So I'm back in Kelowna now.
My mom decided that I needed to be here for New Year's Eve so she drove me half way and planned on putting me on a bus for the rest of the way.
I, on the other hand, did not want to leave early. Nor did I want to go on a bus. I wanted to stay at home until the end of January where my mom is planning on coming to Kelowna for a couple weeks. That makes sense. Why would we have to consider any alternative options? That one's honestly so perfect. But that's obviously not what happened.
I fought the whole way to the bus station, begging my mom to just turn around, or at least come with me to Kelowna for a couple days, but she wasn't having it. As we were pulling up to the station I started crying and just got way too nervous about walking into the bus station and having people around and then going on a bus that had people on it and maybe having a person sit beside me and even maybe talk to me. I wouldn't get out of the car. I couldn't get out of the car.
It was so embarrassing and scary and frustrating. My mom had my door open and everything and she was like yelling at me getting madder and madder each second.
I just kept saying, "I don't want to go on the bus, I don't want to go on the bus" between heavy sobs. I started shaking and hyperventilating (which is a new thing for me) and mom was getting so pissed, "Why don't you want to go on the bus? Tell me why. Is it because you're being a stubborn, spoilt bitch? Or is it anxiety or something?"
Of course in my head I was thinking, "PEOPLE PEOPLE PEOPLE PEOPLE" but as soon as she said anxiety I was so fucking offended. It's like when girls are getting all heated about something and the guys are like, "Oh, you must be on your period".
It was like that but I shouldn't have been mad because it actually was anxiety and my mom didn't mean anything bad by it. I just have this weird thing with mental illness which is highly ironic. I don't like to admit that I have troubles going on in my brain because that means loss of control. The minute I admit that it's not because I don't want to go on the bus, but that I actually can't, is the moment you realize that you're not in the driver's seat; is the moment that you realize you're sick and have a problem and need help. BUT I DON'T WANT HELP. I DON'T WANT TO TALK TO SOMEONE ABOUT MY WEAKNESSES. I DON'T WANT TO TAKE MULTIPLE PILLS TO SORT OUT MY BRAIN CHEMISTRY AND NUMB MY EVERYTHING. I DON'T WANT PEOPLE TO CODDLE ME. I DON'T WANT THIS.
Anyway, since of course I'm me, and don't talk about shit because I don't like talking about shit, I just continued with the, "I don't wanna go on the bus" thing until my mom got fed up (she was the maddest I've ever seen her) and just decided to drive me all the way to Kelowna.
Once we got to my place it was too late for her to turn around and head back to my grannie's so she ended up staying the night (thank god). She wasn't as mad anymore (which was good) and so she kept trying to make me feel pumped about the new year and trying to give me tips about how to get over my anxiety...
Which is through the roof right now, by the by. I had to drive to the bank and pick up some things at Shoppers, and by the time I got back home, I was shaking and had mini panic attacks for like the next 3 hours.
I'll get more into that tomorrow because I'm tired and want to sleep lol
Good nightttttt,
Mint.
No comments:
Post a Comment