I miss my identity and freedom.

My baby lives in shades of blue; blue eyes, and jazz, and attitude.

I went to this party last Friday because A) I was invited, and B) because I didn't really talk to anyone that was going and knew that it'd be an amazing opportunity to overcome anxiety.

I told my shrink about it and she agreed with it being something I should do. But I knew BB would be upset because I'm not supposed to be drinking/going out. I thought he'd understand that the main reason I'm going out was to overcome anxiety but he still wasn't happy. He said to do whatever I wanted and that's exactly what I did.

Turns out he had a really bad day at work too so it wasn't the best mix. This dick had been giving him a really hard time at work the last week or so and on Friday it escalated to the point where he tried to punch BB, missed, and then BB swung and of course didn't fucking miss lol

SOOOOO, he got kicked off the crew and had to find a way back to my place within the next 24 hours.

I can understand how having that happen in his day could heighten anger and frustration but STILL, what happened after was fucking retardedddd.

I spent a lot of the party talking to him on the phone outside, trying to think of ways to make his shitty day better, but when I tried everything I could think of and eventually became irritated because I was missing out on my opportunity, I got mad.

He'd keep phoning and texting me when I was trying to hang out with these people, and eventually he got sick of me ignoring him and then we were BROKEN UP lol like wtfffff.

I got pissed, like pissed to the max. Like, let me have a fucking life. Let me try to overcome shit that's been making me miss out on opportunities like this for yearzzzzz.

When I get pissed I yell. I don't mean to but it's just what I do; I also swear a lot more. And apparentlyyyy when other people do that it's like a big fucking deal so then he was all mad at that and was like STOP FUCKING YELLING AT ME, STOP FUCKING SWEARING AT ME.

It was a big ordeal to say the least lol I was up till like 4 talking to him about it. I left the bar and everyone super early too because it just wasn't worth it.

It's funny too because he'd always be like I'M DONE TALKING TO YOU STOP. And then like 3 minutes later he'd like phone me again or say something else lol which tells me that he really didn't want the night to be the way it was.

ANYWAY, I woke up the next morning with like a gazillion missed phone calls and texts and we sorted shit out sorta. I know that he has a lot of reasons not to trust me (due to things I've done in the past, and things other people had done to him in the past) but STILLLLL he should just realize that he's the only one I want.

That aside, everything is good again lol I feel like I love him more and more each day. It's weird, kinda scary when things go wrong but still, I believe that we're meant to be.

We're figuring each other out in bed more and sex and kissing and basically every little aspect of our relationship just keeps getting better.

It's weird cause you feel like, this is it, this is how much I can love someone, this is the best it's going to be. But then nopeeeee all of a sudden you're in deeper than you were before.

Maybe distance is a good thing in a relationship sometimes; even though it's hard as fuckkkkk.

AWE LAST NIGHT, bae had a bad dream and he woke up crying and I felt so bad. I couldn't do anything to make him feel better and he of course didn't want to talk about it but it seriously broke my heart. He's got so many skeletons in his closet… I just want to rid his life of all of them, and sweep away the cobwebs of bad memories.

It's hard but I know that if he didn't have all those shadows and junk, he wouldn't be who he is today. Would he be the man that I want to spend the rest of my life with? No. So is it a good thing that he had all this bad stuff happen to him? I have no fucking idea.

I guess not, like if I do really love him I'd want him to be happy no matter what. So if I had the chance to go back in time and erase all the bad stuff from his life, even if it could mean him and I not existing in the future, I guess I'd do it.

- Mint.

Today my mom said:

"Have you noticed a difference in the house since you've taken all of your paintings down?"

"Yeah… It feels empty."

"And what about the house?"

"What do you mean?"

"What's the house doing?"

"Mom, just get to the metaphor already."

"Even though the paintings are down, the house is still sturdy and standing."

"Okay…."

"It's you. The paintings are your presence, and the house is everyone you affect in life. Sure you if you cut off relations, or end your existence entirely, the people will still stand. But they'll be much emptier. I know you think you have no affect on people, and that you're invisible, or that no one really cares about whether you're in their lives or not, but that's just not true. It's okay to take up space, it's okay to exist. You affect people, and if you take yourself out of their lives, that's just going to leave them with a feeling of emptiness."

And I think that's the deepest and most understanding thing mom has ever said to me.

I'm going to get the outline of a heart tattooed on my left index knuckle for many a reason:

1. The quote, "The greatest thing you'll ever learn is just to love and be loved in return."
2. To remind myself that I am in fact loved. Not just by a boy, but family and friends.
3. To remind myself to love myself as well.
4. The obvious, "follow your heart"
5. And to remember what mom said to me today. It's not going to be filled in to remind me of the space I would leave in people's lives if I weren't here.

- Mint.

He sent me this the other night:

It's so adorable.

BB and I usually act like children most of the time. We make fun of each other, bother each other, play fight, play tricks; always just goofing off. Sometimes I forget how deep he actually is.

We got him to Lloyd yesterday using my car and his gas money so that he could finally do his orientation to be able to start work today. His company payed for the hotel for the night so I decided to stay because I don't know when I'll see him next and because I miss the fuck out of this little fucker.

We decided to watch a movie after dinner and he needed munchies for the movie, neeeeeeeded, so he nicked out to the store real quick without me and I TOOK ADVANTAGE OF BEING BY MYSELF WITH HIS SUITCASE.

See, the last week or so he's been at his grandmother's and has been bored as fuck. He has my ipad so that we can talk while he's in camp because his phone is fucked right up again, but ipad games can keep one occupied for only so many days.

One day I suggested that he start a blog and write stuff down to pass the time and he totally did. He wrote for like an hour the first time. He said he wrote about all the things on his mind, his family, me, and how he felt about starting his new job and everything.

As soon as he said he wrote about me I was like OMG LEMME READ IT. And of course he said no because it's personallllll.

But fuck, this boy is so mysterious sometimes, I just had to find a way to read it.

So, as soon as he left, I raced over to the ipad and took a peak lmao I DON'T CARE IF YOU THINK IT WAS INVADING HIS PRIVACY, I'M A CURIOUS PERSON OKAY?

He really did write a shit ton lmao, dated it and made paragraphs and everything which for some reason I thought was really cute.

I only really skimmed through it all because I didn't have much time so I read about me first >:3

AND IT WAS SOOOO CUTE OMGGGGG.

He was saying how he's so lucky to have me, how helpful/supportive I've been for him, and how he doesn't know what he'd do without meeeee. He also wrote about how he's excited that we're both slowly getting our shit together because it's better for us and so we can move in together. He mentioned about how he's worried about my drinking and self-harm and junk but that's not a cute part of the story lmao it's just nice to know that he's actually 100% sincere when he talks to me about it.

He talked a lot about his mom too. Until a month ago he hadn't talked to her for 5 years. She used to be a crack head and stuff, but she's clean now and is going to school. He wrote about how he once really hated her and that maybe that's why he had a lot of built up frustration the past few years. But he's glad that their relationship is on the mend.

He wrote about how he wants to be closer to his aunty and grandmother, and how he hates when he gets in fights with them because he really doesn't mean to hurt their feelings, it's just a heated moment thing.

He also wrote about how he's really a super loving guy, but not everyone sees that and it makes him kinda bummed out LOL AWEZZZZ

Anyway, I'm super glad I looked at his lil' journal entries. It was so sincere and I liked to be able to see what's exactly in his head. Just because of all the things people say about him or think about him, my mind likes to second guess the relationship I have with him and always wonders the sincerity of it all.

My time with him yesterday was so good. I felt whole again and all smiley again.

We had a silly string fight while we were driving in the car (it's not safe I don't recommend it lol); I got mad at him for some reason and was trying to give him the silent treatment when we got lost on this dirt road trying to find the orientation office and he kept trying to make me laugh when suddenly he just STOPPED the car in the middle of the road and put the hazard lights on and was like, "WE ARE NOT MOVING FROM THIS SPOT UNTIL YOU LAUGH GODDAMMIT!" and then started tickling me and kissing me all over and I wasn't even mad to begin with lol; I got to sit with him in this room while he did his orientation booklets and we had these wheely chairs and just kept pushing each other on them, fucking each other up; we had a massive pillow fight in the hotel room, which led to like this weird wrestle match thing lol; we got ice from the ice box and then kept hiding from each other around corners and jumping out to scare the other; and then we finallyyyyy got to snuggle and go to sleep.

I missed falling asleep with him so much omg, and our cuddles. Never has anyone been more comfy than BB.

I was big spoon for a little bit before we fell asleep and he was holding my hand and every so often he'd kiss it and I thought it was adorable.

When I'm with him I feel part of a whole, and I feel like this world was meant to be conquered together. Us and the world, and that's all there is.

Sometimes when we're quiet, like when we're smoking together or driving, and are lost in our own thoughts, I'll catch him looking at me, just smiling. Not his cheeky smile, or sexy lip bite smile, or laughing smile, but a really soft one.

"What?" I'll say laughing.

"Nothing." is how he always replies; still looking, still smiling.

He loves me, he really does. This is something I never thought would happen to me. I've even written it down in this blog probably multiple times.

"I will never be loved."

But now I am. It's an odd sensation, finding someone you didn't even know you had lost. I just hope that I don't ever lose the rest of my whole, that's a feeling I don't ever want to find.

UGH NOW I MISS HIM AGAIN.

It'll be better once I know his set schedule though. The lady said that a lot of the crews are being moved around right now so for his training he's going to be all over the place, WHICH MEANS THERE'S A VERY VERY SMALLLL POSSIBILITY THAT HE COULD HAVE MY BIRTHDAY OFF LMAO I won't get my hopes up thoughhhh.

I'll write about my appointment with the psychologist tomorrow if anyone's wondering!

- Mint.

Late night thoughts...

But what if I slip? What if I make a spontaneous mistake? Does that count? Does that mean it's over?

Is that love? Or is that you not wanting to deal with me?

Not being able to deal with me?

Is it me, or is it you?

- Mint.

God I'm so crazy, baby, I'm sorry that I'm misbehaving...

I almost ran over a child today.

I got gas and was leaving the pump, going slow but accelerating as one does.

This child was running, and accelerating as one does.

He was in my blind spot.

We both stopped at the exact same time. He was right beside my window when we froze in time.

It was so scary, I felt so bad.

It was the first time that I realized that life comes with the promise of death.

It was an odd thought, an odd feeling.

I live in a bubble filled with only thoughts about myself. I don't understand when people think of me or care about me.

But when this event happened. I stopped and thought, and worried.

Is this how others view life? Am I absent from this area of life?

Of course I care about people, and think about people that mean a lot to me, but normally people I don't know personally, I don't give a fuck about. I don't think about their lives, theirs faults, ambitions, dreams, past, present, future…

But this little boy, I saw for a total of two minutes…

I cared and worried and wondered.

I thought about life, about death.

Is this how others live life?

- Mint.

My birthday is coming up in like 10 days

Sasha Pivovarova & Andreea Diaconu

Chloé Fall Winter 2014

“Don’t look back.”

On a gravel road in a deserted landscape, two girls make their escape. 

In a spontaneous moment, they seize their chance to run.

All roads lead to adventure.

Lensed by Inez & Vinoodh

I've decided that during my 21st year on this earth, I'm going to dedicate my life to being free.

I'm not saying that I'm going to go explore the world and not be grounded by anything, I'm just saying that I'm going to work really hard on ridding myself of the chains I've shackled myself with, and destroy the walls I've built.

I want to feel like a bird. Fearless.

I want to see things and do them. I want to not care about people. I want to be independent and I want to go somewhere.

I don't want to care so much… I want to be free…

- Mint.

I have an appointment with a psychologist on Tuesday at 2. That's disgusting.

When you're gone it's a weird feeling. I miss you but it's a different kind of miss.

When I miss other people it's like gahhhhh I wanna hang out with you and talk to you. But with youuuuu it's that added to a feeling of emptiness.

When you're gone it's like a chunk of me is missing. You and I together doesn't feel like two people, it just feels like one and that's just so weird.

You're everything I'm not and I'm everything I'm not, but at the same time… we're exactly the same. How does that even make sense?

You look after me so much, and I try to do the same. I feel yin and yang here. Complete opposites that balance each other out.

I miss being your teddy bear at night, and you being mine. I miss that the most, and how our breaths would synchronize.

BUT, THE DAYS WILL ROLL BY AND YOU'LL BE BACK AND THAT'LL BE GOOD.

Your phone call definitely made my day today though. That'll get me through a lot.

Today I came up with a plan in my head that hopefully will stick.

And I'm going to apply to really good places tomorrow so hopefully that works out too!

- Mint

I'm feeling trapped again.

I'm sick of people telling me what to do.

I'm sick of this town.

I'm sick of giving and not receiving squat.

I'm sick of people telling me what's best for me.

I'm sick of people expecting me to be the open book, when they're a fucking safe.

I feel trapped and I can't get out.

B WE'RE WATCHING SEX AND THE CITY WHEN YOU COME HERE CAUSE WE HAZ TALK ABOUT THIS POST RIGHT HERE.

Maybe it's about possession.

- Mint.

I'M BLOGGINGGGGGGGGG

UMMMM HI.

I lost like two weeks of my life to Skins and I'm not even sorry it's amazing.

Also, I was missing that guy a shit ton (let's change his name to BB instead of Dick because of recent events) so I made my brother bring me out to the bar this one Friday and I didn't see him. SO I made my brother bring me out again on Saturday and I still didn't see him so I knew something was up.

I was pissed because the bitch that's now living in my apartment told me that she heard he was dating someone else. I was like really? That fast? After we made everything all better? You turn around and fucking date someone else? I was going insane cause it's like, I COULDN'T EVEN TALK TO HIM I HAD NO IDEA WHERE HE WAS LIKE HI COME BACK THIS ISN'T OVER FUCK YOU BUDDY.

BUT THEN, I found out that he was in fucking jail. I was like OHHHHHHHH THIS MAKES SO MUCH MORE SENSEEEEEEEEE.

But then I was like kay, how long will he be in there? How do I get him out? Is he in town here?

Fuck I missed him so much. I couldn't fall asleep at all. AND THEN BOOM! He messaged me on fb and told me all about it. He was getting out the next day but didn't have anywhere to go because his brother just jumped ship. And he couldn't just go back to our town because of all the beef.

He asked if he could stay in my apartment in Ktown for a few days and I was like, well I'm not gonna let you stay on the streets so yeah.

We had a big conversation about us and decided that we'd see how it goes when I get down there; because I was gonna meet him down there anyway.

ANYWAY LONG STORY SHORT GOT THERE ON A THURSDAY WHICH IS LEVEL NIGHT, WE GOT BACK TOGETHER LIKE INSTANTLY BASICALLY. UMMM ME AND THAT BITCH WENT OUT. SHE GOT ME FUCKING TRASHED. I HAD NO PHONE. NO MONEY. NO KEYS. AND I LOST HER. BUT FOUND HER COUSIN THAT LIVES IN OUR BUILDING SO HE SAID HE'D PAY FOR A CAB FOR US. THAT WAS MY ONLY OPTION.

IN THE CAB HE STARTED GETTING REAL CREEPY. AND THEN HE WAS LIKE COME IN FOR A DRINK. AND I WAS LIKE OH, JUST LET ME GET MY VODKA UPSTAIRS. AND HE WAS LIKE I HAVE VODKA. JUST ONE DRINK, COME ON, I'M NOT A BAD GUY. SO I WAS LIKE FINE.

WE GET IN THERE, AND HE BASICALLY ATTACKS ME. I'M LIKE PINNED UP AGAINST THE KITCHEN CABINETS AND HE'S LIKE FORCING HIS TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I KEEP TRYING TO GO AND HE LIKE LIFTS ME UP AND THROWS ME ONTO THE COUCH AND I'M LIKE WAIT WAIT WAIT WAIT. LET ME GET MY VODKA I'LL BE BACK I PROMISE.

I run upstairs crying and knock on the apartment door. BB answers and is pissed. I guess the bitch's cousin already told her that him and I "made out" and she told BB. He was so pissed. But I eventually got him to believe me and all was good.

UNTIL THE BITCH CAME THE NEXT DAY SAYING SHE HAD VIDEOS OF ME DANCING REALLY SLUTTILY. LIKE WTF BITCH WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS?

Anyway, BB got mad at that too, he obviously doesn't want to hear that whether it's true or not. Butttttt eventually got over it WHEN WE WENT TO THE BEACHHHHHH

I WENT TO THE BEACHHHHH I WENT SWIMMINGGGGGG AND IT WAS FUNNNNN

The real drama started when the bitch wanted us out. It was this huge ordeal and everyone was yelling at me and I got really stressed and trapped feeling and overwhelmed so I decided to cut. And guess who decided to come peak on me in the bathroom? Fucking BB.

I've never seen him so mad omgggg. He took my razor and fucking threw it over the balcony. He hid anything else that was sharp and looked in my bathroom to see if I had anything else.

He phoned my mom and told her and yeah. He was mad. After he cooled down a bit he told me that his mom had self-harmed before and he really didn't want to see me doing that again. He said that I could talk to him about anything, and if there was stuff I couldn't talk about but needed to talk about, I'd need to get someone to help.

Idk, it was all overdone but whatever.

Let's skip to the other night now because I don't know what else to write lolol

BB and I got drunk while playing video games AND I WHIPPED HIS ASS IN FUCKING SUPER SMASH BROS ANDDDD MARIO KART. HAHAHAHA I OWNED HIM, HE WAS BAFFLED.

Then we went to this bar and since he's the town's ex dealer, he knows everyone so we got free drinks and then had this crew lol

I don't know why but whenever we hang out with people he knows they always fucking adore me. Like, they're always telling him that he's got a really good girl, a really good one. "This girl BB, she's amazing!" It's cool lmao

Anyway, so BB is playing pool and I'm sitting at this table with one of his buddy's and talking about love and shit. When these two guys come over to talk to buddy.

Everything's cool, and I keep eyeing up BB because he gets upset if I get to friendly with other guys lmao AND THEN ALL OF A SUDDEN ONE OF THE GUYS JUST FUCKING SMASHES HIS BEER BOTTLE ON THE GROUND AND PUSHES OVER THE TABLE.

AND THEN A FIGHT BREAKS OUT AND SHIT WAS INTENSE LOL I WAS LIKE WTFFFF WHAT JUST HAPPENED.

Soooooo we got kicked out. Both parties, which is fair I guess.

We couldn't go to the town's main bar because BB is banned from there now since jail, so we went to the one beside. BUT GUESS WHAT. THE BITCH OF A BARTENDER SAID BECAUSE OF WHAT HAPPENED AT THE MAIN BAR, HE CAN'T GO TO THAT ONE EITHER WHICH MAKES NO SENSE.

So he leaves, and I leave. And he's pissed, which makes me pissed, and then I drive home. Pissed, and apparently with mario kart on my mind because I was going 180 from the valley to the hill.

I turned a corner sharp and then popped my fucking tire.

We make it to my brother's girlfriend's dad's house, park, and begin walking to my place.

BB is pissed again and is like kicking shit and breaking car side mirrors lmao while he's doing that, I decide that I wanna get hit by a car. So I start walking in the middle of the road. But every time a car came I got chicken or they got chicken lol

Anyway. I made it home, somehow missed BB and decided, KAY. IMMA SLIT MY WRISTS. I'M DOIN IT. I'M DYING.

I got a paring knife and set to work. Buttttttt obviously it didn't work. I just have two big gashes on my right wrist that BB doesn't know exists because I've been wearing a big sweater ever since. Fuck I'm dumb.

After realizing that I wasn't gonna die, I was like shit, I should see where BB is. I run outside, and BOOM! There he is like half a block down the road. Weird timing lolol

Turns out he found this random party after I left and he got free tequila shots and he was like soooo done hahaha I put him into bed and when I came back from getting him water he was on the floor and wouldn't get up lmao after awhile I just left him there hahaha

AND THAT'S MY STORY THE ENDDDDDDD.

And guess whattttt BB and I have technically been together for 3 months, 4 on the day before my birthday. Time flies, it's weird.

- Mint.

Quite simply, it's when one's happiness is your happiness.

But there's so much more. It's when a person is perfect in your eyes, even the imperfections, they make them work.

You smile because they smile and then they smile because you're smiling and you just feel yourselves connecting and it's amazing.

It's when you're with them and you just need to be closer. So you get closer and no matter how close you are, it's just not close enough because your soul is craving theirs. Your soul is just aching to interlock with theirs because they're the other half to your whole.

It's the feeling of regret because you didn't meet them on the day of your birth. You hate that you've missed entire years of their life. But it's a feeling of excitement because you just can't wait for the future. A future with them.

And when they leave... you just feel empty. Something's just missing, a piece of you is missing.

I feel like the positives aren't worth it when the negatives come. And I guess this is what Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind is truly about.

If you find a piece of you that you didn't even know existed, and then you lose it… damn. I'd want to erase my memories of ever finding that piece too. Because honestly, nothing else is going to fill the gap except for them.

It's awful. I hate it.

- Mint.

Queen Bee.

Yesterday and today I've just been feeling this power radiating from within.

I feel like the baddest bitch out there, I feel like mother fucking queen bee.

All the cards are in my hand and no one can get in my way. I'm on fi-yahhhh

I haven't even done anything or talked to anyone, so I have no idea why I'm feeling like this, but god fucking damn, do I ever feel prime.

Let's hope this spark stays, it's nice to feel hot.

- Mint.

No one ever wants to live with me :( growing up I've always wanted to be neighbours with my best friend. And growing up I always dreamed about living with my bestie. But no one, no matter how close we are, wants to live with me :( everyone hates meeeeeee, I'm too obnoxioussssss blahhhhhhhhhhh

That's so shitty. I'm good for nothing.

BLAH

I'm totes an alcoholic lmao I tried soooo hard this week not to drink and I thought I made it but I totally forgot that I got buzzed the other night when I watched Pulp Fiction LUUUUUUUL OOPZ.

Whatever, I love rum. It's delicious. And smokes. MMMMMM SHMOKEZ.

UM I HAVE NOTHING ELSE TO BLOG ABOUT.

I'M BORED AND LONELY LUL WHATEVVVVVV.

Screw titles, they're just labelling shit B)

If this whole relationship was a shit ton of lies, it at least had some positives.

I've because more comfortable with my messy hair, and makeupless face. I've been able to tell my mom about all the things I've been hiding from her these past 5 years, and I've been able to wear shorts around the house.

So I guess that's worth it.

In other news, I've been falling into old habits. Black coffee, smokes, and apples.

These anti-social anxiety pills kill my appetite. I don't really care about food, and I have no interest in anything sweet. It's amazing.

In a few days my prescription will be upped a bit too so maybe that'll increase all of this.

The pills are cool too because when bad things happen I don't usually hate myself (unless I'm drunk), I just feel empty. Which sucks but I mean, it's better I think.

It's three in the afternoon and I still haven't finished my apple from breakfast. I've got about a quarter of it left.

Ahhhhh, I love this. I haven't been able not to binge in my house since I was like 13. Yay drugs!

- Mint.

The gap between my knees is finallyyyyyyy back. I haven't seen that since 2011. :)

*dying whale noises*

UGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

GUYZ I DID SUMTHIN MATURE

I took a deep breath today.

I'm not a mature person, never have, never wanted to. Ever since I turned 6 I was over life, and dreaded growing older every day.

I don't know if this is why my life is in such shambles right now, but I think it could be a very strong variable that I should be aware of.

The bitch that is moving into my apartment down in Kelowna while I'm in Hinton/Edmonton is the same girl that he-who-shall-not-be-named apparently cheated on me with.

After our finale, I wanted soooo badly to ruin their lives. I was going to get my keys back from the bitch and wait until she was in Ktown to tell her that she had no place to live. I was going to tell Dick's (that's going to be his name. Dick. Short for "mother fucking ass wipe of a dick") brother's wife or whatever she is, that the two of them are dealers. I was going to make it a mission to ruin both of their lives. People don't fuck with me.

But I started thinking that shit, maybe that's mean. Shit, maybe that's high school. Shit, maybe I'm going down to their level.

In classic Mint fashion, I had argued both sides to the point where I had no idea what to do. My heart speaks first, my head listens and analyzes and then god fucking damn, my head tells my heart it's thoughts and then my heart has no idea what to do.

I asked my mom, I asked B, and they both said to do whatever. SUCH HELP, THANKZ.

But honestly, asking for someone's opinion can only do so much. In the end, the decision is yours to make.

So I do what I do best and followed my intuition (that always works for me). I looked at the time, 1:48, and thought, "Okay, by the time I get my laptop out, and tumblr up, it'll be 1:50. I'll scroll through my dash for exactly 10 minutes, and then I'll make the decision."

I prayed for a sign and began scrolling. At exactly 2, I saw the photo above. And it spoke to me.

(P.S yes I know I'm crazy because this is ridiculous sounding, the whole situation, I KNOW, SORRY.)

I thought, "Shit! This is growing up. Accepting reality, moving on, not lingering. JUZT KEEP SWIMMIN', YOU KNOW? It's hard, but that's life, real life.

"Taking steps is easy, standing still is hard"

The revenge I was planning didn't even have any real benefit to me. What has happened has happened, I can't change that. Not allowing money to come in just because she could or could not be a slut makes no sense. It's not like when I steal money from douchebags who talk shit about me or my friends. Like, THAT'S different, I get something physical from that lmao

So yeah, revenge is off. And plus, it'll be good to have her out of this town when I'm still here right? Peace of mind? I think so.

Anyway, just wanted to let you know about my little mature victory.

- Mint.

I sound like a fucking love-sick puppy and I hate it because I don't want to feel this way because I know you're a dick.

It's funny because this relationship started with needing you to know who I really was.

I needed you to understand what you'd be dealing with. I needed you to see my fear. I needed you to know, because I didn't want to hurt you.

It's just ironic that this is exactly what happened.

I made you watch Breakfast at Tiffany's because that's who I am, to a tee.

We watched it and I thought you understood, you said you understood, I believed you understood. So I breathed in, and took the leap down towards where you stood waiting for me.

I gave you my heart and tried my best not to fuck it up.

It's just funny because exactly a month later, our time together was over. It's funny because on the day that always brought me good luck (Friday the 13th), was the day you chose to shatter the parts of me that you had built up.

It's funny because it was classic Tiffany's. You were jealous and frustrated because I was still not wanting to admit that you had all of me; I was timid, still not believing people could truly belong to people (especially with what people had been telling me about you).

Except, instead of giving me the speech about love and how people can and do belong to people… followed by you looking for cat… followed by me racing out after you and then kissing because you had beat down the last wall I had standing… well, you let me throw that poor old slob without a name into the rain… and then you simply followed suit, without a single word.

They say if you love something, let it go. If it comes back to you, it's yours; if not, it never was.

You told me that the time the two robins landed beside us. I took it as a sign, because I was trying to run away in fear, but the universe already knew I had come back to you.

I came back again and again. After every little bump in the road, I came back. I put my heart on the line for you to do as you pleased. I trusted, I stayed on your side, I readjusted myself; anything to make you happy. To me, that's love, your happiness is my happiness.

But I guess to you my happiness isn't your happiness. And balance in our relationship, that is not.

I'm scared that you're not going to come back. I'm scared that you were never mine. I'm scared that everything I chose to disbelieve was the actual truth.

That's why I'm so angry. I allowed this all to happen and you're right, I have to live with the consequences. I just pray that the consequences aren't locked into place. I hope you were mine…

I hope you come back…

I hope I had something, even for just a second.

- Mint.

I'm burning white-hot mother fucker.

I'm not the type of person to go down without a fight, not anymore anyway.

I learnt early in high school that if I let things slide, if I take shit from people… well, I just harbour hate that blooms into self-destruction; and I feel like I'm better than that.

Never have I gotten my just dessert and have felt guilt. It makes me feel even. And again, I'd never do what I do if it wasn't warranted.

I'm a fire sign, but not a strong, steady glow. I'm a leo, a wild fire. I react according to what you give me. One second I'm tame, then next I'm swallowing you whole.

I'm not meant to stay still, it's not my nature. I'm meant to make waves, move fucking mountains.

Wherever I go, you'll know I was there; I have a fucking presence. And yes, I sound so fucking full of myself here but fuck it. It's my blog, my mind. If I feel this way about myself for even a split second, I should be allowed to express it.

Right now I feel like I'm a wild card. I can be anything and everything, and I'll make you know it.

All I'm saying here is that I'm pissed. That I allowed myself to be fucked again, that I opened up, and trusted, and it was all for nothing. And guess who got bumped off board once again? Me.

You don't do that to a young Italian female leo who was born in the year of the rooster. I mean, that's just asking for it. You also don't do that to someone who straight up told you, told you both that it's not a good idea to fuck with me.

I've told you the stories of past occurrences, why do you think I'd treat you two any better? Especially when you didn't trust me enough to believe that I went against your fake ass fucking morals.

When we first got together you told me, "Whatever you do, please, please, don't cheat." I simply told you not to fuck with my heart.

I'm glad one of us stuck to our morals at least… unfortunately for you though, you're in check at the moment, and your king isn't looking too hot, babe.

- Mint.

Everything happens for a reason. You need to believe in this. Because if you don't you're going to lose hope in life. And apparently life is good.

But golly gee damn, am I fucking losing it.

Everything gets worse and worse. Sure, there are light patches but in general, things are going down, down, downnnnn.

And guess who's digging this shit? Me. I make everyone around me hate me. No one wants to be near me, I'm toxic. I'm alone.

Fuck I wish I could kill myself.

Take caution within your mind.

Maybe I'll go to school for two years for fashion, and then another for graphic design, and then see what happens.

I don't know. Don't think too far ahead.

First thing's first, fix your stupid head.

- Mint.

I need to get out.

I was just thinking about how creative I used to be before university.

All I did in school was doodle. I used to love drawing on the desk the most. The feeling of the pencil on the varnish felt so smooth. I remember once in grade 12 my math teacher almost gave me detention for doodling on the desk so much (I didn't own an eraser).

Another time in grade 12, when stuff started getting really bad, and I wasn't even trying at all. I'd sit there during my exams and just doodle all over the pages and then hand it in.

I remember in 6th grade when my teacher wanted me to get my stories published. I remember roleplaying in the neopets chat rooms. Creating worlds and building them with others.

Grade 12, spring break. I got a few friends to come over, and we spent the afternoon drawing on the sidewalks with chalk. We filled about half the block and we made it into the paper.

The very first thing I wanted to be when I was little was an artist. And then a singer, and then an actress until I was 13.

I remember getting my first camera when I was 12, about to turn 13. It was a crappy digital one, but I got so into it so quickly, I decided I needed something better. BOOM, dropped $500 on a camera with major zoom and macro and I just went to townnnnn.

When I got into film, whenever I'd have a roll developed, the lady at the counter would always comment on how she liked my photos.

When I was a cake decorator, my old boss from the deli was adamant about me changing my degree in school to fine arts.

When I create something, apparently I do it well.

I made videos, I wrote scripts, I had ideas, dreams, imagination. I had thoughts.

I was never interested in jobs that weren't creative. I didn't think anyone was actually. But as we started growing up people started speaking about accounting, and geology, and science, and teaching, fucking law. I was honestly bamboozled. I thought they were kidding, trying to sound mature. But I'm starting to realize that they might actually be into that sort of thing.

Anyway, what I'm trying to get to here is that I think I might be onto something. I think what stops me from moving forward is not knowing exactly which steps I'll be taking, and exactly where I'll be going.

Whenever I try to think of like a "life plan" it always includes every individual step. I make the plan soooo exact that I get overwhelmed because, "what if it doesn't work out?" "what if I'm not good enough?" "what if I get bored?" "is this really what I want to do?"

I ask myself these questions and then get overwhelmed and end up doing nothing. So I should stop that.

Also, this "creative block" thing I've got goin' on here. This, "haven't been doodling and drawing and having ideas" thing. I think it's because I've gotten too trapped in my own mind.

I've built walls keeping myself in, keeping the world out.

And if I'm stuck inside myself, how can I get anything out? If the outside can't get in, how can it have any influence on my mind?

I need to get out. I need space to stretch and breathe. I need to be able to open my eyes again. I need fluidity. I need infinity.

I need to figure out how to do that.

- Mint.

Second post of the day.

Imma just rant here for a second because I'm angry.

I don't understand people at all. I've already talked about this before many times, but fuck it, it's my blog, it's my mind, and I can talk about anything I fucking want on here.

I don't understand why people can't be straight up. If you're bothering them, why, the fuck can't people grow a pair and tell you? Or build a fucking bridge, bite your tongue, and deal until you get over it?

Like what the fuck. "Passive aggressive"? My fucking ass. I'm talking about Morgan.

I felt like she was mad at me, saw the opportunity to see into her mind because she left her fb logged in to my laptop, saw that she was fucking mad at me, confronted her, apologized, talked about it, gave her time and space, and then came back.

But her and fucking Dill are both still ignoring me. Morgan is blaming it like, "Oh, I take forever to get back to people!" YEAH FUCKING RIGHT. YOU'RE ALWAYS ON FB. YOU NEVER FORGET TO GET BACK TO DILL OR ANYONE ELSE.

BUT I GUESS THAT'S BECAUSE THEY'RE YOUR FRIENDS, AND I'M JUST PEOPLE.

Like, fuck. Sorry I passed out in the cab because of my fucking medication. Sorry that I thought that you made me pay for the cab both ways, BECAUSE IT'S FUCKING HAPPENED BEFORE.

Like fuckkkkk me. Don't just ignore me. That's the worst possible thing anyone could do to me, ignore me. I'm not fucking kidding here either. When you ignore a lonely person who lives off of human interaction, you kill them. It drives me crazier than I already am, and fucking hell, am I insane right now.

Everyone is slamming doors in my face right now. Every. Single. Person.

And it's almost ironic because, back in high school when my sanity was beginning to slip from my fingertips I thought, "Shh! Keep it a secret! If you let it out, people will swamp you with help that you don't want!"

And now, now that I'm actively looking and askinggggg for fucking help, no one is giving a damn. Everyone is turning a blind eye, ignoring me, closing the fucking door.

No one is ever on my side about anything either. Like, you don't even have to agree with what I'm saying, I really don't give a damn. Whenever I rant to someone all I want to hear is you saying, "Omg really? What the fuck! Noooo, what!?" I don't want to hear, "Well you know you do that a lot." or, "You had it coming." if I'm talking to you about a personal problem; about someone who means something to me, and who is slipping away due to a fault that I already knowwww I created, I don't need you to be playing the defence. I really don't because that kills me even more.

It reminds me of my mom when I was having problems in high school. It's just another fucking door in my face. I'm sorry, I just wanted to say something because it's eating me up you know. I just want to rant. Hell, when I wake up tomorrow I'll be fine.

I'm just really bothered about having no one here with me right now. I'm so angry about being the mess I am, and ruining all the relationships I create. I'm a fucking mess and deserve it, I know. I just don't want to go to people for an ear, and get the fucking mirror in return.

UGHHHH THAT'S NOT EVEN WHAT THIS POST IS ABOUT.

I JUST WISH I WASN'T FUCKED.

THAT WOULD SOLVE ALL MY PROBLEMS.

IF I WASN'T FUCKED I WOULDN'T MESS UP RELATIONSHIPS. I WOULDN'T BE ALONE RIGHT NOW. I WOULDN'T BE SO NEEDY. I WOULDN'T BE IN PEOPLE'S FACES ALL THE TIME. I WOULDN'T BE ME AND THAT'D JUST BE SO FUCKING GREAT GODDAMMIT I HATE MYSELF. SO FUCKING MUCH. GODDAMMIT. GOD FUCKING DAMMIT…

Get me out of hereeeeee, get me out of my head…….

please.

- Mint.

Holy fuck it's the 7th.

How the hell is it already the 7th? What have I even been doing these last few days?

I can't remember exactly what I've done but I know it includes feeling sorry for myself, alcohol, and at night, if drunk Mint is still awake, singing sad songs at the top of my lungs over the edge of my deck. It's drunk Mint's new favourite thing to do apparently. She's waiting for someone to applaud, and for romance.

I really do hate these pills though. They make me sleepy and hurt my stomach. And as soon as you put any liquor into me, I pass out in like an hour. One of these past few days I like forced myself through it, and forced myself to stay awake. I think I was up until 11.

Yesterday, I passed out (ps is it past or passed because I really have no idea) at around 2, woke up at 6, and couldn't fall asleep until 5. Then woke up near 11 this morning. The reason I couldn't fall asleep is because I was just feeling really fucking anxious and terrible about myself.

SO THESE PILLS AREN'T EVEN WORKING.

IF ANYTHING I'M FEELING WORSE.

I'm fucking afraid to leave my apartment. I'm scared of anyone looking at me, noticing my existence. I'm afraid to drive. Like FUCK. ME.

The depression is bad right now too. I'm so fucking alone and everyone around me is so busy and going here and going there. Doing this and that, planning, succeeding, trying. I'm just here. Literally just sitting here.

My mind is so corrupt I can't focus on anything. I have no ideas or thoughts, just negative energy. I've destroyed my mind. And I'm only 20. Like what the hell am I going to do?

Anxiety and depression stop me from doing anything. It stopped me from taking French, it stopped me from school all together, made me quit my bar tending course, pushes me away from people, mutes my mind from hopes and dreams.

LIKE FUCK. This is so not far. This is supposed to be the best years of my life and I'm wasting them away by being afraid to go outside.

It's not fair. What the hell did I do to deserve feeling like this? Why the fuck can't I stop it.

Mind over fucking matter. Why can't I get it? Why do I fight myself, contradict myself. I hate me. I hate my brain. I hate what my life is.

- Mint.

Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind.

Last night my roomie officially moved out.

It wasn't a fun night.

My fridge is so empty without all her food.

Last night I stared out the window for about an hour. No thoughts, just emptiness.

I eventually caved and bought some rum, got drunk, and sang sad songs off of my balcony; fell asleep in a puddle of my own tears again.

I learnt that my anti-anxiety pills make you drowsy when taken with alcohol, so that's why I've been passing out so hard lately. The doc doubled my dose.

I woke up this morning, alone. Numb. Sad. Alone. Lonely...

Breakfast at Tiffany's, that's exactly what I needed and that's exactly what I watched. It's kinda cool because it's Audrey Hepburn's birthday today so in a way I'm glad that I had the mean reds today.

I realized that I like watching movies about lonely people because it makes me feel good to know that other people are just as lonely as I am. Even if they're fictional, someone had to feel that loneliness to be able to write about it you know?

I also watched Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind and Somewhere yesterday and they're both amazing.

"How happy is the blameless vestal's lot!

The world forgetting, by the world forgot.

Eternal sunshine of the spotless mind!

Each pray'r accepted, and each wish resign'd"

That fucking spoke to me. It hit home, and it meant something. I'm going to get "eternal sunshine" tattoo'd on the side of my right hand. It's perfect.

Anyway, I'm sad and totally alone and pathetic and poetic. I feel like van Gogh.

A full heart but with no one to share it with. Maybe I should cut off my ear.

- Mint.

It was raining and I was sad. It stopped raining and I was still sad.

Yesterday was terrible.

Roomie is moving out and it just feels like everyone's leaving because everyone is leaving.

Either going home for the summer, or travelling, or because they don't need me.

I'm so alone and it's a gross feeling.

Yesterday I got really drunk and real sad and I cried a whole bunch and I really needed a hug but I had no one to hug.

I went to T's house because I really wanted to return his book because I felt like I had it for far too long and also after returning it, I'd have no reason to see him again which would be awesome.

I went there and I was still kinda crying and I returned his goddamn book and he was like, "Are you drunk?"

I laughed, "I'm always drunk." I said emotionlessly, then turned and started going back towards my car.

"You shouldn't be driving!" He yelled back at me.

"I'M FINEEEE" I yelled back.

I drove back home and went back to my room and cried until I passed out.

I hate people. I hate how I need them.

And I hate anxiety and how it's ruining my life.

And I hate my life. And I hate myself for not having enough courage to end it.

I hate how sometimes I think I'm worth enough to make it better.

I hate myself I hate myself I hate myself

More than anything or anyone.

And it's funny because that's all I have.

- Mint.

"Don't ever tell anybody anything. If you do, you start missing everybody."

That was the first 2014 entry I wrote in my journal.

A whole page dedicated to a lesson I simply can't learn.

It's a quote from my favourite book, The Catcher in the Rye (B I want that book back soon btw, I want to reread it) and I feel like it's one of the most relevant quotes in my life.

People who know nothing about you, people that you've never shared anything with, you don't miss them when they leave. You haven't really connected with them on any level so your soul feels no pull.

But the people who you've cut yourself open for, the ones you've given your blood to, the ones you've dedicated a corner of your heart to… when they leave, you miss them. It's terrible.

You've made yourself vulnerable by sharing and then you feel the terrible feeling of longing and it's gross. I don't like it, and it makes my stomach sink.

Anyway, I woke up this morning wanting to die as usual. But somehow I got inspired to get rid of some of the baggage in my room. Just cleaning mess, organizing space really. I opened my window wide, and pushed my curtains aside.

I read my old journals, and here I am. Sat upon my bed, writing and looking out the window. I'm watching clouds hang and people move. I feel like Carrie Bradshaw. You know, she writes at her desk that faces a window. It's lovely.

I still want to die though. But I guess that's just life.

I wish I had money. I really want to get my finger tattoos and I want to get a my first coloured tattoo! I want to get one of van Gogh's sunflowers on my left forearm. I don't know if I want it on the crease of my elbow or further down but yeahhhhh I want it!

He's my favourite artist. I absolutely love all of his work, and I love his story. I want the sunflower because it's sort of my flower. My mom and a few other people used to call me sunshine before all this shitty stuff made my brain disgusting. They called me sunshine and my mom would get me sunflowers when I was sick, or for celebrations and such. As all of you know as well, I'm a leo and my planet is the sun, and my flower is the sunflower so yeah it's kinda personal that way.

I'm more into black and white tattoos but I really want this one in colour because the yellow is important.

Have you seen that quote before on tumblr? The one that talks about how van Gogh used to eat yellow paint because he was desperate to get the happiness inside of him?

That's powerful. Everyone has their yellow paint. Everyone is desperate for happiness and they seek it in many forms; love, money, success, knowledge, power, control...

I think it's important to have the sunflower in colour because it's like, nature. Seek happiness in nature. Let your yellow be the earth.

Anyway, I'm just ranting now. I should finish fixing my room.

I'm really glad I'm writing and thinking and even painting (I painted yesterday!) again. I guess a week of sobriety is all I needed.

- Mint.

I'm really stressed because I'm crashing hard and fast.

I ended up coming back to K-town.

It was really dramatic actually. I was packing, and mom was packing, and I ended up having a panic attack because I knew I had to tell mom that I wanted to go by myself.

The time finally came and we yelled and I cried and then we yelled some more and then I marched off and drove away.

My mom and I don't understand each other right now at all. She doesn't understand distance doesn't mean abandonment. She doesn't get what goes on in my head, and why things are difficult for me.

I know talking wouldn't help either. I've tried to do that but she twists everything and then I get frustrated and yell which makes her really upset. She hears yelling and thinks it's really violent and angry. But when I yell it's just me talking really. When I scream however, that's when one should look out. That's when Mint has blown up.

Anyway, I left and I felt better not that far down the road. I was feeling confident. I was going to get back and do the damn bar exam, see the stupid doctor, and get a roommate. I'd get all my baggage sorted out, so that when I went back to my hometown, I wouldn't be haunted by anything. I'd be free and happy, and my soul would be at peace. However, halfway to my destination, I learnt that mom was following me back to K-town, and would be staying at my place for a few days.

That cracked any confidence or motivation I had towards getting anything done. Having my mom come back with me felt like having a crutch. My spirit was shattered.

Safe to say that I didn't find a roommate, OR finish my dumb exam yet…

Mom made me go to the doctor's though… the doctor was a bitch. But I've come to realize that I'll think they're all bitches.

This one was a bitch because she said my anxiety was a phase and it's just because of hormones. She doubled my dosage and told me to come back in three weeks to see how it's worked.

Apparently my original dose was so small that I wouldn't have felt any difference anyway. I was just given it so that I had something in my system. But yeah, now I'm double dosing it. Hopefully it works. It's actually an anti-depressant so it'd be sweet to kill two birds with one stone here.

I was really pissed though that the lady wouldn't refer me to a psychiatrist though. She said I didn't need it but I'm thinking that's because she thinks that's the only reason I'm there (because I won't tell mom about the other shit). So, when I go see the doctor again (which will be by myself), I'm going to be straight up and tell her everything.

Because I really want to talk to someone who will get what I'm saying and listen even if it's just because it's their job. I want to sort shit out. I want to stop feeling like crap all the fucking time. I hate hating myself. I'd like to be able to focus on something as well. Like reading a book and studying and stuff. To have a clear mind without haze would be amazing. Just think of the things I could do...

Side note: Mom is seeing her doctor on Wednesday because ever since she retired (4 months ago), she's been feeling "empty" and as if "she has no purpose" or "reason to get up in the morning". I asked if this is the first time she's ever felt empty and she said yes and I told her she was fucking lucky. She's 50 and this is the first time she's felt empty or numb? Lucky bitch.

She's done research too and she thinks she has borderline personality disorder. However, I seem to fit the criteria better than she does. She also thinks that her ex (my dad) has narcissistic personality disorder. However, my brother seems to fit that criteria better. So it's official. My family is made up of loons and we're all completely fucked.

Awesome.

- Mint.

I don't understand anything.

I DON'T GET PEOPLE FOR SO MANY DIFFERENT REASONS IT'S INCREDIBLE.
I DON'T EVEN UNDERSTAND MYSELF.

I got back to my hometown Saturday night, and I already have to get myself out. I'm leaving in about an hour.

I think this need to get out of my hometown might be self-inflicted though. Actually, I'm sure it is. It's my fucking brain that's fucked.

It's self-inflicted because I got home, went out and saw a shit ton of people from my old high school, went and explored said old high school with B, watched the entire series of Freaks and Geeks, and watched some glee.

Everything was so fucking high school related. So now, everywhere I turn, I'm automatically transported to every single shitty time of my life. It's just like when I go to my old campus. I go there and I become a ghost; forever reliving my dark times. Forever and ever, over and over.

It's terrible. It's a bad dream that can only be escaped by leaving all together.

It's really ironic though because I came home because I needed a breather from K-town. I was a tornado of chaos who needed peace. But I get home and it's just fucking worse.

I'm running. From current chaos, and past lives.

Everything is self-inflicted and I really need to do something about it.

My mom and I were planning on going to K-town for like 2 days just so that we could fix some things with the apartment, so that I could go see a doctor, finish my bar tending degree, and interview a possible future summer roomie. We were going to do that, and then come right back for the rest of my visit back home (aka until the 9th).

But last night the ghosts were real, and vivid. I went into mom's room crying and said that I wasn't going to come back after Kelowna.

I didn't give her details because I know she doesn't know about anything that bothers me. And she wouldn't understand either. She'd twist it and turn it so that I was leaving because I hated her or something.

I ended up telling her this morning though that I had to leave because everything was reminding me of the eleven years I spent in this house. But of course she didn't want to have it.

I feel bad because I know mom wants a good visit with her daughter. She lives for it; don't believe me if you don't want to but it's true.

She tried to barter with me like, "We'll go to Kelowna for those couple days and then come back for like a week. So it's not the whole time."

BUT I DON'T CARE. ANYTIME IS TOO MUCH TIME. Like she doesn't listennnnn. She goes on and on about how I don't open up to her and I finally do and she just brushes it aside. I wish she would stop making me feel guilty about every little decision I make. I wish she'd bud out of every detail of my life.

I can't handle being with her for prolonged amounts of time. Even though she's always fucking working when I'm with her anyway.

Like I mean, she's fucking retired and everyday I've been here, she's been working all day. How does any of this make sense?

Whenever I come home I lose all control. I eat everything, I hate everything, I blow up. I can't shower, I can't get up, I can't do anything.

The only real difference between here and K-town though is definitely the food issue. When I'm home I non-stop eat. I'll be soooo fucking full and just shove more down my fucking throat. I'm just looking for feelings. Any feelings to avoid the coldness of the lingering memories. However when I'm in K-town I eat once a day and then fill up on rum and diet coke.

I'm crashing anywhere I go and I decided that I need to see someone.

I wonder if it'll work. But I need to face reality. There's stuff I want to do in life, but the mess in my head is stopping me from doing anything and everything. I need to see someone, and talk about everything. Just be fucking honest.

It'll be hard but I'm learning quickly that the only person who can help you is yourself. No one's going to make me see a doctor. My soul can't fix my brain without a mirror reflecting and guiding. And no one's going to pick me off the floor when I cut too deep, or drink too much.

The only karma that you'll get back is the karma that you've put out into the universe for yourself.

Sure you can help someone out, I mean, don't be selfish here. But I'm saying do you actually want to help that person? If you help someone that you don't want to help, you're going to get shit all back. I just learnt that recently and it's so true I swear.

Anyway, the point here is that I can run all I want, but until I fix my rotten brain, I'm not going to feel any better about anything. So I'm going to go fix it. Hopefully it works. Hopefully I get better.

I know this post was about how I don't understand people, but if I start on that now, this post will double in size. Let's just say that I don't understand why people can't think about anyone other than themselves. Is this normal? To only think about yourself, and no one else?

My friends from my hometown, my friends from K-town, B's friends from our hometown. Everyone is selfish. No one fucking listens. No one fucking cares.

I remember when I was in high school and straight up told some friends that I was starving myself, or that I wanted to kill myself. No one did anything. No one had any concern. I thought that it was just because we were in high school and everyone feels uncomfortable with themselves in high school; so my problems weren't actual problems. But it just keeps seeming to follow.

I know that when I have a friend that's acting odd or different or expresses some problems they've been having, my problems are non-existent. I ask them questions, try to give advice, check up on them every so often. Like even if they don't come up to me and say they're having problems, if I notice something, I ask.

If I did miss something, I'm so sorry. I really am. Don't think I don't care. Because I most definitely care. A lot.

BUT WHY DON'T OTHERS? I DON'T GET IT. I DON'T GET PEOPLE.

- Mint.

Wow I haven't blogged in so long, let's try to catch up.

1. B came for her visitttttt. She was supposed to stay for 4 weeks, but we went too hard and she only had enough money for 2 weeks. I was really sad when she left :( It's odd how fast you get used to having someone by your side 24/7. When she left, we were on shaky terms, but it still felt like hell going home alone.
2. I'm selling drugs now. That's cool.
3. T and I had been hanging out every so often and texting a lot. We even slept together, he was my first. But then one day I was selling him some shit and I scratched his car and now he hates me. He'll reply to my texts to be polite, but there's no real conversation. We don't hang out anymore. Like fuck.
4. Do you remember that one time in September when I passed out in the parking lot in front of my apartment and these guys found me and took me in for the night? Well I saw the guy one night when B and I were out and I ended up going home with him and fooling around. It turns out that he's a real fucking dick though and he called B fat and I was fucking pissed. No one has no right to say anything about anyone's body. Like, that's personal. And none of your fucking business. So anyway, this week I went out to the club with him and his friends. Ended up leaving really early with his roommate, slept with his roommate in HIS FUCKING BED, stole 80 bucks off his dresser, and took the mother fucker's whiskey. No one calls my bitch fucking nothing.
5. I also slept with this aussie that T doesn't like yesterday morning. I woke up really early and just wanted to cuddle someone so I texted him and he said to come over and then one thing led to another and then yup, I slept with him. We actually blend really well and he seems like a pretty good guy so there's that.
6. Oh I went to a bar by myself earlier this week. So pathetic I know, I'm getting to that.
7. I also met this group of guys the day after St. Patty's and I went to their place after the pub and just chilled and drank and shit. They're all best friends from Calgary but they're all really funny and they thought I was funny and I got to become part of their crew. One of the guys (he's a leo too) really interested me, and when everyone went to bed we stayed up for a couple of hours just talking about philosophical shit and then ended up making out and stuff.
8. B and I were drunk for 30 hours straight one day when she was here hahaha it was fucking amazing. We were so fucked it was hilarious. MAAM, MAAM THIS MCCHICKEN SAUCE IS NOT FOR YOU MAAMMMM. OH MY SWEET SALLY'S FUCKING WEENIES.
9. Oh we also went to this arcade thing that's here and we played mini golf and I'd never done that before so that was cool. I fucking suck at it lmao we also rode go karts (I rock at that), and rode a roller coaster simulator and that was sweet too lol
10. OHHHH WE ALSO WENT TO THIS BAR AND SAW LIVE MUSIC AND GOT A FREE CD AND GOT IT SIGNED AND SHIT
11. WE ALSO WENT TO A COMEDY NIGHT
12. I also tried to run out on my tab at this one place but I forgot to tell B that that's what I was doing and she got so mad lol drunk Mint is a fucking bitch.
13. B AND I ALSO WENT TO MULTIPLE PARKSSSSS AND PLAYED ON SWINGS AND TEETER TOTTERS AND CLIMBED UP ON THIS TALL THING AND WATCHED THE SUN SET. SO ROMANTIC.
14. We also ate so much fucking pizza omg. But somehow I lost 5 pounds.
15. I miss you B… :(
16. Oh I crashed my car again while I was driving back to Alberta. It was one in the morning, the roads were shit, no one was on the roads, and when I crashed I had no service. That was fucking scary. But I got a ride from a semi driver, slept in a hotel room all by myself, got my car towed in the morning, realized that my car was fucked, got mom to come get me, bought a new car while in Alberta because I needed to get back to Kelowna to work after a couple of days. Which sucked because I miss my old car soooo much. I'm still in love with it.
17. The reason I went to AB in the first place was because I was going crazy and I told my mom that I wanted a pill to help with my anxiety. I went to a walk in and the dr said that I'd need to find a family dr in Kelowna so that I can be properly diagnosed and so that they can play with prescriptions. But she gave me a prescription for this one anti-depressant/anti-anxiety medication just so that I had something started. But now it's 3 weeks later and I still haven't gone to see the dr. I'm too fucking scared. Embarrassed. I feel like I'm not sick enough for help. I'm fine I'm fine I'm fine. I'm just a fucking wimp, you know?
18. The medication made me feel really nauseous, drowsy, and gave me a dry mouth in the beginning. So whenever I went to work I was so fucking thankful for my coffee. But then we got a new manager who was a bitch and changed everything which is dumb and she said you can't have coffee in the front. So I tried to live without it but I couldn't so I quit lolol
19. I wasn't really afraid of quitting because I had signed up for a bar tending course. So I really don't need retail behind me, even though you should never quit on the spot. Oh well. Anyway, I've been too nervous to show up for my course… The instructor said I could come the week after, but that came and went. I told him straight up that my anxiety was getting the better of me and that I really don't want to do it, and that it's fine. He reassured me though and so I'm going to my first class tomorrow. He said that there's only 2 other girls in there so hopefully they're nice. Hopefully I can get my ass to class tomorrow. Fingers crossed…
20. Oh that guy that I met in number 7, he spent all his cash on college night at this club we were at and legit had no way to get home. His friends all flew, but he was waiting to buy his greyhound ticket because he wasn't exactly sure when he was wanting to leave. BUT YEAH, HE SPENT ALL HIS MONEY AND I THOUGHT, HEY, I'LL DRIVE YOU. 8 HOURS THERE, 8 HOURS BACK. SURE. GOOD KARMA POINTS. GOOD GRACIOUS HEART. It made me feel like a really good person, but hopefully I get something back from all of this.
21. I went out on Friday night with Dill and Morgan but I ended up passing out in the cab on the way there so my friends asked them to bring me back home while they went out. I was soooo black out drunk I have no idea how that happened. The cab cost 36 bucks apparently so I was so pissed because I thought that my friends made me pay for both ways. Which wasn't the case apparently because Morgan told me that they payed for the ride down. So I def got screwed over somewhere.
22. Morgan and Dill always use my computer for FB when they're here and always forget to log out so I always peak through their messages because I'm a bad fucking person. Anyway, I found out the Morgan was really fucking pissed at me for that night because apparently after every time we go out together I act like a passive-aggressive bitch. And apparently if we do something that wasn't in "my" plan. I bitch about it after. Which makes no sense because I always want a fucked up night of running around. That's how you meet people, that's how you go on adventures. It just hurts reading that sort of stuff you know? Reminds me of high school. But like, it's my fault for reading it. I created my own pain here. But it just makes me feel lonelier than ever.
23. I'm chaotic right now. It's the perfect way to describe it. I'm a flame. And I'm out of control right now. I'm a fucking forest fire. Engulfing everything in flames. Destroying everything I love, everything I hate. Mindlessly running, mindlessly acting. Nothing makes sense.
24. Roomie is leaving in a couple weeks and I have to find someone else to live with me. My uni friends are leaving soon for the summer because school is over. Saydee is gone. T hates me. Dill and Morgan are leaving at the end of August for Van and I probably won't because A) They hate me B) I'm broke as fuck. Even if the aussie does seem awesome and everything's cool with him, he's leaving back to Australia at the end of summer too. Like legit I'm here alone. And I have no money. And no plan. And I'm flipping the fuck out. And I'm so scared to do anything. And I'm so alone. I'm so alone. I'm so alone, someone help me…
25. I need a drink.

SO THAT'S WHAT A COFFEE DATE IS...

So the coffee date went from noon to about 9 in the morning…

We went and had coffee, went for a drive, walked his dog, tried to play video games, decided to get drunk, got wasted, watched comedy, went to mcdicks, came back, watched hockey, and I decided I wanted to pass out at like 9 at night.

He obviously did not want to pass out because almost as soon as we got into his bed, we were making out.

I told him he didn't want me. I said that I have no experience, and that he might end up living with Dill  and I so it could get awkward fast. But he just said that he didn't care, but we didn't have to do anything if I didn't want to.

Obviously though I was already in the situation so I continued making out with the guy. And then my top was off, and then his was and there was like this dry humping thing going on for awhile lmao

It's so weird because this dude just doesn't turn me on at all.

He's sweet as hell. He nice, and interesting, and fun to talk to… I'm just legit not attracted to him.

I ended up staying the night and he had his arms wrapped around me the whole time, and would like kiss my shoulders and stuff all nice like.

I think I only slept for like two hours, and he was on and off he whole night.

Once morning came he wanted to make me coffee in bed but I guess his place had neither sugar nor sweetener so we ended up getting coffee from a Starbucks that was nearby.

He drove me home and kissed me goodbye and that was my first sober kiss and it was so awkward feeling lol ugh.

I wish I liked this guy, I really do. Fuck.

And now I'm all depressed because two of my friends ditched me so far, and I don't want to be here. I want to be at home or driving or anywhere but here.

The roads are still crap though… :/ And I hate everything.

- Mint.

T time.

Alright, so T.

First of all, he's not my type. He's blonde, and a hockey player. Not my type at all. At ALLL. I hateeeee blonde guys. And he likes country so there's that too.

BUT, Saturday night, when I met him. It was legit like just me and him the entire night. Talking about everything.

I have no idea what we were talking about, but we were!

And he's really nice, but not super soft and non-manly, you know?

Anyway, on Saturday he was talking to us about how you can get this app where you can get tonssss of free books if you use this code.

I was drunk, AND SNEAKY, because I was like, "Why don't you just text me this code? Because I'm not going to remember it." so I got his number and he got mine. Good job Mint, good job.

This night was interesting too because any other guy that I've had "wonderful connections" with lately, while drunk, have all just wanted to make out and have sex, and then I never hear from them again. But with T, he was just, really perfectly gentlemanly (like he bought me drinks, and paid for our cab, helped me with driving like I mentioned in the last post) AND in the morning our conversations were just as good!

And again, like I mentioned in the last post, he bought me a lighter because I left mine at Dill's and offered to give me one of his gatorades which is sweet as hell I think.

Later on before I went to work I texted him and asked whether or not it would be stupid to drive home with the weather being all bad and snowy because he just came from Alberta and knows the roads like I do.

He said that I probably shouldn't go because it'd be dangerous, "I'd like to see you again so take the bus!" he even said that if he heads back there sometime soon, he could drive me so that I don't even have to worry about the weather.

Like what the fuck, I've known him for a day and our conversations are just so casual.

Anyway, we've been texting non-stop like ever since.

Last night I went and saw a movie with Dill and he called her before the movie started to say that he accidentally left his keys at her place and was asking if he could go pick them up sometime tomorrow. But I was like, "I have to drive you back to your place after this Dill, why don't I just bring him his keys? He lives on the way to my place!"

Soooo I brought him his keys. He ran out to my car to get them and he actually stayed for awhile to talk. Asked me about the movie, asked what I was up to this week, mentioned that we should get lunch sometime soon.

AHHHH. It's scary because A) it's so casual right, just coffee, not a big deal at all, so I can't be like, "OH I HAVE A BOYFRIEND" "OH I'M NOT REALLY INTO YOU LIKE THAT" because it is so casual. B) I've never gone on any date like thing EVER. C) What if I run out of things to say? D) What if I make a fool of myself? E) What if he's boringgggg?

I was like whatever, WHATEVER, doesn't matter. We didn't set a day, it probably won't even happen.

Today when I first woke up I was telling him how tired I was and that leaving my bed to go make coffee is suchhhh hard work, and he was like, "I can bring you some coffee if you'd like!" obviously I lied and said that I already had my cup brewing, but thanks anyway.

Then he was like, "Ah, well maybe we could go out for coffee tonight or tomorrow! Have you ever had a London fog at this coffee shop?"

I told him that tomorrow would work better than tonight because I was watching the bachelor tonight (LUL) and that I didn't like London fogs but I lovedddd that shop's mint mochas. AND HE REPLIED WITH, "I'll get you a mint mocha tomorrow then! :) "

I'M NOT USED TO PEOPLE BUYING ME THINGS THIS IS SO FUCKING WEIRD. AND LIKE, ACTUALLY SEALING A DATE WITH ME TOO LIKE WHO DOES THIS GUY THINK HE IS. THAT DOESN'T HAPPEN. I DON'T LET THIS SHIT HAPPEN.

I was totally writing him off this afternoon though. I was like, "He's into hockey. He's too persistent. There must be something up with all this. He must be really lame or want something, or I don't know. I'm not interested."

But, then we kept talking tonight and I learnt so much about him omg. He loves old films, and he likes all sorts of music INCLUDING: jazz like OLD jazz. And like, FRANK SINATRA. He wants to go to school to be a psychologist to help children with depression or go for a trade to make lots of money and to work with his hands. He's not sure yet, "I'm just lost right now". He had a friend in high school who committed suicide and that triggered some pretty bad depression for himself, but he got through it he says. He buys meals for the homeless sometimes. HE LOVES OREGON. He loves to read, mostly biographies and like PLATO AND ARISTOTLE. He plays the drums and guitar and ahhhhhhhh he's interesting. Like, actually really, fucking, interesting.

Which is odd. Because I'm usually the interesting one. Like, he thinks I'm interesting too, but… I usually don't think the guys that call me interesting are all that interesting.

So now… I don't fucking know man. He doesn't look amazing, he's like exactly my height… THESE THINGS ARE IMPORTANT TO ME.

Oh well, I guess I'll just have to try it out right? I guess that's why it's a fucking coffee date lmao to try this shit out.

It's so fucked though. This situation is fucked. I don't like it.

I'll never be able to have a boyfriend lol this is already much too stressful.

- Mint.

Last night was interestingggg.

I didn't end up going home because there's like a terrible BLIZZARD STORM THING. But anyway, let's talk about last night.

I was supposed to go to Dill's place just for a drink, she was bored and lonely in her house so I was like FINEEE, I'll come chill.

When I finally said I would she was like, "Oh good! My two guy friends are probably coming too so that'll be sweet!"

If you're hanging out with Dill on a Saturday night, you should always be prepared to go out, because you're most likely going out even when the plan is to definitely not go out.

So I get there, and it's just me and her for a bit. I make my drink and we go for a smoke. By the time we finished, her guy friend came over. Let's call him T. T was supposed to bring his guy friend but I just guess no dice, but whatever, I wasn't going out anyway! Right?

I end up just drinking almost my entire 2/6 of vodka. And T is great to talk to. Like, really great. We just talked the entire night. I have no idea what Dill was doing lol

So we all get good and drunk and decide that we want drugs. And that we want to go out.

So T drives us to his buddy's place so that he can pickup, and then we go to T's place to do lines.

I honestly have no idea how long we stayed at T's house. We did lines pretty fast, but then we all just sat on his bed for awhile there talking. We talked about deep shit too, like sad, deep shit. I can't remember what we were talking about specifically but I just remember that it was deep, and fucking sad LOL

Anyway, so we FINALLYYYY went out. We just went to this pub because we didn't want to wait in any lines and because the cool club we like wasn't open this Saturday. ALSO, because we were meeting Dill's sister's boyfriend there of some fucking up reason. He's fucked. It was fucked.

I think I forgot my id or something though because for some reason T just told me to pretend to be his girlfriend. So I'm thinking that I didn't have my id so if I just walked in with T, they wouldn't bother checking my id too. So yeah, that's what I'm thinking happened there.

BUT INSIDE WHENEVER WE WERE WALKING THROUGH THE CROWD, HE HELD MY HAND AND I LIKE HAND HOLDING SO THAT'S COOOOL LOL

Also he bought me drinks which is even bettah!!

After awhile, we all decided to go back to Dill's place. But the sister's boyfriend decided that he was coming with us. Which none of us were wanting. Dill couldn't just tell him to buzz off though so he ended up coming back with us.

Things get odd here, and let me just say for the record, I've never had a more patchy night than this one lolol

Okay. So we're all at Dill's now. This dude is saying how he wants to go into the hot tub, I think? I don't know. He's just doing his own thing. Dill starts talking about how she's craving this, no she's craving that, no she needs advil because her finger is hurting (her and her sister got into a fist fight the night before, hence why it's weird that we were now hanging out with her boyfriend).

Anyway, Dill's talking about all of this, and obviously stressed as fuck because that dude is there so I say, "HEY! T and I will go to set and get you whatever you want! We'll get you whatever!"

T's all on board like, "Yeah, yeah! What can we get for you Dill? What do you need?"

Dill says that she's fine, but we decide that we still want to go for a little drive and she actually let's us go.

This makes no sense though lol we basically just drove around the block. Why the hell did we even do that? We got to sev and Dill phoned us asking to come back so we did, but for some reason I drove the wrong way and turned myself all around. T was telling me which way to go but it was confusing me so I made him take the wheel and I just did the pedals and that's pretty cute lol two drunk fucks driving around at two in the morning.

So we get back and Dill's saying that she wants this dude gone but she can't tell him because she thinks he'll hate her or something. I don't fucking know. So I said that I'd be the one to tell him, but we couldn't even find the guy. I HAVE NOOOO IDEA WHERE HE WAS. Legit, I looked in every room, he wasn't there.

As I was coming back downstairs, he appeared out of like no where in he boxers saying that we should go in the hot tub.

And then I'm just at the top of the stairs like, "You gotta go man."

Well he was pisseddddddd, "The fuck is this bitch saying?"

"Dude you've got to go home. You're not staying here tonight."

He laughs, "Uhhh, I'm staying here. I'VE KNOWN THIS FAMILY FOR YEARSSSS, WAY LONGER THAN YOU."

"Alright, but I'm here with Dylan tonight, who the fuck are you here with? You're just here, and you need not to be, right now."

I can't remember the actual dialogue but we were, YELLING. I eventually almost walked off at one point just because I was fuming so bad.

He was pissed too though. He was swearing at me and calling me all of these names. He wanted to beat someone up so bad. I think T was trying to defend me at one point, and this dude legit almost attacked him.

I think he went to grab T and Dill pulled this guy away but he pushed her over and she fell and was crying on the floor. That stopped stuff fast.

I ran and sat next to Dill on the floor, and T sat with us. I was saying sorry to her and rubbing her back and just trying to make stuff better. This guy FINALLY decided that he was going to leave and got all his shit while muttering about what a fucking bitch I am under his breath.

He left, Dill and I went for a smoke, I gave her a reallll good fucking hug that she asked for and then it was 4:30 so we decided to go to sleep because I worked the next day at 11:30!

I ended up driving T home this morning because he needed one and because it was actually on the way.

We stopped at set first though because I forgot my lighter, and because he needed gatorade. He bought the lighter for me AND he gave me one of gatorades but I gave it back because I feel bad when people do things for me. So I just took a few sips of his.

Even sober, he's like SO easy to talk to, we clicked and we could talk all day everyday I'm thinking! I'll finish the T talk tomorrow though, I'm so tired, SLEEEEP!

- Mint.

Fuck part three.

Kk so part 3 was about how I got in a car crash and my car had to get towed and the airbags went off so my car's a write-off now and I don't want to give it up because Betty-Loo's my baybaaaaaaay.

I was going to write in depth about it but I don't want to. I'm sick of trying to catch the past up to the present.

Because I want to talk about now.

I'm not in the best place right now.

I'm not cutting, I'm not fasting; I'm just feeling empty and anxious and scared and like I've ruined everything.

I wish I could start my whole life over, and do everything completely different. Opposite.

I've wasted so much time, so much money. I'm going down all the wrong paths and I'm trapping myself in my own walls.

Every time I feel that I can climb over them, smash through them, I take one step forward and just keep building higher. I don't get it.

I'm going home tomorrow for a few days. Even though I shouldn't because there's a huge snow storm, and because I have no money, and because my car's going to break down at any fucking minute…

I just have to go. My mind's chaotic again and all I can focus on is running.

I need to go home to see my mom, and my dog, and to finally have a good sleep in my bed, and to get my camera, and to get my passport so I can go to Oregon, and because I want to get meds.

Yes, I've come to this point. I've given up, and I need medication.

Cutting doesn't help, fasting doesn't help, drinking doesn't help, running doesn't help, drugs don't help.

A negative plus a negative doesn't help you towards positivity. And I'm sick of being scared of every goddamn thing. I'm sick of not being able to move forward. I just want to be able to do things, you know? I'd like to be able to sleep without nerves keeping me awake. I'd like to be comfortable going slow, I'd like to stop fucking running…

Hopefully it works. Hopefully this cures my fucked up head.

I'm not in a good place right now.

- Mint.

Part 2.

Part 2:

The 16th of February was a goodish day!

The sun was out and my heart sung with summer vibes.

I texted my boring friend and asked if she wanted to go on an adventure.

She was like, "OMG, YES." so I gave her the option of either exploring trails around where we live, or  driving to the next town over to get ice cream. Obviously she chose the ice cream one hahaha which was what I was wanting to do anyway because I was craving a road trip, even if it was just an hour's drive.

I downloaded some good summer sounding songs, got an energy drink, picked her up, put my shades on, and droveeeee.

It was a fun drive for sure! Until I got pulled over for fucking speeding. I was doing 120 in a 90. But everyone else was going that fast too! I was just the last one so I was easy to catch :(

UGH. It was 200 bucks! And my first ticket! Worst thing ever. But at least I learnt that I didn't have a warrant out for my arrest for maybe hitting someone the day before hahaha

So I drove careful the rest of the day, which was LAMEEE, and BORINGGGGG.

Ice cream was amazing. We went to marble slab and I got peanut butter mixed with birthday cake, and it was like unlimited toppings day too SO I GOT LIKE EVERYTHING.

I GOT OREO AND GUMMY BEARS AND SKOR AND CAKE AND COOKIE DOUGH AND PROBZ SOME OTHER SHIT TOO. TOPPED WITH FUDGE.

FUCK YEAH.

When we got back to town we decided to explore the lakeside and take pictures and it was really nice and calming! But then we started to freeze our asses off so we went to this Mexican pub that serves avocado margaritas. Boring friend got one and I tried it and blech, too fucking creamy for me. I hate creamy things so much it's insane. I got the NORMAL margaritas because A) CLASS B) they were on special and I'm a broke ass fucking bitch 24 fucking 7.

Thennnn I think I dropped her off and that's that!

The 17th is harder to remember. It was Morgan's birthday!

Her, Dill, and I decided to go out for birthday drinks and lunch. Before that though I went out and bought her a bath bomb/EOS lip chap/moleskine as a present! I got a moleskine for Dill too because her birthday was like a week before and I missed it.

Anyway, we went out for drinks, and this other girl, J, comes too so now there's four of us. I have 2 double bellinis (special again) and then we go to J's house because these girls wanna blaze lol

I decide to pick up some alcohol first because I'd rather drink than get super fucking anxious again.

I drink half a 2/6, they get high, we talk for a good two hours. It was good! It was fun!

I drove Dill and Morgan home and I'm just so happy and bursting with love for my friends. I give Morgan a big hug before she leaves and yeah, I was just so happy.

I had plans with the boring friend after so I drove to her place singing all the way, so happy, so infinite feeling.

I get to her place, and she's watching the bachelor, so we watch it and talk when suddenly she points to my arm, "What's that?" she asks.

I look, knowing exactly what she's seeing. A couple nights before I was feeling really low, and my arm was the victim. I figured if I cut in just one place, if I do short cuts, that it'd be easier to hide. I ended up cutting a small square shape in every direction possible just where my arm bends. That's a really good spot because if it scars it looks less noticeable because of the bend and crease already present.

Anyway, I look down at the band-aid and laugh, "I don't knowwwww"

There's no point in making something up. She knows and I don't even care. I'm fucking wasted and when you're wasted why would you care?

"You cut yourself?"

"Yeah, but it's much better now. I barely do it."

"Why do it at all?"

People who have never cut themselves will never understand why someone would do it. I didn't even get it until I did it.

And no matter how much you explain it to them, their understanding never progresses.

We circle back and forth a bit with, "What about alternatives?"

When you're at that point, you don't care about "alternatives"

"Why don't you try to stop?"

Because it fucking works you idiot. It helps, plus I barely fucking do it anymore.

"Why did you start?"

Omggggg long fucking storyyyy

So I get into the depression and ED and everything, "What about medication?"

OMG CAN WE JUST STOPPPPP.

She eventually feels like it's getting too heavy and says we should go get starbucks and I totally agree so we do.

We drive around singing songs for like an hour, go back to her place, finish watching the bachelor, and then I go home!

END OF PART TWO.

Part three is what you're really waiting to read and you don't even know it yet! Be patient! Tomorrow is'a comin'!

- Mint.

The next few posts are going to be long because I've done a lot in the last 10 days apparently.

I'm going to try to make this short but I doubt that I'll succeed.

The past 10 days have been interesting to say the least. I've had a few car and cop troubles, most def.

Here's part 1:

I was supposed to get fro-yo with Dill on Valentine's day, but I guess I must've gotten a flat tire whilst driving back from the airport after dropping off the roomie for reading week. That really irked me because Dill had a family supper to go to so we just cancelled.

I was so mad. And I changed the fucking tire (I'm so experienced now, I've done a total of 3) then decided I deserve a fucking drink. I went back upstairs to my apartment (luckily I found the flat whilst still in my parking garage), got my rum, went to get mix andddddd, NO MIX.

AREEEEEE YOU FUCKING KIDDINGGGGGGG. So I went back downstairs, drove around a bit to make sure the wheel was fine/have a smoke and then got some mix, more smokes, and a little Valentine's day thing for Dill because she was still planning on coming over to watch a movie or something after her dinner.

I got back home, made a killer drink, watched some youtube and as my buzz started buzzing, I thought, FUCK IT. I'M GETTING FUCKING HAMMERED.

I had two more of "Mint's Master Mixes" (a shit ton of hard liquor with a little pop), texted my neighbour to see what he was doing (he was getting drunk with some friends and then going out so I invited Dill and I over and he said that'd be cool), told Dill to BUCK THE FUCK UP because weez goin' out, and then drove to her place at around 9.

I was already really drunk by the time I went out to get her, so I decided to fill up my flask with B's SHITTY COCONUT RUM THAT SHE GOT ME LAST YEAR, so that Dill could catch up while we went back to my place.

Turns out though that her family dinner was actually a HUGE family dinner party. They were all fucking wasted already! Which was very handy. Dill loved that I got her a Valentine's day thing (it was like a little Hello Kitty chocolate thing for 2 bucks) and her family all thought that my flask was fucking stellar too; they loved the collapsable shot glass that came with it.

So what we ended up doing (pay attention now kiddies because you're about to learn something AMAZING) is we poured the coconut rum into a plastic zip-lock and put it into Dill's bra. That way, you can bring it to the clubs without the metal detectors finding it in a flask in your bra or a bottle in your purse.

VERYYYY USEFUL INFORMATION THAT.

We did that and then shared a cab with her sister and sister's boyfriend to get to downtown. The rest of the night is kinda boring. We went club hopping (Friday's aren't the best night's to go out, especially on V-day), met some guys at this pub who said they could score us some coke, but they took too long to get it and they were boring and I didn't want to go to their place, so Dill and I peaced and just crashed at her guy friend's place.

BORING.

The next morning my dad went with me to get my tire fixed and then we had breakfast and that was niceeeee.

That night I also went and got fro-yo with Dill. We were going to go out-out but we decided that we really had no money to be dong that.

Before that though we smoked a joint and I got really fucking anxious again (will I ever learn?). And when we were driving back to her place (I drove) I was at that point where like, you suddenly realize that you don't remember how you got from block A to block B. That's really scary because suddenly, while we were waiting in a turning lane, this woman pulled up beside us and was like, YELLING at us through her window.

Dill tried to undo her window but it was locked I guess, and I couldn't figure out how to unlock it. The lady kept yelling and Dill said her face looked concerned, I thought it looked pissed as hell, so when we finally turned, and she went straight, we pulled over right away to check out the car.

Dill thought that she was yelling at us because maybe our trunk was open, or a tire was flat. But the car seemed fine. I was scared that maybe I had fucking HIT someone, but realistically I probably just majorly cut her off or was going like 30 km/h.

EITHER WAY, this did not help my anxiety, AT all. I was fucking freakinggggg. So I made Dill drive the rest of the way back to her place.

Once we got to her place and finished our fro-yo, I realized that I had made plans with the boring friend so I had to drive AGAIN. I was more calmed down by then but I was still freaking. So I splashed my face with cold water and told myself, "You're sober, you're sober, you're sober"

I started driving really fine. I was listening to music, having a grand ol' time! BUT THEN, I was rounding a corner and saw in some bushes, in a back road, a cop with its lights flashing. My heart started racing again, as I made sure I was going the correct speed (which I actually was for once). I kept looking at the cop to see if maybe I had done something wrong, but it was just sitting there, all by itself, with its lights going.

"Huh," I thought as I drove by and noted that it didn't start following me, "that was weird."

I kept going and then at a set of lights, parked on the side, WAS ANOTHER FUCKING COP CAR, WITH THEIR GODDAMN LIGHTS FLASHING. LIKE WHAT THE FUCK. IT DIDN'T HAVE ANYONE PULLED OVER, IT WAS JUST SITTING AT THIS RED LIGHT, PARKED TO THE SIDE, WITH ITS LIGHTS GOING.

I inched up to the the red light, praying that it'd change before I had to come to a full stop and wait for the longest minute of my life. It changed, thank god.

I watched the cop through the rearview mirror to make sure it didn't follow me, and it didn't thank god again.

At this point I'm fucking flipping. "Omg omg omg, I probably hit someone. I hit someone and didn't even realize. And that bitch was yelling at me because she saw it. And she got my license plate number and omg she reported me. And now they're on the look out for me and now they found me and are cornering me in and then I'm going to end up at a road block and omg omg omg what do I do, I can't go to jail."

I drive a block to the next light which is red and BOOM, ANOTHER FUCKING COP PULLED OVER WITH ITS LIGHTS GOING. This time though they were on the intersecting street so I felt a bit better.

"You're sober you're sober you're sober. Everything is fine and you've done nothing wrong."

I was sitting at this light. Trying to look relaxed. Trying not to stare down the cops to my left. Trying to be casual. But the song that was playing. Omg I hated it. I wanted to change it so bad.

"But," I thought, "what if they see me and pull me over for distracted driving? AND THEN THEY FIND OUT THAT I'M THE ONE THEY'RE LOOKING FOR BECAUSE I HIT A PERSON AND BECAUSE I'M HIGH AND OMGGGG."

It was such a bad song though!! So I incognito-ly reached for my phone and changed the song as I was panicking internally hahaha omg I'm so dumb.

After that I saw no more cops and made it back to the highway and eventually to my friend's place!

She never has any open parking stalls in her parking garage so I usually park in the handicap stall. This time though, when I did it there was a guy at the elevator fucking WATCHING ME DO IT.

"Fuck." I thought, "Hopefully he's gone by the time I slowlyyyy get out of the car so that I don't have to say something about it. Because I'm definitely going to have to say something, HE FUCKING WATCHED ME DO IT."

So I slowly gather my shit from the car, right? And slowlyyyyy walk on over. But no dice, he's there and I have to say something.

"Hey, don't tell anyone that I'm the ass who takes the fucking handicap stall alright?"

He laughs as we walk into the elevator, "Nah, I won't tell on you!"

Shit. As soon as he opens his mouth I know, I KNOWWWWW, that he was one of the guys from last night! The guys who were supposed to score Dill and I some coke! AND I AM WEARING THE EXACT SAME FUCKING OUTFIT.

"OMGGGGGGG" I think as I prepare myself for the most awkward elevator ride of my life. "Just don't say anything, just look down, just look down."

"Uh hey, were youuuu…." he starts, "at O'Flaniggan's last night?"

"Yeahhhhh," I not full of shame, "that was meeeeeee…"

We both laugh and I'm like, "FUCK. As soon as you opened your mouth, I was like, 'omg, is that-?'"

He laughed again, "Yup! It was you and that other girl right? What did you end up doing after?"

"We just ended up crashing. What about you, did you ever get your shit?"

"Yeah, we were up until like 7 or something."

The door opens, thank GOD he doesn't live on the same floor as my friend, "Well nice seeing ya again!" he says as he gets out.

"Yeah, I'll see you around!"

OMGAH THAT WAS FUCKED. I've never seen a person that I've met in a bar before just out and about you know?

SO I get to my friend's, tell her about my crazy adventure to her place and ask what she wants to do. She originally wanted to watch a movie but now she was leaning towards drinks. Which I was so down with because I was still kinda skittish.

She even gave me a drink while she was getting ready which really fucking helped my nerves.

We ended up going to the pub near where we live and had bellinis (they were on special) and appies and then she was done by midnight.

I didn't want to go to sleep though! I was ready to party and decided, "HOO CAREZ EEF I HAZ NO MONEYZ" so I texted literally everyone I know to see who would go out with me but no diceeee :( which is probably a good thing because I ended up passing out at 1.

So there's part 1! I'll post part 2 tomorrow probably! Fuck this week was insane looking back...

- Mint.