Tomorrow will be better.

The last few days I've been stuffing my face.

Not intensely, but enough to make my shrunken stomach expaaaaand.

Today I was supposed to fast but I snapped and ate.

Ugh I hate myself so much.

I'll just have to fast tomorrow I guess.

The day started out so well! I had black coffee and a cigarette for breakfast, and then tea the rest of the day.

AND YES! I BOUGHT SMOKES! HURRAY.

And then work happened, and that's when I snapped. They've cut my hours and have given me even more responsibility. I mean, how am I going to get all of this extra stuff done in less time when I couldn't even get the original stuff done with my extra hours?

So much stress piling and piling. I just have to deal I guess. I've just got to stay sane.

♥,

Mint.

Night has always pushed up day; You must know life to see decay, but I won't rot, I won't rot. Not this mind and not this heart, I won't rot.

Ate some extra calories last night because I was just so grumpy, which led me to hating myself more.

But this morning I was brave and weighed myself, dreading the number. I lost 1.1 pounds!

Hurray!

That makes me feel a lot better about today.

Also, I love Mumford and Sons, and have always loved Mumford and Sons, but I've been listening to the lyrics of Sigh No More's, "After the Storm" a lot lately, and I think it's my new favourite song by them.

If you haven't hear the song, or really listened to the lyrics, I recommend you do so right away.

♥,

Mint.

Rant about work, nothing food related at all.

I don't understand idiots.

Honestly.

I don't get how they get through life. And I don't understand how they can just be... so stupid.

I'm not saying that I'm super smart or anything, but I'm just saying that, I don't get it lol

I don't get how an ENTIRE grocery store can be run by idiots. I don't get how no one can organize shit, order shit, be on top of things, get the fuck back to you when you ask questions, and just simply be in charge of other idiots.

It must be really frustrating for the department managers, you know? The blind leading the blind.

Whenever I come into work the bakers have already left for the day, so I get to take over the huge table for my cakes.

BUT, every god damn day they move all my stuff around, throw stuff out that I put aside (which has a SIGN, saying to not throw out), and leave everything they possibly can on the table that I'm supposed to be working on.

I swear that for the eight hours that they are there, all they're doing is moving my knives, moving my cakes, moving my icing, throwing out my containers, and messing up the table.

And the cleaning girl is an idiot too. Instead of scrubbing the floor, she soaks it by pouring water on certain spots, AKA CREATING HAZARDOUS PUDDLES ALL OVER THE PLACE.

And today she pulled out all these bins and they were in my way the ENTIRE time and she was just going to LEAVE THEM THERE until the end of her shift when she finally gets around to mopping. In the meantime she just sat on the table watching me trying to avoid all of these fucking hazards.

"Can I do anything to help?"

"Yeah, you can finish fucking mopping and put your god damn bins back so that I can actually do my fucking job."

Ugh.

And the staff that packs all the bakery products complain about not being able to get their 15 minute break because there's just, SOOOO much to do.

T_T

Please. I've done their job before when they've been short people, it's not hard! It's actually meant for 16-year-olds, not adults! And it's 15 minutes! I mean, no one even needs those breaks. They were designed to get a cup of coffee, and for having a smoke. Not for sitting on your ass complaining about your idiot life to other idiots who don't give a fuck.

Not that it matters but, I never take breaks, AND I frequently work over time without booking my hours. BECAUSE THE JOB SIMPLY NEEDS TO BE DONE.

I worked 3 extra hours today without being payed, without even thinking that I SHOULD be paid. And I don't really care.

What I do care about is how much of that added time was created by these fucking idiots.

These are the sorts of people who only listen to pop music. The people you don't "like" art. The people who are just blind to everything around them. They don't see beauty, feel beauty, think beauty. They don't ponder about things, and they can't carry conversations. They only care about themselves, and about being fake. Not even fake because they're not actually faking anything. They simply have no personality.

I really have troubles understanding how they've made it this far in life...

Sorry, rant over.

♪Dying in a Winter Wonderlaaaand ♪

Today is lame because I haven't lost anything since those two pounds.

I should really exercise, or just be patient... I don't know.

I got my period yesterday too so maybe there's bloating? I honestly don't think so but whatever.

I won't give up! I'll just keep focussed, and by the magic of science, I will lose weight.

I legit almost died yesterday, I swear! It's really snowy and icy and slippery here, and when I was driving down this curvy hill to go to work, I started sliding towards the cliff! And then I turned and started sliding towards incoming traffic! Then towards the cliff again, and once more towards traffic.

It was soooo scary, I was shaking so hard that my foot could barely press on the gas after!

Other than that, I really have no stories...

The cleaning boy at work is so adorable, oh my god. I feel like such a cougar (he's two years younger) lol BUT HE SMELLS SO GOOD. Before he left work last night I got him to stir up some yellow frosting for me (I don't have any strength in my arms, okay?) and in exchange I had to bring him his coat lol not really equal difficulty but whatever. And he was taking forever to stir up my frosting so while I was just standing there I put on his coat because apparently, I am SO LAZY that I can't even hold a coat, I have to wear it.

AND GUESS WHAT. HIS COAT SMELLS AMAZING TOO. SURPRISE, SURPRISE.

Why don't all guys wear cologne? That's like my biggest weakness. A super ugly guy could walk by me and if he smells good, it's like 100+ bonus points.

Anyway, back to another day of an apple, pb+j, and soup.

Better see some results sooooooon.

Tomorrow I'm going for lunch with my mom which will replace my pb+j, but I probably won't have my apple either. And depending on the size of the lunch, I also might not have my soup.

Then, on Saturday I'm going out with B to Subway, so I'll have salad instead of my soup for dinner.

And finally, on Sunday my dad is apparently having lunch with me. He just lost his job so I'm not sure if he actually will follow through with it. But if we do go out, I'll probably have salad again and skip the soup.

How did this short, nothing to say post end up so long?

I hope everyone is well! And Starshine, thanks so much for your encouraging words, I love youuu! ♥♥

Mint.

Wake up to the sound of your fleeting hearttttt

Successful fast yesterdaaaaay!

And now for the rest of this week (at least) I'm having daily:

• An apple (100)
• A piece of toast with pb+j (200 at most)
• A bowl of the soup I made (100)

I've lost 2 pounds since yesterday so hopefully I keep losing!

This time, things will be good. I promise.

♥,

Mint.

Maybe I have said, something that was wrong; can I make it better, with the lights turned on?

Today I woke up, wasted the day, went to work, and came home.

When I came home I asked my mom how her day was.

Bad decision.

I guess my brother has been back into doing coke (did he ever stop?) and is sounding "suspicious". Also I guess he's returning some girls car to Regina for her and asked my dad if he could drive him back.

Apparently my dad said yes and told my mom that he'd give him some more money then.

My mom told him that maybe he shouldn't give him the money, and that maybe they should let him fall on his ass to learn what it's like to get back up.

This is the point in the conversation where I said, "Finally."

And then my mom went apeshit telling me how spoilt I am and how she knows that I have jealousy issues and to get over it. She continued by saying that she's told me too much and that she forgot that I'm an immature 19-year-old.

I told her that I'm not jealous and that I should know what's happening in our family, and then asked why I'm not allowed to know about anything. She just blew me off.

Great way to start my restricting.

If my brother gets into a huge mess again and my mom starts taking it all out on me again, I'll be cutting in no time. Which is really sad because I haven't cut since likeeee a month I think?

Today I probably had about 600 cals. I was aiming for 400 but work screwed me over.

Tomorrow is my fast day which I'm always excited for, at least I can do that right (usually).

Sometimes I realllllllly wish that my mom and I weren't so close. It's hard being with her when she's being such a bitch. But if I leave she'll be sad and I'll be sad. And I don't even know where I'd go. And I'd be all alone. And I'd end up killing myself, I know it.

Ugh, good day ruined.

♥,

Mint.

I'm pretty sure I'm going to let B read my blog today. DON'T HATE ME PLEASE.

My mind has gone quiet again.

I feel like I'm floating in a sea of silent whispers; things are happening, but I am unmoving.

I don't know where I am.

Am I binging? No.

Am I cutting? No.

Am I being healthy? I don't know.

Am I restricting? I don't know.

Am I sad? No?

Am I happy? I don't knowwww

I feel like I'm restricting but as soon as the thought pops up, "Don't eat!" "Too many carbs!" "Too many calories!" "Eat later!" I listen, I obey, but I immediately repress it afterwards so it doesn't linger, and so my common sense doesn't tell me otherwise.

I feel like I should get back into the swing of things again though.

But I know myself, I can't ease into anything. I go full force, and when I fail that's where everything goes down hill.

I get obsessed way too quickly and end up just fasting until I lose control.

But I think I'm ready to try again.

I'm not going to get too involved though. I'm just going to listen and repress, listen and repress. I'll become a puppet to my mind.

We'll see how things go.

A lot has happened since my last post. I'm back to being a good vegan, and my mom is even allowing it. She's watching me which is annoying, but she rarely eats anyway so I'm not forced to eat. Plus she's never here, and when she is here, I'm working.

I went out to the bar on the 21st for the very first time too. It's way too easy to get drunk there, people buying you shots and whatnot. I ended up puking up my life though.

No food + Alcohol = BAD TIME

Also thought about becoming a smoker to repress my appetite and because it looks so damn classy. But I decided against it because I really don't look like a smoker, and people would judge me when I buy them, and I'd have to talk to people on my smoke break and that's just too much.

Over Christmas I was restricting so I didn't gain any weight. And then I got the stomach flu and even fasted for a few days which was a bonus.

I think that's the main points.

I hate feeling numb, and indifferent to everything.

Sorry for disappearing again. But seriously, does anyone even read this?

- Mint.