No one ever wants to live with me :( growing up I've always wanted to be neighbours with my best friend. And growing up I always dreamed about living with my bestie. But no one, no matter how close we are, wants to live with me :( everyone hates meeeeeee, I'm too obnoxioussssss blahhhhhhhhhhh

That's so shitty. I'm good for nothing.

BLAH

I'm totes an alcoholic lmao I tried soooo hard this week not to drink and I thought I made it but I totally forgot that I got buzzed the other night when I watched Pulp Fiction LUUUUUUUL OOPZ.

Whatever, I love rum. It's delicious. And smokes. MMMMMM SHMOKEZ.

UM I HAVE NOTHING ELSE TO BLOG ABOUT.

I'M BORED AND LONELY LUL WHATEVVVVVV.

Screw titles, they're just labelling shit B)

If this whole relationship was a shit ton of lies, it at least had some positives.

I've because more comfortable with my messy hair, and makeupless face. I've been able to tell my mom about all the things I've been hiding from her these past 5 years, and I've been able to wear shorts around the house.

So I guess that's worth it.

In other news, I've been falling into old habits. Black coffee, smokes, and apples.

These anti-social anxiety pills kill my appetite. I don't really care about food, and I have no interest in anything sweet. It's amazing.

In a few days my prescription will be upped a bit too so maybe that'll increase all of this.

The pills are cool too because when bad things happen I don't usually hate myself (unless I'm drunk), I just feel empty. Which sucks but I mean, it's better I think.

It's three in the afternoon and I still haven't finished my apple from breakfast. I've got about a quarter of it left.

Ahhhhh, I love this. I haven't been able not to binge in my house since I was like 13. Yay drugs!

- Mint.

The gap between my knees is finallyyyyyyy back. I haven't seen that since 2011. :)

*dying whale noises*

UGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

GUYZ I DID SUMTHIN MATURE

I took a deep breath today.

I'm not a mature person, never have, never wanted to. Ever since I turned 6 I was over life, and dreaded growing older every day.

I don't know if this is why my life is in such shambles right now, but I think it could be a very strong variable that I should be aware of.

The bitch that is moving into my apartment down in Kelowna while I'm in Hinton/Edmonton is the same girl that he-who-shall-not-be-named apparently cheated on me with.

After our finale, I wanted soooo badly to ruin their lives. I was going to get my keys back from the bitch and wait until she was in Ktown to tell her that she had no place to live. I was going to tell Dick's (that's going to be his name. Dick. Short for "mother fucking ass wipe of a dick") brother's wife or whatever she is, that the two of them are dealers. I was going to make it a mission to ruin both of their lives. People don't fuck with me.

But I started thinking that shit, maybe that's mean. Shit, maybe that's high school. Shit, maybe I'm going down to their level.

In classic Mint fashion, I had argued both sides to the point where I had no idea what to do. My heart speaks first, my head listens and analyzes and then god fucking damn, my head tells my heart it's thoughts and then my heart has no idea what to do.

I asked my mom, I asked B, and they both said to do whatever. SUCH HELP, THANKZ.

But honestly, asking for someone's opinion can only do so much. In the end, the decision is yours to make.

So I do what I do best and followed my intuition (that always works for me). I looked at the time, 1:48, and thought, "Okay, by the time I get my laptop out, and tumblr up, it'll be 1:50. I'll scroll through my dash for exactly 10 minutes, and then I'll make the decision."

I prayed for a sign and began scrolling. At exactly 2, I saw the photo above. And it spoke to me.

(P.S yes I know I'm crazy because this is ridiculous sounding, the whole situation, I KNOW, SORRY.)

I thought, "Shit! This is growing up. Accepting reality, moving on, not lingering. JUZT KEEP SWIMMIN', YOU KNOW? It's hard, but that's life, real life.

"Taking steps is easy, standing still is hard"

The revenge I was planning didn't even have any real benefit to me. What has happened has happened, I can't change that. Not allowing money to come in just because she could or could not be a slut makes no sense. It's not like when I steal money from douchebags who talk shit about me or my friends. Like, THAT'S different, I get something physical from that lmao

So yeah, revenge is off. And plus, it'll be good to have her out of this town when I'm still here right? Peace of mind? I think so.

Anyway, just wanted to let you know about my little mature victory.

- Mint.

I sound like a fucking love-sick puppy and I hate it because I don't want to feel this way because I know you're a dick.

It's funny because this relationship started with needing you to know who I really was.

I needed you to understand what you'd be dealing with. I needed you to see my fear. I needed you to know, because I didn't want to hurt you.

It's just ironic that this is exactly what happened.

I made you watch Breakfast at Tiffany's because that's who I am, to a tee.

We watched it and I thought you understood, you said you understood, I believed you understood. So I breathed in, and took the leap down towards where you stood waiting for me.

I gave you my heart and tried my best not to fuck it up.

It's just funny because exactly a month later, our time together was over. It's funny because on the day that always brought me good luck (Friday the 13th), was the day you chose to shatter the parts of me that you had built up.

It's funny because it was classic Tiffany's. You were jealous and frustrated because I was still not wanting to admit that you had all of me; I was timid, still not believing people could truly belong to people (especially with what people had been telling me about you).

Except, instead of giving me the speech about love and how people can and do belong to people… followed by you looking for cat… followed by me racing out after you and then kissing because you had beat down the last wall I had standing… well, you let me throw that poor old slob without a name into the rain… and then you simply followed suit, without a single word.

They say if you love something, let it go. If it comes back to you, it's yours; if not, it never was.

You told me that the time the two robins landed beside us. I took it as a sign, because I was trying to run away in fear, but the universe already knew I had come back to you.

I came back again and again. After every little bump in the road, I came back. I put my heart on the line for you to do as you pleased. I trusted, I stayed on your side, I readjusted myself; anything to make you happy. To me, that's love, your happiness is my happiness.

But I guess to you my happiness isn't your happiness. And balance in our relationship, that is not.

I'm scared that you're not going to come back. I'm scared that you were never mine. I'm scared that everything I chose to disbelieve was the actual truth.

That's why I'm so angry. I allowed this all to happen and you're right, I have to live with the consequences. I just pray that the consequences aren't locked into place. I hope you were mine…

I hope you come back…

I hope I had something, even for just a second.

- Mint.

I'm burning white-hot mother fucker.

I'm not the type of person to go down without a fight, not anymore anyway.

I learnt early in high school that if I let things slide, if I take shit from people… well, I just harbour hate that blooms into self-destruction; and I feel like I'm better than that.

Never have I gotten my just dessert and have felt guilt. It makes me feel even. And again, I'd never do what I do if it wasn't warranted.

I'm a fire sign, but not a strong, steady glow. I'm a leo, a wild fire. I react according to what you give me. One second I'm tame, then next I'm swallowing you whole.

I'm not meant to stay still, it's not my nature. I'm meant to make waves, move fucking mountains.

Wherever I go, you'll know I was there; I have a fucking presence. And yes, I sound so fucking full of myself here but fuck it. It's my blog, my mind. If I feel this way about myself for even a split second, I should be allowed to express it.

Right now I feel like I'm a wild card. I can be anything and everything, and I'll make you know it.

All I'm saying here is that I'm pissed. That I allowed myself to be fucked again, that I opened up, and trusted, and it was all for nothing. And guess who got bumped off board once again? Me.

You don't do that to a young Italian female leo who was born in the year of the rooster. I mean, that's just asking for it. You also don't do that to someone who straight up told you, told you both that it's not a good idea to fuck with me.

I've told you the stories of past occurrences, why do you think I'd treat you two any better? Especially when you didn't trust me enough to believe that I went against your fake ass fucking morals.

When we first got together you told me, "Whatever you do, please, please, don't cheat." I simply told you not to fuck with my heart.

I'm glad one of us stuck to our morals at least… unfortunately for you though, you're in check at the moment, and your king isn't looking too hot, babe.

- Mint.

Everything happens for a reason. You need to believe in this. Because if you don't you're going to lose hope in life. And apparently life is good.

But golly gee damn, am I fucking losing it.

Everything gets worse and worse. Sure, there are light patches but in general, things are going down, down, downnnnn.

And guess who's digging this shit? Me. I make everyone around me hate me. No one wants to be near me, I'm toxic. I'm alone.

Fuck I wish I could kill myself.