Part 2.

Part 2:

The 16th of February was a goodish day!

The sun was out and my heart sung with summer vibes.

I texted my boring friend and asked if she wanted to go on an adventure.

She was like, "OMG, YES." so I gave her the option of either exploring trails around where we live, or  driving to the next town over to get ice cream. Obviously she chose the ice cream one hahaha which was what I was wanting to do anyway because I was craving a road trip, even if it was just an hour's drive.

I downloaded some good summer sounding songs, got an energy drink, picked her up, put my shades on, and droveeeee.

It was a fun drive for sure! Until I got pulled over for fucking speeding. I was doing 120 in a 90. But everyone else was going that fast too! I was just the last one so I was easy to catch :(

UGH. It was 200 bucks! And my first ticket! Worst thing ever. But at least I learnt that I didn't have a warrant out for my arrest for maybe hitting someone the day before hahaha

So I drove careful the rest of the day, which was LAMEEE, and BORINGGGGG.

Ice cream was amazing. We went to marble slab and I got peanut butter mixed with birthday cake, and it was like unlimited toppings day too SO I GOT LIKE EVERYTHING.

I GOT OREO AND GUMMY BEARS AND SKOR AND CAKE AND COOKIE DOUGH AND PROBZ SOME OTHER SHIT TOO. TOPPED WITH FUDGE.

FUCK YEAH.

When we got back to town we decided to explore the lakeside and take pictures and it was really nice and calming! But then we started to freeze our asses off so we went to this Mexican pub that serves avocado margaritas. Boring friend got one and I tried it and blech, too fucking creamy for me. I hate creamy things so much it's insane. I got the NORMAL margaritas because A) CLASS B) they were on special and I'm a broke ass fucking bitch 24 fucking 7.

Thennnn I think I dropped her off and that's that!

The 17th is harder to remember. It was Morgan's birthday!

Her, Dill, and I decided to go out for birthday drinks and lunch. Before that though I went out and bought her a bath bomb/EOS lip chap/moleskine as a present! I got a moleskine for Dill too because her birthday was like a week before and I missed it.

Anyway, we went out for drinks, and this other girl, J, comes too so now there's four of us. I have 2 double bellinis (special again) and then we go to J's house because these girls wanna blaze lol

I decide to pick up some alcohol first because I'd rather drink than get super fucking anxious again.

I drink half a 2/6, they get high, we talk for a good two hours. It was good! It was fun!

I drove Dill and Morgan home and I'm just so happy and bursting with love for my friends. I give Morgan a big hug before she leaves and yeah, I was just so happy.

I had plans with the boring friend after so I drove to her place singing all the way, so happy, so infinite feeling.

I get to her place, and she's watching the bachelor, so we watch it and talk when suddenly she points to my arm, "What's that?" she asks.

I look, knowing exactly what she's seeing. A couple nights before I was feeling really low, and my arm was the victim. I figured if I cut in just one place, if I do short cuts, that it'd be easier to hide. I ended up cutting a small square shape in every direction possible just where my arm bends. That's a really good spot because if it scars it looks less noticeable because of the bend and crease already present.

Anyway, I look down at the band-aid and laugh, "I don't knowwwww"

There's no point in making something up. She knows and I don't even care. I'm fucking wasted and when you're wasted why would you care?

"You cut yourself?"

"Yeah, but it's much better now. I barely do it."

"Why do it at all?"

People who have never cut themselves will never understand why someone would do it. I didn't even get it until I did it.

And no matter how much you explain it to them, their understanding never progresses.

We circle back and forth a bit with, "What about alternatives?"

When you're at that point, you don't care about "alternatives"

"Why don't you try to stop?"

Because it fucking works you idiot. It helps, plus I barely fucking do it anymore.

"Why did you start?"

Omggggg long fucking storyyyy

So I get into the depression and ED and everything, "What about medication?"

OMG CAN WE JUST STOPPPPP.

She eventually feels like it's getting too heavy and says we should go get starbucks and I totally agree so we do.

We drive around singing songs for like an hour, go back to her place, finish watching the bachelor, and then I go home!

END OF PART TWO.

Part three is what you're really waiting to read and you don't even know it yet! Be patient! Tomorrow is'a comin'!

- Mint.

The next few posts are going to be long because I've done a lot in the last 10 days apparently.

I'm going to try to make this short but I doubt that I'll succeed.

The past 10 days have been interesting to say the least. I've had a few car and cop troubles, most def.

Here's part 1:

I was supposed to get fro-yo with Dill on Valentine's day, but I guess I must've gotten a flat tire whilst driving back from the airport after dropping off the roomie for reading week. That really irked me because Dill had a family supper to go to so we just cancelled.

I was so mad. And I changed the fucking tire (I'm so experienced now, I've done a total of 3) then decided I deserve a fucking drink. I went back upstairs to my apartment (luckily I found the flat whilst still in my parking garage), got my rum, went to get mix andddddd, NO MIX.

AREEEEEE YOU FUCKING KIDDINGGGGGGG. So I went back downstairs, drove around a bit to make sure the wheel was fine/have a smoke and then got some mix, more smokes, and a little Valentine's day thing for Dill because she was still planning on coming over to watch a movie or something after her dinner.

I got back home, made a killer drink, watched some youtube and as my buzz started buzzing, I thought, FUCK IT. I'M GETTING FUCKING HAMMERED.

I had two more of "Mint's Master Mixes" (a shit ton of hard liquor with a little pop), texted my neighbour to see what he was doing (he was getting drunk with some friends and then going out so I invited Dill and I over and he said that'd be cool), told Dill to BUCK THE FUCK UP because weez goin' out, and then drove to her place at around 9.

I was already really drunk by the time I went out to get her, so I decided to fill up my flask with B's SHITTY COCONUT RUM THAT SHE GOT ME LAST YEAR, so that Dill could catch up while we went back to my place.

Turns out though that her family dinner was actually a HUGE family dinner party. They were all fucking wasted already! Which was very handy. Dill loved that I got her a Valentine's day thing (it was like a little Hello Kitty chocolate thing for 2 bucks) and her family all thought that my flask was fucking stellar too; they loved the collapsable shot glass that came with it.

So what we ended up doing (pay attention now kiddies because you're about to learn something AMAZING) is we poured the coconut rum into a plastic zip-lock and put it into Dill's bra. That way, you can bring it to the clubs without the metal detectors finding it in a flask in your bra or a bottle in your purse.

VERYYYY USEFUL INFORMATION THAT.

We did that and then shared a cab with her sister and sister's boyfriend to get to downtown. The rest of the night is kinda boring. We went club hopping (Friday's aren't the best night's to go out, especially on V-day), met some guys at this pub who said they could score us some coke, but they took too long to get it and they were boring and I didn't want to go to their place, so Dill and I peaced and just crashed at her guy friend's place.

BORING.

The next morning my dad went with me to get my tire fixed and then we had breakfast and that was niceeeee.

That night I also went and got fro-yo with Dill. We were going to go out-out but we decided that we really had no money to be dong that.

Before that though we smoked a joint and I got really fucking anxious again (will I ever learn?). And when we were driving back to her place (I drove) I was at that point where like, you suddenly realize that you don't remember how you got from block A to block B. That's really scary because suddenly, while we were waiting in a turning lane, this woman pulled up beside us and was like, YELLING at us through her window.

Dill tried to undo her window but it was locked I guess, and I couldn't figure out how to unlock it. The lady kept yelling and Dill said her face looked concerned, I thought it looked pissed as hell, so when we finally turned, and she went straight, we pulled over right away to check out the car.

Dill thought that she was yelling at us because maybe our trunk was open, or a tire was flat. But the car seemed fine. I was scared that maybe I had fucking HIT someone, but realistically I probably just majorly cut her off or was going like 30 km/h.

EITHER WAY, this did not help my anxiety, AT all. I was fucking freakinggggg. So I made Dill drive the rest of the way back to her place.

Once we got to her place and finished our fro-yo, I realized that I had made plans with the boring friend so I had to drive AGAIN. I was more calmed down by then but I was still freaking. So I splashed my face with cold water and told myself, "You're sober, you're sober, you're sober"

I started driving really fine. I was listening to music, having a grand ol' time! BUT THEN, I was rounding a corner and saw in some bushes, in a back road, a cop with its lights flashing. My heart started racing again, as I made sure I was going the correct speed (which I actually was for once). I kept looking at the cop to see if maybe I had done something wrong, but it was just sitting there, all by itself, with its lights going.

"Huh," I thought as I drove by and noted that it didn't start following me, "that was weird."

I kept going and then at a set of lights, parked on the side, WAS ANOTHER FUCKING COP CAR, WITH THEIR GODDAMN LIGHTS FLASHING. LIKE WHAT THE FUCK. IT DIDN'T HAVE ANYONE PULLED OVER, IT WAS JUST SITTING AT THIS RED LIGHT, PARKED TO THE SIDE, WITH ITS LIGHTS GOING.

I inched up to the the red light, praying that it'd change before I had to come to a full stop and wait for the longest minute of my life. It changed, thank god.

I watched the cop through the rearview mirror to make sure it didn't follow me, and it didn't thank god again.

At this point I'm fucking flipping. "Omg omg omg, I probably hit someone. I hit someone and didn't even realize. And that bitch was yelling at me because she saw it. And she got my license plate number and omg she reported me. And now they're on the look out for me and now they found me and are cornering me in and then I'm going to end up at a road block and omg omg omg what do I do, I can't go to jail."

I drive a block to the next light which is red and BOOM, ANOTHER FUCKING COP PULLED OVER WITH ITS LIGHTS GOING. This time though they were on the intersecting street so I felt a bit better.

"You're sober you're sober you're sober. Everything is fine and you've done nothing wrong."

I was sitting at this light. Trying to look relaxed. Trying not to stare down the cops to my left. Trying to be casual. But the song that was playing. Omg I hated it. I wanted to change it so bad.

"But," I thought, "what if they see me and pull me over for distracted driving? AND THEN THEY FIND OUT THAT I'M THE ONE THEY'RE LOOKING FOR BECAUSE I HIT A PERSON AND BECAUSE I'M HIGH AND OMGGGG."

It was such a bad song though!! So I incognito-ly reached for my phone and changed the song as I was panicking internally hahaha omg I'm so dumb.

After that I saw no more cops and made it back to the highway and eventually to my friend's place!

She never has any open parking stalls in her parking garage so I usually park in the handicap stall. This time though, when I did it there was a guy at the elevator fucking WATCHING ME DO IT.

"Fuck." I thought, "Hopefully he's gone by the time I slowlyyyy get out of the car so that I don't have to say something about it. Because I'm definitely going to have to say something, HE FUCKING WATCHED ME DO IT."

So I slowly gather my shit from the car, right? And slowlyyyyy walk on over. But no dice, he's there and I have to say something.

"Hey, don't tell anyone that I'm the ass who takes the fucking handicap stall alright?"

He laughs as we walk into the elevator, "Nah, I won't tell on you!"

Shit. As soon as he opens his mouth I know, I KNOWWWWW, that he was one of the guys from last night! The guys who were supposed to score Dill and I some coke! AND I AM WEARING THE EXACT SAME FUCKING OUTFIT.

"OMGGGGGGG" I think as I prepare myself for the most awkward elevator ride of my life. "Just don't say anything, just look down, just look down."

"Uh hey, were youuuu…." he starts, "at O'Flaniggan's last night?"

"Yeahhhhh," I not full of shame, "that was meeeeeee…"

We both laugh and I'm like, "FUCK. As soon as you opened your mouth, I was like, 'omg, is that-?'"

He laughed again, "Yup! It was you and that other girl right? What did you end up doing after?"

"We just ended up crashing. What about you, did you ever get your shit?"

"Yeah, we were up until like 7 or something."

The door opens, thank GOD he doesn't live on the same floor as my friend, "Well nice seeing ya again!" he says as he gets out.

"Yeah, I'll see you around!"

OMGAH THAT WAS FUCKED. I've never seen a person that I've met in a bar before just out and about you know?

SO I get to my friend's, tell her about my crazy adventure to her place and ask what she wants to do. She originally wanted to watch a movie but now she was leaning towards drinks. Which I was so down with because I was still kinda skittish.

She even gave me a drink while she was getting ready which really fucking helped my nerves.

We ended up going to the pub near where we live and had bellinis (they were on special) and appies and then she was done by midnight.

I didn't want to go to sleep though! I was ready to party and decided, "HOO CAREZ EEF I HAZ NO MONEYZ" so I texted literally everyone I know to see who would go out with me but no diceeee :( which is probably a good thing because I ended up passing out at 1.

So there's part 1! I'll post part 2 tomorrow probably! Fuck this week was insane looking back...

- Mint.

Today was supposed to be good but then it sucked, you know?

I was going to paint and it was going to be lovely.

But instead I binged on pizza and watched movies and then I tried to purge and couldn't and so I was just filled with regret and self-hatred.

Oh and wanna know how pathetic I am? Somehow I got blood on my white sheets and white pillow cases from cutting last night. And then I got fucking PIZZA on the sheets too. Like wtf man, my life is so embarrassing.

I also beat everyone's score on flappy bird and they all just tapped out of the competition and I feel like that's not fair! I feel like my victory is so understated like grrrrrrrr.

AND, B! I just realized that that one text post I made on tumblr,

You're alone because you asked for it you arrogant bitch.

Might make you think that it's about you. The only reason I say that is because whenever someone posts something that could remotely be meant for me, I think it was meant for me; even if it makes no sense at all (goes back to the unpleasant days of nex).

It's not about you if you were wondering lol it's about this girl I follow on tumblr. I met her in first year and she always vents on tumblr about having no one, and no one cares about her, blah blah blah, and I've on several occasions sent her long heartfelt messages asking how she was, how she was doing, and that if she ever felt lonely she could talk to me, and that I understood the feeling of being utterly alone etc. etc. etc.

And most times this bitch won't even reply. I called her out on it once and she said she was bad at remembering to reply to things and that she appreciated it. Which is utter bull, so like, wtf. She's ginger so maybe that's it...

So anyway, today she wrote a text post saying:

I've invested too much of myself into all of these people that eventually once they all left, I had nearly nothing left.

and then later:

If there's one thing this life has taught me it's that I'm in it alone.

And so I just posted my post in hopes that she'd see it because I'm a bitch and I don't even care anymore.

But yeah, I just didn't want you accidentally thinking that it was about you because if I were in your position, I'd def think it was about me.

I have nothing else to say, but I wish I did.

- Mint.

Fucking hate everything right now.

I got day drunk with one of my boring friends and life was kinda fun. Now I'm sober and it's not fun at all.

I wish I had someone to make me feel better when I'm feeling like this. I wish I could just make myself feel better when I'm feeling like this.

The problem with people though is that they focus too much on people.

I hate everything. Life is so shitty.

Can't find my razor. I had to cut with my fucking tweezers last night. Goddamn, probably going to have to do that again tonight because my razor isn't anywhere to be seen.

UGHHHHHHH.

- Mint.

I've been a witness to too many tears this week, shed by too many of my loved ones.

Seriously though.

And it's so hard, answering your phone, hearing someone you love so dearly, balling their eyes out.

Or talking to someone and having their emotions spill over in front of you.

It's hard. But I think it's harder when it's over the phone, because there is literally nothing you can do to comfort them.

Sure you can spew words into their ears, let them spew theirs back, but how does help at all really?

I'm lucky with boring friend. When she calls me and is in tears, I can go there and actually give her a hug or be in her presence, just so she has someone close.

With mom, it sucks because normally I'm so far away, but this week was good because she was actually here, in front of me… wow, that's sort of a morbid sentence there.

With B however, it's a very different story.

She calls me, in tears over her breakup and what can I do? Nothing. Fucking nothing.

My best friend is physically breaking and she has no one by her side. Her family is in a different town, her friends are all over the fucking place, no where remotely close, and I've never even been in a relationship so I have no fucking idea what to say.

She's blaming herself which makes no sense to me. She didn't do anything! Nothing that he feels now is her fault. She didn't change, he did.

He's the type of person who likes to avoid his problems by pretending that they're not there. But B, she can sense that there's stuff going on with him, and that it's bothering him. So she asks him what's up. But that makes him remember his problems, and I don't think he wants to think of them consciously.

I really think that he opted for the breakup because he could tell that B wasn't happy. And that if he couldn't make himself happy, how could he make B happy? I know he cares about her, even though he might not show it in the ways that he should, and so, if B isn't happy, if he couldn't make her happy, because he's not happy, then he saw breaking up as a way to potentially make her happy in the long run.

Which is a dumb decision because it's tearing her apart. I wish it was easier to deal with one's problems, but it's not so you can't hate him too much because I really do think he just wants her to be happy…

ANYWAY, it's hard because I just want my best friend to be happy! I don't want her all alone and crying! No one should be lonely when they feel so crappy. I wish she'd believe me when I said that she did nothing wrong, I wish she didn't have to feel everything she's feeling, I wish she could see the future and be happy for what's going to happen, I wish she was here, I wish I was there, I wish we were together.

I wish life wasn't so hard, and that bad things didn't happen to good people.

I'm so sorry B, I really wish I could help. I'm no good with this sort of advice. I hear you crying and all I can do is laugh in hopes of you maybe breaking out of the clouds and laughing with me. Because honestly, I really don't know what to say.

Your heart must be shattered, your stomach must be sinking. Your eyes red, your nose red, your body weak and empty.

Blahhhh, I just wish I could help! I wish I could live your pain for you, you know? I wouldn't mind, I swear to god! Just send it on over!

In the mean time, read the funny book I lent to you, and try to keep yourself distracted. Time will come and go and one day you'll be okay, I promise. Things will get better, even though everything's just so fucking flipped over and upside down, fucked every which way.

Call me anytime though, like I said I have this week off, I won't be doing shit all really. Call me, and I'll always try my best; even though I know it's not good enough, I'll always try!! <3

- Mint.

I'm really bored today, fuck.

I've been gone for awhile, hey?

Sorry about thaaaaat, my mom came to town to visit. And my dad did too apparently.

My parents are divorced by the way. It's not like they don't get along or anything, it's just weird and annoying and stressing when I have to deal with both of them at the same time. So it's probably a good thing that they're divorced!

I had to ditch them both on a few occasions just to go for a drive, clear my head, and have a few smokes. Thank god for that too.

Thursday is when my mom finally left (my dad only stayed for two nights) and I worked that afternoon too. I was originally only supposed to work 1-5:30, but one of the girls was really sick so they asked me to stay until 8. By the time they asked me it was around 6 (I stayed late to buy some shirts) so I was like sureeee no problemmmmm. I had nothing better to do.

But apparently I did have something better to do, because almost as soon as I said that I'd stay later, my boring friend phoned me, needing a ride to the hospital.

She had a surgery done earlier that day so like a 5 year birth control thing, I don't know. But yeah, she was coming out of the anesthetic and feeling immense pain. She was throwing up and yeah, she needed a ride.

I told my boss and they let me go, so that was good! It wasn't a major emergency or anything, so it was a pretty chill ride. I got to have a few smokes and chug my coffee (the district manager was in that day so I wasn't allowed to have my coffee at the front apparently, GAAAAAAY).

I came back and only had an hour and fifteen minutes left so it wasn't that bothersome. Even though the store was completely DEAD the whole time.

After work I texted Dill (because Morgan is out of town right now) and asked if she wanted to go out, because I really needed to go out.

She was down but she was already pre drinking at this pub, so I told her I'd pre drink at home because I'm broke, and then I'd meet up with her.

I was nervous about meeting her at the club because, A) I hate doing things by myself B) I suck at finding people C) I didn't want to wait in the line by myself/cab myself

BUT, I got my rookie to drive me down, I met this girl in the lineup, paid for cover to get in faster, and found Dill really easy!

The night was good because I'm getting more into the bar crowd here and actually know people!!

Dill got a SHIT TON of free M from this guy because she said it was her birthday which was rad, and I hung out with that girl I met in the line up a lot of the night too because we were really wanting to dance.

At the end of the night, we were all going to go to this after party but one of Dill's friends was all crying and upset and shit because I guess Dill told her that they'd only go to the club and no where after. This girl had an 8 o'clock class in the morning and all her shit was at Dill's place.

AND FOR SOME STUPID FUCKING REASON, I was like, you can stay at my place! I'll drive you to Dill's in the morning! Don't worry about it!

Which was dumb. Because I wanted to go to the after party. Fuck.

But whatevs, good karma I guess… Good karma.

I want to go out tonight too, but we'll see what happensssss. I just want to go out and dance all the time. That's all I want from life lol

- Mint.