Bad Life Decisions.

I sorta binged yesterday. But it wasn't really a binge because it wasn't do to stress. It was just. I don't know... me eating lots.


It started out okay! I didn't eat until right before work (5 p.m). I decided to eat then because all day I felt like I was going to faint and it was just getting worse the closer to work I got.

So I had a little bit of rice with veggies (150).

Then, my friend came and visited me at work. That's when the eating began.

I'm a cake decorator at this grocery store, right? So I work with cakes and icing and cookies near by.

And I work when all the bakers are gone. SO IT'S JUST ME THERE. That's why it was so easy to just eat a bunch of cookies with my friend, some icing, and some cake ends.

I'm such an awesome vegan... T_T

Anyway, so I was munching away on that stuff and she was like, "Let's get drunk tonight!"

And I was like, "YEAH." because apparently now I drink and wanna go out all the time and do things.

So we went to Subway first because that's the whole reason she came to visit me in the first place, Subway. And when we got there I was already in the "fuck it" mindset. So I got a footlong veggie (no cheese, I was sort of good!) with mayooooo because... alcohol.

BUT WE DIDN'T DRINK.

So I went home. BORED AND ALONE. So I decided to smoke one out of the two cigarettes I've been stashing since I was in grade 10. My first sober cigarette.

It was nice. And tranquil just sitting outside in the freezing cold for a few minutes. And I think I might want to take up smoking. Which is bad and I know it is, AND EXPENSIVE.
But, if I can only go through a pack a week it'd be like my diet pills which I would then give up and then I wouldn't be totally broke all the time! And they would for sure make me less hungry, and I know it messes up with your taste buds too so I'm all over that.

I just have to find a way to hide it from my mom. She has an amazing sense of smell unfortunately.

I also weighed myself this morning and (still no numbers, sorry) I weigh the exact same as I did when I last weighed myself!

To some that's utter failure, but because I binge soooo much I'm pretty proud. Especially since I weighed myself AFTER binging. We'll see how low I can get by the end of my week long fast (if I don't fuck it up agin...)

I'm also thinking about dropping out of school.

Which is more stupid than thinking about smoking. I'm really dumb lately I know.

But it's like, ugh. SCHOOL. It's so boring, so stupid. I don't even know if I want that! Like, yeah I want it because I'll get a lot of money being a psychologist and owning a clinic. BUT, do I actually need that much money? I honestly don't think so.

I just want the ocean, my mom, and some friends (which is impossible whether I'm in school or not lol).

What if I start writing. What would happen with that? What if I paint more? I've been drawing a lot lately and am actually fairly decent! Things look like they're supposed to! What if I play the piano more? Well, nothing really but I like the piano.

What I'm getting at here is, what if I surround myself with love and art? Will I sink? What would happen?

I could open a gallery. That'd be a cool job. Selling people's art! Putting on shows!

I could write books and poems.

I could take photos and try to make a living off that.

Like I don't even know. There's nothing I'm actually really good at, you know?

Ugh, life.

It's so hard.

SO SO SO HARD.

- Mint.

Almost halfway through!

Day three is completeeee.

It was hard though because I had my regular shift today (5-10) and forgot my dinner time V8 drink. So I actually felt hungry, and almost broke down.

BUT I DIDN'T

So that's good.

Other than that nothing's different, nothing's exciting. Everyone is back in town because the semester is over and I'm dreading seeing people. I'll just stay home until they all leave.

Sounds good.

- Mint.

Bippity boppity BOOP.

I'm drinking by myself right now.

I haven't had any alcohol in over a yearrrrr.

I don't even normally drink.

Why am I drinking now? I have no idea.

I was watching my drunk kitchen on youtube and I got super hyper and felt like I was drunk. Then I was like, "WHAT IF I WAS ACTUALLY DRUNK!?"

So then I grabbed some booze and here we are.

I've had one proper drink and I'm already tipsy.

Fuuuuuck.

Liquid only fasting! WoOoOoOoOo!

Day two completeeeee.

LOVE YOU TO BUNCHES,

Mint.

I am cold.

So my friend let me read her "secret blog".

I was super excited because I'm just a curious person and no one ever tells me anything! I have no idea why no one tells me anything actually. I'm not a bitch. I don't talk about people behind their backs. I honestly don't care enough to talk about other people.

BUT ANYWAY, she shared her blog (after deleting a few things T_T) and I was really excited to learn about my friend's DEEP DEPRESSING SECRETS.

Yeah, right.

Turns out she's just a party girl (which I already knew), and she had a slutty phase (which she already told me about), and she's super nice and everyone loves her. LOL SO DISAPPOINTING.

C'MON B, C'MON.

I finally had a successful fast today! And Starshine said she'd fast with me to help me stay on track. It's sort of sad when someone realizes you're so lost and fed up with life that only successfully starving yourself can help. I'll take it though. If someone wants to kick my ass into gear, GO RIGHT AHEAD. I WILL LOVE IT AND LOVE YOU FOREVER.

Today my dad wanted to have lunch with me but I was at work :/ so he came and said hi to me there!

I honestly got teary eyed. I don't know why. I don't even like my dad and I know we'll never be close. But I don't know... I was just happy.

My brother also texted me today saying that if I needed anything while my mom was gone to just ask.

Am I the only one finding this extremely suspicious? Mom must have said something.

Did I mention that I didn't sleep last night? I just decided that I wasn't sleeping, and that was that.

Today I think I might take some sleeping pills just to zonk out fast. I can see this becoming a vicious circle...

- Mint.

This is the title, it is very informative indeed.

This last week has really sucked.

I broke my veganism (is that the right term?) and I guess I just didn't stop because I just have been eating and eating and eating...

I'm so tired too, and not thinking but thinking non-stop at the same time.

Earlier in the week I was being sorta reckless.

I was walking on the sidewalk and I knew I had to cross soon. I heard a truck speeding behind me and I just decided that I'd cross at that moment. It stopped obviously but it was really close. And I was sort of disappointed that it didn't keep going to be honest.

I've been driving really fast lately too. Not looking when I change lanes. Going through the lights before they've changed green. Not slowing down when I'm going around tight corners, down steep hills. It's icy. I should be careful.

The other night was terrible because I kept thinking of ways to end it. I was getting nervous, and quite frankly annoyed with my thoughts because I just wanted to sleep because sleep is always the better option.

I've been cutting too. Then ripping of the scabs to bleed some more.

Ummm...

School sucks. I don't know what to do about that. I'm about half a semester behind in everything.

People ask me, "Well why don't you do something else?" I don't do anything else because there's no possibility that would be remotely better.

I hate life. The only thing better than where I am right now is death. I want it so bad.

My mom's gone to Maui for a week, she drove to the city this afternoon and will fly out tomorrow morning. I was sort of disappointed when I found out that she made it safely to the city. If she was dead, then I would have no reason to stay here. Does that make me a terrible daughter?

My brother went missing again a few days ago. My parents were freaking out again. "It's cold outside! And he has no car! What if he freezes to death?" I would've been pissed if he had died. Because both children can't die, that would be rude... Anyway, it turns out he was at a dealer's house, spending all his money away.

Apparently he's going to rehab soon. Great.

This afternoon when my mom left, I ate everything in the house or spat on it, or just threw it out.

Tomorrow starts my week long juice fast. I better fucking stick to it. I better show some fucking strength.

When I first started binging this past week I was doing everything I could think of to stop it. I worked out, I drank waterwaterwater dietpopdietpopdietpop, punched my legs over and over, slapped my face multiple times and yeah. Still fucking binged.

Weak worthless waste of space.

I'm such a terrible person. I know I am. Wasting this life I have. Saying it's terrible when everyone has it so much worse. I know, I'm pathetic, but seriously.

When I heard about the Connecticut shooting I knew my heart should have dropped, I know I should have felt something, especially with Christmas coming up.

But nope.

Nothing.

- Mint.

My friend is going on a diet.

It's been awhile, and I don't even remember where I left off.

Oh well...

This past week has actually been good! I bought a new journal a little while ago for some new inspiration and it's working! I've been restricting to about 500 calories a day, and I fasted on Monday too. I just need to work on working out.

School has been good too, I'm slowlyyyy catching up.

But let me tell you about something that happened to me yesterday:

My best friend has decided to go on a diet so she can "get skinny super fast". This friend of mine, we'll call her B, is kinda big. But she's always been kinda big. Her whole family is kinda big, and her weight is the only constant in my life apparently because when she told me about her idea my head flipped.

First, it yelled at me for eating, "YOU FAT BITCH! NOW EVEN B WILL BE SKINNIER THAN YOU! WHY DID YOU EAT YOU WORTHLESS PEICE OF SHIT!? WHY AREN'T YOU WORKING OUT YOU LAZY FUCK!?"

If my only constant changes, then what is life?

Obviously I see this as a major competition so I'm now restricting to 300 calories. I don't think I could physically eat more than that. I was going to fast twice a week too, but I need to be smart about this and not go overboard, not yet anyway.

But I don't want her to diet because what if she has more control than I have? She probably does. What is she becomes skinnier than me? She probably will.

Then what?

And, what if, she develops an eating disorder? That would be even worse. I don't want her falling down this rabbit hole. We all know it's easy to get in, but fucking hell to get out.

I don't want her feeling guilty, and worthless, and disgusting, and fat. I don't want her counting calories without thinking, keeping a tally even when she doesn't want to. I don't want her head yelling at her for eating, or taking up space, or for being a fat whale. I don't want her constantly standing on the scale, hating the number.

God oh god, no.

But she'll diet whether I help her or not so it's really frustrating. She wants to diet to impress her boyfriend and to keep herself distracted when he's away.

We all know that with the right brain structure, this is a plan for disaster...

♥,

Mint.