The Perks of Being a Wallflower.

I got a lovely letter from Starshine on Friday along with the heart-shaped measuring tape necklace that she also has. I like it. It makes me feel connected. She has one, I have one. It's like a best friend bracelet but different. I don't know... but I appreciate it, a lot.

I opened the envelope, and read the letter. I was excited, I was happy. "Amanda wrote to me!" I thought while running my eyes across the words, "And now, I'm reading it! I'm reading her hand-written words! To me!"

I don't know why I was so excited, but I was. Everything in the envelope made my day.

Then, about 20 minutes later, I found myself in my room; scissors in hand, cuts on thigh.

I cut a lot. Not very deep though, just enough to bleed.

I felt numb. I needed to feel something.

Cut. Nothing. Cut, cut. Nothing. Cut, cut, cut. Nothing. Cuuuuuuuuuut. Nothing.

I decided to try to sleep, and woke up, still numb. The only difference was that I was much more exhausted when I woke up than when I went to sleep. How does that even make sense?

I fasted all of Saturday, but right after the 24-hour mark I binged on half a loaf of bread, then threw the rest out.

That's when I started reading The Perks of Being a Wallflower. I saw the trailer on t.v and noticed that Emma Watson was in it. I love her. But I think everyone in my generation loves her because of Harry Potter.

I also started reading the book because tumblr loves it; and if tumblr loves it, it has to be good.

I only read a few pages that night, but I was already in love. It was beautifully sad, and I loved the writing style.

The next morning I woke up happy because I was reading a book (I barely ever read books), my dad was taking me out for lunch (we're still mending our relationship from last year. It's getting better, but I still want to cry every time I see him), and also because my mom was finally coming home (I love her so much).

The day was good, I was happy. I ate, I ate, I ate. My mom, did not.

When she wants to lose weight all she talks about is how fat she is, and how I shouldn't be so focussed on food all the time ("Really Mint, it's just food."), and how she doesn't want any calories, not even in her tea ("Zero calories is better than 5").

It makes me mad. I want to slap her. I want her to be healthy, and eat, and worry about me not eating, rather than being a non-eating role model. So when she doesn't eat, I do.

I made an apple loaf and ate half of it while reading my book, during such time my mom ran on the treadmill downstairs.

I don't remember what part I was at in my book, but I started getting insanely depressed, and my heart started panicking, and my head felt dizzy. I decided I couldn't read anymore. It was too sad. But then I decided that I had to finish at least the letter I was on.

I read another sentence, and gave up. I got some water, sat down on the floor and tried to breathe.

My heart was jumping, my head was dizzy, and it felt like I had a stick attached to my back, holding me upright, not allowing me to take deep breaths.

I hate anxiety. And I hate how it just comes out of no where.

The rest of the night sucked, and I couldn't sleep because I kept jumping.

I woke up this morning feeling depressed, lost, and without purpose. I decided to binge while I read the last half of the book.

And I finished it and now I'm here. More depressed, more lost, and without even more purpose if possible.

It really was a beautiful book, and the movie won't do it justice at all, but I feel so alone now. It feels like Charlie is real, and I want to help him. I want to ask him questions and erase all the negativity from his life, because he doesn't deserve it.

Which makes me think of Starshine. She doesn't deserve the ghosts that haunt her, the pain in her heart. She deserves none of it, and it make's me mad.

I hate the world for all of it's darkness.

And I hate the world for placing me in it without it having my permission to do so.

I don't want to be here, or there. I don't want to be anywhere. I don't want to learn, to work, to experience.

What's the point?

I have no goals or aspirations. There is no point. I'm just here, and I need not to be.

I wish someone would just pull the plug...

Quick and painless.

xxx