

So after work I bought a box of peanut butter granola bars... 150 cal each. I ate 3.
THEN, I had to pick up my mom from work but she wasn't quite finished. So I ate a few saltines and her secretary gave me a danish to eat. I ate it, because I'm weak. 350 cal...
After thaaat, for some strange reason I ate half a protein bar. Why? I have no fucking idea, it was disgusting and didn't even taste like peanut butter. 125 cal.

So it's safe to say I ate about 1,000 cal in about 20 minutes max. -.-

Once I got home I burnt 600 cal again so I felt a bit better, and have been rewarded with, not pound gain, not pound "reoccurrence", but pound loss.

Thank fucking God. -0.4 pounds is good with me hahaha

Today has to be better.

Anyway, last night I was laying in bed and couldn't sleep when suddenly I thought about when my last period was. And I'm pretty sure it was in the beginning of June. Then I thought, Hey! Isn't that part of the criteria of being anorexic? So, I googled lol

  • Refusal to maintain body weight at or above a minimally normal weight for age and height: Weight loss leading to maintenance of body weight <85% of that expected or failure to make expected weight gain during period of growth, leading to body weight less than 85% of that expected.
  • Intense fear of gaining weight or becoming fat, even though under weight.
  • Disturbance in the way one's body weight or shape are experienced, undue influence of body weight or shape on self evaluation, or denial of the seriousness of the current low body weight.
  • Amenorrhea (at least three consecutive cycles) in postmenarchal girls and women. Amenorrhea is defined as periods occurring only following hormone (e.g., estrogen) administration
Click here if you want to explore the site!

So there we go! I'm still in the eating disorder world of limbo (EDNOS), but at least I've got something checked off my list. All that's stopping me now is about 25 pounds of disgusting fat, and then I'll be something. I'll have a beautiful label, and have everything my heart desires.

control, perfection, happiness, beauty, power, strength, thinness...

Just 25 fucking pounds.

Thin thin ladies!!

♥, Mint.

Thursday, August 25, 2011

Ghost.

i want to be a ghost.

to be at peace, and to be at rest.

i want to be pure, weightless.

for time to stand still, and never move a second more...


i want to disappear.

Tingles.

141.3 this morning!

That's -2.1 pounds! :D So I really am making progress!

Yesterday I didn't eat anything and now I feel light-headed and tingly. Is it weird that by making yourself feel weak, you're actually making yourself feel strong? So many contradictions in my life haha

Today I work 10-3 so I'll probably have to eat dinner (salad) depending on what time my mom gets home. And then tomorrow I work 5-9 again, so it'll be another mini fast for me!

tomorrow i'll be back in the 130's... i swear.

Yesterday at work there was sudden screaming in my head. "THIN! I NEED TO BE THINNNNN! GET THIS WEIGHT OFF OF ME!!!!" It was really weird, (I swear I'm crazy sometimes) but I'm glad it's not the other voice that screams for food.

Once I get home from work I'm going to vacuum and mop the upstairs and also do my 600 cal workout. Hopefully my ankle (100% raw, and blistered- it has a HUUUGE band-aid covering it all at the moment) doesn't hurt too bad while doing all of that...

Think thin! xoxo

♥, Mint.

Wednesday, August 24, 2011

Progress.

Even if it's 0.2 lost (I didn't weigh myself when I ate all that crap food), I'm counting it as progress lol

I'm 143.4 this morning.

Usually I lose about 2 pounds a day so I'll have to see where I am tomorrow to make sure I'm really making progress.

Yesterday I finally did something that made me feel good. Throughout the whole day I only had a salad (50 cal). And I burnt another 600 cal on the treadmill, andddd I had a before dinner walk with my mom around the block (our block starts by going downnnn hill, and then finishes by going uuuuuup hill).

I also got my hair cut! Just a trim, but it was much needed. My layers are fixed and my bangs are bangs again :p

Today I work 5-9 which means, no food for meeee! I'm excited, I love when I can go throughout the day without anything weighing me down. It makes me feel strong to be able to deny food.

i don't need food. i'm stronger than that.

OH! And I forgot to mention that the money my Nono left for me in his will also pays for that stupid course I have to do! So I get to keep my $400, anddd this week will probably give me almost $300, and my last three days of work (21 hours) will probably give me about the same which equals: about $1000 for the year!

Woo!
Happy day :)

Think thin girls! ♪

♥, Mint

Tuesday, August 23, 2011

Letter From Ana.

Dear Mint,

I have this feeling that you're losing faith in me. Like, you're starting to think that I don't mean the things I say. So I thought a letter was in order...

I know you're scared. You've always been scared of this world. Always kept one foot out of the water. Well right now I'm begging you to take a leap of fate. Because think about it, have I ever once in your life lied to you?

No, I haven't. Whenever you listen to me, I give you what you desire. You're the one who's screwing up. You're the one who's thinking that you don't need me. Well hunny, if you want to be the best. To have the power, and control you desire. You've got to stick with me.

I'm the one who calls your bones to come forward. The who who banishes the fat away. I've got the magic touch, and without it. You're a fat troll.

Right now we're not as close as we've been in the past. Ever since your dog died in June you've been a reck. I was there though, the whole time! Comforting you and advising you. But did you listen? No. You cast me aside and now look at you, I can't even see you under all that fat! But just remember this, I didn't leave, and I won't ever leave. Why? Because I love you, and want you to have all your dreams come true. I'm a real friend. Your only friend.

I know that you don't always think I'm there, and that when the hunger comes, he breaks you. But it's only because I'm doing my job at the time! With every growl of your stomach, that's me! Carving away the fat from within, one roll at a time. And when you listen to the Beast in your brain who screams "FEED ME FEED MEEEEE!!!" you're drowning me with carbs, sugar, and fat.

So please; help me, help you.
Take my hand, and never let go.

All I ask of you is to not eat.
Simple as that.
It saves you money, embarrassment, time.

And in return I'll give you everything you desire.

everything.

just, do. not. eat.

Make me proud ♪

♥, Ana.

Sunday, August 21, 2011

Control.

"Mint, you're a control freak."

Yeah sure mom, then why do I have none?

Today, work was okay. My pants weren't as tight as I thought. But the problem is, I work at a grocery store. :/
Once I came home I ate a plum (30) not so bad... right? WRONG.

After that I ate about 100 cals of watermelon.
And then some toast.
And then some more toast.
And then some crackers.

FML I'm so pathetic! >.<

BUT, I did one thing right today! I didn't sit and mope like a fat monster. No. I went downstairs to our gym and got on the treadmill! About 1 and a half hours later, I'm pooped (haven't legitly, worked out for about 2 months), and have burnt 600 cal. So hopefully the damage isn't so bad.

Tomorrow will be better I swear. I don't like having to admit my defeats on my blog. I want to become inspiration to others, not a let down!
Tomorrow will be better; want to know why? Because it's Monday. No mom. No one to make me feel guilty. No one to make me think of stressing thoughts.

tomorrow will be better.

Think thin ladies! xoxo

♥, Mint.

Fuck.

I fucking knew it...

I fucking knew it!!

143.6

FUCKING HELL.

I knew I wouldn't be in the 130's today... but I thought a prayer and a leg jiggle would get me there.

pathetic.

And NOW, I have to go to work and show off how disgusting I am to everyone who comes into the store. They'll get to see how greedy I am, how tight my pants are, how thick my arms are.

disgusting.

I am not eating today and that's final! If I can get out of eating tomorrow too I'll do that. I don't want another bite to pass these lips, not until I'm in the 130's again. AND I'm going to work out every day for at least half an hour. Once I start eating again I'll work out until I've burnt off everything I've eaten (good reason not to binge hey?), and then after thaaaat... I'll work out until I disappear...

fat.

Ugh. I hate myself! I hate how fat I am! I hate how greedy and selfish I am! I'm a monster, I don't even look like a human being. I'm just some kind of huge disgusting creature who eats villages and has no control.

worthless.

I don't want to be here. I don't want to be a creature in an uncontrolled world... I want magic, I want weightlessness, I want bones.

monster.

Bones are beautiful, and I won't stop until I find them. I want my body to be empty inside and out. I want to be tragically beautiful, I want to have strength, control, power...

selfish.

and she promises me all of that, and more...

"hunger hurts, but starving works"

♥, Mint.

Saturday, August 20, 2011

Nervous.

Today was the last day before I weigh myself! I'm so nervous...

My goal is to be back in the 130's by tomorrow. If I step on the scale and see 139.9, it's still in the 30's so I'll be happy, kinda disappointed... but happy! My real goal for tomorrow is 138, but I don't want to get my hopes up!!

I guess I should finally put my stats up hey? Well, here they are!

height- 5 f.t 8
  • h.w- 160 (I think. When I came back from France last year I was HUGE and waaaay to scared to step on the scale.)
  • l.w- 130. I've never been able to see the glorious 120's :( but that will change!
  • g.w1- 128 (Anne Hathaway is the same height as me and weighs that)
  • g.w2- 125
  • g.w3- 120 (my mom's lowest weight)
  • g.w4- 115 (BMI? 17.48)

I'll put all of that in the sidebar later!

Tonight is going to be terrible for sleep! I'm just so scared to be in the 140's still!!! >.< In bed I'll just be wiggling my feet like crazy trying to burn some extra calories!

Here's what I ate today by the way:

  • water with lemon
  • gala apple (55)
  • black plum (30)
  • green salad (50)
  • raspberries with some skim milk (55)

total: 185

I really wanted it to be closer to 150 but the 100's are good with me! :)

Tomorrow will always be better and brighter, think thin ladies! xoxo

♥, Mint.

***edit!! The raspberries and skim milk were for dessert but I ended up avoiding it! :D So that brings my total intake to: 130!! That makes me much happier! ♪

Friday, August 19, 2011

Lazy Day.

Today I had:

  • lemon and water
  • a gala apple (55)
  • 1/2 a cantaloupe (94)
  • a plum, and then later another plum (60)
  • some chard with soy sauce- steamed (50)
  • green salad with red wine vinegar (50)
  • and about a cup of raspberries (64)

total: 373

not bad :)

I know I've been losing weight but I really hope that I lose some more before I weigh myself on Sunday! That's when this whole thing will really start...

I've basically done nothing today so that all you get haha! Someone gave me their shift on Monday (only 4 hours but it still counts!) so I'm pretty happy about that.

Tomorrow I'm going to actually get up off my fat ass and do some house work for some extra moo-lah!

Nothing else to say really... I hope your day was lovely! :)

♥, Mint.

Thursday, August 18, 2011

Welcome Home!

My thoughts while eying a piece of chocolate this morning:

Fat: I want a piece of chocolate, it'd taste soooo good right now.

Me: No, because then I'd have to blog about it and everyone would know how weak I am...

Fat: No one's forcing you to document what you eat... No one would know...

Fairy: Your waistline would know. And everyone at uni would know, and they'd also know that you're stupid and useless because you have to take that extra course. But, when you're thin, you've got something over everyone else. Control. Isn't that worth more than a measly piece of chocolate?

and then i walked away... :) the fairy is slowly gaining control.

Hello!

So today I told my mom about how I needed to go into that stupid course because I'm so stupid.

She's making me pay for it myself which is understandable. It's okay though because I realized that I still have about 1 and a half weeks left of work before I move! Which gives me about $350 extra. AND, my high school still owes me some money for the art course I completed. So I should be good for the year since I have a food card and all I really need to buy is movie tickets, Christmas presents, coffee, and diet pills! ;)
She wasn't happy about me having to do the course but I think it'll be a good way to start uni since my high school is really crappy and most of our graduates drop out of uni because they weren't prepared.

I'm home now so that means 3 things!

  1. I got rid of all the cookies etc. because I left them at grannie's house
  2. I have cell phone service and constant wifi which means I can find the calorie content of anything quick and easy!
  3. WORK! Which means skipped means and easy exercise!

I don't work until the 21st though so I have to make sure I get downstairs to our mini gym and get on the treadmill and elliptical as much as possible! OH! Did I mention that on campus (at our super awesome gym) we have dance/yoga/zumba classes!? I'm sooo stoked for those! :)

Anyway, this is what I had to eat today:

  • small bowl of cantaloupe
  • medium bowl of watermelon
  • 3 liquorice ropes (160 cal)- darn being trapped in a car with mom making me feel guilty, YET AGAIN.
  • a few pickles/olives
  • some steamed chard
  • green salad with red wine vinegar

I know I shouldn't have had the liquorice, or the pickles/olives, or the chard... BUT I think all of those options were better in the long run than the almond filled, fatty, chocolate.
Tomorrow will be better, I promise :)

♥, Mint.

Wednesday, August 17, 2011

Sick.

The day was going well, I had a plum for breakfast and a peach for lunch.

But as soon as I finished the peach my mom and grannie came home from town and were so excited to show me what they had picked up from the bakery.

My mom knows I'm a foodie, she knows I love to try new things, and she knows I know the difference between really good food, and crap.

However, she doesn't seem to understand what goes on in my head. I swear I have, in total, 3 different minds in my brain.

There's the one that loves food, and doesn't care about calories or fat. This one allows me to enjoy the glory of food. However, sometimes this brain forces me to eat and eat until I feel in my stomach, what I feel in my heart... hurt.

There's the one that whispers devilish thoughts about how disgusting I look, or how big I am. This one promises to give me control and beauty for the trade of being empty and alone.

And lastly, there's the one that doesn't know who to listen to. The innocent one that just wants what's best for me, Mint.

It's sort of like the angel and the devil on my shoulder scenario but different too. Both are devils, both are angels. And sometimes I don't have a choice, sometimes they just take over.

The innocence wants to listen to the delicate fairy who will give me bones, but she's quiet and dainty. She only whispers, so It's hard to start listening to her again after listening to the big fat monster that yells at me most of the time like a big Italian mama. And when someone is yelling at you, you usually just do what they say to shut them up.

That's my problem.

It's also like fantasy and reality too. The fairy is magic and lives in a wonderful world of purity. Whereas the monster is reality and forces dirt and disgrace upon me.

My mom doesn't understand, I barely understand...

ANYWAY, long story short. She brought me a lovely cinnamon bun and a mini loaf of braided bread (about the size of a 6-inch sub). My mom thought I'd think the braided bread was cool and 'fun to rip apart' lol.

I love my mom but I wish she didn't make me feel so guilty for saying no... I shared the cinnamon bun with her, and had to eat the bread myself because she bought me my own loaf.

now i feel sick, now i feel guilty, now i feel FAT.

I'm not eating anything else today, and that's that.

It's raining, but I'm going for a walk anyway, maybe I'll feel refreshed after haha
Hope it's sunnier for you guys!

♥, Mint.

Tuesday, August 16, 2011

Good Day, Bad Day.

Today was good for the most part, so let's start with that, shall we?

I put into my tummy:

a glass of warm water with lemon, 1 plum, 3 pieces of watermelon, 3 more pieces of watermelon, a handful of blueberries, half a peach, 2 cookies (because my mom was making me feel bad for not eating with her), 1 tortilla (with veg, salsa, little cheese, and little yogurt), and a bit of green salad with red wine vinegar.

damn that seems like a lot of food now...

My day was also good because I got to ride my bicycle around :) and walk, a lot! Beautiful day for sure, sun galore!

But then, I realized that my final mark in my grade 12 English class was 69% (instead of 70% which is what I need to take English classes at my university...)
Let's just say I'm pissed. Haven't they heard about rounding?
I sent an e-mail to this guy at the university and he said I need to do this extra course so I'm at 'university level'.

IT COSTS 400 BUCKS.

I don't have 400 extra dollars; and seriously... because of ONE LITTLE PERCENT, I have to waste my time, and money on a course that I don't need, and get no credits for.

ridiculous.

I haven't even started university and I'm already behind... ugh.
AND, my mom doesn't know yet. ANDDDD I do not want her to know.

Stupid uni, I sent the guy an e-mail back asking if there's a test I could do to 'prove' that I'm better at english than what my record says.

We'll have to see. Ohhhh well, at least I won't be as fat as I am today, tomorrow.

♥, Mint.

Monday, August 15, 2011

New Plan.

I've changed my mind, I don't want that shit in my body, even if my fat stomach tells my stupid brain it wants it, I have to remember that the smart brain, does not.

My new plan is that I'll only eat fruits and veggies during the day, and have 1-2 tortillas for supper (just like the original plan).

I don't care if we bought the food so I could eat it, I don't want it! >.< I just want to lose this weightttttt! I don't like the feeling of my knees touching, my thighs toughing, my stomach bulging, and the fat on my hips hanging over.

disgusting.

Tomorrow I'll wake up thinner than I was today... good night! :)

♥, Mint.

Vacation.

I've just arrived at my Grannie's house that's in the middle of no where and in a little town with nothing to do.

Originally I thought my mom and I would be staying for the whole week but we're only staying for the 3 days (leaving Thursday morning), which makes it more relaxing compared to boring hahaha

We've brought a lot of bad food with us... -.-

We have:

  • cookies
  • chips
  • tortillas
  • noodle bowls
  • granola bars
  • tortilla chips and salsa
  • animal crackers ♥♥

So this is my plan for our three days!

breakfast: fruit (we have plums, cantaloupe, watermelon, peaches, and apricots)
lunch: day one= noodle bowl, day two= fruit and veg, day three= fruit and veg
dinner: tonight= salad, day one/two= 2 tortillas MAX, with very light cheese and yogurt
snacks: day one= granola bar, day two= a few animal crackers

It is a LOT of food but I have to remember that compared to what I've been eating lately it's less, and less is good... for now.
ALSO, another good thing about this is that when my mom and I leave my Grannie's house I can 'accidentally' forget to bring the junk home with me :)

If I follow this plan and do my detox (pills in the afternoon and before bed, lemon juice and warm water first thing in the morning) then I will have definitely lost some weight by the time I get home and STILL have time to make the most of my lil detox kit.

Once I get home I'll get mom to buy me some normal diet pills and I'll be good to go for the first month of uni! Ahh! So scary but exciting!

How I love detox weeks... :)

♥, Mint.

Sunday, August 14, 2011

Start.

Once upon a time there was a girl, one who yearned for something greater. To be something greater. She'd read and re-read Alice in Wonderland praying that one day she'd find her way there.

Well, this is her rabbit hole, and she's going down...

Starting today:

  • no sweets
  • no binges
  • no more giving up
  • no more saying "one won't hurt"

It takes pain to become beautiful, and right now I'm just a big fat caterpillar who's about to wrap herself into a soft silk cocoon. I can't believe how much I've let myself go, I can't wear any of my clothes, nothing hides the fat...
At the moment I'm too nervous to see the number.
After a week of detox I'll post it.

For now, hello! And welcome to Wonderland.

♥, Mint.