Thursday, June 29, 2017

Gilded Guns


Here it is

I'm drunk
I'm drunk
I'm drunk

I made a sugar baby profile like a week or so ago.
I had sex with a dude close to my age for a hunnit and a pack of smokes.
I met a speed freak daddy that I'm in love with who doesn't want to love me and it's sad.
I tried to kill myself on Sunday but I passed out before I could finish ordering the pills.
I realized I'm bad at being alone lol
My big brother was supposed to babysit me while mom was gone... he lasted a total of two day; he's my dad, I swear to god...

Today was shit, and I wanted to kill myself more than before.
But by the end of work something changed and I didn't hate everything so much, so I'm still here.

I just remade my sugar baby account after deleting it half a week ago.

I realized this:

"I don't give a damn about life
I can have hopes and dreams but it doesn't mean I want to wake up tomorrow

Nothing means anything to me"

So judge me
Judge me, I beg you.

Because the only reason I'm doing things is so I don't kill my goddamn self.
Anything I'm doing, it's so I don't kill myself.
There are moments where I don't get why I'm still going, what am I going for?

Legit.

So please, I know what I do isn't like... cool or fun or whatever the fuck.
It's just stuff to distract myself from the fact that death goddamn exists.
Give me a goddamn break.
Nothing matters.

Nothing is real.

Wanna read my finally finished poem? I finished it yesterday? Was it yesterday? idk...

I'll post it.
I want a gun tattoo because of it.

I held a gun earlier this week. I wanted to ask speed daddy how much, but I didn't. He wiped my fingerprints clean.
It's definitely heavier than I thought; I had to force myself not to shove that barrel in my fucking mouth; had to take the second best barrel option...

- Mint.