2nd post of the nightttt.

"Don't ever tell anybody anything. If you do, you start missing everybody."

I don't understand people. I don't understand how, once they've put some alcohol into their systems, they open up. I don't understand how people can't do that just in general. I don't understand their walls. Especially after you've opened up to someone whilst drunk. How can you suddenly close your doors once the sun sobers your thoughts?

I don't get it, and it's frustrating.

I'm the type of person who meets someone, decides immediately whether or not they like them, and decides immediately whether or not they want to share their entire lives with them. I don't get people who don't do that.

What's with this whole, "building a relationship" thing? If you sit down like, "Yeah let's maybe be friends, I don't know, something bad could happen, let's stretch this out and move forward as slowly as possible." What's with that? It's like saying nothing's going to happen before the happening even has a chance!

When I meet someone, I feel like I can see exactly who they are. And if I like who they are, I get so fucking excited. Visions of the future race through my head. Summer road trips, lazy afternoons, walks, and adventure. But that's just not how most people work! I'm learning this. And I won't let it catch me off guard again.

Most people are good, I know that. But not everyone wants to share it, I'm learning that.

I'm making a rule for drunk Mint to follow, so that her poor heart doesn't get squished by these dicks that roam the earth.

"You're so interesting!"

Too bad people have a short fucking attention span.

The rule is this: If you meet someone who seems to follow the same vibes as you, someone who you want to befriend and see the world with, just fucking be real, just fucking ask them, "Do you want to be friends? No, legit friends. Like, can I call you tomorrow, can we do something? What are you doing tomorrow? Don't be polite here, look through the fuzziness, can we be friends?"

Because if they say yes, then you have a friend! BUT, if they back out, then fuck themmmm because their core is filled with utter shit. You know? You feeeeeeel?

I hate politeness. Absolutely hate it. It's so fake, there's nothing polite about it. What's polite about being sweet and kind and friendly one day, just to turn around and be a complete asshole the next? NOTHING.

I'd rather have someone be all up in my face, rude as fuck, than have them turn up a fake ass smile.

So drunken Mint, there you are. Don't make the same mistake anymore, don't trust everyone's openness, it's clouded with liquid truth, painted with hazy confidence.

- Mint.

A soul is not to be sold.

I quit IGA last night. I told my boss that I got offered a job as a line cook in a place that will pay for my red seal. I told her normally I wouldn't just leave a job empty handed like this, but it was an offer in the right direction for me, and I had to bounce.

It was all a lie of course. I haven't heard back from that job yet, I probably won't. I just didn't want her to hate me though… evennnnnn though she totally did.

WHATEVZ, I just had to. And you wanna know why? Let me tell you WHY.

By working there, I'm selling my soul. And do you know what I realized about a soul? It's all you've got.

Honestly, just think about it. Your soul is your everything. It means more than your body, than your experiences. It's the only thing you come to this life with; the only thing you take when you pass.

Your soul is the only thing in this whole goddamn world that's real. It's not your personality (which can be altered and influenced and burned and moulded), it's your fucking core.

For example, that whole "lion heart" thing I always rant about. That's my soul, that's what it is. I may have days of isolation, and total darkness, but the fact of the matter is that no matter how hidden my soul becomes, that's my main being. It's your life existence. Does this make sense?

I feel life is all about allowing your soul to breathe. Don't let it sit in a corner to rot, life is about getting through the obstacles of having a body and of society and pressures and everything to express your soul. The point of life is being.

Does this actually make sense though?

Anyway, the point being is that, if you feel that you're selling your soul at any point of your life, you've gotta get out. Fast. Selling the only thing you have in this fucked up place is suicide. And whatever you're selling it for, is not worth it.

I want you guys to know this, because I feel like it's important. And work isn't the only place where a soul can be sold; ohhhhhh no.

Relationships, FRIENDships, family, school, within yourself. You can divide it into crystal-like pieces, and pass around your everything, in hopes of getting back something better. But trust me, there's nothing better. You will end up dead and completely hollow inside.

So my advice to anyone who feels like they're emptying themselves, is to just get. out.

Don't run though, stand firm, walk firm, remember to breathe. If you're running, you're fleeting, which will lead you to self-destruction. Trust me, I started running last week, fucking bought a hamster, fucking returned that shit, fucking did this, fucking did that. If you're running, it'll feel like your mind is a tornado, your insides will feel chaotic; you won't stand still. If you feel like that, you're definitely running.

Getting out, you have to be firm with your decision here. You have to know, within yourself, that this is the right decision. You know it's what's best for you, and you know that whatever you're buying with your pieces is worth shit all. If you can't accept this, you fucking need to bro, sorry but just, open your goddamn eyes and realize that this is your life, not anyone else's. What's the point in pleasing other people if you're miserable for all of eternity? It's not selfish to live for yourself, and anyone who says otherwise is just fucking pathetic. I can't stress this enough, you need to live for yourself. You neeeeeeeed to! You're all that you have! You're all that matters!

That's why you absolutely must NOT sell yourself. Get out, and live for better things, because there are better things out there. Ask yourself where you want to be, what you want to spend your time doing. If you don't like where you are, fucking moveeeeee. There's not enough time to linger, I swear to god. Don't let opportunities pass you by because you were nervous or doing something else, or fucking had your eyes closed.

Be alert, know what's good for you, know what's not. Test the waters, get out when you're not happy. Yeah sometimes it's scary dropping these things, you know, walking away, but think about it, really think about it. Is what you're doing worth you're entire entity. It never is.

Sorry, sorry for this rant. But I needed to say it. I needed to get it out. Fuck, one would think I'm drunk right now (I get madddd philosophical when I'm drunk, it's so embarrassing).

DRUNK OFF LIFE. lmao nah I'm totally kidding, fucking sick as hell right now, wouldn't mind being off'd just to free myself from this cold.

- Mint.

Things are happening.

Kay so a bunch has happened in the past few days.

I ate prawn and crab sushi which was pretty good and I also had a piece of ham and pepperoni pizza (just because that's what was served).

I also bought a hamster, but I returned it back the next morning because it was EVIL.

I met Morgan's best friend from high school, Dill and she super dope. We're besties now.

Us three went out on Thursday and ended up going to an after party where I did DRUGZ for the first time other than weed! I did a few lines of molly and one of coke, and then I did not sleep for the entire night.

I ended up falling asleep at 8 in the evening on Friday, and waking up at 1 in the afternoon on Saturday. It was intenseeeee.

And THEN! Last night Morgan and I met up with Dill and her guy friends' house and then we all went out to this killerrrrr club which I haven't even heard of before! It's so sick, the whole place is dark as hell but they got cool party lights and all the walls are covered in graffiti with glow in the dark paint accents!

It was cool too because a lot of the people I met on Thursday came out to this too so it was like WOAH I KNOW PEOPLE.

We got more M and danced and socialized and it was a good time!

At about 4 we ended up going back to Matt's place (where we started), and SOMEHOW we like fucking bonded or something, but I just remember suddenly talking to him about like EVERYTHING, music, and summer, and movies, and we have the same music interest and he thought that was dope.

We all ended up watching this movie and him and I shared this chair and cuddled and I was like WOAH how did this happen? I'm never the girl that ends up with the guy. Like, I can't get over it.

After the movie we all decided to go to bed, and everyone got to sleep in the couches, but I got to sleep in his bed with him.

**Spoiler alert: I couldn't fall asleep at all, so I've had two all-nighters this week! AND I WORKED 1-9 TODAY WHICH SUCKED.

Anyway, we made out and felt each other up and shit, but I couldn't have sex with him. WHICH AGAIN IS VERY ANNOYING.

I just wish that I was comfortable with my body, you know? Because that's what keeps happening here, I hate my body, and don't want anyone looking at it. It's like my ugly little secret.

Anyway, after we finished making out and grinding and all that jazz, it was like 6-7 and he started falling asleep and it was so cute, cause apparently he's like a fucking cuddle monster.

Every time I'd like, reposition myself, he'd immediately come back snuggling. It was even funnier because like, I'd move, he'd pull me in and kiss me for a bit, he'd get settled in his cuddle position, and then fall asleep until I moved again lolol

And then when I had to leave at like 11 with Morgan and Dill he was like, "NOOOO STAY HEREEEE" and being like, "COME BACK AFTER WORKKK I'LL BE HEREEEEE. WE COULD CUDDLE AGAINNNN"

That didn't happen, but he got my number and I have his and there's that. He's like Dill's BEST from when she was growing up too so I'm sure I'll see him again really soon.

And now we're all caught up on my life! Hurray!

- Mint.

❯-( ● w ● )-❮

I finally made it to the bakery!

I woke up at 6 this morning planning on going down there asap, so that downtown wouldn't be busy and to show that I was eager.

But I didn't get out of bed until 6:40… Didn't get out the door until 7:30.

I was so nervous, even while getting ready I was like, whatever, I don't need to do this, I don't need to work there, it's fine.

BUT, I got my ass out the door and drove down there. Got scared, drove around the whole city, was going to go home, got mad at myself, drove back down, found a parking spot, walked in.

8:30.

But the manager wasn't in until 9 I guess so I left because I was scared to sit there for half an hour. But I'm fine with that because I went and picked up Subway and ate the cookies while driving back to the bakery. They were so soft and I was so proud of myself.

I got back down, panicked because I couldn't find a parking spot, looped around, calmed down, parked, walked in again.

I had to wait because the lady basically just got in when I did, so I sat at the bar and read a newspaper article on why they should lower tobacco prices.

I met the lady, told her what a terrible person I was for not showing up, but how I really wanted to work there. She took my resume, seemed impressed because I could basically help out in any part of the bakery so hopefully I get a call to come back. And then I'll go back, and not be scared.

If I don't get that job, I'm going to apply to other restaurants as a line cook or prep cook. Because, lately, my mind has been wanting to cook, work with food. I'm not too sure whether or not it's because I'm reading Kitchen Confidential by Anthony Bourdain, but I'm not going to fight it.

Working with food is fun, and fast paced. And I think I like that in a job. Plus it's a trade, and once I get in at one place, I could get in other places, anywhere really.

Another thing, I'm breaking my 10 year vegetarianism today. This past week I've been craving like, shrimp and cocktail sauce, and like, a spider sushi roll. Which is fucking weird because I've never in my life tasted either.

But as this craving was going on, and as I was realizing that I haven't even tried so many food I started having like an existential crisis.

I've never even tried so many things! It's like not being able to see certain colours! How is that living? Not experiencing, how is that living?

I've spoken to a few of my friends about this, and to my parents too and everyone's like, "Don't try it. Think of the lives you're saving! You don't need meat, it's not worth it!"

Which I feel is an odd response. Because, when you're a vegetarian and people find out, they usually flip. "You're a vegetarian? I would never be able to do that. You know plants are living too right? So you're killing shit anyway? You know that it's not healthy for you to not have meat right? Right? Right? Right!?" So when I'm considering tasting some fucking fish, and people are advising me against it, I just want to fucking slap them. Stop fucking telling me what to do! I mean, fuck, get over yourselves. I'm not going to suddenly become a carnivore, and even if I do, what of it?

How does what I eat affect you in anyway? Whenever deciding what restaurant to go to, people make such a big fucking deal, "Oh wait, can you eat anything there?"

YES. YES I CAN. I CAN EAT ANYTHING ANYWHERE, IT'S NOT HARD FOR ME TO SAY, "THAI CHICKEN SALAD, NO CHICKEN, THANKS" WHERE IT TAKES YOUUUU YEARS TO FIGURE OUT WHAT YOU WANT.

GET OVER YOURSELVES OMNIVORES.

Anyway, I'm going for sushi today, and I'm going to taste crab. And hell, if I want to try something else with meat in it in the future, I just fucking might.

I might become a goddamn chef. I just might. I just might taste every fucking thing I can get my hands on, just to know what it's like.

Who knows what I'll do? I'm fucking wilddd bitch.

- Mint.

Alive with the glory of love.

Yesterday was better.

Today is better too.

I think I just had to go outside. Get out of my head, even though there was nothing even there. It's not like my mind was racing or anything, but it was cold in there, and foggy, and dark. And I think that's depressing. So work was good, because I got out.

I didn't quit obviously (I never seem to quit when I originally want to quit, it's getting tiring and predictable) but work was hella boring. I was half an hour early for each of my breaks which was so annoying and boring. Because, there's stuff to do once you come back from break of course, but you have to do it at a certain time, you know? Like, for example, I can't bag the buns that are in the bun case until 7 because what if there are still customers wanting buns?

It's sort of funny really, because I was so nervous that I'd be behind, and that I'd never finish, or I'd forget something.

But I didn't. I was early, finished everything, remembered everything, I'm fucking amazing. But this is a problem. It's my fourth shift, my first non-training shift, and I'm already bored. I already have everything down, there's no challenges. So I need another job. Quickly.

I was going to go to that downtown bakery again today, try to see if I could make it inside this time, but I think I'm going to chicken out again. It takes a lot of courage to go in, bother someone who's working to say, "Hey! I'm that girl who was supposed to come in for an interview but never showed! I'm back two weeks later, wanna hire me!? :D " So maybe I'll just let it be.

I wish I could do things by myself… I wish I could get over it. I know avoiding these things doesn't help, but it's too scary to face.

On a lighter note, I'm reading Oscar Wilde's, The Picture of Dorian Gray and holy shit it's fantastic. Apparently it's Wilde's only novel, but I have his complete collection of other work to go through later and if it's anything like this book, it'll all be fabulous.

I'm only on chapter three, but every second line is something that makes you think, it makes you want to quote. I'll probably go through the book once more after I'm done and highlight all the thoughts I want to remember on a whim. Even the preface is amazing. I love it, and I love Lord Henry. He's so cheeky and all, making people think and question. I love it. B, I hope you like it too, I'll send it to you once I've finished, or maybe once I've gone through it again with the highlighter? I don't know, what do you think?

P.s! Have you finished The Catcher in the Rye yet!? Did you like it?? Omg I still love it. I still want Holden's hat really bad.

I think that's everything I have to say for now! Hopefully my sun keeps this shine up!

- Mint

Well that sure was an interesting post.

I'm quitting IGA tomorrow, I decided that it's just too much for me.

Like, it's not the job I was expecting. I was told that everyone gets to do a bit of everything, which I thought included baking but no, they don't bake anything, and I don't even get to put the frozen things in the oven. I clean and package.

I didn't know that the bakery had to man the store's phones either, meaning use the intercom when someone has a phone call. That's the biggest issue for me. I remember when I worked as a cashier in a grocery store during high school, how much I hated the intercom. I couldn't do it, I'd just make up prices if something wouldn't scan, I'd pretend I couldn't see how big the line of customers was getting, and I'd pretend I didn't need a bagger all to avoid it. Because I couldn't do it then, and I can't do it now. I slur my words too much, my voice goes from a roar to a peep, and I get shaky and just shut down. I'm not going to do it.

Also, mentally, I don't think I can do two jobs right now. Especially one where I'm by myself half the shift, and where I work evenings. Working nights kills me for some reason. I feel like the evening should be spent at home. But I also feel like the mornings should be spent enjoying the day. Afternoon is the only time of day I dislike, and would rather be inside, at work. This paragraph has no importance really, I just noticed that. Shame.

So yes, the thing is, I'm quitting. Immediately.

Tomorrow is my last shift and I don't know what I'll be doing next.

But I have to. My soul is fragile and this job isn't helping any. At least I have my other job.

My dad is spending tomorrow night here because he has an interview on Monday in a town near the city.

I'm really grateful that he's coming actually. The last couple days I've been in a pit of depression. Crying way too much, needing hugs, needing home.

His interview is Monday and since I no longer work Monday, I'm hoping I can just tag along with him because I just need to be beside somebody I know right now...

Lately I'm realizing that I'm happy with nothing.

I hate daytime because everyone can see me. I hate nighttime because I can't see people seeing me.

I hate cities because it seems like everyone has someone but I'm just here, alone. I hate small towns because there aren't enough people, and so if you're standing somewhere by yourself, you stand out more.

I hate cities because you know no one. I hate small towns because you know everyone.

I hate my mom being around me because she's so annoying. I hate my mom not being around me because then I miss her.

I hate being home. I hate being here.

I hate working because I have no time for anything. I hate not working because I have too much time.

There's just so much hate running through my veins and I just wish everything would stop being so contradicting in my mind. I hate it, and I hate myself for having these views and opinions.

I also hate myself for being fearful of everything. Because I've noticed now, I'm afraid of everything. I'm afraid of looking out my window, I'm afraid of walking downstairs, I'm afraid of red lights because everyone stops around you and can see you. I'm afraid of being in people's way. I'm afraid of parking, and walking, and blinking, and breathing.

I'm afraid of people. So goddamn much, it's insane. Because, people are everywhere, and you can't escape them. You can't escape the eyes.

It's so dumb though, because you are truly just an ant. You are of little to no importance to any of the other ants around you. You are tiny, and you look like everyone else. No one seriously cares. Fuck, I don't even care. But for some stupid reason, I think everyone cares, even though I know they don't. I think that a spotlight follows me everywhere I go, and that all eyes are on me at every moment, and it's so scary. People are so scary.

What I'm trying to get at here is, my anxiety and depression are getting out of control and they're definitely bumping heads, and coming together to crumble up my entire life (not that I really care about this "life" I've got going on). I should probably see someone, but I won't. I won't ever, because what are they going to do? Seriously. They'd give me little tasks and exercises to do so I could cope and get over it. I'd look at it and see bullshit. I'd lie in sessions, I'd censor myself, I wouldn't want to take medication. So what's the point?

I'd like not to be scared anymore, and I'd like to enjoy things. But I know that it's not going to happen. I know that these mountains are too tall to climb. I know that I'm too weak to complete the journey.

- Mint.

FUCKING BITCHES.

ALRIGHT, MY FUCKING BORING FRIEND. LET'S GOOO:

SO last night, this bitch was like, "OMG, I'VE BEEN FASTING FOR ALMOST 24 HOURS AND LIKE, OMG I'M SO HUNGRY. AT 7:30 IT'LL BE 24 HOURS, WANT TO GET SUSHI?"

Now, anyone who's ever fucking actually fasted will understand how IRRITATING these annoying ass whores are when they go on a "cleanse" or "diet" or "detox", because all you ever hear is, "OMG I'M LIKE SO HUNGRY. OMG LIKE, I'M NOT EVEN HUNGRY. OMG LIKE, I FEEL SO GOOD CAUSE LIKE, I'M LIKE, CLEANSED. JUST LIKE, MY BODY FEELS SO GOOD YOU KNOW? OMG I'M SO HUNGRY IT'S BEEN LIKE, 9 HOURS." and it's like SHUT UP. I don't care, I don't care, I don't fucking care. Like, I can only take so much of it before I fucking SNAP.

This bitch had been talking about it ALL FUCKING DAY, and I was trying to be good, like, it really shouldn't bother me. It shouldn't! Any normal person I feel might get a little irritated from hearing about it all goddamn day, so I shouldn't flip. I should just bite my fucking tongue.

I was like, "Yeah sure, let's get some fucking sushi!" and then she decides, nahhh imma ORDER sushi, and then her plan was that we could watch a movie together. I was down with that, it was fine, it was all fine.

BUT THEN, she's like, "Let's get this 17 piece deal! It comes with 4 rolls and it's only like, ten bucks each!" whichhhhh, for a vegetarian is a fucking rip off. A kappa roll is like three bucks, a veggie probably only four. AND, out of the 4 rolls, the only vegetarian one was yam. And I don't even fucking like yam. I knew she'd want to share all of them because she's a fucking pig when she eats normally; let alone while breaking a fucking fast.

So I was like, "Could we switch one of the meat one for a veggie roll?" and it was this huuuuuge ordeal like, "Do they even have veggie rolls?" "Should I just ask to switch it?" YES THEY HAVE VEGGIE ROLLS. YES JUST FUCKING ASK, IT'S A STEAL FOR THEM EITHER WAY.

So she finally ordered it and was like, "You're the best! I'll pay ten bucks, and it's on your way to my house. The order is under my name."

EXCUUUUUUSE YOU? I just told you all about how I couldn't fucking go downtown by myself and now you want me to pick up a fucking meal for TEN by myself?

Fuck. It wasn't even on the way. She was like, "I'd pick it up but I'm too light-headed to drive."

OMG SHUT UPPPP. I FAST FOR 24 HOURS EVERY FUCKING DAY. I ONLY EAT SUPPER. BUCK UP BITCH. BUCK THE FUCK UP.

By this point I was soooo done. Fuck this, I'm not eating any goddamn supper tonight, I'm going to fucking fast for two days now you dumb cunt.

So I picked up the goddamn food because I was too mad to care about the eyes and fucking brought it to her goddamn house. I waited for ten minutes while she skyped with her family, RUDEEEE, listened to her talk about how it's now been 26 hours since she ate anything, and then told her I was gonna bounce.

She made a huge ordeal about me not taking anything, so I took half of my veggie roll, went home, threw it out, and then ranted to B.

I felt better after that, which is good because I was supposed to go to the mall with her today to buy black shoes for me, and so that she could get a "businessy outfit".

Supposed to.

I couldn't sleep last night so I was a bit late. She fucking texted me like three times before I was even supposed to be there, and I was like, "Yeah imma be a bit late, so if that bothers you I'll just meet you there I guess." she said it didn't bother her so there we gooo.

I told her when I was leaving and while I was driving she was like, "Should I just meet you there?" and then right when I was at the lights to turn to her place, "Okay, I'll meet you there I'm leaving now."

FUCK YOUUUUU BITCH.

I was like, "Dude I'm right by your fucking house." like, you don't just leave when someone is on their way. Especially when the way to their house is the opposite direction of the final destination.

So she was like, "Omg, kay just meet me at this place by my house then." and I replied with, "Nah bitch I'm already gone."

And I just went home. Like I'm so sickkkkk of these people. These people who are like fucking PUMPKIN. Like seriously, fucking THINK before you goddamn act.

Anyway, I'm home now, and while I was driving here I got a call from my old work and got my job back, HOLLAAAAAA! That's fucking perfect. Fucking exactly what I needed. So I'm going back to the mall later when that bitch is back in class where she belongs, to talk to my manager about scheduling.

Fuck though, fucking goddamn bitches. I'm sooo fucking done here.

- Mint.

BLAHBLAHBLAH PIZZA.

Last night sucked because I was lonely so I cut which was dumb but whatever.

Today was super fucking lazy, I read my book and talked to B. And I'm soooo hungry omg. B just ordered pizza for herself and we were talking about all this delicious food AND I WANT ITTTTTT BUT I CAN'TTTTTTT. Fuck. Can I just be skinny yet?

Last night I was super hungry too but I just kept to my soup. And then I decided to eat eggs this morning (just 2 scrambled with ketchup and hot sauce) but I was like SOOOO full after. Which is really good because I was hungry when I made them! So if two eggs kills me, I can bump down to having just one egg whenever I feel like some protein!

OMG SO B, I REALLY WANT TO FUCK THE AUSSIE.

LIKE, I WAS THINKING ABOUT IT SO MUCH TODAY. I REALLY JUST WANT TO GO BACK THERE, AND FUCK HIM.

I HAVE TO MAKE IT HAPPEN, I HAVE TO GO BACK.

I KNOW HE'S THERE UNTIL APRIL AND THEN HE'S COMING TO STAY IN THE CITY FOR A BIT AFTER SO IT'S LIKE SWEET, IF I CAN MAKE THIS WORK.

I NEED TO MAKE THIS WORK.

LIKE I NEED TO B.

I WANNA FUCK AN AUSSIE.

- Mint.

I met an aussie last night.

So I got the job at the IGA bakery, and for my interview with the cool ass bakery I just didn't show.

It was downtown like I said before and when I was driving there it just got too much too fast. All the people walking, all the cars driving. There were just too many eyes and I felt like they were all pointed on me. I started getting realllllly uncomfortable so I just drove home before I even saw the place.

Social anxiety.

I was soooo mad at myself. LIKE WHY, WHY DOES THIS HAVE TO HAPPEN. WHY CAN'T I GET OVER IT, IT'S RUINING EVERYTHING.

After I went to my boring friend's house and she made me tea and we watched movies and she made me feel better. :/

Roomie asked me how the interview went and I told her and she was like, "OMFG WHY" and I was like, "I just couldn't, it was all too much. Like, social anxiety dude." and she was like, "OMG THAT DOESN'T EVEN EXIST. THAT'S AN EXCUSE." and then I wanted to slice her chubby little throat. :)

OHHHHHH BUT THERE'S A GOOD PART TO THIS POST.

My boring friend invited me to go up to the ski resort place with her other friends last night and I went! All we did was drink really, and I was drinking since 3 that afternoon so it was a good time!

We all drank together in one of our rooms and then decided to go to this bar. As we were walking to the bar one of the guys in our group decided he needed a smoke (he's the only other person who's even had a smoke in that group and he only smokes while drunk) and so I was like, "FUCK YEAH I'M COMIN."

He went over to this guy who was just chillin', smokin' away, to get a light, AND THIS IS WHERE I MET THE AUSSIE.

Damn he was cute. Fuck.

Anyway, so I chat him up real good, and by this time everyone wants to get to the bar so I tell them to go. They were like, "Do you even know where it is?" so I asked the aussie and he said yeah and that he could take me there after talking. SO I DITCHED DEM BITCHES.

After awhile of getting cold he was like, "Oh, just let me get something from my room before we go, kay?" AND THIS IS HOW I ENDED UP IN HIS ROOM.

We were just sitting on his bed talking, and we were just about to go when he's like, "Let me just do this one thing first." AND HE KISSES ME.

AND MY GOD, OUT OF THE OTHER 3 GUYS THAT I'VE EVER KISSED, HE WAS CERTAINLY THE BEST. AND THIS IS WHY NOW, I UNDERSTAND WHY I DIDN'T WANT TO CONTINUE KISSING THOSE OTHER GUYS, THEY FUCKING SUCKED, THAT'S WHY.

We stopped and I was like, "Wow… you're a really good kisser." all starry-eyed like, and then we just started making out again and didn't really stop until 2 in the morning.

It was funny because he had music playing, and it stopped at one point and I was like, "Why isn't the music playing?" and that's because WE HAD GONE THROUGH THE ENTIRE ALBUM.

Omg he was sooooo yum, my bottom lip is like raw today. He obviously wanted to sleep with me, and I DEFINITELY WANTED TO AS WELL, but fucking AUNT, FUCKING, GODDAMN FLOW COCK BLOCKED ME. So I had to say that I couldn't.

But damnnnnnn if I COULD'VE…

It was hot too because like, we were making out on the bed right? So he was on top most of the time, WHICH IS THE BEST, but sometimes we were on our sides too. BUT if I like, sucked his bottom lip, bit, and then pulled, he'd like suddenly, flip right back on top and kiss all hard and it was just fantasticccc.

My friends kept texting me being like, ARE YOU COMING? And I'd be like, "Shit, we have to go, they're getting mad." so we'd start getting ready but then I would always be like, "BUT I DON'T WANT TOOOO" so we just kept on making out lmao

Omg and at one point, SOMEHOW, I started like, you know, feeling up his package over his boxers, and he was like, "Or you could do this…" and fucking slid my hand in there AND GUYS, I TOUCHED A PENIS, AND STARTING LAUGHING SOOOOO FUCKING HARD OMG I WAS CRYING.

PENISES ARE FUCKING WEIRD, LEMME TELL YOU.

Anyway, that was fucking embarrassing and I was like, "I'm sooo sorry! I MEAN, LIKE, NOT ABOUT THAT OR ANYTHING, I MEAN, LIKE, HOW I HANDLED… THAT. LIKE, OMG, LIKE SORRY FOR LAUGHING, I WASN'T LAUGHING AT YOUR DICK, WELL LIKE I WAS BUT I MEAN, OMG. NO. LIKE, PENISES ARE FUCKING WEIRD DUDE."

So I'd go back to just lying there, but then I'd think about it and START FUCKING LAUGHING AGAIN AND IT CYCLED LIKE THAT FOR SOME TIME.

He knew that I was a virgin and all that shit though so it really wasn't all that bad hahahaha omg but still.

Around right before we left we were still just lying there and I had my head on his chest and we were falling asleep, AND THAT WOULD'VE BEEN SO NICE TO STAY BUT FUCKING COULDN'TTTTT.

BUT YEAH, so we left and as we were going down the stairs we were getting our smokes out and I was like, "Omg I must've smoked my lucky smoke or something because it's not hereeeee!!!" and he turned around all cute like and said, "I'm your lucky smoke!" and then laughed a sexy aussie laugh. I seriously thought that was so adorable and I have no idea why. Is that adorable? Because I think so!!

When we were walking back to where I was staying, HE LET ME WEAR HIS JUMPER AND IT WAS SO NICE AND BIG AND SOFT AND AHHH I WANTED TO KEEP IT.

And then we got all cute and I was pushing him sideways like, "BABY, if you cold, I got you girl! I'll keep you warmmmmm girl! My fucking jumper girlllllll!" and let's just say that took a really long time to get to the front of my building because we got distracted, AGAIN.

When we finally DID get to the front of the building we lit another smoke and talked and kissed and huggedddddd, AND FINALLY, WE WERE IN.

He came inside with me just to make sure that I got to the right room and actually got in and everything/because apparently it was the exact same fucking building LOL just a different entrance I guess (I'm sooo fucking dumb), AND HE HELD MY HAND DOWN THE HALL AND THAT'S JUST SO FUCKING CUTE. I'VE NEVER HELD A GUY'S HAND BEFORE. AND I GOT TO DO THAT THING WHERE WITH YOUR OTHER HAND YOU HOLD ONTO THEIR ARMMMMMM. IT WAS SO CUTE. HE'S SO CUTE. FUCKING AUSSIES.

We met up with my friends and the now overly drunk smoker from the group in a room and then I had to say BYEEEE AND WE KISSED AND IT WAS SAD.

I went back into the room and my friends were asking about him and they fucking HATED him. Like, they met the guy for like TWO SECONDS WTH. "Did you get his number?" Uhh no, because he's not going to pay an unnecessary phone bill for the 4 months he's here. "Omg no one does that, everyone has phones, he's lying." Uhhh no, I've actually met TONS of people who do that while travelling, like everyone basically. They come here to fucking travel, not to fucking snap chat their friends. "So, he didn't add you on Facebook?" Uhhh, no I forgot about that. I should go ask him actually! "Omg Mint, don't. He's a fucking jerk." No he's not! Ill be right back omg. "Omg are you drugged? You definitely weren't this drunk when we left you. What did you take?" I HAVEN'T HAD ANYTHING TO DRINK SINCE I WAS WITH YOU YOU FREAKS, I'M NOT ON DRUGS, I'LL FUCKING BE RIGHT BACK. "How do you know where his room is?" BECAUSE I JUST TOLD YOU THAT'S WHERE I WAS ALL NIGHT, AND HE JUST GAVE ME THE NUMBER IN MY PHONE SO THAT I COULD GO SEE HIM AGAIN IF I WANTED. AND I WANT TO, SO I AM.

I left, and went upstairs to his room and was like, "SO UM, WHAT ABOUT FACEBOOK, HUH?" and he laughed and was like, "I asked you about it!" and I was like, "NO, NO YOU DID NOT." and then he jogged my memory and I remembered and was like, "OH YOU'RE RIGHT, OKAY. SO ADD ME, GO AHEAD." so he added me and then I had to leave againnnnn.

But he gave me like a backwards hug when I was walking out the door and then we kisseddddd AND THAT'S MY NIGHTTTTT.

IT WAS LOVELYYYYYY.

I can't believe my friends are such bitches though. SORRY THAT HE'S UNDER 30 YOU FREAKS. SORRY THAT HE DOESN'T FUCKING WET HIS PANTS WHILE DRUNK. SORRY THAT YOU GUYS ARE THE EASIEST FUCKING GIRLS I'VE MET, THAT I'M THE PICKIEST PERSON IN THE WORLD AND THAT YOUR ARGUMENT IS ALL INVALID.

"What's he do?" He's a chef at one of the restaurants here so he gets free room and board.

"He's probably just a line cook if he can't afford housing."

OMG JUST STUT UP, WHY DOES ANY OF THIS MATER.

- Mint.

I've been having the urge to say "stellar" a lot lately, and it's so embarrassing.

I'm going to post this in big letters on my wall because it's important.

Today was good! I dropped off the portfolio (the lady was super nice), I applied at American Eagle for the overnight merch. position (was asked to fill out an application) and then hung out with Morgan!

We were originally going to go downtown and walk around but then a fucking BLIZZARD hit, so we ended up just going to the mall.

The mall had soooo many nice shoesssss and braceletsssssss and hatssssss and sweaterssssssss. GAHHHH I NEED MONEY!!!

We also went to Lush because Morgan needed to get some stuff and I got this little tester pot of a minty green face mask that gets rid of blackheads and other toxins. I tried it out when I got home and omgggg it's so good! I've never really used face masks before so I don't have anything to compare it to, but all I know is that it worked really nice for me and I'm going to buy some when/if I ever pick up some coin.

Which reminds me! I got a phone call from IGA, but I missed it because I didn't hear my phone which sucks. They didn't leave a message either which sucks even more, so hopefully I haven't ruined my chances! I'm going to go there first thing tomorrow though so hopefully by the afternoon I have a jobbbb!!!

Also, Morgan told me that this really popular bakery is opening another store downtown and is looking for all sorts of applicants! So obviously I applied as a cake decorator, but also mentioned that I'd take any job available (barista, cashier, baker's assistant). I'm really keeping my fingers crossed with that one! Because it'd be so rad working downtown since I never go there, and also because it's such a hipster warm bakery/cafe. I feel like the vibes there would be chill.

I'm sounding like a hippy more and more omg.

- Mint.

Mint Advice.

I just made an advice blog and would love for you all to follow and ask any and all questions that you may be needing advice on!! It'd be much appreciated! ♥

Today was a better day than the last time I posted. Even though I accomplished basically nothing.

I woke up at 9:45 (early for me), made myself a coffee, showered, and got ready for the day.

I picked up my phone charger that I left at my friend's house (I went out on Saturday and it was actually funnnn!), took a deep breath, and drove myself to this little cake shop I applied to via email.

The owner replied to my email a few days ago saying that they weren't hiring until early spring, but that she would keep my resume on file and asked if I could bring my portfolio in for her to look at. I tried to find her shop the day I received her reply, but I got too lost and anxious and eventually just gave up before finding it.

BUT, today, I found it!! Except it was closed… goddamn it. So I'm going back tomorrow and it will be good.

I also dropped off my resume at the IGA across my street so maybe I'll hear back from them!!

Another thing, my boring friend (I really need to give her a better name) told one of the sister's in the sorority about how I'm maybe kinda sorta trying to pursue a career in writing and maybe kinda sorta thought it'd be cool to write an advice column, and I guess she said she could hook me up because she works with the paper! So I facebooked the girl telling her about what I'd like to offer the paper and yeah! That'd be sooooo fucking sweet I can't imagine.

That's actually one of the reasons why I made the advice blog! I'd definitely keep with the pseudonym, Mint, so I thought that the column could be called "Mint Advice"! "Mint" as in fresh, as in a fresh way of looking at things. YOU KNOW!?!?! And then I thought that if I got that column, for social media reasons, I could eventually have a Facebook page/my tumblr page for extra Q&A's that the paper didn't have room to publish AND THEN I'D BASICALLY BE A YOUTUBER BUT WITH THE PAPER BEING MY MAIN CHANNEL INSTEAD AND THEN I'D BE FAMOUS AND HAVE A BOOK MADE OUT OF MY HIGHLIGHTS AND THEN A SITCOM MADE BASED ON THAT AND THEN IT COULD BE CALLED, "MINT IN THE CITY" OR SOMETHING IDK. SARAH-JESSICA PARKER COULD PLAY ME I'M THINKIN'.

Tomorrow after I drop off my portfolio I'm going to apply to two shops in the mall. One, I'm applying for a key holder and/or visual merchandiser position (I'd rather the visual merch. position because it'd be more fun/creative) and two, I'm applying for an overnight merchandiser position which would be sweet because NO PEOPLE.

OH! Last thing! There's a market place here where I'm living and I thought that it'd be fucking BOMB to have a table and sell cakes and cupcakes and shit and then have people be able to order specialty cakes from me! Wouldn't that be cool!? It'd be like having a bakery without having one! And my mom says that if you're only selling at a market then you don't need to have your kitchen all inspected and stuff, you just pay 60 bucks for this little badge or something? I don't know but YEAH! I'd have to get my mom to help me figure out how to price everything and stuff but I think that'd be so cool! I'd rather just share a table with someone else until I got the swing of managing my own table, so yes, this is something I will have to look into.

Anyway, that's what I'm up to! Unfortunately I've only written one angry poem (that I haven't published) since I got back, and haven't painted anything. So much for starting the year off creatively…

Oh well, I'll get there!

- Mint.

Look both ways.

As much as I like cars, I wish they didn't exist because then I wouldn't be as afraid to go walking around.

Cars are so big and fast and people are in them, looking around… Seeing how slow I'm going, seeing how weird I walk. Getting mad at me for cutting them off, regretting letting me cross.

I want to apply to the IGA across the street because I know the bakery is hiring.

But…

I don't want to drive to work if I get that job because it's so close and that'd honestly be so silly.

So I'd have to walk.

I'd have to cross the street, and it's such a busy one.

What if I have to wait at the crosswalk because I couldn't get an opportunity to j-walk when there were no cars?

Omg that would be so bad… I hate waiting. It's the worst thing. I just automatically feel pressure and anxiety build quicker and quicker, ready to burst. Waiting at red lights in my car even is terrible.

If anyone wonders why I speed or walk fast, it's because I'm trying to run away from everything and everyone because I can't breathe with people seeing me stand in one place.

I hate it. Fuck, I hate anxiety.

It's getting so much worseeeee.

I bought groceries though finally, so that's good.

- Mint.

New Year's Eve.

Okay so let's recap on what my New Year's Eve was like.

My mom left after breakfast and that's when I went to the bank and Shoppers and came home all shaky.

I then tried looking for jobs online (I'm not in school now sooooo I need a job- I was thinking of putting ad sense on my blog but I mean...) and later received a text saying that I was going to my boring friend's house for new years and that I was being picked up at 6.

I wanted to go out with Morgan instead because I wanted to start my year by kissing some random hot guy, but she wasn't sure what her and her boyfriend were doing yet. I decided that I'd go to the boring party and meet up with Morgan later depending on where she ended up.

I predrank by myself before getting picked up because I didn't want to meet anyone while 100% sober, and then continued drinking as soon as I got there.

The party was boring. The guy were ugly. The people were boring.

We played jenga. Donkey Kong jenga.

I ended up passing out in my friend's bed for awhile and I definitely missed the countdown.

I woke up when everyone was leaving to go into this random limo that showed up and I was pissed because no one invited me.

At that moment I decided that I was going home. Except my phone was dead. And there wasn't a phone in the house.

Then I got really mad and decided that I'd just fucking walk home (a 20 minute drive).

I gathered up all my stuff and headed downstairs just as my friend's roommate and his friends came in.

I started yelling like, "EVERYONE FUCKING LEFT IN THIS GODDAMN LIMO AND I WANT TO GO HOME BUT MY FUCKING PHONE IS DEAD AND THERE'S NO PHONE IN THIS HELL HOLE AND CAN YOU PLEASE CALL A CAB FOR ME."

But they were like, "No, it's New Year's Eve. You're not going to be able to get a cab, just go to sleep."

And I was like, "I'M GOING HOME." and fucking marched my ass outta there.

I was walking so fucking fast, and I got like half a block when roomie's friend ran up to me, trying to convince me to go back. Which was sweet and all but I was in bitch mode and just pushed my way through him.

I walked about 1/3 of the way home and when I came up to this hotel and thought, "I gotta pee, and maybe they can call a cab for me."

They did call me a cab but I had to wait an hour and a half for it, and then I ended up getting home at 4 and that's my nightttt.

I didn't eat that night and drank a 2/6 of vodka so I'm surprised that I made it home actually. Passing out for a bit must've helped for sure.

I'll get into anxiety and life and shit in another post lol I just had to dedicate a post to this and my trip back.

- Mint.

"By the by" is fancy for "by the way".

So I'm back in Kelowna now.

My mom decided that I needed to be here for New Year's Eve so she drove me half way and planned on putting me on a bus for the rest of the way.

I, on the other hand, did not want to leave early. Nor did I want to go on a bus. I wanted to stay at home until the end of January where my mom is planning on coming to Kelowna for a couple weeks. That makes sense. Why would we have to consider any alternative options? That one's honestly so perfect. But that's obviously not what happened.

I fought the whole way to the bus station, begging my mom to just turn around, or at least come with me to Kelowna for a couple days, but she wasn't having it. As we were pulling up to the station I started crying and just got way too nervous about walking into the bus station and having people around and then going on a bus that had people on it and maybe having a person sit beside me and even maybe talk to me. I wouldn't get out of the car. I couldn't get out of the car.

It was so embarrassing and scary and frustrating. My mom had my door open and everything and she was like yelling at me getting madder and madder each second.

I just kept saying, "I don't want to go on the bus, I don't want to go on the bus" between heavy sobs. I started shaking and hyperventilating (which is a new thing for me) and mom was getting so pissed, "Why don't you want to go on the bus? Tell me why. Is it because you're being a stubborn, spoilt bitch? Or is it anxiety or something?"

Of course in my head I was thinking, "PEOPLE PEOPLE PEOPLE PEOPLE" but as soon as she said anxiety I was so fucking offended. It's like when girls are getting all heated about something and the guys are like, "Oh, you must be on your period".

It was like that but I shouldn't have been mad because it actually was anxiety and my mom didn't mean anything bad by it. I just have this weird thing with mental illness which is highly ironic. I don't like to admit that I have troubles going on in my brain because that means loss of control. The minute I admit that it's not because I don't want to go on the bus, but that I actually can't, is the moment you realize that you're not in the driver's seat; is the moment that you realize you're sick and have a problem and need help. BUT I DON'T WANT HELP. I DON'T WANT TO TALK TO SOMEONE ABOUT MY WEAKNESSES. I DON'T WANT TO TAKE MULTIPLE PILLS TO SORT OUT MY BRAIN CHEMISTRY AND NUMB MY EVERYTHING. I DON'T WANT PEOPLE TO CODDLE ME. I DON'T WANT THIS.

Anyway, since of course I'm me, and don't talk about shit because I don't like talking about shit, I just continued with the, "I don't wanna go on the bus" thing until my mom got fed up (she was the maddest I've ever seen her) and just decided to drive me all the way to Kelowna.

Once we got to my place it was too late for her to turn around and head back to my grannie's so she ended up staying the night (thank god). She wasn't as mad anymore (which was good) and so she kept trying to make me feel pumped about the new year and trying to give me tips about how to get over my anxiety...

Which is through the roof right now, by the by. I had to drive to the bank and pick up some things at Shoppers, and by the time I got back home, I was shaking and had mini panic attacks for like the next 3 hours.

I'll get more into that tomorrow because I'm tired and want to sleep lol

Good nightttttt,

 Mint.