To Settle

set·tle¹

ˈsedl/

verb

verb: settle; 3rd person present: settles; past tense: settled; past participle: settled; gerund or present participle: settling

• to make calmer or quieter

• to accept or agree to (something that one considers to be less than satisfactory)

Okay so likeeeeee

COULD YOU TELL ME WHY I WOULD LIKE THAT? WHY THAT SEEMS LIKE A THING I WOULD LIKE TO DO? DOES THIS SEEM TO SUIT ME?

The person who freaked out about being in the same town for a year? The person who tries desperately to ignore the fact that she has worked at the same place for over a year? The person who freaks out when nothing has gone wrong for awhile; who self-sabotages out of doubt and boredom?

The person who NEVER wants kids and NEVER EVERRRR OMGGGGG NEVER wants a house?

The person who’s only two speeds are unmoving/basically dead and tornado of explosion and chaos, you think it’s a good idea to like... yank them out of the sky when they’re in a flurry and “calm them down”? You think it’s a good idea to take someone who’s in sloth mode and slow them down even more? That’s what you think huh?

Well jeez, I must be a fucking idiot.

May 4th, 2018 (I think this is one of the best poems I’ve ever written)

May 4th, 2018:

“I wish we could be the we we were before.
When you were Billy the Kidd and I was your ride or die;
who’d fly like a dove,
high in the sky
with you by my side.

But you lost people
And I lost people
And our powder put us in a lockdown

A chokehold you kept me in but you were the one suffering.
Gasping for breathe,
and voice
because I was all you had left
and you knew I was fading fast
so your grip was claiming to the past

Of what you knew and what we were and what we were
fighting for...
this thing called love.

but it was more than that
it was freedom
it was youth

it was adventure. it was true,
that we lived...

it was colours that we saw
and breathed deeply into our lungs
with nicotine and coco in sweet
puffs.

a feeling of euphoria with every step we took together

fuck; everything was so lush.
rose-coloured glasses that were ripped off our stupid little faces
and smashed right in front of us
with our own two feet...

we walked straight into it
the night we met in that bar

when you took me and we played pool
when I sang that song in the car

young and beautiful...
I wasn’t less, I wasn’t more

we watched the sunrise and I felt infinite
you kissed me; made me soar

sore
for many a reason
hurts, unspeakable truths

the siren’s song I sing

but with that kiss, that touch, that smile...
eternal sunshine is what you bring.

your soul of souls is the mate to mine,
but in this life we’re forecasted cloud.

And I sit here longing for the you you no longer are.
mourning the death of a man who still breathes
who’s soul shifted the universe in a way I couldn’t keep up with.

you held me so tightly; a force only spoken in myth.

cold hands; a death grip you used on my heart.

I still feel the kitchen floor underneath me.

I still feel your pin

But why is the you holding me now, not the man I loved then?”

"I have a lion heart mixed with winds of twins;
my soul was never meant to know peace and quiet."