This was not an encouraging opening for a conversation. Alice replied, rather shyly, 'I-I hardly know, sir, just at present- at least I know who I was when I got up this morning, but I think I must have been changed several times since then.'
'What do you mean by that?' said the Caterpillar sternly. 'Explain yourself!'
'I can't explain myself, I'm afraid, sir,' said Alice, 'because I'm not myself you see.'
'I don't see,' said the Caterpillar.
'I'm afraid that I can't put it more clearly,' Alice replied very politely, 'for I can't understand it myself to begin with; and being so many different sizes in a day is very confusing.'
Today was good for a Monday. Even though I suck at French, and can't focus enough to study anything.
Told my mom that tomorrow we're learning about eating disorders in psychology. She asked which one's we'd be learning about.
I told her probably anorexia, bulimia, EDNOS, binge eating disorder, and compulsive eating disorder.
I had to explain them all to her and after describing anorexia, bulimia, and EDNOS she was like, "Oh, is that you?" "Is that one you?" "OHHHH, that one's soooo you!!"
I said, "What are you talking about!? I don't have an eating disorder mom!"
She replied, "Yes you do! You do like, ALL of those things!"
I don't know what she meant by "all of those things" but I was kind of pissed. Mostly for three reasons:
- She was basically laughing at me. Probably just thinking what a stupid, vain, diva, I am. Craving attention through the use of food...
- If the cat is out of the bag, and she noticed that I had issues, why didn't she talk to me about it? Does she not care? What does she even know? I'm so fucking worthless.
- And as dumb and cliché this is, I'm going to say it anyway, if I have an eating disorder, then why do I have no control? And why am I so fucking FAT?
I'm just an attention whore who decides to not eat sometimes. I make myself think disordered thoughts. I created this, and haven't even succeeded. Failure. Why the fuck did I even cut myself last night? Was there a reason? Probably not. And why do I feel numb all the time? Because I'm probably just bored.
Fucking fat attention seeking whore...
Ugh. I hate myself. I'm so pathetic. Why am I here? What am I doing? Who am I?
- Mint.
Mint, I actually love you for writing all the things I think about myself all the time so brutally and honestly. The thing about parents is that they prefer to stay in the dark, as if not admitting it means it doesn't exist. Also I don't think people understand the seriousness of an E.D. and the mortality rate, I think they just get a bit lost and forget that food is the means but not the source of the problem. You do have problems sweetpea, but I totally understand how you feel, how you feel like a failure because you can't do it 'properlly' but there is no proper way and you know that most people with any ed other than anorexia tend to be a normal weight, or slightly under, or slightly over, it doesn't make it any less of a mental health problem.
ReplyDeleteThe thing is, I get jealous of the anorexics. I feel like there is an unwritten hierarchy, and they sit at the top, full of control. But the control isn't theirs, is it? Is control ever actually ours, or an illusion? Anyway, I am rambling and it is probably dull. WHAT I WANT TO SAY IS I LOVE YOU, and I'm sorry your mum reacted in that way. Feel free to rant and vent and moan and any and all other verb synonyms of those to me.
Love x