Tuesday, October 30, 2012

I did not eat the bread.

So this morning, I weighed myself.

I'm not saying the number because it's too high, but I am pleased to say that it's not near my highest :)

My head messes with me so much, it's good to have my scale back to avoid insanity.

I woke up to about two feet of snow and spent two hours shoveling the driveway. I've never had any upper body strength so it was brutal. But worth it, because I worked out without having to force myself.

Also, even though today was supposed to be a "negative-calorie food only day", I changed it to a soup day because there's literally no vegetables in the fridge/anywhere (my mom and I are going grocery shopping on Thursday so I'll get everything I need then).

Today, for the most part, was good. I worked out, I ate soup, I didn't cheat...

BUT, it sucked for many reasons:
  1. I'm fat.
  2. Shoveling the drive took all the energy out of me and I accomplished nothing else (another day behind in school).
  3. It feels like I've been fasting for a month when I actually had soup, anddddd it's been like only a day. I just recently fasted for about two weeks straight without ever feeling hungry. What the actual fuck?
  4. I was so pissed by the end of the day, I wanted to cut so bad. I wanted to hack my arm to shreds. But everyone was around... I almost did it without thinking while I cut the loaf of bread I made for everyone, but then there'd be blood on the knife... then blood on the bread... the bread... it smelt so good...
Fuck me. I'm weak.

Weak fat fuck.

Tomorrow is my zero-calorie fast for the week. Hopefully I feel happier by the end of it. Hopefully I lose some of this weight.

5 pound intervals, that's all, simple.

- Mint.

Tomorrow's the day...

I'm sick of it. Totally and disgustingly sick of it.

Tomorrow I'm weighing myself. I need to set weekly goals; and to make that happen I need to know "the number".

I'm so scared... Especially because I binged on bread again tonight.

Whatever the number, I'll be okay with it. Because no matter what, it's going to go down, not up.

I know that I'll be too embarrassed to say what my weight is on here, so I guess I'll just stick with my old ana-notebook and let you guys know how I'm doing with my goals until I'm at a more acceptable weight.

My main goal for now is to lose at least five pounds a week (I'm really fat right now...) by eating at most, 200 calories a day (allowing binges to only consist of 300 calories extra, so a total binge day would be 500 calories max). Here's how I'm going to do it:


  • Sunday (raise my metabolism day): drink coffee/water/green tea. An apple with cinnamon for both lunch and dinner. A pickled jalapeño for lunch.
  • Monday: drink coffee/diet pop/tea/water. At most, two bowls of vegetable soup.
  • Tuesday (negative calorie day): drink herbal tea/green tea/water/diet pop. Eat for lunch and supper a mix of any of the following: lettuce, onion, pickles, cucumber, red wine vinegar, mustard, herbs.
  • Wednesday (zero calorie fast): drink water/herbal tea/green tea/diet pop.
  • Thursdaydrink coffee/diet pop/tea/water. A bowl of oatmeal for breakfast, steamed veggies or salad for dinner.
  • Fridaydrink coffee/diet pop/tea/water. At most, two bowls of vegetable soup.
  • Saturdaydrink coffee/diet pop/tea/water. At most, two bowls of vegetable soup.

I want to work out everyday too, but that'll all depend on how strong I'm feeling.

Hopefully this works! I'm already two days behind for this week so I need to lose five pounds in four sleeps! I've got this, I've got this, I've got this...

Think thin!

♥,

Mint.

Sunday, October 28, 2012

thyme. (2.0!)




Hey there~!

I want to make my blog more interesting so I'm just going to try to be more involved in my own blog, in other peoples' blogs, andddddd yeah. That's it I guess (let's see how long this lasts).

To start things off, above is a frame from one of my favourite movies, Breakfast at Tiffany's, staring my favourite actress, idol, thinsporation, person, Audrey Hepburn. Click the image to go to my tumblr post explaining why I like her/the character/the movie so much.

Today was meh, but at the same time, it was alright.

Food wasn't the best (I ate, again), exercise wasn't the best (had to take a break halfway through, again), and my productivity level for school sucked too.

BUT, it was good because I just sat by the fire all day with my ipad, following new blogs on tumblr, and rediscovering the fashion world, while drinking coffee and water (after being bad and eating this morning). I feel different, and happy (even excited) about this upcoming week, and these upcoming months.

I've decided that I'm going to do so good. And by Christmas I'll be so thin. And everyone will be so jealous.

I will achieve my goals. 2012 will not be a failure.

Today I was also thinking about my childhood. I don't remember most of it because I don't want to, but the bad memories still stick out, the best memories can be found if I look hard enough, and random memories pop up every so often.

Today I remembered that my first diet was the cabbage soup diet when I was four or five. I didn't like the soup, so I just had fruit. My mom and dad were doing it and I wanted to be involved. I liked it because it was fun knowing exactly what I would eat/when I would eat/and how much I would eat, ahead of schedule. I also liked it because it would mean my "fat legs" would be thin like everyone else's (I've never been actually "overweight" before in my life).

The first time that I remember actually working out because I was "fat" was when I was six or seven. I remember putting my hair in a pony tail, putting on an outfit that I decided was only for working out, and going downstairs to our treadmill. I decided that I'd work out for an hour a day, and because I was walking, my legs would be thin like everyone else's.

I've always been controlling with food apparently, because I remember sitting for hours at the dinner table alone, not being able to leave until I finished eating the meal I refused to touch. I'd sit there until it seemed safe enough to leave, then I'd go to bed. Or sometimes I'd gross myself out so much by the food that I'd throw up what I did eat, onto the food that I hadn't eaten. I was always so happy when I threw up (why can't I purge?). 

I remember skipping breakfast almost all of my life because it'd make me feel sick, and because my mom doesn't eat breakfast. I remember not eating anything for lunch except a granola bar because other lunch foods were gross, and because mom barely ate lunch.

I remember that when I did eat the granola bar I'd feel so fat. I'd look so fat. So, for the rest of the day I'd suck my stomach in as tightly as I could, trying to undo my mistake.

I even remember that for awhile there when I was probably 8, I'd do 100 sit-ups and 100 push-ups on my bed before falling asleep.

And lastly, I remember always comparing bodies in gym class. Mostly legs because mine were/are/will always be fat. We'd all sit in a circle and I'd go around, looking at how thin everyone's legs looked in their shorts (I always hid my fat tree trunks under sweats). I'd even look at the bigger girls in class and decide that they were/are/will always be thinner than me. Everyone was perfect, everyone was normal, everyone was thin, except me.

So if I've been fucked up since I can remember, why the fuck haven't I ever been under weight? Why the fuck do I keep messing up? Why the fuck do I get so close to a goal and then take it away? Whyyyy?

I'm so frustrating...

Lovely: Thanks so much for relating to me with basically everything I said in my last post! Sometimes I feel crazy and as if everything I think I know is completely fucked up (my suicide idea) or not true at all (me thinking that psychology articles don't paint an accurate picture. I always think, maybe I feel like I can't relate to this article because I actually don't. You know?). So yeah, thanks! And have fun in London! ^.^

My Starshine: We sooo have the same brains! I'm slowly taking the goodies she gave me and am throwing them in the bin. I'm not tempted at all because being vegan is different than just restricting! So yay brain for sticking to my morals! And when I explained my suicide idea, I meant that I would die from hypothermia (I'm from Canada, remember!? :p ), not by over-dosing on sleeping pills. The sleeping pills were just to allow my mind to escape this world before my soul.
I la-la-love you! And thank you for always being there for me. ♥

Think thin!

♥,

Mint.

Saturday, October 27, 2012

Why do I insist on sabotaging myself?

Since the last post I've been good, bad; happy and sad.

I've binged more than fasted, but I looked into the mirror today and saw that there's more space between my thighs than before (not a thigh gap, but the makings of one) which is good. I felt so relieved. I guess exercise really does keep weight off.

Also, when I was returning my uniform to the front desk at the grocery store I got a job offer to be the cake decorator in the bakery! So that was really good. And I'm still excited about it.

My mom came back home on Thursday and she brought me a lot of treats and goodies, including French pastries. I couldn't eat any of them because I'm vegan, obviously. BUT, because my mom doesn't know I'm vegan I had to be a bitch and say I didn't want them.

I wish she'd just let me be a vegan. Christmas is going to be so hard...

I cut yesterday because I was feeling pathetic, and like a disappointment, and because I'm fat and have no control. I cut deeper than usual without even meaning to... I know it's bad but it doesn't feel bad. The deeper I go, the calmer I feel.

Today I fasted most of the day and then binged near the end of it. Not as badly as the other few days though so that's good... I guess. I cleaned the house today also, and tried to work out... only got halfway done, but I'll finish it in a little while.

The last couple of days I've been thinking about suicide. As a whole, not me committing suicide. Just suicide in general.

I read articles on suicide prevention, different kinds of suicide, which are preferred methods, the after effects of failed suicide, and things like that. After researching I have only two thoughts:


  1. I hate reading articles that are from the point of view of a scientist or just someone who's read the definition of suicide. They don't know what it's like. They just explain what it is: "Suicide (Latin suicidium, from sui caedere, "to kill oneself") is the act of intentionally causing one's own death. Suicide is often committed out of despair, the cause of which can be attributed to a mental disorder such as depressionbipolar disorderschizophreniaalcoholism, or drug abuse.[1] Stress factors such as financial difficulties or troubles with interpersonal relationships often play a significant role." (wikipedia obviously). I don't know. Whenever I read things about self-harm, or eating disorders, or things that I relate to, I feel like the author is missing the point. They're not digging deep enough, they don't understand what's going on in our minds, they don't know what it's like to feel such power, powerlessness, anger, hatred, sadness, numbness, emptiness... They don't know what it's like, and I don't think they should write about it if they have no clue what they're talking about.
  2. I've also decided how I'll commit suicide if I ever go down that path. THIS is a link to a post on tumblr, explaining it in a nicer form of writing, but in short, I'll take some sleeping pills and go outside on a cold winter's night. In the tumblr post I wrote that this way would be "less passionate". I feel that if I were to commit suicide because of anger, or frustration, I still have life in me. I only want to die when I'm completely empty, completely numb. I want to slip away from life, not take it.

Anyway, that's basically what's been happening. Tomorrow will be better, it has to.

Think thin!

♥,

Mint.

Monday, October 22, 2012

Binged.

I binged last night on all the wrong things. I wasn't hungry, I didn't want it, but I ate it all anyways. I still felt nothing.

Yes, I did feel sick to my stomach; yes, I felt dehydrated as fuck; but no, I didn't feel guilty, angry, happy, disappointed...

because I'm not here.

I wanted to workout right after to try to erase my mistake but I was so full I could hardly move. So today, I've been fasting like a good little girl should, and working out even though my knee is killing me.

So far I've only burnt 300 calories but I'll burn a bunch more tonight, don't you worry.

And, I've started taking my diet pills again. I'm always off and on with them because my heart gets jittery and I get scared, but then after awhile I start again, hoping things will be different.

Today's much better than yesterday, I must admit. Hope everyone else is doing well today too! ♪

♥,

Mint.

Saturday, October 20, 2012

I'm just tired all the time.

Yesterday I slept most of the day, so fasting was easy.

Today I ate the last half of a sweet potato that's been in the fridge for awhile.

Tomorrow I will fast again.

I'm going to fast until I've finished all my soup (about 3 days) and then roast the spaghetti squash my mom got me, and eat that for a few days. Then make another batch of soup and continue shrinking.

I haven't been able to work out for the last few days because I've messed up my knee and it hurts like a bitch.

My last day of work is Tuesday,
(I legit quit this time because I found out that everyone else got hired at a higher pay than me even though they all suck and are super slow and disrespectful to our boss. I asked for a raise, and nothing. I gave my two weeks notice saying that if I received my raise, then I'd withdraw my notice, and guess what? Nothing.)
so that means that I need to start looking for a job again T_T

I didn't do any school today because I still feel as if I'm not really here.

Also I realized that I officially don't have any friends. And I'm okay with that.

I've realized that I just can't connect to people. I don't understand their pain, their joy, their anger. Whenever I'm forced out of my house, I always paste my fake smile on. But lately, I just don't care anymore. Lately, I can find the point in lying.

Anyway, I hope I'm losing weight... it doesn't feel like I'm losing anything anymore. I just feel fat.

Hopefully it gets better.

Think thin!

♥,

Mint.

Thursday, October 18, 2012

Walking in a fog.

So I have no idea where the last couple of days have gone.

Actually, now that I think about it, I don't really know when happened to the last week...

I know I've been working out, I know I've been living off liquids, and I know that I've been doing well in school. But, I have no idea what's been going on in my head.

It's quiet up there.

Today I got really dizzy while sitting down. Little black dots everywhere.

So I ate.

I had a lot of saltines, but I'm still exhausted, and now just super full. I still stuck to my under 500 calorie limit though, so that's good.

I'm trying to listen to my body to avoid real binges (hence the crackers- carb craving).

Also, I'm trying not to pay attention to the days so that I don't make myself believe that I deserve a break.

I'm doing well so far, I think.

My mom keeps bugging me about all the food I'm apparently eating. But I'm not eating it, she must secretly think that I'm a greedy pig.

Anyway, Nina,

I'm going to weigh myself when I can easily fit into my old pants again. They fit right now, but not perfectly. I decided to weigh myself then because I will know that I'm just regular fat, not obese fat. You know? Also, when I weigh myself, I become dangerously addicted to it (weigh myself like every half hour when I'm home) so I want to be more okay with the number not going down when I decide to weigh myself frequently throughout the day again.
And YES I'm dizzy so often! A glass of orange juice here and there is helpful for me though! Plusss I read on tumblr that when you start feeling dizzy from fasting, you're burning fat. So I'm super okay with it.
Lately, I've been at about 300 calories a day (probably less). I've been having mostly tea (peppermint) and then a bowl of soup for dinner, maybe a glass of juice if it's there. So maybe more like 200? I don't know. 300 is probably safer to say lol plus it keeps me more humble. How are you??

I'm going to go to sleep now... absolutely no food allowed tomorrow.

Think thin!

♥,

Mint.

Tuesday, October 16, 2012

Run, run, run, away, from the pain.

Sorry,

I feel selfish for writing that last post. I'm so selfish and greedy... sorry.

I've actually been doing really well with food and exercise lately. I'm learning how to run with this chart I found on tumblr and it's just enough exercise that doesn't burn me out too bad, and I don't even need to eat to be able to do it (usually when I start fasting and extreme restricting I'm too tired to do anything).

For food I've been living off of liquids mostly. Tea, juice slushies which are like 100 calories at most (probably less, I don't add much juice, mostly ice), water of course, and soups if I'm home at dinner time.

Sometimes if I'm craving actual food I steam some veggies, or make a salad.

That being said, my weight is dropping fast. I haven't weighed myself because I'm still too scared, but my work clothes are swimming on me and coworkers are noticing. It's odd because no one has ever commented on my weight really. Just my mom, but that's it.

Last night I had a dream that my mom saw my legs, and then I woke up. It was terrifying to say the least.

It's funny because I say that I want people to realize what I'm doing to myself and that I want them to reach out to me, but I know that if someone did, I would be devastated, embarrassed, and I would definitely push them away.

Starshine, I'm almost done the little package I'm sending you! Sorry it has taken me so long!

I don't have much more to say really, I'm getting my schoolwork done, I'm gap is coming back, my stomach is shrinking, and my bones are reaching the light I little more each day.

it's lovely.

I hope everyone is doing well and reaching their goals~! ♪

Think thin!

♥,

Mint.

Monday, October 15, 2012

Je ne vais jamais manger.

Thanksgiving was good for the most part.

First three days I was good, last two I ate a lot of liquorice.

What made me start eating, you may ask? That Saturday, my brother was missing for at least twenty-four hours.

Stress like that makes me eat, which results in me feeling guilty, and selfish, and worthless, which results in cuts.

He's twenty-four and goes on "walkabouts"quite often. But not usually on the day before work.

He finally contacted his fiancé in the middle of the night, and he was messed up on drugs and alcohol again. He drove an hour to get home (not sober) and passed out.

He woke about an hour later, feeling really agitated. He apparently was saying he was going to kill himself and was reaching for the knives. She was stopping him which made him mad, so he said he was going to leave, and then kill himself. So she stood in front of the door, he pushed her aside and left.

His fiancé of course was texting my mom and dad throughout this, and told my mom she wanted her to call the police.

A bunch of racing around happened and he eventually got caught by the police, trying to break back into his own home.

He was put into the drunk tank until he sobered and then came out single, with a restraining order, homeless, and a court date in November.

I had never seen my brother cry before, it was heart-breaking.

But now, a little over a week later, he's fine. Going out with his friends, leaving his gigantic dog at our house with no food, while he leaves his dishes everywhere, clothes everywhere, and eats everything.

He doesn't feel bad anymore. He was never going to commit suicide (he's said many times before that he's 'going to commit suicide', but trust me, he's not that kind of person and he's never ever hurt himself). He drinks and does drugs because he's bored, and likes to party. And he's just abusing my mom and I by walking all over us pretty much.

When he was eighteen he forged my mom's cheques, took all of our money (we were literally in the hole), and he just spent it all summer partying.

This week, we had to pay his rent on the trailer he shared with his fiancé (because he spent all of his money and his fiancé didn't know that the cheque would bounce) and now we're in the hole again. And he left his dog without food for two days because he spent his money on smokes and gas (my mom and I broke down and bought the dog food last night).

My dad is focussed on getting my brother a good lawyer because he thinks that my brother didn't do anything wrong, even though he hit the girl, and tricked his own mother and the police when he told them where he was.

My mom is focussed on getting my brother a psychiatrist. She says he has a criminal mind, and needs help.

He's sick, he needs help.

His mind is corrupt, and it's a shame. We need to help him. We need to help the boy who doesn't care about anyone.

We need to help him.

If we help him, he'll accept us. He'll love us.

"He needs help", she says.

But the girl who no longer eats does not require anything. The girl who has morphed into a disappearing tiger does not need a hug. The girl who's afraid to eat a tomato and a bowl of soup is fine.

The girl who sits listening to the voices in her head is doing good. She's fine. She sees no future, no hope, she sees darkness and pointless, but she's just poetic, you know?

She's good to have around because if you're feeling bad, she'll try to make you feel better. She's good to have around because you can yell at her for doing nothing right. She's good to have because when everyone leaves you, you can leave her and say, "Ha."

She's good, she's fine, she's awesome.

I feel like I'm ten again. Dad and my brother fighting in the hallway when I'm trying to sleep. Or mom and my brother running around the kitchen, her trying to catch him, fire in her eyes; laughter in his. Or my brother pulling me into my parents' bedroom to hide because she was furious at him again and he knew that if he hid me, she'd be even madder.

I just sit here. Trying to not think about the present, trying to escape reality. Trying not to make a sound, trying not to be a bother, but being there if anyone needs me.

I'm fine, thanks. I'm just not hungry.

Food makes me feel guilty.

- Mint.

Thursday, October 4, 2012

Great Start.

Hey~!

I had 3 half-rotton apples left so I decided to make an apple loaf because we have family coming over tonight.

I caved and ate 3 pieces and then had a smoothie after working out (about 800 calories total).

What a great start.

I was supposed to fast today, and now I can't fast until Tuesday when everyone leaves. So pissed.

I ended up working out again to try to erase my mistake, so I burnt a total of about 600 calories.

Which means I have room to eat a light meal with the fam jam if I'm following my 500 calorie rule.

I'll try to have just a salad with balsamic and a lot of lettuce. That's a good plan.

OH! And I forgot about yesterday, it was good actually, I had about 350 calories :) good, good.

Think thin!

♥,

Mint.

Wednesday, October 3, 2012

Squash is amazing.

Sooo, I discovered spaghetti squash yesterday!

30 calories per cup of spaghetti squash, which is basically noodles in disguise. It's amazing. And odd, and I love it.

I think that reading Perks just made me super emotional. It felt like everything was crumbling. Charlie did nothing wrong, yet he still got shit on. He tried to look past everything but it caught up with him anyway. People left, and memories returned.

If someone as amazing as Charlie can have all this shit happen to him, what's the hope for the rest of us?

I suppose that's a very negative way of thinking, but it's true. The world is a terrible place, and we can't do anything to fix it except by accepting it, and trying to see the sunshine.

So, since I'm a student in psychology and want to help people like Charlie, myself, and of course people in this community, I thought about what I would try to do to help.

But then I realized that getting people with mental problems (eating disorders, depression, anxiety disorders etc.) to simply think of their world in a more positive way, isn't the way to go. We are the ones who are trapped in a box of shadows and demons, and by just looking at the ground, trying to avoid eye contact with them, isn't going to help at all.

What we all need to do, is escape. We need to change our entire lives to achieve any happiness.

Just thinking about it is scary, and it feels pointless, and stupid, and hard to do; I also know that the demons will always being chasing. But at the same time, I know that it should be done and that we shouldn't let them win the battle.

And here's the question I came up with to start everyone's journey, "What will make you happy?"

Maybe becoming a baker, or moving to France, or even just buying a dog, or mending things with your mother. Whatever it is, why don't you just do it? Anything's possible, and it's only ourselves who make it impossible.

I don't know if I'm ready to escape yet, but I think I'm going to think about it a bit more.

And if anyone out there is ready, and needs some support, you know my e-mail (tic.tok.thyme@hotmail.com)! Or, if you just need someone to talk to about anything, I'll be there for you too!

So let me know, "what will make you happy?" and why not just go for it?

Love you all ♥♥,

Mint.

Monday, October 1, 2012

The Perks of Being a Wallflower.

I got a lovely letter from Starshine on Friday along with the heart-shaped measuring tape necklace that she also has. I like it. It makes me feel connected. She has one, I have one. It's like a best friend bracelet but different. I don't know... but I appreciate it, a lot.

I opened the envelope, and read the letter. I was excited, I was happy. "Amanda wrote to me!" I thought while running my eyes across the words, "And now, I'm reading it! I'm reading her hand-written words! To me!"

I don't know why I was so excited, but I was. Everything in the envelope made my day.

Then, about 20 minutes later, I found myself in my room; scissors in hand, cuts on thigh.

I cut a lot. Not very deep though, just enough to bleed.

I felt numb. I needed to feel something.

Cut. Nothing. Cut, cut. Nothing. Cut, cut, cut. Nothing. Cuuuuuuuuuut. Nothing.

I decided to try to sleep, and woke up, still numb. The only difference was that I was much more exhausted when I woke up than when I went to sleep. How does that even make sense?

I fasted all of Saturday, but right after the 24-hour mark I binged on half a loaf of bread, then threw the rest out.

That's when I started reading The Perks of Being a Wallflower. I saw the trailer on t.v and noticed that Emma Watson was in it. I love her. But I think everyone in my generation loves her because of Harry Potter.

I also started reading the book because tumblr loves it; and if tumblr loves it, it has to be good.

I only read a few pages that night, but I was already in love. It was beautifully sad, and I loved the writing style.

The next morning I woke up happy because I was reading a book (I barely ever read books), my dad was taking me out for lunch (we're still mending our relationship from last year. It's getting better, but I still want to cry every time I see him), and also because my mom was finally coming home (I love her so much).

The day was good, I was happy. I ate, I ate, I ate. My mom, did not.

When she wants to lose weight all she talks about is how fat she is, and how I shouldn't be so focussed on food all the time ("Really Mint, it's just food."), and how she doesn't want any calories, not even in her tea ("Zero calories is better than 5").

It makes me mad. I want to slap her. I want her to be healthy, and eat, and worry about me not eating, rather than being a non-eating role model. So when she doesn't eat, I do.

I made an apple loaf and ate half of it while reading my book, during such time my mom ran on the treadmill downstairs.

I don't remember what part I was at in my book, but I started getting insanely depressed, and my heart started panicking, and my head felt dizzy. I decided I couldn't read anymore. It was too sad. But then I decided that I had to finish at least the letter I was on.

I read another sentence, and gave up. I got some water, sat down on the floor and tried to breathe.

My heart was jumping, my head was dizzy, and it felt like I had a stick attached to my back, holding me upright, not allowing me to take deep breaths.

I hate anxiety. And I hate how it just comes out of no where.

The rest of the night sucked, and I couldn't sleep because I kept jumping.

I woke up this morning feeling depressed, lost, and without purpose. I decided to binge while I read the last half of the book.

And I finished it and now I'm here. More depressed, more lost, and without even more purpose if possible.

It really was a beautiful book, and the movie won't do it justice at all, but I feel so alone now. It feels like Charlie is real, and I want to help him. I want to ask him questions and erase all the negativity from his life, because he doesn't deserve it.

Which makes me think of Starshine. She doesn't deserve the ghosts that haunt her, the pain in her heart. She deserves none of it, and it make's me mad.

I hate the world for all of it's darkness.

And I hate the world for placing me in it without it having my permission to do so.

I don't want to be here, or there. I don't want to be anywhere. I don't want to learn, to work, to experience.

What's the point?

I have no goals or aspirations. There is no point. I'm just here, and I need not to be.

I wish someone would just pull the plug...

Quick and painless.

xxx