Oh well...
This past week has actually been good! I bought a new journal a little while ago for some new inspiration and it's working! I've been restricting to about 500 calories a day, and I fasted on Monday too. I just need to work on working out.
School has been good too, I'm slowlyyyy catching up.
But let me tell you about something that happened to me yesterday:
My best friend has decided to go on a diet so she can "get skinny super fast". This friend of mine, we'll call her B, is kinda big. But she's always been kinda big. Her whole family is kinda big, and her weight is the only constant in my life apparently because when she told me about her idea my head flipped.
First, it yelled at me for eating, "YOU FAT BITCH! NOW EVEN B WILL BE SKINNIER THAN YOU! WHY DID YOU EAT YOU WORTHLESS PEICE OF SHIT!? WHY AREN'T YOU WORKING OUT YOU LAZY FUCK!?"
If my only constant changes, then what is life?
Obviously I see this as a major competition so I'm now restricting to 300 calories. I don't think I could physically eat more than that. I was going to fast twice a week too, but I need to be smart about this and not go overboard, not yet anyway.
But I don't want her to diet because what if she has more control than I have? She probably does. What is she becomes skinnier than me? She probably will.
Then what?
And, what if, she develops an eating disorder? That would be even worse. I don't want her falling down this rabbit hole. We all know it's easy to get in, but fucking hell to get out.
I don't want her feeling guilty, and worthless, and disgusting, and fat. I don't want her counting calories without thinking, keeping a tally even when she doesn't want to. I don't want her head yelling at her for eating, or taking up space, or for being a fat whale. I don't want her constantly standing on the scale, hating the number.
God oh god, no.
But she'll diet whether I help her or not so it's really frustrating. She wants to diet to impress her boyfriend and to keep herself distracted when he's away.
We all know that with the right brain structure, this is a plan for disaster...
♥,
Mint.
Aw Mint, I totally understand.
ReplyDeleteThis happened to me when I was at Secondary School and then again at University. I was so so so jealous and freaked out and then got pissed when they could restrict better than myself because "WHAT THE HELL, why can she do it but I can't, I need to be less, no you can't weigh less, oh shit why do I weight what I weigh" and all those things you are thinking.
Most of the time their diets are diets, they like life too much to take them seriously. They are fads and phases and won't turn into eating disorders. If they do, you won't be responsible for them, but you will feel you are, no doubt.
Email me about this as much as you need to. I understand I really do.
Be careful with the fasting with christmas around the corner. you'll get a way with a ton in the new year, but be careful until then so you dont slip over the merry season when food is being shoved in your face left right and centre and you have to laugh and smile it off.
love you xxxx
I know what you're going through love! I have a co worker who I work with all the time, she is quite a bit bigger than I am, and one night we went out drinking, and I let it slip what I do. And ever since she constantly drills me about diets and is talking about how she is dieting. luckily she doesn't have much control. and so hasn't gotten far. I'm still terrified that she'll catch on that I'm stuck in this lifestyle. she thinks I just like to crash diet. If she were to ever figure it out and copy me I wouldn't be able to forgive myself. but at some level I almost want her to find out, and do it with me so that we can hold on to eachother. I'm selfish like that :(
ReplyDeleteI'm here for you love! you do have so much control and you will be able to stay smaller than her. Maybe the two of you will shrink together. her loss could be your motivation to keep strong.
Loves! xoxoxo
wow, I have been there! It was my best friend getting Gastric bypass surgery, the one who always weighed much more than me, that truly made me reach rock bottom emotionally about my weight!! To see my fat friend weighing less than me was horrible, horrible. As happy as I was for her, it was just a big slap in the face for me. Not one person left who weighs more than me!! But that's all changing now. So I guess I should thank her for motivating me. Not that I would ever have gastric, yuck.
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