Monday, February 25, 2013
My favourite thing ever.
I loveeeee getting in trouble for eating, two days in a row. Especially when I'm definitely not eating.
Tuesday, February 19, 2013
Toxic Thoughts.
Today was good because I finally had a successful fast.
But it was bad because I started thinking about the past, which made me feel terrible.
Somehow I started thinking about middle school and the start of high school.
I was so naive, and ugly, and stupid, and gullible, and annoying.
Actually, maybe I don't want to get into this... I've blocked out most of middle school (I just remember trying to get the popular kids to like me, yup, I was that girl) but I guess I'll discuss the beginning of high school.
Because I had no friends in middle school, I went to high school not really knowing anybody. But me being lame me, I didn't think that was a problem, and was just super! excited to make bffs for life ♡!
Somehow I got into this really weird drama filled group where everyone was secretly talking shit about everyone else all the time. Because I was stupid, I didn't get that it was all a game, and when I did figure out that it was a game, I didn't get the rules.
I personally feel like I was the main victim of this group. One person would get me talking about another person, and then they'd tell the person we were talking about all the shit I said. Or one person would tell the others that I made up all these rumours about them all, WHEN I DEFINITELY DIDN'T. Or they'd make up rumours about me, like that I was a lesbian. T_T
great friends.
What's weird is that I stuck around this group for three years until one of them decided to hate me, kick me out of the group, blog about how annoying I am, and even when I was out of the group already, talk shit about me when I was in earshot (in art class, or at our lockers).
This is the girl who triggered my social anxiety, disordered eating, and depression.
I honestly want her dead.
Her blood on the floor, and the taste of sweet, sweet revenge on my lips.
She ruined my life. And I don't even know why. Just one day, she hated me! When all of this happened I just tried to ignore it all. I didn't say anything to her, I didn't try to stay in the group (none of my other friends would even talk to me after this happened), I just tried to disappear, and I've been trying unsuccessfully ever since.
Sometimes I think that I should find her on facebook, and just send her a huge message to get everything off of my chest. But I know it wouldn't help; what's done is done, you know?
Anyway... I was just thinking about all the times I let people walk all over me, or manipulate me, or just be a bitch to me, and how I wish I was someone else, or that there was a way to erase memories.
I went to work thinking about my past and feeling sick and angry because of it. W was working and he tried to make conversation, but the first part of our shift I was quiet, just thinking about how much I hate myself. He eventually broke through though and made me laugh, and then everything was better.
♥,
Mint.
But it was bad because I started thinking about the past, which made me feel terrible.
Somehow I started thinking about middle school and the start of high school.
I was so naive, and ugly, and stupid, and gullible, and annoying.
Actually, maybe I don't want to get into this... I've blocked out most of middle school (I just remember trying to get the popular kids to like me, yup, I was that girl) but I guess I'll discuss the beginning of high school.
Because I had no friends in middle school, I went to high school not really knowing anybody. But me being lame me, I didn't think that was a problem, and was just super! excited to make bffs for life ♡!
Somehow I got into this really weird drama filled group where everyone was secretly talking shit about everyone else all the time. Because I was stupid, I didn't get that it was all a game, and when I did figure out that it was a game, I didn't get the rules.
I personally feel like I was the main victim of this group. One person would get me talking about another person, and then they'd tell the person we were talking about all the shit I said. Or one person would tell the others that I made up all these rumours about them all, WHEN I DEFINITELY DIDN'T. Or they'd make up rumours about me, like that I was a lesbian. T_T
great friends.
What's weird is that I stuck around this group for three years until one of them decided to hate me, kick me out of the group, blog about how annoying I am, and even when I was out of the group already, talk shit about me when I was in earshot (in art class, or at our lockers).
This is the girl who triggered my social anxiety, disordered eating, and depression.
I honestly want her dead.
Her blood on the floor, and the taste of sweet, sweet revenge on my lips.
She ruined my life. And I don't even know why. Just one day, she hated me! When all of this happened I just tried to ignore it all. I didn't say anything to her, I didn't try to stay in the group (none of my other friends would even talk to me after this happened), I just tried to disappear, and I've been trying unsuccessfully ever since.
Sometimes I think that I should find her on facebook, and just send her a huge message to get everything off of my chest. But I know it wouldn't help; what's done is done, you know?
Anyway... I was just thinking about all the times I let people walk all over me, or manipulate me, or just be a bitch to me, and how I wish I was someone else, or that there was a way to erase memories.
I went to work thinking about my past and feeling sick and angry because of it. W was working and he tried to make conversation, but the first part of our shift I was quiet, just thinking about how much I hate myself. He eventually broke through though and made me laugh, and then everything was better.
♥,
Mint.
Sunday, February 17, 2013
I explored Marina and The Diamonds today, I'm still not too sure what I think.
I was feeling really anxious again today.
I still don't know what I'm going to do with my next semester because my academic advisor hasn't replied to me yet, and she doesn't work weekends.
So I just get to sit, and think and think and think.
I didn't have to work today which is good because work is terrible. I tried to do my school work but my brain wouldn't shut up about absolutely everything.
I started thinking about life, and how pointless it is again.
I understand that life isn't meant to have a purpose. We are all here to learn and to experience. But I mean, there are those who live to live, and others who are just here, you know?
Whenever I talk negatively about the whole "life experience" to people they get sort of preachy on me. Stating that we choose our happiness, and we choose how we live. If we're unhappy, it's because we've made ourselves that way.
But I think they just don't understand how hard it can be sometimes to make yourself happy. This is a huge discussion topic, and I regret opening this can of worms because I really don't intend on expanding it.
:3 sorry.
Anyway, today when I started get anxious, I was aware that it was because I was thinking to much, and the solution was to distract myself, because my thoughts were silly and really shouldn't be bothering me, for example:
One random thought I had was the fact that I'd have to park on campus when I go back to my university. This is troubling because it's a crowded parking lot and I'm not a confident driver. And what if I was late, and couldn't find a parking spot? I'd have to go to my class late and everyone would look at me. Also, I'd have to walk down this huge hill to get to my classes and then back up again afterwards. WHAT IF I BREATHE TOO LOUD? WHAT IF IT'S ICY AND I SLIP AND FALL? And my campus is filled with obnoxious snowboarders, so what if they make fun of me and then I like, I don't know, TRIP, or something...
Thoughts like these were flooding my head so I figured I'd do something about it. Lately when I've been feeling anxious in public, I've been reminding myself to breathe. So I did that today, took a few deep breathes and continued to do my school work.
That worked for a little bit, but then I was right back to where I started. So I decided to text a friend. But after awhile the thoughts were creeping back, so I talked about stocks with my mom (business is really starting to interest me lately, it's the oddest thing). But nothing was working. The thoughts and nerves just kept getting worse and worse.
Eventually, I wanted to cry, and cut, or drink, or sleep, or just do something to either let it out or escape. But I couldn't do any of that. So here I ammmm.
The more stressed and anxious I get, the more I worry about this weekend when I mom leaves and I'm on my own for a bit.
I don't like having to rely on others being there to make me sane, you know? I should be able to just be fine, on my own, like anyone else.
I'm bored of blogging again.
♥,
Mint.
I still don't know what I'm going to do with my next semester because my academic advisor hasn't replied to me yet, and she doesn't work weekends.
So I just get to sit, and think and think and think.
I didn't have to work today which is good because work is terrible. I tried to do my school work but my brain wouldn't shut up about absolutely everything.
I started thinking about life, and how pointless it is again.
I understand that life isn't meant to have a purpose. We are all here to learn and to experience. But I mean, there are those who live to live, and others who are just here, you know?
Whenever I talk negatively about the whole "life experience" to people they get sort of preachy on me. Stating that we choose our happiness, and we choose how we live. If we're unhappy, it's because we've made ourselves that way.
But I think they just don't understand how hard it can be sometimes to make yourself happy. This is a huge discussion topic, and I regret opening this can of worms because I really don't intend on expanding it.
:3 sorry.
Anyway, today when I started get anxious, I was aware that it was because I was thinking to much, and the solution was to distract myself, because my thoughts were silly and really shouldn't be bothering me, for example:
One random thought I had was the fact that I'd have to park on campus when I go back to my university. This is troubling because it's a crowded parking lot and I'm not a confident driver. And what if I was late, and couldn't find a parking spot? I'd have to go to my class late and everyone would look at me. Also, I'd have to walk down this huge hill to get to my classes and then back up again afterwards. WHAT IF I BREATHE TOO LOUD? WHAT IF IT'S ICY AND I SLIP AND FALL? And my campus is filled with obnoxious snowboarders, so what if they make fun of me and then I like, I don't know, TRIP, or something...
Thoughts like these were flooding my head so I figured I'd do something about it. Lately when I've been feeling anxious in public, I've been reminding myself to breathe. So I did that today, took a few deep breathes and continued to do my school work.
That worked for a little bit, but then I was right back to where I started. So I decided to text a friend. But after awhile the thoughts were creeping back, so I talked about stocks with my mom (business is really starting to interest me lately, it's the oddest thing). But nothing was working. The thoughts and nerves just kept getting worse and worse.
Eventually, I wanted to cry, and cut, or drink, or sleep, or just do something to either let it out or escape. But I couldn't do any of that. So here I ammmm.
The more stressed and anxious I get, the more I worry about this weekend when I mom leaves and I'm on my own for a bit.
I don't like having to rely on others being there to make me sane, you know? I should be able to just be fine, on my own, like anyone else.
I'm bored of blogging again.
♥,
Mint.
Thursday, February 14, 2013
Lion Heart
I'm not having a good day :(
I found out that the courses I'm trying to register in for my second semester don't start until May. And one is worth 6 credits, so it doesn't end until December.
I emailed the instructors asking if I could start the courses earlier, and finish them earlier but they all said no.
So what are my options?
- Try to find another distance learning institute that has courses that will transfer to my university (which isn't a very likely option)
- Take the 3 credit courses in summer (which would be stupid because I need to be working full time in the summer to save money; also I need the courses done by June because of prereqs)
- Don't take the courses at all and just take an extra course per semester when I get back (which would be dumb because I'm already taking 5 courses per semester when they only recommend taking 4)
- Just accept the fact that I'll graduate a semester later (WHICH IS NOT EVEN AN OPTION WHY DID I EVEN INCLUDE IT IN THIS LIST)
Also, I'm already a day and a half behind with my school schedule. Want to know why? I got called into work yesterday.
I was supposed to decorate some cookies for an order the day before but the bakers fucked up with baking them and put salt instead of sugar, so I obviously couldn't decorate them. I was like that sucks because I already decorated a bunch but it's good because I don't have to do anymore!
WRONG.
They called me at around 11am and said I had to decorate the new ones because the order was due the same day. So I went in and didn't get my school work done T_T
I told them that I'm taking Friday off though. I already worked an extra 10 hours this week (I'm only supposed to be working 20 hours a week) so I think I'm good.
Today was also really bad because all the stress was making me want to vent to someone but I realized that I don't really have anyone. Well today anyway.
It's B's birthday/6 months/Valentine's day (obviously) so I didn't want to go complaining to her. The only other person I talk to about personal things is R. Have I mentioned him? Anyway, I didn't want to bother him today either because I figured he'd be with his girlfriend who doesn't like me lol
BUT APPARENTLY WE'RE CONNECTED AND HE TEXTED ME OUT OF THE BLUE AND IT MADE ME FEEL BETTER EVEN THOUGH HE DIDN'T REALLY HELP AT ALL.
It's just a nice feeling to be connected to someone, you know? You can feel your soul being held by theirs and vice versa.
The other people I normally talk to have apparently disappeared. No one will reply to me, and it's not a fun feeling. Today I just feel like I'm getting kicked in the face repeatedly.
I originally was excited to go to work today because W (the super cute cleaning boy) would be working. But when I went in he didn't share my enthusiasm. I asked him if he was tired (the last time we worked together he was tired and boring as fuck) but he said he wasn't and just kept on working.
This gave me time to just think. Think about everything that's stressing me out, again, and again, and again. I was drowning in it. And that's exactly why I can't be alone, or why it's bad to not be distracted.
I think, I sink, I drown.
After awhile he tried to start some conversation but I was too far gone. I wanted to cry so bad. Just melt into a puddle in the floor.
I wanted to cut so bad too. I instead settled with digging my nails into my palm.
When W left he looked kind of concerned, I don't think he's ever seen me quiet haha.
A quiet Mint is a thinking Mint is a sinking Mint is a drowning Mint.
Anyway, I'm tired of blogging right now. I'm fat, I'm sad, I'm lonely.
Vivre la vie.
♥,
Mint
Friday, February 8, 2013
My head's not where it was when I started this blog.
Hiiiii,
Lately I've been thinking of ending this blog.
My head's not where it was when I started it.
Not to say that I've changed and am new and improved or something, cause I'm not. It's just... I don't feel like writing anything.
Writing means thinking, and I definitely don't want to think, but here goes:
I've finally set the dates for my final exams. March 1st, 6th, 7th, and 8th. And remember that these are my finals from my first semester. MEANING, that I'm about a semester behind.
fuck.
I really have to be more focussed. I still need to complete, 5 assignments before my finals, and study. Which means that I need to read the chapters, do the research, write notes, do the assignments, write more notes, read through notes while highlighting, and then study the highlighted information, oh yeah, and go to work too. Which means I've screwed myself over.
And then when I get the courses for my second semester, I need to work as fast as possible because I decided that I'm going back to Kelowna for next year. If I'm going back, I need to register for courses in the summer, and because some of the courses I'm taking through correspondents are prerequisites for courses I need to take next year, I need them completed by the time I register with Kelowna, meaning I fucked myself over even more.
fuck.
The good thing about returning to Kelowna is that there is absolutely no way it can be as bad as last year because my mom is moving with me, which means I won't be totally isolated! Hurray!
The bad thing is that if I want to fast for a week or whatever, it's harder to get around. But I've done it before so there's really no negative.
OH AND B HAS MOVED AND LEFT ME AND I HATE HER FOREVER.
She got herself transferred to a city that works out better for her like way more. Her boyfriend lives there, and she enjoys the work more so that's good. BUT THAT DOESN'T MEAN THAT I DON'T MISS THE FUCK OUT OF HER.
So far though I'm not feeling totally alone yet (it's been a week). I've been working, and schooling, so I'm pretty busy. BUT, the thing that's worrying me is when my mom goes to the city in a few weeks. She'll be gone for like three days, which isn't bad, but the last time she left me in this huge house (a couple weeks ago), I immediately became depressed and went to old habits. I realized that to stay sane, I need people around me all the time. Even though I hate people.
it's so weird.
I'll just have to be strong and focus on something else I guess.
WHICH BRINGS ME TO THE POINT OF THIS ENTIRE BLOG.
I am fat. And I must do something about it.
I've gained too much weight in the last month which puts me even more behind than before. So I have to pull myself back in line.
I'm bringing back my Monday fast (which I secretly love, it's such a good idea on my part), fruit or coffee for breakfasts, and soup for lunches.
Everything else (super, snacks) is flexible as long as I'm not stupid about it.
Also, I'll make sure to exercise on days off only (so like three days a week, unless I have Monday off, I'll move my work out day to the day after). This way I won't crash, and hopefully it'll be easier for me to stick to.
And of course I'm planning a fast when my mom goes away.
If you made it through this entire post, congrats! It was long and boring as hell. I want to start posting again daily, so if it's late and you still haven't gotten a post out of me, could someone please, please, pleaseeee, harass me on tumblr or something? Thank youuu!
♥,
Mint.
Lately I've been thinking of ending this blog.
My head's not where it was when I started it.
Not to say that I've changed and am new and improved or something, cause I'm not. It's just... I don't feel like writing anything.
Writing means thinking, and I definitely don't want to think, but here goes:
I've finally set the dates for my final exams. March 1st, 6th, 7th, and 8th. And remember that these are my finals from my first semester. MEANING, that I'm about a semester behind.
fuck.
I really have to be more focussed. I still need to complete, 5 assignments before my finals, and study. Which means that I need to read the chapters, do the research, write notes, do the assignments, write more notes, read through notes while highlighting, and then study the highlighted information, oh yeah, and go to work too. Which means I've screwed myself over.
And then when I get the courses for my second semester, I need to work as fast as possible because I decided that I'm going back to Kelowna for next year. If I'm going back, I need to register for courses in the summer, and because some of the courses I'm taking through correspondents are prerequisites for courses I need to take next year, I need them completed by the time I register with Kelowna, meaning I fucked myself over even more.
fuck.
The good thing about returning to Kelowna is that there is absolutely no way it can be as bad as last year because my mom is moving with me, which means I won't be totally isolated! Hurray!
The bad thing is that if I want to fast for a week or whatever, it's harder to get around. But I've done it before so there's really no negative.
OH AND B HAS MOVED AND LEFT ME AND I HATE HER FOREVER.
She got herself transferred to a city that works out better for her like way more. Her boyfriend lives there, and she enjoys the work more so that's good. BUT THAT DOESN'T MEAN THAT I DON'T MISS THE FUCK OUT OF HER.
So far though I'm not feeling totally alone yet (it's been a week). I've been working, and schooling, so I'm pretty busy. BUT, the thing that's worrying me is when my mom goes to the city in a few weeks. She'll be gone for like three days, which isn't bad, but the last time she left me in this huge house (a couple weeks ago), I immediately became depressed and went to old habits. I realized that to stay sane, I need people around me all the time. Even though I hate people.
it's so weird.
I'll just have to be strong and focus on something else I guess.
WHICH BRINGS ME TO THE POINT OF THIS ENTIRE BLOG.
I am fat. And I must do something about it.
I've gained too much weight in the last month which puts me even more behind than before. So I have to pull myself back in line.
I'm bringing back my Monday fast (which I secretly love, it's such a good idea on my part), fruit or coffee for breakfasts, and soup for lunches.
Everything else (super, snacks) is flexible as long as I'm not stupid about it.
Also, I'll make sure to exercise on days off only (so like three days a week, unless I have Monday off, I'll move my work out day to the day after). This way I won't crash, and hopefully it'll be easier for me to stick to.
And of course I'm planning a fast when my mom goes away.
If you made it through this entire post, congrats! It was long and boring as hell. I want to start posting again daily, so if it's late and you still haven't gotten a post out of me, could someone please, please, pleaseeee, harass me on tumblr or something? Thank youuu!
♥,
Mint.
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