Dear Brain: Stop answering your own questions, it's not fair to the other children.

I made it through the weekend without a binge which is really good because it means that I'm actually getting somewhere.

Today is my fast day and it's going pretty good so far.

I always think it's weird when people count how many legit hours they've been fasting and post it on tumblr.

"5 hours into my fast! <3"

I just don't get it.

I remember last year when I was doing so well and accidentally fasted for a week without realizing it. That would've never happened if I counted down every minute.

Today I was looking at the scars on my legs and realized for the first time ever how bad they actually are.

It's weird remembering my brain telling me that I wasn't self-harming, that the cuts weren't deep enough, and that I wasn't bleeding enough to actually call it self-harm. But looking at the remains, I feel like I was definitely in deep, and it's now obvious that my scissors were in deeper.

Realizing that the future is coming is scary. What if I ever want to wear shorts? What if I want to wear a shortish dress? Or what if I ever decide that I accept myself enough to go swimming? What will I do?

I don't like to think about those things.

Now that I've told a few people about all of this stuff I think it's funny how they react. Because I'm not skinny they totally dismiss the restricting and fasting and diet pills and working out and binging until I can't move, but focus on the cutting. Where in reality, they should really be more concerned about the disordered eating.

A cut is a cut. It can bleed, it can be deep, but really, a cut is just a cut. It bleeds, it heals, it sometimes leaves a scar.

But do they realize how much your body is damaged without food for just a day? Or a week? Or constant restriction, with added binges?

I don't know, I just find it interesting because I would probably react the same. There must be something programmed in out brains to be super concerned about a person who physically cuts through their own flesh.

Maybe because it's immediate? Maybe because the only thought one connects with blood is pain?

Food is totally different because our brains connect it with pleasure, and guilt, and normality, and all sorts of other things. Healthy people juice fast, religious people fast, sometimes people are too busy and just skip meals. Why is it so bad if someone else skips a meal? Or two, or three or four...

I guess that makes sense, and I guess I just answered all of my questions, and I guess my friends' concerns aren't so weirdly focussed.

Gah.

- Mint.

I can't really see right now.

I decided that an apple and a protein drink is enough for me today, I looked in the mirror when I got home from work and there's no way I'm allowed dinner.

ALSO, when I came home at changed out of my uniform I saw this dot on my leg (see photo below). It's really weird because four hours ago (when I changed into my uniform) there was nothing there.

It's also weird because it's RIGHT on the scar, and it bumps out a bit too. WHAT IS IT?

Also, for some reason I can't really see right now. Like, it feels like my eyes are crossed or something, and it's getting progressively worse (started like 1/2 hour ago) and now I can barely see. Thank god for autocorrect I guess because I can barely see the screen right now.

This happens to me sometimes and I have no idea what it is. One time it happened at work like 2 years ago and everything was basically black for like 10 minutes and it sucked because I was a cashier at the time and you sort of need to see when you're a cashier.

Anyway, somebody tell me what's wrong with me, THANKS.

- Mint.

Six Things.

1. I'm starting my adolescence development course (finally) and for one of the assignments I get to write an essay about eating disorders AND I'M SO EXCITED BECAUSE I'M GOING TO GET 100% IF IT KILLS ME.
2. I finally worked out for the first time in forever and could feel my fucking ass bounce while I ran and it was the most disgusting thing ever and omg I can't believe how bad it's gotten and I can't believe how long it took to finally get me on the treadmill again.
3. This week hasn't actually been too bad restriction wise. I fasted on Monday; Tuesday/Wednesday were alright; Thursday I had a chocolate bar (don't ask) and a salad, and since I worked out I feel like it was a win. Today I'll have an apple, bowl of soup, and probably some sort of salad again.
4. I decided that I'm not going to buy diet pills anymore, which is a BIG deal since I've been taking them since I was like 14/15. The ones I buy (SlimQuick) are really just caffeine pills that are supposed to have the added benefit of being an appetite suppressant. It's funny because caffeine IS an appetite suppressant. Anyway, the main thing is I'm not going to buy them religiously anymore. Just on occasion, maybe. I'm just going to drink more coffee. It's more filling and a good laxative to boot (just saying).
5. Last night when I was laying in bed my stomach was growling and it was like that good kind of growl where you're like proud of yourself and it's like a sigh of relief that, ahh, you don't need food. You know? It was nice.
6. It's funny because the blog title was originally, "Two Things".

Think thin beauties! ♪

♥,

Mint.

Easy as it sounds, never quite as easily doneeee. ♪

It's funny because last week I learnt that my mother, my grannie and I where all dieting.
We weren't dieting together, it just so happened that we all started at the same time.

It's also funny because we were all restricting to around 700 calories or lower.
Family traits?

I need to lose weight.

- Mint.

Do you guys get this?

As the pressures seem to build and build, 
My mind returns to you.

You mirror my thoughts 
You mirror my emotions 

But destroy my being; 
                        peace by piece? 

Now, filling up the big black pit 
Avoiding time, 
                        reality. 

Before, closing all doors, allowing no guests to visit. 
The great hall,
                        empty. 

How I wish my doors could be closed once more 

Because with all of these guests, 
I feel as if I’m about to 

Explode.