Good News.

Helloo~,

I'm still in a depressed state, missing home, missing childhood... BUT I have something awesome to say.

My friend is religious and apparently her church is going to fast all throughout March, together.

She told me about this and that she was going to do it but she wanted to make sure that I'd still eat because APPARENTLY, I don't eat when she doesn't. Which I haven't noticed at all, because I'm a HUGE FAT WHORE.

ANYWAY, we talked through it and we came to the conclusion that she can't control when I eat and when I don't eat.

A.K.A. she's letting me fast with her without judgment :3 Hello support!

She also decided that she'll have to ease into it because she's never fasted before. Which is what February is about! Tomorrow, we fast. Eat "normally" (a.k.a restrict for me) on Wednesday/Thursday, then fast Friday-Sunday.

Eat Monday, Tuesday. Fast Wednesday. Eat Thursday, Friday. Fast until I go home for reading week (the 17th).

Eat reading week.

Soup until the 1st!

Then FAST-FAST-FAST.

I will not break. I have support. This is now a competition. I can do it.

I. WILL. SUCCEED.

I hope all of your days are looking up, lovelies. If not, try to do something to take your mind off of it! I know that I'm all talk, but just because I am doesn't mean that you don't have to be!

♥, Mint.

There's too many eyes in this post...

I hate today. And I hated yesterday, and there's a very good chance that I'll hate tomorrow, and the next day and the next...

I really don't think I was meant for this life thing.

The more time goes by, the more I regret not doing anything with it, and the more I miss the moment that just passed. My heels are dug deep in the dirt, fighting against the constant push of moving forward.

I don't want to "be". you know?

All I want to do is curl up into a tiny ball and disappear. Or just sleep, forever.

Oh God, how I hate this Earth...

Who are you?

'Who are you?' said the Caterpillar.

This was not an encouraging opening for a conversation. Alice replied, rather shyly, 'I-I hardly know, sir, just at present- at least I know who I was when I got up this morning, but I think I must have been changed several times since then.'

'What do you mean by that?' said the Caterpillar sternly. 'Explain yourself!'

'I can't explain myself, I'm afraid, sir,' said Alice, 'because I'm not myself you see.'

'I don't see,' said the Caterpillar.

'I'm afraid that I can't put it more clearly,' Alice replied very politely, 'for I can't understand it myself to begin with; and being so many different sizes in a day is very confusing.'

Helloo again,

Today was good for a Monday. Even though I suck at French, and can't focus enough to study anything.

Told my mom that tomorrow we're learning about eating disorders in psychology. She asked which one's we'd be learning about.

I told her probably anorexia, bulimia, EDNOS, binge eating disorder, and compulsive eating disorder.

I had to explain them all to her and after describing anorexia, bulimia, and EDNOS she was like, "Oh, is that you?" "Is that one you?" "OHHHH, that one's soooo you!!"

I said, "What are you talking about!? I don't have an eating disorder mom!"

She replied, "Yes you do! You do like, ALL of those things!"

I don't know what she meant by "all of those things" but I was kind of pissed. Mostly for three reasons:

1. She was basically laughing at me. Probably just thinking what a stupid, vain, diva, I am. Craving attention through the use of food...
2. If the cat is out of the bag, and she noticed that I had issues, why didn't she talk to me about it? Does she not care? What does she even know? I'm so fucking worthless.
3. And as dumb and cliché this is, I'm going to say it anyway, if I have an eating disorder, then why do I have no control? And why am I so fucking FAT?

I'm just an attention whore who decides to not eat sometimes. I make myself think disordered thoughts. I created this, and haven't even succeeded. Failure. Why the fuck did I even cut myself last night? Was there a reason? Probably not. And why do I feel numb all the time? Because I'm probably just bored.

Fucking fat attention seeking whore...

Ugh. I hate myself. I'm so pathetic. Why am I here? What am I doing? Who am I?

- Mint.

100

over 100 cuts, and i still can't feel a thing...

What's the Point?

Hello~,

So today I had my first real class of my higher level French and so far so good! I'm keeping up! :)

Other than that today was another pointless day.

I want to go home so bad. I don't belong here. I belong at home with my mom and my dog. The real world is much too dark and filled with sorrow to live in, and I long for the blissful days of being a little girl who came home from school all excited to tell her mom about her day.

this world is not meant for a child.

And that's just it. I'm still a child and I should've died a child because I have no use for the future. I've lived too long, and with each day that passes, I'm just dragging it out.

I need to go home.

Oh well... I'm going to go to bed. Sleeping is my favourite part of the day. It's nice to not exist for a few hours...

until you wake up.

♥,

Mint.

2011 Failure.

Hi there,

It's me... I just wanted to say that I still, very much exist. And am very unhappy with basically everything.

I was originally going to make this post a "Hi, I'm still alive and a fat whore! Talk to you when I can look in the mirror and respect the girl that looks back!" post, but what the hell! I'm here, mind as well give you something to laugh at!

My holidays were terrible. It's way to hard to go back home for two weeks and then get forced back into your university cell...

My Christmas was me crying because I didn't want to leave, and eating and eating and eating and eating to try to make me feel something. Something other than sadness.

Christmas is way different when you don't live at home... It's terrible, and incredibly depressing.

AND THEN COMING BACK TO YOUR CAGE ON CAMPUS. T_T

terrible.

I'm so alone.

No one even cares whether or not I exist!

And I'm already waaaay behind in this semester... who's bright idea was it to have a full schedule and then take an extra course on top it? Oh yeah, and said course's pre-reqs include one of the courses that I'm currently taking.

i'm going to fail. i already have...

On a brighter note! I can easily fast 3 out of the 7 days in a week! Saturday, Sunday and Tuesday. And on days that I do eat, I only have a small lunch.

All I need is control, control, control. I need control.

I'm waaay too scared to step on the scale, but I think it's a good thing to avoid it. Whenever I do use my scale, I get WAY too obsessed and step on it almost every five minutes. Time goes sooo slow that way, which makes me impatient, which makes me binge. So no scale for a very long time.

Another thing, instead of having my new year's resolution be "get to my UGW" (because obviously that's always a priority) I've decided to steal Amaris' old one of eating no chocolate. Because that is my true weakness. Hopefully no chocolate will solve a lot of problems! No cookies, no chocolate milk, no chocolate bars, no nothing! If I do lose control, at least it won't be on fatty chocolate like in the past! But let's hope there aren't any binges in 2012...

I guess that's all I have to say now... I'm lonely, I'm sad, I'm fat, I'm stressed, and I'm a failure.

Yup, me me me. I'm so fucking selfish.

Love you all! ♥

Mint.