Bad Life Decisions.

I sorta binged yesterday. But it wasn't really a binge because it wasn't do to stress. It was just. I don't know... me eating lots.


It started out okay! I didn't eat until right before work (5 p.m). I decided to eat then because all day I felt like I was going to faint and it was just getting worse the closer to work I got.

So I had a little bit of rice with veggies (150).

Then, my friend came and visited me at work. That's when the eating began.

I'm a cake decorator at this grocery store, right? So I work with cakes and icing and cookies near by.

And I work when all the bakers are gone. SO IT'S JUST ME THERE. That's why it was so easy to just eat a bunch of cookies with my friend, some icing, and some cake ends.

I'm such an awesome vegan... T_T

Anyway, so I was munching away on that stuff and she was like, "Let's get drunk tonight!"

And I was like, "YEAH." because apparently now I drink and wanna go out all the time and do things.

So we went to Subway first because that's the whole reason she came to visit me in the first place, Subway. And when we got there I was already in the "fuck it" mindset. So I got a footlong veggie (no cheese, I was sort of good!) with mayooooo because... alcohol.

BUT WE DIDN'T DRINK.

So I went home. BORED AND ALONE. So I decided to smoke one out of the two cigarettes I've been stashing since I was in grade 10. My first sober cigarette.

It was nice. And tranquil just sitting outside in the freezing cold for a few minutes. And I think I might want to take up smoking. Which is bad and I know it is, AND EXPENSIVE.
But, if I can only go through a pack a week it'd be like my diet pills which I would then give up and then I wouldn't be totally broke all the time! And they would for sure make me less hungry, and I know it messes up with your taste buds too so I'm all over that.

I just have to find a way to hide it from my mom. She has an amazing sense of smell unfortunately.

I also weighed myself this morning and (still no numbers, sorry) I weigh the exact same as I did when I last weighed myself!

To some that's utter failure, but because I binge soooo much I'm pretty proud. Especially since I weighed myself AFTER binging. We'll see how low I can get by the end of my week long fast (if I don't fuck it up agin...)

I'm also thinking about dropping out of school.

Which is more stupid than thinking about smoking. I'm really dumb lately I know.

But it's like, ugh. SCHOOL. It's so boring, so stupid. I don't even know if I want that! Like, yeah I want it because I'll get a lot of money being a psychologist and owning a clinic. BUT, do I actually need that much money? I honestly don't think so.

I just want the ocean, my mom, and some friends (which is impossible whether I'm in school or not lol).

What if I start writing. What would happen with that? What if I paint more? I've been drawing a lot lately and am actually fairly decent! Things look like they're supposed to! What if I play the piano more? Well, nothing really but I like the piano.

What I'm getting at here is, what if I surround myself with love and art? Will I sink? What would happen?

I could open a gallery. That'd be a cool job. Selling people's art! Putting on shows!

I could write books and poems.

I could take photos and try to make a living off that.

Like I don't even know. There's nothing I'm actually really good at, you know?

Ugh, life.

It's so hard.

SO SO SO HARD.

- Mint.