Wednesday, July 31, 2013

Do you believe in the zodiac?

I didn't weigh myself today because I ate chocolate yesterday, and I'm not weighing myself tomorrow because I had peanut butter, and am now currently eating cheese.

BECAUSE I AM SO MAD RIGHT NOW.

I HATE PEOPLE SO FUCKING MUCH.

Let me tell you why:

First off, I believe in the zodiac like crazy, because everyone I come into contact with just exudes the qualities of their sign. And the person I know who shows their traits the most is me.

I'm a leo. Basically the best sign out there fuckers. A mother fucking lion, king of the jungle. I'm the best, the greatest, you'll ever meet.

There's three types of leos depending on when their birthday is. I was born on August 13th, which means that I'm the leoiest leo out there; I'm fucking lucky as hell, and I love to travel.

The leo is the fieriest of all fire signs. Why? Because we're born in the summer, and because our planet isn't even a planet. IT'S THE SUN. A GLOWING ORB OF FIREEEEEE BITCHES.

So yes, one can say I have a very fiery personality. It doesn't help either that I'm Italian.

People born under this sign are (in a quick nutshell) very proud, competitive, take things personally, are very stubborn, and dramatic. We wear our hearts on our sleeve, and don't even try to hide it. We live passionately, and without passion, we are nothing.

So sometimes dealing with flat, tame, earth signs (Pumpkin= capricorn), tempers flare.

Pumpkin is soooo flat that it comes across soooo rude. I want to slap her so often.

"Woah, calm down" "You're predictable" "No, I'd say that I'm the fiery one here"

Just no, stop.

She doesn't even realize how mad these things make me. And how rude they make her sound. She also does this thing where SHE DOESN'T TELL YOU WHAT SHE MEANS, SHE JUST MAKES YOU GUESS AND THEN WHEN YOU GUESS WRONG SHE MAKES YOU FEEL LIKE AN IDIOT.

LIKE SORRY THAT I CAN'T WORK MY WAY INTO YOUR IDIOTIC HEAD PUMPKIN, SORRY.

Her boy is a leo it turns out. Born just two days before me. So I was telling her how the relationship might play out, and she just kept making it seem like she didn't want to move forward with him. But of course she wouldn't say anything so it was really just me guessing the entire time.

First he was drinking too much because he was single. So I said everyone has their demons and that relationships benefit both parties, and most guys go hard when they're single anyway.

And then no, drinking was fine, it was that she was afraid of being in a relationship. So I told her maybe she should be honest with him and say that you don't want to rush into things. Because leos are forceful and romantic, so if she just doesn't deny all the relationship stuff he keeps bringing up (which is what she's currently doing), she's just fucking playing him.

And then no, noo, she wants to see where it goes. So I said, well alright still be honest with him though because if you don't deny anything, and he goes for it, but you for some reason aren't into it, he'll get frustrated AS A LEO WILL DO, and probably just give up.

But no, noooo she wants him to be forceful! She needs that!

AND OMG WE'VE GONE IN A CIRCLE.

I'm still sooo mad, and this started two hours ago.

TO ALL YOU FUCKING MYSTERIOUS PEOPLE OUT THERE: WE CAN'T FUCKING GUESS WHAT YOU'RE THINKING. WHEN WE TRY TO FUCKING HELP YOU OUT BECAUSE YOU COME TO US WITH PROBLEMS, DON'T JUST FUCKING DISMISS US AFTER AWHILE BECAUSE WE CAN'T UNDERSTAND WTF YOUR ISSUE IS.

IF YOU COME TO ME WITH A PROBLEM, HOW ABOUT YOU JUST FUCKING TELL ME WHAT IT IS, HMM? LET'S GET TO THE CORE OF IT SO THAT I DON'T END UP WANTING TO STAB INTO THE CORE OF YOU.

GOD DAMN IT.

AND OMG VIRGOS? WHAT'S THEIR ISSUE? DO YOU EVEN KNOW WHAT PASSION IS? CAN I SEE YOU GET EXCITED ABOUT ONE THING EVER? IF YOU LIKE ME WILL YOU PLEASE SHOW IT? MAYBE? NO? ALRIGHT, WELL FUCK YOU.

I just wish that people weren't so afraid of being honest. And like, blunt. This is how people miss out on opportunities, this is how confusion arises, and this is how YOU ANGER A FUCKING LEO.

- Mint.

Tuesday, July 30, 2013

Lonely people are always up in the middle of the night.

I weighed myself today because I forgot to weigh myself yesterday and I was the same weight as I was on whatever day I weighed myself last.

UGHHHHH, I so jinxed it I know.

I'm kinda bored right now. I don't want to sleep, and I don't want to read any school, and my computer is boring right nowwwww.

But I don't even have anything to write about so this is even worse.

Sorryyyy.

Just learnt that cute boy from work (do you remember him?) is moving an hour away from the city that I'm moving back to for school.

Interesting, but not really exciting because I definitely don't like him anymore. Which is awkward because now he sort of likes me now. Shit.

B and I decided that we're going out a couple days before my birthday (when she has days off) to friend me a boy lol I was thinking about seeing if my French boy would come out here, but I don't know, probably won't happen.

OH AND ALSO, B and I are going to buy a giant sub from subway on those days off! It's honestly been a dream of mine since I was 5 I swear. I love subway more than anything I'm pretty sure.

It's hilarious because we won't be able to eat like any of it. BUT THAT'S NOT THE POINT. THE POINT IS TO BASK IN THE GLORY THAT IS A GIANT SUB.

And then, for the three days after my birthday, Pumpkin and I are going back to the city and going out! Woop woop!

She said that she wants to make me tortillas and crepes (I accidentally told her that that's what my mom would always make me for my birthday) and buy a DQ birthday cake for me which sounds excitingggg.

But holy fuck, that week is going to have a bunch of calories, and it's already nerve racking!

I have nothing else to say really, so I guess I'll just go back to being bored.

♥,

Mint.

Saturday, July 27, 2013

Everyone needs to have a slutty phase, and mine is just starting.

Soooo last night was pretty awesome.

My friends and I drove to Pumpkin's apartment in the city and met up with their friend from school.

We bought some booze (I got mango passion fruit flavoured vodka AND HOLY HELL IT IS THE BEST FLAVOUR I'VE EVER HAD, PICK SOME UP ALRIGHT?), started drinking on the deck, got ready, and went out!

I was sort of nervous going out with them for a couple reasons:


  1. I've never gone out in a city, just my tiny town so I was scared that I'd get lost or ditched or something
  2. I was afraid that it would suck because it was a country bar, but it actually rocked because they played awesome remixes and just no country at all basically
  3. I was scared that I'd have nothing to say to the school friend and my other friend because they're "normal" and not weird, and I never have anything to say to those people
  4. I was scared that I'd have no friends at the bar because there were just the four of us, but I thought that my normal friend (Blonde 1) and the school friend (Blonde 2) would pair up, and then I'd be left alone because Pumpkin was meeting her boy
But it was all goooooood! Blonde 2 is actually so sweet and omg I wish I could go to school in the city just to be friends with all my friends. Blonde 1 was fine too! I always forget that I was actually pretty good friends with her.

Anyway, so we got to the bar (club? idek), got a drink, and sat down for a little bit to plan everything out. As soon as we sat down really this guy came over and started talking to me and he let me have some of his drink and that was cool. But somehow I found out he had a girlfriend and I was like "lol I have to go" and he was all mad like "WHAT? I CAN'T TALK TO PEOPLE?" looooool

Then my friends and I went to the dance floor for a bit, went to the bathroom, and as we were going back to the dance floor this guy stopped me and was like, "Will you dance with my friend here?" and I looked at his friend for a second thinking and was like "Uhhhhh nahhhhh" and walked away hahaha they were both like "OHHHHHHHHHHH"I thought it was really funny lol

After dancing for awhile Pumpkin's boy finally got there! AND HE'S ACTUALLY GOOD LOOKING, Blonde 2 definitely hooked her up. I saw his Facebook pictures before I met him and wow does he ever look WAAAAY better in person. He's really nice too so I really hope him and Pumpkin actually date one day!

Pumpkin and her boy left, and somehow Blonde 2 disappeared with someone, so Blonde 1 and I decided to go sit down and chat for a little bit. A few minutes after we sat down these two guys came over and sat at the table with us. I started talking to them AND OMG THEY ARE FRENCH. FROM FRANCE. One looked like Harry Styles but buffer and waaay more cutesy adorable, and the other was just average I guess.

Me bringing drunken me, I told them we should go have a smoke because it's quieter outside. They were down, Blonde 1 didn't want to come though but she found Blonde 2 so it was all good.

So we go outside, sit down, I bum a smoke off one of them (because I was smart and didn't bring my purse!) and I start chatting up these two French guys. Trying desperately to practice my French but failing so hard (remember I'm supposed to be minoring in French haha).

Next thing you know, there's 5 French guys instead of 3, and they're all talking to meee, and I'm secretly a pimp. It was a lovely feeling haha

I ended up talking mostly to one of the new additions of the group. He spoke the best English, had super pretty green eyes, and was definitely the best looking one out of the group.

We were talking for quite a long time actually, I have no idea about what really. France I guess, and Canada, and the differences between cultures, and me just asking "HOW DO YOU SAY THIS IN FRENCH? HOW DO YOU SAY THIS?"

At one point Pumpkin and her boy came over and she gave my boy a lecture about not being mean to me like she always does, and I talked to her boy about how tall he is hahaha after awhile of Pumpkin lecturing my guy, and me obviously looking annoyed, her boy jumped in and kinda told her to let it go WHICH MADE ME APPROVE OF HIM, I LOVE WHEN GUYS SORT OF BOSS YOU AROUND A LITTLE BIT YOU KNOW? IT'S A SEXY TRAIT. SO YES I APPROVE OF HER BOY.

A little later, us four ended up going to the dance floor and THIS IS THE VERY FIRST TIME I'VE DANCED WITH A BOY REALLY. AND BEFORE I GO ANY FURTHER, HE TWIRLED ME ONCE, ISN'T THAT ADORABLE?

Anyway, let's just say that I was grinding very hard (basically lost my virginity on the dance floor), we made out multiple times, and I bit his neck once for some reason!?!? AND CAN I JUST SAY HOW MUCH I LOVE THE ANTICIPATION OF A KISS? LIKE, THE FOREPLAY OF A KISS AND HOW YOU JUST GET REALLY CLOSE AND YOU CAN FEEL ITTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTT.

Then it was 2 o'clock (I think) and the bar was closing so we went outside because by that point we had no idea where his friends were and no idea where my friends were. We were out there for awhile actually just hugging and kissingggg. And omg it was cold so he unzipped his sweater so I could just snuggle in. It was suuuuper nice because he's really tall so I could just put my head on his chest and be warm and ahhh tall French boys are the best. Plus he's got some muscle so that's even better when it comes to hugs.

Eventually we found his friends and not mine and while we were talking in that group HE JUST TOOK OFF HIS SWEATER AND PUT IT AROUND MY SHOULDERS AND I WAS LIKE OMG THESE THINGS ACTUALLY HAPPEN IN REAL LIFE.

Anyway, he said I should go to his place, I said he should come to my place but neither would've worked out so we were both sad. My friends eventually all got found and we were just about to leave when he was like, "No I need your number and last name for Facebook!" So I quickly gave it to him, he kissed me all sexy like again, and then that was my night!

I woke up this morning to a friend request from the Harry Styles one, the average looking one, and of course my boyyy.

Last night was definitely a success.

- Mint.

Friday, July 26, 2013

I'M FINALLY LOSING WEIGHT AGAIN

Alright, so I've been weighing myself for like the past three days.

I'm not giving you a number because it's much too high, but let's say that I've lost 4.6 pounds already.

Last night I lost 1.6

ONE POINT SIX!

That's really good! Especially since I ate soooo much more than I was expecting.

Let's queue up here shall we? Yesterday I haddddd:


  • 4 shots of vodka (two in each drink- one drink was mixed with diet creme soda, the other was mixed with a little cranberry juice)
  • a starter Mediterranean salad at BPs with no cheese (which is really the size of a normal fucking meal salad), and two bites of the gross weird bread they give you
  • 1 cosmo
  • 2 pieces of white toast with CHEESE FUCKING WHIZ
  • 2 shots of patron mixed with diet 7UP! (suuuuper good, omg highly recommend)
  • 1 1/2 Reece's peanut butter cups

THAT IS A LOT. ESPECIALLY FOR WHAT I'VE BEEN EATING LATELY.

I was so scared about stepping on the scale this morning! I feel bloated, and I thought I would've gained at least 5 pounds because of how teetering your weight is when you restrict.

GAH I'M HAPPY FOR ONCEEEE.

I'm still getting dragged into the city tonight, so I'll have to be careful with food and drink and shit. I won't weigh myself until Sunday morning, so let's hope that goes well.

Imma set myself a goal. By this time Sunday I want to weighhhh 2.5 pounds less. That's doable right? Gives me room to fuck up tonight, but make up for it on Saturday.

Cross your fingersssss!

♥,

Mint.

So pissed.

Sooooo done with Pumpkin.

Today we were supposed to hang out at 3, but she moved it to 9, but then moved it to 5?

I got drunk before I picked her up because I really needed a drink or two, today sucked.

I wasn't planning on eating but in her pumpkin ways, she made me eat. But then she decided she wanted to get drunk too so we did.

I bought a bottle of silver patron ($75) because I've never gotten drunk off of tequila before, and as the lovely psych student I am, I know that tequila is the only type of alcohol that isn't a depressant, which means it makes you happy, not sad.

Because it was $75 and also because I was already drunk (two drinks at home, and then a cosmo at dinner) I decided to savour my lovely tequila and only drink two shots of it once we got to Pumpkin's house.

BUT THEN, when I wanted to drive home (about two blocks away) her and her mom fucking lectured me, AFTER I got home.

Because Pumpkin has such a boring life that she has to fucking tell her mom about mine apparently.

I'm so done. I drove Pumpkin around when I was already drunk and she knew that I was drunk so I think I can make it to my house if I'm able to drive on the highway.

And if she thought I was soooo fucking drunk, she would've stopped me. So why the fuck is it such a big deal?

AND PLUS, OMG YOU'LL LOVE THIS. I guess her mom found smokes in Pumpkin's purse and guess what she said when confronted with it? "Oh they're Mint's. She wanted me to hold them because her mom would flip."

THE FUCK?

Yeah, like I'd smoke your lame ass Export A's. MY MOM KNOWS I SMOKE, THANK YOU VERY MUCH. I'M NOT TOO PUSSY TO TELL MY MOM ABOUT SHIT LIKE THAT.

This is so ridiculous, I'm getting the rap for everything, and I'm not even bad.

Last week I got a lecture from her and her mom because I didn't say where I was that Saturday night at the festival.

BUT DID PUMPKIN'S MOTHER GIVE HER SHIT ABOUT NOT REMEMBERING THE ENTIRE NIGHT? OR TAKING RANDOM ASS DRUGS? OR NOT TELLING HER MOM WHERE SHE WAS?

NO.

That's why I'm pissed, and sooo done with this friendship.

Why do I need to deal with some mother (who isn't mine) lecturing me about shit I don't need to listen to? And why do I need to sit there and allow my "friend" to just throw me under the bus time and time again?

This is pathetic, and ridiculous, I'm so fucking done I just can't.

B, come homeee I need youuuuu.

- Mint.

Thursday, July 25, 2013

Where fire and earth butt heads.

So remember the worst part of my year being back home?

The super depressing blogs of October-December when my brother was living here?

Well guess what! He's moving back... Today.

I guess he's getting kicked out of the place he's renting with his friend because his roomie decided to forget to pay rent just a few too many times.

Obviously I'm livid, and anxious. It's my last month home before I have to go back to the hell that is university. It's the last month I have to spend with my mom. I have to get all my courses finished by the 7th, and I'm not even close.

STRESS STRESS STRESS STRESS STRESS STRESS

I don't want him here! I don't want to be pissed all the time. I don't want to cut all the time. I don't want to have to clean up after this slob, and be the only one who gets in shit because my mom knows that it's useless to get mad at my brother.

I DON'T WANT THISSSSSS

And I have no one to talk to about this either really. I have B of course but that's it. I feel so fucking dependant when I admit things like that.

"I need more people to complain to! I need more people to comfort me!"

Sooo fucking dependent.

I need a smoke, or a drink, or a hug, or a fucking boy.

A WANT A BOYFRIEND GOD DAMN IT.

- Mint.

Wednesday, July 24, 2013

Howling ghosts – they reappear, in mountains that are stacked with fear. But you're a king and I'm a lionheart.

So last week I was at the grocery store with my mom, you know, buyin' groceries. When I went to get the tofu I normally buy for my "meal of the day".

How I always remembered it was, 100 calories for 1/4 of the package. But, when I checked the package, I saw that it's actually 160 calories for 1/4 of the package.

So, instead of having 130 calories per meal, I've (unknowingly) been having 190.

That freaked me out a lot. Stupid eyes, reading the fucking numbers wrong...

So even though I bought the pack, I've been avoiding eating tofu for the past week and instead have been eating higher carb foods like salad or blueberries for my meal.

Today however, I decided that I need to start eating the tofu again because of the whole, high-protein/low-carb thing, and because it'll go bad!

But holy fuck, I'm so full. I can barely move. I'm chugging water like crazy because I'm afraid I'll bloat or gain water weight or suddenly transform into a troll or something else that's totally rational and not in my head at all.

So yes, I'm definitely at the part of my restriction where feeling full makes me feel so incredibly uncomfortable and like the hugest whale alive. I just want to get rid of everything so bad.

That being said, I'm going to start only having an 1/8 of the total package of tofu per day which will make my total intake for the day 110. Which is much better.

I'm going to the city with a couple friends on Friday and was just debating whether or not I should fast tomorrow. I haven't done a proper fast in forever it seems.

I was thinking about fasting because my one friend, Pumpkin, knows all about everything just like B; except Pumpkin is on my fucking case all the god damn day.

"Have you eaten yet today?" "What are you going to eat?" "You have to get something because I'm getting something" "You better eat all of that" "THAT PIECE TOO"

It's sweet and everything but it's like FUCKING BACK UP PUM'KIN. By bringing it up all the time it makes it worse. If I want a grilled cheese, I'll get a grilled cheese. But if you fucking tell me to get a grilled cheese, that's the last thing I'll even think of eating.

So yeah, I'll fast tomorrow, and then on Friday I'll have an energy drink for lunch, salad for dinner, and alcohollllllllll (I'm only allowed two drinks apparently because of what happened last time I went out, but rules are made to be brokennn).

And also because I'm probably going out with B and Pumpkin on Sunday, I'll try to avoid eating with my friends on Saturday when we're coming back from the city. But if I'm forced to eat, I'll just skip my normal dinner.

Starshine: Thank you so much for your lovely words on my post last week. I really needed it, and really appreciated it. It's hard to allow myself to cry now because it's been far too long since crying was okay, and I think that's why I started self harm in the first place; as a release, you know? It's always comforting to know that I have you to understand all of this. I wish you were closer so that we could rant together though! It'd be so nice hanging out and being there for each other at a moment's notice! Love youuuu ♥♥

- Mint.

Monday, July 22, 2013

I KISSED A BOY GUYS

So on Saturday night I got forced out to a local music festival because my friend got me a ticket.

Long story short I got way too drunk. It was the drunkest I've ever been I'd say.

ANDDDDD

I met a boyyyyyy, and he bought me a drinkkkkkk, and I realized he was extremely attractiveeeeee, and then we started walking back to his campsiteeeee, and then he MADE OUT WITH ME.

AN EXTREMELY ATTRACTIVE BOY MADE OUT WITH ME.

And it was the first time I've been kissed and I don't care if we were hammered, it was perfect. He wasn't ugly, and I had my first kiss while still in my teenage years. That's all I needed.

Anyway, so after we made out we continued our way to the campsite, and then sat down. I figured out his name (yes I know, how unclassy of me, I didn't even know his name) and realized that I graduated with his younger brother, which I thought was awkward.

And then I found out that he has THE SAME MUSIC TASTE AS I DO AND I BASICALLY FELL IN LOVE WITH THE GUY.

I was like, "No you can't like Of Monsters and Men! You just can't it's not fair! You're not allowed to like good music!"

And he was like, "No, I do, really! Listen!" and then he started playing it and he was so cute omg.

Now this is where things get fuzzy but I think I've got the just of it.

For some reason we ended up going to a big bonfire for a bit. I only remember walking there, and standing there for a bit.

And then I'm thinking we went back to his tent. THIS IS THE CONFUSING PART BECAUSE WHEN WE WENT TO HIS CAMPSITE ORIGINALLY, HE HAD A CAMPER, BUT SOMEHOW I ENDED UP IN A TENT. AND IT MUST HAVE BEEN HIS TENT, BECAUSE WHO ELSE'S COULD IT HAVE BEEN, RIGHT?

And then I passed out for a bit. Then I woke up, had no idea where I was, KICKED THE TENT OPEN (I hope I didn't break it), crawled out beside the tent, and then passed out in the grass.

I woke up because it was raining super hard and I was really cold, and I started freaking out because I didn't know where I was, and I didn't know where my friends were. So I ran over to this random campsite I saw, and asked if they were going home.

AND LUCKILY THEY WERE, AND LUCKILY THEY GAVE ME A RIDE.

But once I got out of their car, I was like, "Oh, where's my purse?" And they were like, "You didn't have one sweetie!" And I was like, "OHHHHHH NO."

When I woke up the next morning, I realized that I didn't have my phone either. So I Facebooked my friend, who was FURIOUS AT ME for leaving, and she picked me up at my house just to yell at me.

Apparently the guy had my stuff, but was still at the festival for Sunday night, so I'd get my stuff on Monday (today).

But then somehow he didn't have my stuff, this random girl had it. So I went and picked it up today, and thank god everything was still there.

I'm a lucky leo I swear to god. I could've died! I couldn't been raped or something! Like that's intense, I was waaaay too drunk.

AND WAS IT THAT GUY'S TENT? WHAT IF IT WAS SOMEONE ELSES TENT? WHO'S TENT WAS THAT?

It's all too weird. Too bad I'll probably never see/talk to that guy again. He was fucking sexy...

- Mint.

Friday, July 19, 2013

I can't be the only person who thinks that life is extremely long.

Everything is always my fault. That's why arguments with my mom are pointless.

You just have to wait for her to shut up.

Sure she'll get mad when you don't say anything, but she'll get madder if you do say something so it's best to stay quiet.

Because if you say something it's usually to defend yourself, and WHY ARE YOU DEFENDING YOURSELF? YOU'RE WRONG. W-R-O-N-G, WRONG.

If you cry you're being immature, and are doing it on purpose. So don't cry, it's pathetic. You're pathetic.

Once she's ripped you all apart, jabbed her knife into every little insecurity, ripped open your mind and thrown all of your negative thoughts back towards you, she'll be done.

She'll get up because she can't even look at you anymore, but who blames her? Look how disgusting you are; how petty, greedy, selfish, spoilt, ungrateful, and undeserving you are.

What a shame, what a disgrace. She can't even stay in your presence any longer, it's too frustrating to see what a disappointment you are.

She'll get up, and leave. As if you're the one who just bitched her out. She's so offended by something you must have said. How could you be so mean, to the only person who remotely cares about your existence?

What a disgrace.

She'll get up, and leave. And you will sit and stay.

Staring at your foot, biting your lip once again.

Don't cry you pathetic worth of space. Don't you dare fucking cry. You don't deserve to fucking cry. You caused this, this is your life. You don't get to cry.

You will sit and stay, staring at your shattered soul. It's pointless to pick up the pieces, because the shadows have already consumed them, and who wants a toxic soul?

You will sit, and stay. Waiting for time to go by. Waiting for the sun to go down, and the moon to come up. You will wait for drowsiness to fall upon you, and the darkness to wrap you up.

But tomorrow will come, and it won't be better.
Because it doesn't get better, because you won't make it better.
Because you don't want it to be better, because you don't care if it's better.

You're life is a waiting game, and time just won't move fast enough.

- Mint.

Thursday, July 18, 2013

If I could kill her I think I would.

worthless pathetic scum

It's ironic that the only reason I do anything in life is because of my mom, but at the same time she makes me want to end my life so badly.

I actually think she's better at making me hate myself than I am... must be a gift.

I think it's really selfish of me to say that I wish she didn't care about me, or help me. But she's steering me into a direction I don't want to be in.

If she was dead I'd drop out of university, work at a dead-end job, own no furniture, and just wait for my life to end if I didn't end it manually.

She's forcing me into uni, because if I don't I'm a failure like my brother, if I don't there will be no one to support her when she's older, because if I don't, I'm pathetic.

She's forcing me into living in the condo she bought, which I really don't need the responsibility of. I just want to rent a room in some old couple's house for $400/month and just get through the upcoming year. I do not want to live with a roommate and spend $600/month and have the responsibility of paying all the bills.

Whenever she randomly gets mad at me like she did just now I end up feeling sooooo bad about myself. I want to cut really bad but can't because she's in the next room and I'd need to get band-aids. I want to cut so deep that band-aids won't help. And most of all, her yelling at me makes me feel like a greedy pig for eating 130 calories today.

I hate myself so much.

- Mint.

Monday, July 15, 2013

Maybe I wasn't destined for greatness. Maybe I wasn't destined for anything.

Update on food because I forgot that this is supposed to be a blog focused on food really:


  • I've been eating about 130 calories on the weekdays (just eating dinner)
  • About 210-300 calories on the weekend (same dinner, but either an egg with spinach or a 1 egg, egg spread for lunch)
  • I've slipped up a couple times, but it only consisted of more vegetables than I was planning, or once when I went out for dinner and ate the side of garlic bread, so no real binges which is amazing in my eyes because I always binge

I've been doing that for about 2 weeks now (after I got back from Kelowna) and I think at least a week before Kelowna.

I saw a lot of progress last week (I'm still not weighing myself), but the weekend was a stand still which freaked me out. But I have to remember that it's been only two days.

Yesterday I was freaking out about my career path, and if university is really for me. I'm so pathetic and lazy, and anti-social with new people; it seems like I should just work in a library for my entire life or something. I wish I had a real passion, or enough creativity to actually amount to something. I wish I was inspired and had a reachable goal ahead of me.

I really don't want to go back to Kelowna, away from my friends and mom once more. It's sad because it's not like being home is having everything back to normal anyway. Everyone has a future, and places to be, people to see; they're doing things, literally going places.

Everybody moves on with their lives after high school, and I feel like I missed the train. I'm stuck in the same old mindset, but things keep changing, and as each day goes by I become more and more lost in this labyrinth of life. The hedges are growing up, and the sun is quickly setting.

I wish I could be a writer; stay home all day, and think of deep poetic thoughts and situations. BUT I HAVE NO IDEAS FOR ANYTHING EVER. Plus I don't even read.

I should read more.

When I was little I used to write stories! My grade 6 teacher wanted to get one of my stories published even! "The Christmas that Almost Wasn't"

Also, when I was little one of my favourite things to do was to roleplay in the neopets chat board! Writing detailed descriptions, working together to build a story.

That was fun. I should be a writer.

- Mint.

Sunday, July 14, 2013

"SOOOO CORY MONTEITH DIED"

P: I know you butt. You're too late to depress me because I'm already depressed

M: WHY DOES EVERYONE ALREADY KNOW, WHY DIDN'T ANYONE FUCKING TELL ME

P: S texted me last night at like 2? I didn't think you'd care lol

I haven't replied yet. Yeah I do care, but I don't know if I care enough to actually say I care. I loved him on Glee, but that's all I know him from. I'm not an insane Glee fan, but I love the series.

He died, and when I think about it it's like, "Oh okay, well that sucks." I'm not in mourning, I have no pit in my stomach.

A small initial shock, but then time moves on.

I was going to reply with, "Well I do, and I'm sad" but I'm not sad, and I don't truly care.

I feel like I treat death differently, because others seem to pour out their entire heart when someone dies, and I just acknowledge it.

Is that bad? Am I a bad person?

Some people say that one doesn't mourn for the dead, but for the family of the dead. But I just can't wrap my head around why. If my mom died, yes, I would mourn incredibly so. But why would I need others' thoughts with me? They have nothing to do with it, leave me alone, go on with your life.

I don't know, I'm a heartless bitch apparently.

- Mint.

Friday, July 12, 2013

This is how I feel right now, but if you ask me about it in 5 minutes I'll probably feel completely different about the subject.

Sometimes I wonder what it would be like without my depression.

Two possible ways to rid yourself of depression is to simply take a little pill and suddenly have motivation and a love of life, or to talk to someone who will help you change your "outlook".

I feel like I'd rather be unhappy and look at the world for what it is, than to be happy and see the world for what it isn't.

That isn't necessarily a miserable way to live, and I don't feel like it's moping in a pool of sadness and hatred. I feel like it's comparable to the affects of alcohol. I'd rather be sober and aware, than drunk and falsely confident. You know?

I feel like taking a happy pill would change who I am because I feel like depression is a part of me now, and I honestly don't think that's a bad thing.

Don't get me wrong, I'm definitely not romanticizing depression in any way. I'm just saying that I feel like this life just isn't meant for my soul; like how one can't force themselves to like cauliflower. It's a good thing to understand yourself, and to know who you are.

I think that the depression also helps me look at things in clearer light as well. Yeah, some would say that I'm missing out, but why would it matter if I'm missing out, if I don't really want it anyway? Why try something out if the possible positives of the situation aren't even that pleasing to me? Depression might focus on negatives but it helps me to avoid additional ones at the same time.

I feel like speaking to a professional is only worth your time if you truly want their help, and if you truly want to change your perception of the world. Like many mental illnesses there are at least two ways they can latch on to you. They can come for only a brief period (some patients with anorexia go hard, and recover fully, never to relapse), yet others seem to be born with their illness, and once it comes out of hiding it's incredibly hard to become free from its grasp.

The latter way agrees with my earlier statement of me saying how I feel like the depression is a part of me. Just like personality disorders, these mental illnesses are nearly impossible to treat because, they literally are apart of you. Not saying that you are your illness, it's just one of your characteristics. You can be a mean person, but are you actually mean? Entirely? I doubt it.

So is my depression necessarily a bad thing? I don't think it is. Most times it can be annoying, but in general I think it's useful and helps me to see clearly. It makes me not get attached to life while other people are fighting against the clock constantly to try to see everything and do everything. Did you know that death is the most common fear in humans? I don't know if that's true or not (I heard it on Seinfeld) but I asked around and people really are afraid of it! I think that's really odd.

People should just be. Life is life. You live and then you die, that's it.

One should never fear time, because things always happen for a reason. Figure out why, and learn from it.

- Mint.

Wednesday, July 10, 2013

Come on make me feel alive, come on make me fly.

I hate life so much right now, everything is crumbling around me more and more each day.

This morning I was supposed to register for uni today and guess what? Because I haven't completed my correspondents courses, I'm technically only a second-year which means that all of the psych courses I need are blocked. ALSO, because I'm a "second-year" I got a later registration date, so not only are the courses blocked, they're also ALL FUCKING FULL.

The only courses I can get into are my French ones. But wait! Remember that French course I did first semester? Apparently I FAILED it!?!? All of my marks in that course are like 80%, except for two oral assignments I didn't do.

So they failed me for two oral courses that, added together, only amount to 4% of the overall course?

I'm flipping shit.

Also, the French courses I've signed up for for next year conflict with the psych courses I need to try to get into, so it's like OMG I'M DESTINED TO JUST ROT IN A HOLE AND HAVE MY MOM LOOK AT ME LIKE THE SCUM I SO OBVIOUSLY AM.

I have a little more than half a month to finish 3 courses that I'm halfway into, and 1 entire course.

Also, I'm pretty sure the guy who said we were supposed to go for dinner is done with me. He was fine that night, I apologized for being a jerk and he was all fine and stuff but then the next day we didn't talk (which is weird because we talk everyday really), and then when I texted him the day after it's like super emotionless boring replies or no replies at all AND IT'S DRIVING ME CRAZY.

He's leaving in like 2 weeks to London and he doesn't even know when he's coming back (anywhere from 1 to 2 years), and I don't even know if I'll be able to talk to him, and everyone leaves because they're living and I stay in the same place because I'm a ghost.

I hate myself, and I hate life.

Death would be such a release.

- Mint.

Sunday, July 7, 2013

Skip to the second last paragraph if you want to know why I'm such a bad person.

Friday night was really fun.

I went for drinks with my friend (PUMKN) and as soon as we walked in I saw another old friend so we ended up drinking with her and she bought us a shot and hurray that was good. Then the old friend went home and me and pumpkin ended up going to the bar!

When we walked in basically the best of my grad class were there! I didn't hate any of them so it was really good, and they were all happy to see me and we all hugged and they were all boys and boys are better than girls because they smell fucking good and you feel good when you talk to boys, idk.

I found out that one of my guy friends used to like me though! Which I had no idea! I don't get why guys don't do anything about their crushes sometimes. They're either too obvious or do absolutely nothing. But anyway, it's always nice to hear that someone likes/liked you!

I'd love to write details about the night but then this post would be soooo long, so I won't!

Long story short, I was really really drunk because I didn't eat much that day and I just drank a lot. I had 2 cosmos before I left my house, 2 fishbowls (there's 3 shots of alcohol in each one), a black forest cake shot (?), and a double vodka cranberry (that's what B drinks at the bar :3 ). I ended up getting really sick (no shit) but held it together until I got home! Good job good job.

Yesterday was fun too! B came down and we had lunch with this girl we used to be friends with. B is still friends with her off and on, but I'm definitely not. She hated me sooo much when I straight up told her that I blocked her on facebook. But whatever, I'm honest, and she's a bitch.

P.S B SHOWED ME THIS PICTURE OF HER AND HER BOYFRIEND AND OMG IT'S THE CUTEST PICTURE I'VE EVER SEEN. THEY'RE ADORABLE TOGETHER. AND I WANT THAT PICTURE, AND I WANT TO FRAME IT BECAUSE IT JUST MAKES ME SO HAPPY. I LOVE IT AND WILL BE FOREVER BRINGING IT UP.

At lunch though I realized that I lost my debit card! I wasn't too concerned though which is weird because I probably should have been. Turns out it was in Jo's car (he drove me and pumpkin home) so all was well!

EXCEPT, Jo was all, I'm at Master's if you want to come get it! Meaning that I had to go out again, meaning that I had to get pumpkin to come with me because I have no friends lol It took me like an hour to convince her to come with me, BUT SHE EVENTUALLY CAME OUT and I got my debit card and yay.

Last night there was like no one out so it was sort of boring, we didn't stay out very long at all! BUT this girl I knew said I had really pretty hair, and this girl I didn't know called me a disney princess hahaha and I was like WHICH ONE? And she said I looked like Belle.
♪ Drunk crazy people complimentssss! ♪

Also in this night, a guy said that he loves me (he was sober), a guy got super jealous just because I mentioned the following guy's name and later told me that we're going out for supper sometime soon (he was sober), and a guy wanted to have sex with me really bad (we always bootycall each other when we're drunk but he was legit sooo serious and was like walking to meet me and everything but I would feel like a jerk if I just left my friend's house at 3 in the morning so nothing happened lol)

And this is why I'm a terrible person! I string guys along and have absolutely no interest in them!! :D If I didn't hate my body so much I'd probably be the biggest slut toooooo! HURRAAAAAAY.

- Mint.

Thursday, July 4, 2013

And I am done with my graceless heart, so tonight I'm gonna cut it out and then restart.

So I have a plan, and it will work because it involves SCIENCE.

My grannie and mother have been following this low-carb, high-fat/high-protein diet and have been seeing results. My grannie especially, who has lost 20 pounds (she's like 5"3, and 76 years old) in a few months by being very strict with the diet.

I didn't really think much of the diet because fat is scary, protein rich foods are disgusting, and carbs are hella confusing (there's carbs in lettuce?). BUT, because I've been being a good little girl and doing my course work, I read in my bio-psych text book that THE BEST DIET IS THE LOW-CARB, HIGH-FAT/HIGH-PROTEIN DIET.

FACT.

It's in a university textbook, with citations and everything. SO YEAH, IMMA TRY THIS SUCKER OUT.

Here's my plan:


  • breakfast: 1 hard-boiled egg with spinach, green onion and hot sauce (80)
  • lunch: egg drop soup (80)
  • dinner: 1 sq. firm tofu, pan-fried with 1/2 cup broccoli, 1/2 cup green beans and adding any of the following: mustard, lemon juice, hot sauce, 1 chopped up pickle for flavour (140)

With this diet you're supposed to have something crazy like 70-80% fat, 15-20% protein, and 5% carbs. But holy fuck that much fat is scary, like terrifying. Actually planning it out, and consciously knowing that you're putting that much fat in your body, for a diet. No, I can't, that's just too much.

I figure the fat in the eggs (two a day), tofu, and the little bit of oil to cook dinner will be enough.

Also, I'm going to start running again. My one friend can run as much as I can now, and I'm pretty sure everyone knows how weirdly competitive I am... T_T

So that's at least 200 calories burnt per day, and only 100 taken in. ☺

ANDDDD, said friend and I are going to go for a walk and play tennis at least once a week together so that's even more burnt!

I better stick to this. I need to be my normal size for September. It's too important.

♥,

Mint.