Should I stay or should I go now?

If I stay there will be trouble; if I go there will be double.

In the past two years of dating BB I've never debated leaving as much as I have been over these past two weeks.

There has always been reasons to go and reasons to stay, but the reasons that have been filling my head lately seem very logical and reasons that will not go away...

We fight constantly; I never get to see him, he never wants to see me.

He wants me to be a house wife. Someone who will look after him and his needs. Someone who will always be there waiting for him to be graced with his presence.

That is someone I've never ever wanted to even be like. I am a romantic yes, however I'm not in the 1950s. I'm someone who longs for an ever-lasting love, a love of equality.

Sure, I'd do the whole kid thing for him but only if we'd both do the raising and caring and providing.

Other than that, I think I'll never be able to fully trust him. I'm always worrying that he's cheating on me. I'm always worrying that he doesn't truly love me. I'm always worrying that I'm being used.

The worst thing in the world would be to have a family with him and then years past my prime he cheats on me with a younger girl and leaves me with three kids I don't want.

I don't want that. I don't want to risk that. I don't want a life where we're always fighting and I'm always worrying and always mad at the possibility of him flirting with other girls behind my back.

'Cause you know what? He still fucking talks to Shelby. This girl who lives in the city we live in and has been bothering my relationship since August 2014.

It began with me finding out that they sent selfies to one another, and that he would always lie about where our relationship was to her, that he would talk to her whenever we were in a fight, that they "missed" each other, that she wanted him to visit her, that she didn't like seeing pictures of me with him...

He always says there's nothing there and that he would never cheat. He always says she has a boyfriend, but isn't that  how cheating works?

I even texted her once saying she could have him because I was sick of her ruining my relationship every time it was going good. She replied calling me a jealous bitch, saying she already had a boyfriend, and that she would do whatever the fuck she wanted.

Now, I've been in the situation before where I've been really good friends with a guy who's girlfriend gets jealous and defensive. Which is totally understandable. Whenever this has happened to me, and I don't want to lose my friend, I make an effort to talk to the girl. I make an effort to explain that I don't want to step on toes, I don't want to steal her man, and I tell her how important the friendship is to me and why. I'm always very respectful and it always ends up going well.

NOW, IF YOU WERE SHELBY, WANTING TO CONTINUE TALKING TO BB AS A FRIEND WOULDN'T YOU THINK SHE'D TRY TO MAKE ME FUCKING LIKE HER?

What's worse is I found out that he was talking to her the night I was trying to kill myself. I was in a bathtub filled with my own blood and my boyfriend was saying "Heeeeeeeey" to a girl who was asking him to come visit her at work.

He also always deletes their conversations so I can never know all of the conversations they've had...
SHE'S EVEN PHONED HIM BEFORE.

So, this is bothering me like really bad. It gets worse and worse and worse and I think I might just leave him because of that. I've asked him to stop talking to her many times. I even sneakily blocked her number on his phone before, but nothing works, they still talk behind my back.

Like, if this girl is soooo important that he'd risk his relationship just to talk to her, then fuck, talk to her all you want because I'm done.

The problem is I'm waiting to get my damage deposit back after our lease is up at the end of June, and I'm waiting to sell this shitty car I used when my actual car was damaged.

After those things are taken care of, I can leave and go back to Kelowna. This city is too ghetto for me anyway.

Obviously this is a big decision. Obviously I've been thinking about it for a while now. Well two weeks ago I guess hahaha ohhhh suicide attempts, always getting you thinkin'...

I'd like to see this all work out. I'd like for my relationship to keep going. I would, I really would.

I'm going to have a talk to him about this tomorrow actually, and tell him that I'm deciding by the end of the month, just so it doesn't seem so sudden. I'm scared to talk to him though for obvious reasons. I mean no one would like to have that talk. I just know he's going to be mad about it, but it's bothering me too much.

I mean, I almost left last weekend. My clothes are still all packed...

Ugh, it's scary too; being alone again.

BB is the only guy I've ever been attracted to ever. The only one I ever thought I'd be with.

Thinking about kissing anyone else, having sex? It grosses me out, I don't like it.

Thinking about BB kissing someone else, having sex? Bringing them to meet his friends? To meet his family? I think about it so much. The girl that I could never be...

I imagine her shorter and skinnier with thick, curly, chocolate brown hair. She's Italian like me but her family is actually a family and BB loves it. She's so much fun and makes him smile, makes him laugh. She makes him the person he wants to be. The person I tried so hard to help him become...

She goes camping with him and they get into all sorts of trouble and his friends think she's the best thing since sliced bread. She even brings them all food when she's invited to hang out. She's amazing and her mind is healthy and I hate her and she makes me cry because I'm not her.

I don't wanna go... but I don't know if I can stay.

I'm really sad and anxious and don't know what to do.

- Mint.

You're my downfall, you're my muse. My worst distraction, my rhythm and blues.

I really messed up. I tried to kill myself a couple days ago and I really hurt BB with my actions.

I don't know what triggered it. BB works nights and I work days. This particular day he worked overtime and was due home at about 9 in the morning. But he owed his coke friend some money so decided to stop there first.

But he was gone for so long, I was getting worried he wouldn't bring the car home in time for me to work.

Also, the day before I sold my beloved broken civic and bought this escape that BB has always wanted. It was supposed to be "our" car. Like a family thing and we could go camping and have sex in the back and there's a sunroof. It was exciting kinda and I was just happy that I could get him something he's always wanted.

Anyway... he said he's going to be home soon and he isn't. He keeps saying he'll leave soon, but he doesn't.

Suddenly I get an email transfer for 30 bucks and I start freaking out. I phoned him and asked if the 30 was for a cab and he said yeah and I flipped.

Something about how he didn't love me, how he didn't respect me, how he got the car he wanted and then was gonna leave me, how he was probably hanging out with girls as we spoke.

I don't know. I freaked out and refused to cab. I told him that he needs to return what he took from me (the car). And he said no, and that I should cab to work or to the car.

That wasn't an option in my head apparently. So I texted my boss saying I couldn't come in. She said if I didn't come in I was fired because I didn't go in on Monday because I overdosed on my medication due to alcohol and was too fucked up.

So after that I blocked her number, blocked the store's number, and told BB that I was going to end it.

I grabbed the left over bottle of vodka (1/3), grabbed a bunch of scissors and my pencil sharpened razor and locked myself in the bathroom.

I waited for a bit to see how BB would reply but he didn't. So I went to work on myself.

After awhile I decided to run a bath because I heard that it makes the blood flow quicker/your veins surface due to the heat.

I don't like thinking about what happened after. It happens in flashes.

The water slowly getting darker and darker.

Me getting drunker and drunker, angrier and angrier with every breathe...

I texted BB angry notes about how he never loved me. I wrote suicide notes confessing my love to him.

My phone dropped in the water at some point. Still works.

I was getting angry that I wasn't dead yet and worried that I wouldn't die. So I started cutting everywhere. Harder and more frequent.

The bath water was like a dark chocolate brown with a red hue in it.

At this point I remember laughing about stuff and crying about stuff and talking in a really weird voice. I don't remember what was said but I don't think I'd want to remember anyway...

I remember texting gibberish to BB thinking that he'd "just know" what I meant. But then I remember getting mad at myself because Iwas acting more fucked up than I was; which isn't true at all.

I got bored of the tub (I had drained and refilled it 3 times) so I ran and got BB's sleeping pills and figured I'd just drown in my own blood. When I was up I made sure to lock all the doors/windows and put the chain lock on the main door so BB wouldn't be the one to find me first.

There were only 4 left in the packet and I could only open 3 of them but fuck, it worked fast.

Suddenly, I decide dying in my own blood is stupid. I decided that I'd cab to the car and drive it over a cliff.

I text BB asking where the car was but that's when I was almost gone. I got up to get dressed but passed out in bed, bleeding all over my white towel.

This, btw all happened between 1-4 in the afternoon. But I remember it so clearly being in the middle of the night.

I woke to BB opening the front door and somehow removing the chain lock so he can come in. He turn on the lights and throws the blankets off of my and grabs my arm, then sees my other arm, then looks at my leg, and my other leg. I don't know what he's saying but he's mad at me and he's yelling at me. He goes to the bathroom and sees my notes and a bathtub full of blood and yells more.

I finally clue in when he says he's phoning my mom to come pick me up because I need help. She doesn't answer so he tells me to get dressed because we're going to the hospital.

I remember protesting and saying I'm fine and idk.

It's a long night of him yelling and threatening to hurt himself because of what I did (he's obviously drunk and high).

After a long few hours we end up putting all the sharp things in our room and sleeping in the living room because we don't trust each other. He sleeps on the floor and I sleep on the couch.

So in the morning he makes me phone my mom to talk about it and she says I should be committed for a bit because I need serious help apparently. I tell her no, I was just being dramatic.

Since then, BB won't look at me or talk to me really. He says I'm not the girl he fell in love with. That I'm embarrassing. That I hurt him really bad.

He did give me a piece of pizza yesterday though. And he does text me still to let me know that he got to work safely. And asks if I need anything when he goes out.

He's super angry though...  says he's thinking about what to do but I really think he deserves someone better.

I always mess up and hurt him so much. I always tell him I won't do it again, but guess what? I do it again.

I'm so hurt and miss him so much. I just want a hug... but I know he's afraid I'll break.

I weigh 130.4 now though so that's cool.