Wellbutrin + Cipralex.

Okay so I think I'm going to have to come off of my pills...

I've been on Wellbutrin for a year now and loveeeeeee it. It made me lose a SHIT TON of weight, it gives me energy, and makes it easier to get out of a depression period.

However, it's always given me mad anxiety and it's been getting progressively worse; like paranoia, and jumping at the slightest of sounds. It's also the culprit of the dissociation stuff, and makes me dizzy constantly.

What I didn't notice though was that it's also making me fucking old. OLD!!!

I thought it was stress wearing my face down but yesterday I was like, "Wait, ALL my skin is feeling loose and thin and saggy and OMG WTF."

So I googled it and yeah, antidepressants can make you look SEVEN YEARS OLDER. For someone who is extremely concerned about being 23, looking 30 IS NOT VERY HELPFUL WITH THE WHOLE, "NOT WANTING TO KILL MYSELF" DILEMMA I FACE ON THE DAILY.

Since Wellbutrin is used as a way to quit smoking I can kindaaaaa see how it could make your face look like it's smoked a pack a day for 30 years. It travels the same way nicotine travels and it has the same effects.

I don't want to go into the science of it because I'd have to google it all over again to get the right terms, but just know, it's legit.

THE WORST PART though is that I can't find anything ANYWHERE saying whether or not my skin will go back to normal after quitting these mother fuckers.

I'm afraid to quit them because I know I'll gain weight, and I reallllllllly don't want to gain weight AND have the face of a 30 year old, nuh-uh.

Another reason for needing to quit Wellbutrin is that the anxiety (like I said) is becoming out of control. I went to the doctor's last Tuesday though, and he gave me Cipralex to take the edge off (which it's definitely doing), BUUUUT I googled it and it makes a lot of people gain weight. Also, the withdrawal symptoms for SSRIs are super harsh apparently, and with some people they can last YEARS.

I don't want that either, nuh-uh nuh-uh.

I'm freaking outtttttt. I'd like to have my head back to normal, but I don't want weight gain, and I'm afraid that I've fucked up my skin forever. Does anyone know anything about this? I know the skin thing is a pretty rare side effect but pah-leaseeeee share any intel you have!

♥︎,

Mint.

To be, or not to be.

Sometimes being given time to reflect is a very bad thing.

In my case, it leads to overthinking. Overthinking to the point where my mind is running a track. The same thoughts, over and over. But! After a lap is completed, the track shrinks into a slightly tighter circle, so it takes less time to run. It keeps shrinking smaller and smaller and smaller until I'm just spinning the fuck around on my toes. I pass out, and when I wake up the track is back to normal size. I get up and start running again...

This has been my way of thinking since high school at least. This is why I never do anything. I never know what I actually think about anything, my opinion changes daily. I argue everything so well on each side that I can never make a decision.

I hate it. I don't know what to do with my life. I don't know how to make money. I'm afraid to do anything and everything and people scare me and I'm afraid to exist and I'd like to dissipate please and thank you.

Also, I think I'm over wanting to work in fashion, and I think I'm over wanting to move to Vancouver. The only thing I like about Vancouver is the ocean. That's literally it.

And what would I do in fashion anyway? Well like there's a shit ton of options but I mean, the fashion industry as a whole is very superficial. YES, there is a small, smalllll niche you could get into where you'd work with people who understand it as an art and appreciate it in that style as well. But mostly you're going to be with cocky motherfuckers who come up with random aesthetic ideas because it's "trendy". I'd be working with people who live off of networking, people who backstab, people who only care about names (I'm terrible with names), and all that good shit. I'm not feeling it.

I'd really like to write a book. B wants to write a children's book and I'd love to be a part of it. Her and I are great at working together, bouncing ideas off of each other and shit.

But on top of that I'd really like to get my poetry published. Which is like, RIDICULOUS to talk about. I mean, poetry is a hard thing to live off of.

I could put it all together in a book, but I was also thinking of different ways to present it such as the way I did with the "Breathe Deeply // Breathe deep" post I did there. Mix photography with it, print it out on posters. Make the poetry part of an art exhibit, put it in paintings.

Again, hard to live off of, but I'm thinking here.

If I were to actually want creative writing and fine/graphic arts to be my livelihood, I'd need to go to school. Like most definitely. Because, I'd need connections, I'd need to immerse myself in it entirely, I'd need my mind to expand and be one with the universe.

Which I think I could do, the mind thing that is. Because I can feel my brain understanding things on an abstract level. Like it's understanding things without explanation, and explaining things to me without explanation too... you know?

Anyway... the problem with school is that:

1. I'd have to get in. Meaning make a portfolio, and beat a gazillion other way better people who are applying for the same thing.
2. I'd actually have to ATTEND school. Meaning, getting over a lot of crippling anxiety.
3. I'd have to wait ANOTHER FUCKING YEAR TO FUCKING DO ANYTHING BECAUSE I MISSED THE DEADLINE TO START IN SEPTEMBER OBVIOUSLY.

I guess in the meantime I could just try to get my shit together. Start taking photos, start painting more, make sure I write daily, make mini projects, learn about graphic design...

Ugh why couldn't I just have wanted to be a dental hygienist or some shit like that... It'd be so much easier!!

- Mint.

Breathe deeply // Breathe deep

B O O M.

J is a romantic rolla coasta, he don't do anything he's suppos'ta.

Oh another thing I want to mention was that the other day mom and I went and did the EXACT same hike that I did with my old roomie 3 years ago.

You know, the hike that inspired THIS gorgeous post.

I just reread it and it still makes me laugh really hard; I'm hilarious.

Anyway, we pull up to this fucking BITCH of a mountain, get out and hike up the first little bitch of a mountain required to get to the ACTUAL fucking bitch of a mountain.

I swear to god I was having war flashbacks. I've never been so afraid of a rock before.

This time around though, it wasn't +99 degree celsius, which was the first positive of it all!

However, this is February, and this is Canada. So there's this thing called ICE.

Want to know some things that don't go well together? Mint and hikes. Mint and ice. Mint and mountains. Mountains and ice. Hikes and ice. Mint going up an icy fucking mountain.

Why did I let my mother bring me here? WHY, PRAY TELL DID I THINK THIS WOULD BE FINE???

In all honesty though, it wasn't that bad hahaha still steep as FUCK, and really scary to walk up due to all the slippery ice, but not that bad.

We even found out that there's a SERVICE ROAD one could walk up/down. Said service road is at a lovely NORMAL PERSON angle, and had literally ZERO ice on it. Why did no one fucking tell me about this beautiful fact???? HMMM?????

But yes, all in all, not a traumatizing experience. I'm sorry for the disappointment hahaha


I just got home from a walk with mom actually. It was waaaay worse than the mountain. It was flat ground, but alllllllllll ice. It was like a curling rink or some shit. It was a terrible hour.

The worst part was that at the beginning of the walk I got all dizzy and dissociative again! LIKE WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK IS THIS? THIS IS VERY ANNOYING.

One should not be tripping when one is sober. It's not fair or fun. I think I'm going to the walk-in clinic on Tuesday to get checked out. Maybe I'm dying, that'd be cool. Maybe I'll get some fun pills, that'd be cooler honestly. When did I fall in love with pills? I have no idea.

It's around 6:00pm now and I've been paying attention to my moods throughout the day. And I gotta say it's fucked.

I wake up, depressed. Get coffee, feeling good. Find out Lana released an album and feels GREAT. Goes for short walk with mom, gets INSANELY depressed again (close to last night kinda low). Gets home, reads old post, feels happy again. Writes this post, feels melancholy.

Is it normal to have a roller coaster of emotions? Like a fast loop-di-loop one?

My head is still really spacey from earlier, and I'm exhausted from the episode as well. *sigh* I'm so hopeless and pathetic.

Now I'm depressed again.

- Mint.

It's enough to be young and in love, don't worry baby.

I'm sorry for last night.

That was stupid. I'm not going to hurt myself. I don't know why I did that. I'm an idiot.

And I feel like I've been writing way too much which is weird because I was searching forever for words it seemed, and now I just can't shut up!

I'm very idealistic of suicide yes, but I don't think I'm going to do anything. I mean, THANK GOD I'm here because LANA DEL REY RELEASED A NEW SINGLE AND I AM LIVINGGGGGG

Literally so happy right now lol she is my everything. I wish I was her, she's so cool. All I listen to is Lana really; she's queen. I'm sure you knew that lol the amount of times I've quoted her songs in posts or made the titles her lyrics is a lot. I mean the titles of the two posts from last night are both from "Hundred Dollar Bill".

ANYWAY,  she released this single called "Love", how ironic. I love it, even more ironic.

I love the promotional poster for it the best though. It's GORGEOUS.

I hope this means she's got an album coming. I'm not very on top of things when it comes to artists and release dates and shit.

On another note, I keep writing lyrics. It's really weird, because I've never written any lyrics before in my LIFE. I might share the newest ones on here again or tumblr, idk yet. I also want to make a jazzy cover of "Extra" by 2 Chainz LOL DON'T ASK ME WHY, I have no idea, I'm the whitest kid on the block; It's just that I've been having BB's rap music on my mind. Which is weird too because he hardly ever listens to rap anymore; he's more of an old rock kind of guy now.

I also wrote a sassy set of lyrics last night apparently. Like, at 2 in the morning. I didn't remember it until I opened the notes app on my iPad. It's an angry set of lyrics LOL and classic drunk Mint too, meaning, I used the word "y'all"... a lot... 😓

I never use the word "y'all" so I don't know why the fuck it comes out when I drink. I also sometimes slip into an English accent when intoxicated. I don't know who I am apparently.

♥︎,

Mint.

You turn my mood from black to blue.

I wrote this an hour ago... I don't know if this is how I feel but I'm posting it for journal reasons:

"I feel like a doll that people were trying to prop up and I kept swaying... side, to side... but now whoever was trying gave up... and I'm just lying here with concrete on my cheek and knots in my hair... missing a shoe perhaps?

I want to die.
I wish I wasn't here.
There's no point.
I'm useless and a nuisance and I can't do anything to get out of this hole I've dug. I've got so many issues now... I can't even PRETEND to be normal. I can't ever PRETEND to be happy. I can't fake a fucking smile.

I don't want to be here. I want to die.

This is why I stayed with BB even though I knew we shouldn't stay together. He gave me purpose to breathe; even if we were in a bad spot, at least we were in it together.

Before BB I wanted to die; after BB I want to die.

With BB I wanted to die... LESS.

It's not fair to him for me to go back though. He deserves someone who wants the same things as he does. I already wasted so much of his time. I feel so bad.

I wish I wanted what he wanted. I really do. I wish I never left in July... who knows where we'd be? I wish I could talk about that period of time with him... there's so many things I can't talk about because of judgement or because it's too heavy for peoples' ears.

Why were we both so manic those last couple of months? I think back and my brain gets scared and stops me. The thoughts that manage to seep through are crazy and don't seem real. Everything was too vivid but such a short memory, a flash.

I don't even want to write about it, it'd get too long, it'd hurt too much.

Just know, that right here in this moment, I've already cut a little bit. I found a dull box cutter and made just a few cat scratches on my upper thigh, well 18 to be exact.

Just know that at some point I'm going to get something sharper, and I'm going to cut a lot deeper like I used to.

I don't want to feel things right now, it's too much. I'm going to mask everything with physical pain. I'm going to go until I'm numb like I used to be... nice and numb... I shouldn't have opened up the way I did. I'm a fucking idiot.

"Don't ever tell anybody anything. If you do, you start missing everybody..."

I know people my age will be tell me to grow the fuck up. Once you turn 22, people don't care about self-harm the same way. Younger than 22, it's all tragic and people say, "OMG come talk to me!! I love you!" but after that point, people literally have asked me what the fuck am I doing even THINKING about it. Like, am I stupid? Grow the fuck up, it's time to be an adult.
They look down on me and stop talking to me; they leave me in the dust it feels... but I don't blame them. It's not their fault that I find everything too hard. Not their fault that they couldn't pep up a weak contestant... because they ended up stopping for a mentally unstable piece of shit to CARRY, drag at their side... I'd run too bitch.

I was told that I didn't die in that bathtub because last year because I secretly wanted to live; meaning it was all for attention or that I'm too weak/stupid/pathetic to go through with suicide...

Do you know how shameful that is? I wish I had just kept my stupid fucking mouth shut. I wish I had kept wearing sweats in the summer and kept my stupid fucking smile on my face... because once I took it off, I couldn't seem to find where the fuck I left it.

I want to talk to BB but I know he's no relief. No one is relief. Everyone has lives... I used to have a life. Now I have nothing. I'm so stuck. I don't need help, I just need a shit ton of pills, please.

Booze makes me sleepy and sad; I want drugs goddamn it.

I wish I was prettier and better at sex... because then I'd have at least stupid boys around me, or I could sell myself, and have stories for youtube or something. I'm ugly though and BB told me I was bad at sex back in June of 2014, so I stopped trying because I didn't know what to do...

But in my defence, I had only done it a handful of times whilst incredibly drunk. BB is my first and only sober fuck...

I'm so embarrassing... I wish I had died already. Making it past 19 was definitely a mistake on my part, I gotta say...

I can't even manage to send B her fucking Christmas present, and it's almost 2 complete months into the calendar year...

I'm sorry B if you're reading this, I really am!!! I had the best intentions. I shouldn't have told you about it if I couldn't manage to send the damn fucking thing...

Ps. I just wanna say that I hate when people say it's selfish; suicide that is... I mean it's the person's life. They should be able to control their own waking hours? Yes, it affects those around them, but only because of how society has built up death. Death in all honesty isn't a big deal... I think it's selfish to make someone continue a life they can't move forward in... idk that's my thoughts..."

Since writing that, BB texted me. He texted me 2 days after the original breakup asking what I had of his, then 2 days after that replied to me with "K", and then today, texted with an actual mini conversation about sending me my things...

I broke the dull part of the blade off and hid it under my mattress until I can stuff it into an empty garbage bag. I cut a little more and goddamn is that shit addictive... I feel like I felt back in uni... a little bit deeper, a little deeper, no not good enough...

I'm drunk also, maybe I should note that... I started drinking at aroundddd 4:30? Now as I finish proof-reading this all it's midnight, 12:01. It only takes me one drink to get drunk with my medication though, so keep that in mind...

I still stand by everything I said though. I feel a little better, I mean I was crying when I wrote that stuff originally, now I'm not; but I still agree with the fact that I wish I was dead.

Oh life...

Nuthin's more gorgeous than a hundred dolla bill...

Nothing is the same anymore and I hate it.

I can't tell if it's due to literally NOTHING happening in my life, or due to the fact that I actually miss the past.

I know shit is different regardless, but I'm just wondering how much it's actually affecting me...

I don't know.

If I could go back two and a half years I would. Even though I was sad and thought that everything sucked, I was happy and much more vibrant back then. I had friends, I went out, I bought shit...

I'm literally stuck here doing NOTHING and no one will fucking hire me and I don't know what to do to get out of this anxious rut since all that I've been surrounded by for the past year almost is ISOLATION...

It's so sad when your 53 year old mom has a 200% more energetic social life than you when you're "only" 23. 23... ugh, I'd rather be dead.

I didn't think I'd make it out of my teens. But then I turned 20 and had an awesome year. Like an AMAZING year. But then nothing really happened. Like ENOUGH happened for me to feel okay, but I didn't get to live the two best years of my life... and now I'm here.

The city I live in is owned by people the age of 19-21, so I feel older than I should.

I wish I could die.

I wish I wasn't afraid of everything. I used to be afraid of NOTHING. I worked at it, but I eventually had no fear within me...

I wish I had a release.

I don't know... I've been officially single for almost a week. BB and I ended it on like melancholic terms. It fizzled out. And because it fizzled, I feel like it's real. Because our relationship is nothing even close to fizzle... so yeah.

I was lonely while with him long-distance, so I figured that it was a sign that we should take advantage of the numbness and disperse now.

But, feeling the way I do right now, if I could get remotely close to feeling how I used to by being in a boring fucking relationship, I would.

Now that's when you know that death is a better option...

I've been having fantasies of self-harm lately too. I miss when I could release emotions through slices in my skin. It was calmer, and fuzzier, and I don't know... no one would know that I did it, IF I did it. What would it matter to anyone? Another line on an already ruined canvas...

 Just thoughts.

- Mint.

You didn't feel loved, love.

I wrote some lyrics apparently. It started as a poem and then I ended up with this a couple hours later...

Kinda made up, kinda not? There's a lot of cute little nods in there to my time spent with BB in the city, I think that's why I like it.

"Brava! Brava!"

I'll post something normal I swear, it's just that I keep getting distracted with other topics!

Goodnight, sweet dreams! 💋

- Mint.

Baby, don't hurt me.

I am shook.

LOOOL

But seriously though, let's begin:


If you know me in real life you probably know I have a slight addiction to youtube. I'm not "deep" into it, but I am subscribed to a lot of 1 million plus content creators and watch it like every day.

Due to the fact that I've been watching some channels religiously since 2009, I've watched a lot of people grow up in a way.

Specifically, youtube's first family, the Shaytards.

For those of you who don't know, "Shaytards" is a vlog channel that Shay Carl Butler started back in October of 2008. Originally, Shay stated that the channel was to do whatever he wanted with, as opposed to his first channel, "shaycarl" which was meant for sketch comedy. In the beginning, Shay posted videos that he recorded while working as a radio DJ, videos regarding his diet, and other random snippets from his life. But on March 5th 2009, he began a project where he committed to blogging everyday, the last year of his 20s.

Within this year we got to know the whole family; Shay, Colette (then named Katilette or mommytard), and their three kids: Gavin (sontard), Avia (princesstard), and Emmi (babytard). The extended family is also online, but don't really need to be discussed right now.

Fast forward almost 8 years of vlogging and here we are.

Shay lost over 100 pounds, ran multiple marathons; the family moved to California, back to Idaho, back to California, and back to Idaho; created a company with some internet friends, sold the company to Disney for like $500 million; had another son, Brock (rocktard) and then another son after that, Daxton (brotard); lost their dog Malachi, got a new dog, Zeke, found another dog, Blondie; made a documentary; released music videos; wrote a book; made a clothing company; bought a fucking mountain; created their dream home; etc. etc. etc!

Growing up lonely, this was my family. They made me laugh, they made me cry, and they encouraged me to keep going.

Shay and Colette were my picture of true love. The story was that Shay first saw Colette perform in a play, and the moment he saw her he told the friend that he was with that he was going to marry her. AND HE PURSUED HER AND MARRIED HER AND THEY WENT THROUGH TOUGH TIMES TOGETHER AND RAISED ADORABLE KIDS AND IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.

On June 20th, 2016 Shay opened up about his struggle with alcoholism on his and Colette's podcast, "When The Kids Go To Sleep". This was a big deal because him and his family are all Mormon, meaning they're supposed to abstain from drinking. It's also a big deal because when a person vlogs, people begin to feel like they knowwwww them. So finding something like that out makes people feel betrayed.

Personally, I suspected it. I've been watching since like May 2009 and was like, there is NO way this dude didn't go to all these parties where everyone is TRASHED and just like, somehow magically end up with a very red face and a volume 3 notches higher than normal. No way.

But I still appreciated him and Colette opening up about it, and showing vulnerability on the web. Especially since I have some family members that fight with substance/alcohol abuse. The further the vlogs progressed, the more real they seemed to become. More human.

BUT WHAT HAS RECENTLY COME TO LIGHT IS DIFFERENT. MUCH DIFFERENT.

Apparently, Shay Carl is a dirty little cheater. And I mean dirty.

I won't go into details because it's been written about/talked about like a million times already. But basically, this adult cam girl named Aria Nina tweeted screen caps of some extremely sexual DMs that she received from Shay (which are now deleted). This happen on SUNDAY aka two fucking days from Valentine's day.

This was the most helpful video I found regarding the matter, and unlike other articles/videos regarded the matter, it actually includes the screen caps Aria had posted on twitter, and damn I was not expecting to read what I read.

The one part that made me laugh was when he said that she'd be riding/straddling his beard LOOOL LIKE EWWWWW GRODYYYYYY, BEARDTARD SICK MANNNNN.

Aria apparently has videos of him beating it too which is a very disturbing image, I must admit.

After all these allegations Shay posted a letter onto twitter saying that he's been struggling the past three months and had started drinking again. He said his main focus right now is rehab and that he'll be staying away from the internet (obviously).

This scandal broke my heart. I mean, I know how shitty I felt when I found/read the messages of BB cheating on me. It makes you feel mad, sad, hurt, uncomfortable, betrayed, lost, confused, hopeless, all the bad feelings pretty much. But that's just ME reading it, and it only affecting ME.

Imagine having your husband outed to like, the WORLD. Everyone can read what he said. Everyone  knows that your husband has been sneaking around your back, in PLAIN. SIGHT.

If you stay with him, everyone's going to call you an idiot and maybe even look down on you for it.

What do you do? You have a family together; 5 impressionable children. And you know that everyone at their school is going to know what happened. Fuck, even the parents are going to know. Can you imagine? Right before the fucking DAY OF LOVE. That's gotta hurt.

Shay was my father figure I feel (my own personal dad is dumb and non-existent), and to find out that your dad acted like that is a really gross feeling. He's supposed to be good, wholesome, clean, and more importantly, a good influence. If he's just as gross and nasty as the rest of the fuckboys out there, what is a girl supposed to do?

I thought that BB did what he did because he was a bad person. Well not a bad person, but like, BB was a sociopath, so he treated me bad with no remorse.

But if father of the year, Shay Carl, ends up cheating via the internet just like everyone else, where's my faith in humanity?

WHAT. IS. LOVE?

My heart hurts. I feel like everything's a lie.

I already have low self-esteem, and have been cheated on multiple times by the one person who's ever shown any interest in me. If even picture-perfect relationships end up like this, what are the chances that I could ever end up happy and trusting ever again?

Yes I know that the internet is only a WINDOW into people's lives, no matter how much they show. I know that "picture-perfect" is just that, but it doesn't change my feelings on what has happened.

My heart hurts, that's the simple truth.

What is time?

I have so many things to write about so I guess I'll just start with what fucked my mind over completely today.

Time is an extremely interesting topic to me and it always has been. I mean, that's what I named my blog after. It's only "thyme" as in the herb because it was a joke in the sense that this was an eating disorder blog.

Personally, I believe that time doesn't exist, but recently I found that I had forgotten why I believe that. I knew it had something to do with the fact that matter can't be created or destroyed. But if it were that simple, then time would still exist, it would just be circular instead of linear.

I remember already pondering the existence of time intently a few years ago and eventually coming to an understanding of a belief; but somewhere along the line I lost it, so I decided I'd simply google it and my reasoning would come back to me... this was not the case.

What was the case however, was a mind fuck of an event that took me two hours to absorb and share with other people who probably didn't want their morning cluttered with my stupid theories.

I was just sitting there, minding my own business when I decided to google "Is time linear?".

I ended up on this thread from reddit, where the question was the following:

I recently read a theory suggesting that linear time does not exist, that the notion of linear time is nothing more than our minds way of condensing information. But how would we ever prove this? This theory suggested that everything that has occurred, is occurring, and will occur is in fact happening simultaneously and we see it happening in linear form simply to perceive it. I figured if this was true, it is because at the moment of the Big Bang an infinite amount of energy was released, and using Einstein's Theory of Relativity, an infinite amount of energy would mean an infinite amount of mass, space and time; resulting in time both existing and not existing, which would then mean time could not be linear, but at the same time appearing to be. So my question is; am I understanding this correctly, and how would we ever prove this theory?

Now, I'm not that smart. I could only make it through grade 11 physics and didn't even try to attempt physics in grade 12. This is because I'm not very good with abstract thought. I'm a big picture person and I think it gets in the way of understanding technical shit like physics. I start thinking about this stuff and it's like all the secrets of the universe are surging through my bones. My mind races a thousand miles a minute because it's like "OH! SO THAT EXPLAINS THIS AND THIS AND THAT AND SO THEN THAT MEANS THIS AND WITH THAT AND THIS TOGETHER-" you get what I'm saying? After big "eureka moments" like these, I'm usually out of it for the rest of the day hahaha I'll sometimes get a headache, or feel dizzy or nauseous (talk about a wild ride).

So what I'm saying is, take this post and what is written in it with a grain of salt. Because I could be making 0 logical sense here. Alright, so here we go...

Reading that person's paragraph, I disagree with the fact that the universe has an infinite amount of energy. I think back in uni I remember learning in astronomy class that the Big Bang happened, supplying the universe with a certain amount of energy. The universe is ever expanding, yes, but it's not because of "infinite" energy. It's because the universe is becoming less dense. It's like, you've got a ball of dough which you roll out. You're not get more dough, it's just getting thinner and thinner, ie. less dense.

But I do agree with the realization that everything exists and doesn't exist at the same time; because mass can neither be created or destroyed so just as you recycle, the item exists before it's created and also doesn't exist at all.

How can we relate this to time? I mean, I remember yesterday, and don't know what will happen tomorrow. Yes, it kinda makes sense with the whole "recycling" theory that yesterday, today, and tomorrow all exist before it happens and in a sense, doesn't exist at all. But that's such a broad explanation. Why do we see remnants of people from centuries ago? It's absolutely CLEAR that they once existed, and now they don't.

Okay, so let's dive a little deeper here. Most of what we perceive in the world is due to the brain interpreting waves. Light waves, sound waves, electromagnetic waves... frequencies of all sorts. So since we are perceiving time, let's examine the waves it would consist of.

The best example I could come up with that shows everything happening at once even though we perceive it differently is how we observe lightening.

Lightening strikes. The light waves reach our eyes, our brain turns those waves into electric currents. The currents travel all throughout the brain and we eventually understand that we have just seen lightening. BUT!!!!! Only after all that happens do the sound waves make it to our ears, to our brain, to our conscious understanding.

We know with the help of science, that the sound of thunder really did occur at the same time as the light appearing. It just took longer to perceive the sound than the light due to the different wavelengths both light and sound hold.

So, maybe the past is just waves that have been perceived sooner than waves of the future, even though everything has happened at the same time; resulting in us creating a linear sequence of events, aka: time.

So if we're just perceiving one event consisting of different wavelengths, it could explain why we find such patterns in our lives. For example, meeting the same type of people over and over, having passions/questions/themes that keep popping up here and there our entire lives. BUT a wavelength has a beginning and an end, so we haven't made 100% sense here yet.

I already said that I agree that energy cannot be created nor destroyed. So with that notion, time cannot be created or destroyed, meaning it's infinite. If time is linear, then what's an infinite line? A circle. Right? a triangle has 3 lines, a square has four, hexagon-six, a circle-one.

In perception views, this could explain déjà vu, reincarnation, why the sun and moon rise and fall, all the other cycles we witness on earth (water cycle, seasons), the patterns and constant themes within our own lives...

But I'm saying that time is a product of consciousness: constructed. It can't be manipulated because it only exists structurally in our minds.

If it were to be manipulated, we could take this moment and put it there, and throw tomorrow right out the window. That's obvious right? The only thing we can do is "live in the moment". C'est la vie. It is what it is.

So now note this: when we look into deep space, we're actually looking into the past. We know this because the universe is ever expanding (as I mentioned above); so the further we look, the more into the past we are. This is also proven with the fact that using just the naked eye, we can see stars in the sky that are actually dead. They are no more.

We can use a telescope and watch the birth of a star that is now non-existent. Like, if we looked far enough, we could see the birth of the universe. Actually SEE the Big Bang.

Crazy, right?

So stop for a minute and absorb what I just wrote. We can literally see the past happening, in the present moment. We can watch the actual MOMENT of something that happened millions of years ago, without the use of film or something that captures moments (like taking a video and watching it later sort of thing).

If we can watch the past, who says we can't watch the future?? We just don't know how to do it yet, and when we figure it out, shit's going to hit the fan, I swear it.

But again, I just separated past, present, and future into different things. But what I'm actually saying here is: everything is happening at the exact same time; we just simply can't perceive it all at once. It can't be swallowed in one bite, but it's still one singular sandwich.

Existence is each person individually recalling a little bit of one GIANT moment. We live our lives inspecting one small hair on the head of said giant moment.

Another way to explain it is we're all in a MASSIVE art gallery together. We all enter at different doors and when we do walk in, all the art was present before we came in and after we will leave (coming and going being life). Each painting and sculpture would represent an event or something like that. There will be wings of the gallery that we'll miss or never reach, and there will be details of each artwork that we might not have noticed. Person A sees picture 1 when they first come in. But person X might see picture 1 somewhere in the middle of their journey. Get it?

Another, way to explain it is that time is one HUMONGOUS painting. Like, bigger than you could ever imagine. And we're all on it. Life would just be us experiencing different parts of it. Everyone would end up seeing different things, some people would see the same parts when they walk beside each other.

I don't know, my favourite explanation is the art gallery one. Time doesn't exist because it's all already present.

If anyone has read this far, I'd be super interested in hearing your thoughts! Like I said, the concept of time is something I've always been fascinated with. And everyone always has a different opinion! Time to physics is like religion to humanity I feel, so many different beliefs and theories.

Maybe I should share some of my other weirdly abstract thoughts and beliefs? Let me know! Science is overwhelming but it's kinda fun because even though we think we've figured something out, it can always be disproven. Nothing is known if you think about it. Nothing is real.

Anywaaaaay, sorry for the long post! Sorry if it's stupid, makes no sense, or is boring!! If you really do actually know about science, please don't chew me up and spit me out! I'm always so afraid to share an opinion on stuff like this... 😳😳

♥︎,

Mint.

I want to be part of something.

The worst part about being lonely in this current day and age is that most people who are alone IRL aren't alone online.

Loners find their community, their group, and their people online! So that, even though they may be lonely in real life, they have people who love and support them via the internet.

But with me, I feel too afraid to even reach out through a screen. I'm wearing a mask yet I feel too exposed.

I think maybe because everyone has become so passionate about their own opinions and causes. Everything is right, and everything is wrong and if you wander down the wrong street and you're from the wrong circle, you're going to know it. You're going to be beat out so quickly, so forcefully, you're going to be sorry you ever even thought your thought.

Now I know not everyone is like this. Obviously.

But with my head as sick as it is, and my feelings so used to being hurt, I stay away.

I used to be in a community during 2011/2012. But I feel detached now.

A) Because I stopped participating

B) Because my thoughts and priorities have changed; my life no longer revolves completely around food and the scale. Yes, food is still something I struggle with, something that keeps me up at night on bad days; but it's not in control of my mind.

Now the themes of this blog seem to be centered around: my everyday struggles, questions about the world, and self-discovery.

I like sharing my story for myself and for others to read. I want people to learn while I learn, to not do the same mistakes, and to know that they're not alone. I like sharing positivity when I have it, silly stories about inner dialogues, poems on occasion, and epiphanies/mini essays.

I like sharing those things, but I also like reading others' musings. I like readings poems and thoughts and essays and dialogues and epiphanies just as much as I enjoy writing them.

So here is my plan. I've made a tumblr that is going to be linked to this blog. Let it be noted that tumblr will only be used for short text posts, and reblogging pictures/quotes/other posts the I enjoy; I will still be writing all these long winded thoughts here!

I'm going to work on making posts more regularly (at least once a week I'm thinking), and start trying to find similar blogs to follow/become friends with.

So, hopefully this works, and hopefully it's fun...

I'm sick of being so lonely!! TALK TO MEEEEEE! I won't bite I swear!

♥︎,

Mint.

Something weird happened.

So yesterday I'm at Walmart with my mom. Everything is normal, everything is fine. We're in the cereal aisle looking at mini-wheats.

Mom takes the cart and starts walking forward, I turn to follow her and then everything is fucked.

Suddenly nothing felt real. Everything was spacey. I felt dizzy and as if I was going to pass out. I call to my mom and grab the cart, telling her I feel really dizzy. My heart starts freaking out because it doesn't know what's happening (super annoying heart, thanks). But I've felt faint on numerous occasions so my mom knows how to look after me, which is good.

She guides me to a quieter area of the store, because if I look up, everything is woozy and dream-like.

We stand there for a minute while I try to grab ahold of reality. I say I'm fine, we continue, I'm not fine.

So we check-out the groceries we had in the cart (we literally only finished the produce section, that's how little time we spent in there), and drive home. I start feeling better on the drive and am like, "well that was weird and embarrassing!"

But as we're driving down our street, mom passes our home saying she wants to show me this house down the way that she likes. And then the dissociation starts again and I say I need to go home like, now.

We get home. I take off my coat and hoodie and hat and ring and necklace because I feel like everything is strangling me. I put my hair up because I feel like it's weight is unbearable and I sit on the couch with some water.

Mom grabs me some gingerale for some sugar, you know, just trying to think of solutions.

I say I'm fine, because I feel like I am since arriving home and getting comfy. I've got a blanket, I'm petting my dog, all is good.

My mom's in the kitchen behind me texting someone. Everything starts getting unreal again and my panic is coming back, making me uncomfortable and scared. I ask my mom what she's doing while taking deep breaths, trying to ground myself. It's not working so I ask her to come over, NOW. It felt like her three steps over to me took FOREVER.

I've never actually had a full-blown panic attack before. Usually I just experience symptoms sporadicly, and if I distract myself or leave the situation, it will usually go away. There was one time when I was watching a House episode (I was like 15/16) where I had a panic attack, but it was still easily managed once I grounded myself and realized I wasn't having a heart attack. What I felt yesterday was how I feel when I smoke weed.

When I smoke weed (which has been like 5 times in my life), I dissociate like no one's fucking business. I can't remember how I got from point A to point B, which scares me and puts my body into panic mode. I feel like everything is hazy and unreal. It feels like I'm in a really scary dream and I hate it because then I'm just sitting there for a couple hours rocking back and forth because I can't ground myself to reality.

That's how it felt yesterday. My mom came over and I basically jumped into her lap, trying to attach myself to her. Everything was fear and it felt like it was going to be fear forever. I was so close to tears. I curled myself into a tiny ball trying to hide from the world. Suddenly I remembered what this felt like. It felt like when I'd wake up from the night terrors I had as a little girl. Everything was surreal, it took awhile to realize that I was awake and there was only fear until then.

I eventually got out of it, but it took like a good hour and a half from start to finish. And then all day after, I still felt kinda spacey and if I wasn't careful I'd slip out of it again.

At one part of the day, I went to bed because the comedown made me exhausted. I was trying to fall asleep to speed up time but I kept having these like, snapshots of memories, and bad feelings associated with them; there was fear and a huge pit in my stomach like something bad had happened.

I've always low key thought I've experienced trauma when I was little, but that I've repressed the memories of it all.

I think this because:

1. I can't remember hardly anything from when I was ages 6-12. I remember a lot from when I was five, and from when I was thirteen up, but I barely remember anything in between. If I do remember something, it's not a complete memory, it's like an illustration in a story book. I see a picture of something that happened, and know the summary of said event. For example, I remember being in the school's choir when I was I don't know how old. 10? 11? 12? For how long, I have no idea. I don't know how I became a part of it, I don't know what happened during, I just remember one time standing in front of the school, sharing a microphone with two other girls, and then another time where I was sitting on this box, waiting for practice to start. That's literally all I remember. I don't remember faces, stories, songs, nothing. Just those two pictures which tells me at some point in my life, I was in choir. Also, all my memories from that time are in the third person account. Most of the time, the camera is like right over my shoulder so that it's CLOSE to being first person, but I can still see the back of my head (like in the microphone snapshot). And then other memories are super third-person, where I'm like standing in front of myself (the memory of me sitting on that box swinging my legs).
2. I know I've forgotten chunks of things before. One time I was in this dude's bed at like midnight, mid conversation and was like, "Woah how did I get here?" Because the last thing I remembered, I was at my house, it was like not even noon and I was by myself playing Mario Kart. He didn't believe that I'd completely blacked out like 12 hours of my day.
   I also can't remember having sex with any one other than BB. I can remember stuff that happened after, or I see an image of them on top of me right before it starts, but I don't remember the actual event, drunk or sober.
   Also, before BB I've almost blacked out every drunken night I've ever had and only remember the smallest snapshots, but like, WHY. I remember drunken nights starting around half a year into our relationship, but before that, only snapshots again.
3. People with BPD apparently are highly likely to have experienced trauma as a child, and as we all know, several doctors have suggested that BPD is something I suffer from. Even if we take out individual symptoms of BPD that I have such as: chronic depression, anxiety, dissociation, eating disorders, self-harm, suicidal tendencies, intense rage, impulsivity, identity disturbance, unstable relationships, black and white thinking, and feelings of emptiness/worthlessness they are all also symptoms of unresolved trauma.
4. Other enormous red-flags I remember doing as a child that I try not to think about, and definitely haven't talk to anyone about because it's uncomfortable and not normal.

The snapshot memories I had while laying in bed felt like a movie trailer. You know how they kinda flash an image and it slowly fades to black and then flashes another etc? It was like that. It flashed a picture of this duplex I lived in when I was 6/7. It was cloudy, dark and cold feeling. Then it flashed an image of me running/falling down the stairs that went from like the upstairs bedrooms to the living room/kitchen. Then it flashed to like me going down the other set of stairs that lead to the basement/falling on the platform halfway between, looking up all scared as if I was going to be grabbed or something. Then there was like slowly zooming pictures of the upstairs bathroom then the downstairs bathroom with the feeling of extreme fear.

I sat up after all those thoughts came through because it was too much; and when I did sit up, it felt like I was waking up from a dream. I had to remember where I was and everything.

So what I'm getting at here, is that I think something really bad happened to me when I was little. And I think the memories are wanting to come out. And I really don't want them to come out. I'm actually really afraid of them.

I'm hoping that I'm just making this fear up, and that nothing bad actually happened. But then my mind laughs at me being like, "yeah, and pigs can fly" because I feel like I'm kidding myself when I'm trying to convince myself that nothing happened.

That's how real it feels. It feels that there is no doubt, that this happened, and that I'm going to remember it soon. And it's really scary.

Today I still feel kind of spacey. If I'm not careful I can feel myself start to leave reality again. When I'm walking around the house I feel taller than I should be. Sometimes there are split second flashbacks of being somewhere else. They're too quick to hold on to but it's scary. I feel like I'm going to go back into a very traumatic and real-feeling flashback at any given moment and it's terrifying. You shouldn't be able to have bad dreams when you're awake. It shouldn't happen.

I'm afraid to go finish grocery shopping with my mom because I'm afraid it'll happen then and I'll embarrass myself by crying and shaking or screaming or some shit.

If anyone at all has ever experienced anything like this, please PLEASE comment sharing your story. Because even writing this post felt like I was writing a horror movie (thank god for B sending me her distracting cupcake pictures LOL). Or better yet, tell me that I'm just building this all up in my head, because I'm honestly scared as fuck.

Thanks,

Mint.