Why do I insist on sabotaging myself?

Since the last post I've been good, bad; happy and sad.

I've binged more than fasted, but I looked into the mirror today and saw that there's more space between my thighs than before (not a thigh gap, but the makings of one) which is good. I felt so relieved. I guess exercise really does keep weight off.

Also, when I was returning my uniform to the front desk at the grocery store I got a job offer to be the cake decorator in the bakery! So that was really good. And I'm still excited about it.

My mom came back home on Thursday and she brought me a lot of treats and goodies, including French pastries. I couldn't eat any of them because I'm vegan, obviously. BUT, because my mom doesn't know I'm vegan I had to be a bitch and say I didn't want them.

I wish she'd just let me be a vegan. Christmas is going to be so hard...

I cut yesterday because I was feeling pathetic, and like a disappointment, and because I'm fat and have no control. I cut deeper than usual without even meaning to... I know it's bad but it doesn't feel bad. The deeper I go, the calmer I feel.

Today I fasted most of the day and then binged near the end of it. Not as badly as the other few days though so that's good... I guess. I cleaned the house today also, and tried to work out... only got halfway done, but I'll finish it in a little while.

The last couple of days I've been thinking about suicide. As a whole, not me committing suicide. Just suicide in general.

I read articles on suicide prevention, different kinds of suicide, which are preferred methods, the after effects of failed suicide, and things like that. After researching I have only two thoughts:

1. I hate reading articles that are from the point of view of a scientist or just someone who's read the definition of suicide. They don't know what it's like. They just explain what it is: "Suicide (Latin suicidium, from sui caedere, "to kill oneself") is the act of intentionally causing one's own death. Suicide is often committed out of despair, the cause of which can be attributed to a mental disorder such as depression, bipolar disorder, schizophrenia, alcoholism, or drug abuse.^[1] Stress factors such as financial difficulties or troubles with interpersonal relationships often play a significant role." (wikipedia obviously). I don't know. Whenever I read things about self-harm, or eating disorders, or things that I relate to, I feel like the author is missing the point. They're not digging deep enough, they don't understand what's going on in our minds, they don't know what it's like to feel such power, powerlessness, anger, hatred, sadness, numbness, emptiness... They don't know what it's like, and I don't think they should write about it if they have no clue what they're talking about.
   
2. I've also decided how I'll commit suicide if I ever go down that path. THIS is a link to a post on tumblr, explaining it in a nicer form of writing, but in short, I'll take some sleeping pills and go outside on a cold winter's night. In the tumblr post I wrote that this way would be "less passionate". I feel that if I were to commit suicide because of anger, or frustration, I still have life in me. I only want to die when I'm completely empty, completely numb. I want to slip away from life, not take it.

Anyway, that's basically what's been happening. Tomorrow will be better, it has to.

Think thin!

♥,

Mint.