Tuesday, June 25, 2013

I always ramble for far too long.

I'm a living ghost, waiting for death, to be at peace.

Ugh, I just hate everything right now. I hate the sunshine, and the birds chirping. I hate the happy people, who can do whatever they want. I hate myself for existing, and I hate life for playing this waiting game with me.

LIFE IS WAY TOO LONG.

I want it to be overrrrrr, it's like a really boring class where whenever you look at the clock, the time stays the same.

I'm so pathetic though because I talk all the time about how I don't want to be here anymore, but have I tried to kill myself at all? No. I must just like to complain about things.

How pathetic! How embarrassing! To put out into the world my spoilt thoughts. I'm sorry. Don't pay me any attention. I have no reason to be this unhappy, I'm just being an attention hog. Because, if I wasn't an attention hog, I'd write this in my journal which I haven't touched for months. So that proves it right there.

How pathetic.

Yesterday I realized that nothing I do is ever good enough in my mother's eyes. I had plans to hang out with friends all day long (it was going to make up for me missing Canada day long weekend because I'm stuck in Kelowna for a week starting Wednesday) and I told my mom multiple times since Friday about it. Yesterday morning when I mentioned it again she acted like it was the first time she's ever heard about it.

"How do you expect to get halfway through all of your courses before Wednesday then?"

"Uhhhh, I don't know...?"

The only reason I have to be at the halfway point by Wednesday is because she's dragging me to Kelowna for another week where I won't be able to do any school.

Safe to say I cancelled with my friends. It's easier to give up my plans than to have her stomping around and yelling at me and saying how I do nothing and I'm so lazy and I don't care and how I'm so spoilt and all I ever do is drink with friends and go out and I'm a terrible daughter and blah, blah, blah.

When I cancelled, my friends asked me just to go out for dinner and some drinks but I was too far gone.

I'm sick of fucking eating, I don't want food. I hate having to eat just because you want to eat. And if I don't eat, then you won't eat. HOW AM I THE ONE WITH THE EATING ISSUES HERE?

Plus, I'm fucking broke as hell. I don't want to spend all my money on food I don't want when I have free food in my fridge that I don't want just the same.

So I didn't reply to them because I just hated everything too damn much.

Later in the evening I got a text from one of my guy friends asking why I wasn't out with my other friends. AND I WAS EVEN MORE MAD.

I knew he would be there! I FUCKING KNEW IT. I haven't seen him in two years and fucking hell that would have been a fun night catching up, being social. BEING NINETEEN.

But noooooo, I read. Like I was supposed to, I read 50 pages of the huge-paged text book I have for my adolescent psych course. That's about 2 chapters, a sixth of the entire course, at least 2 weeks of information.

"What have you done today?"

"I read about 2 chapters, a sixth of the course."

"Did you do anything else?"

"... No?"

"Oh..."

- Mint.

Monday, June 17, 2013

“I hope she'll be a fool -- that's the best thing a girl can be in this world, a beautiful little fool.”

Sometimes I really wish that I was happy, and sociable, and fun, and didn't hate the world. Sometimes I really want to live life and enjoy it.

Then I think that I'm being ridiculous, because if I want to be happy and all of that other stuff, I should just be it.

"Happiness is a choice"

But then I remember that it's not as easy as it seems. It's not just a mood thing, it's a personality thing, it's in my DNA to hate everything. And DNA is really hard to change.

That's why I hate this one girl. She's so fucking ditzy and social and confident. She has no clue what she's doing in life but she has fun, and enjoys her moments here on earth.

She moved near the ocean and can breathe in the ocean air whenever she pleases.

I hate her.

The ocean is my childhood, that I desperately crave. Its waves pull in my bones, and its winds whisper my name.

Can't she find her own ocean? Doesn't she know that its mine?

Then I think some more: if I did return to the coast, would I really do all the things she's doing right now? Would I spend whole days and nights on the sand? Listening to the sweet lulls of the tide? Would I go on coastal adventures with friends and live a summer that seems to go on forever but at the same time isn't nearly long enough?

Probably not, because of my DNA. Social anxiety, and a fear of spiders, and depression, and self-hate determine my decisions; they fuel my body. Not happiness.

I hate her because she's who I want to be. Careless and happy.

And it's just not fair. Why do I have to be me? Why do I have to be stuck with the person I hate most in this world for all of eternity?

It's not fair.

- Mint.

Friday, June 14, 2013

I'm never making another cake ever again.

This week has been terrible for food.

I've been doing my school work at my mom's office so I'm less distracted, but because I'm with her all day, she notices that I haven't eaten yet and nags me until I do eat something.

And she works longer than I work so by the time we get home I'm ravenous because my whole schedule is just ruined. I follow time. And when time isn't followed, there's only chaos.

Yesterday my mom got really mad at me because apparently I told her staff a secret that I didn't even know was a secret, THIS IS WHY I DON'T WANT TO EAT LUNCH WITH HER AND HER STAFF. I'm so worthless, I can't do anything right.

When I got home I cut for the first time in what seems like a long time. Just one long, deep cut. My blood was so dark, it looked black, it was really weird.

Today I had to make a cake for my dad because he's coming over today because of father's day and also because it's almost his birthday. It was seriously SO hard to ice, I broke down like twice on the sides, and twice on the top. Every time I'd try to smooth the sides all the frosting would come off, OF THE SAME TWO PARTS. It would be perfect, except for two parts where you could see the cake.

So I'd do it again, and again, and again. And then crumbs started getting into the frosting and OMG IT WAS SO FUCKING STUPID.

I started crying, I started screaming, I took the fucking spatula and hit it on the counter multiple times, flinging frosting fucking everywhere, then fucking threw it on the floor, marched off and got my razor blade.

Somehow I must have finished the cake because it's sitting on the counter not looking entirely terrible.

I hate being an imperfect perfectionist, because it's so fucking pointless. You have such high expectations for yourself and nothing you do is ever good enough, and it's sooooo frustrating. Why can't I just be perfect? That's literally all I want. If I was perfect I wouldn't hate myself, and all the negativity would be gone.

Or would I just waste so much more time on nothing? And be incredibly neurotic?

Life is so stupid.

- Mint.

Monday, June 10, 2013

I posting this rant thing here because if I post it on tumblr, people will probably unfollow.



For some reason I think it's really humorous when I see a bunch of stairs with people sitting on them.

I mean, stairs aren't really meant for sitting, they're meant for walking up.

Whenever I see a bunch of people scattered about on giant steps I look at them and all I see is pigeons really. Pigeons are always just everywhere, disrespecting the social norms, doing pigeon things.

And when you realize that your mind has made people into pigeons it's really funny.

What makes people sit on stairs? Like, what gave them this sudden urge to sit on steps? Once they're on the steps, what do they do? What ARE they even doing there??

I end up just standing at the base of the stairs looking at all the pigeons, and them looking at me; are they in a club? Do they think that I'm the pigeon? Do they feel like they're now art and "a part of the stairs"?

These are questions I'd like answered because seriously, I find it the most intriguing thing.

People sitting on stairs, weird right?

Sunday, June 9, 2013

LALALA

So I basically told "Margret" to fuck off yesterday.

I super wasn't interested, and I told him I wasn't so that's that. I think growing up is facing difficult situations by the horns, you know?

I saw B TODAAAAAAY! For like an hour hahaha but whatever, it's nice to see her sexy face. We went for Subway and I had a salad, which is like 150 calories at most (no cheese, fat free sweet onion sauce) and then I went home for COCKTAIL HOUR, HOLLAAAA.

OH AND, the girl who ruined my life when I was 15 is 5 MONTHS PREGNANT. Karma has finally caught up!

I feel really happy and evil like, "BAHAHA HER LIFE IS RUINED NOW" but then I think again and she's obviously happy, and has a cute little family happening, so is this really karma? Probably not. I wish my mind would only hold one opinion...

- Mint.

Friday, June 7, 2013

This is a long ass post, so here's the summary: Some apparently attractive guy keeps texting me and his name reminded me of my other friend's name so I changed the new guy's name to MARGRET AND IT'S HILARIOUS.

So we didn't end up going to the city, but we did go out!

Originally we were just having drinks and dinner in the Boston Pizza lounge (I had TEN cosmopolitans and a starter mediterranean salad where I picked out most of the feta and didn't eat the bread). But then this group of guys came in and my table knew two of them from back in high school.

They were across the lounge so we didn't even try to acknowledge them but then one came over to say hi and catch up, then went back to his friends.

THEN, a little while later the other guy we knew from high school came over to say hi and catch up, and then he invited us out to this bar after. The bar was pretty lame so we were like, "Oh yeah, maybe! We'll let you know!"

So he went back to his table and then laterrrr they ALL came over and everyone got introduced to everyone. Then we were like alright, alright we'll go.

SO WE WENT, and obviously I was really drunk lol so when we sat at this table all together I was like, I am not getting up again, because I WILL DEFINITELY FALL OVER.

Originally it was all of us at the table, but then my two friends went and played pool with some of the guys, but then a lot of the times it was just me and ALL of the guys lol which is way better because guys are entertaining. I honestly have no idea where my friends went loool

The guy that was sitting on my left kept up a really good conversation so I basically just talked to him the entire time about everything. I don't know what because I didn't even remember his name the next day, so there's that.

Everyone thought we were flirting so hard BUT I DEFINITELY WASN'T. When I'm drunk I forget that I hate people, so I'm actually really nice and talkative to anyone. SUPER TALKATIVE.

But then it was time to leave, and by this time it was obvious to me that oh shit this guy's interested in me and I'm definitely not interested in him so sweet, I can leave and it'll be like nothing ever happened.

BUTTTTTT, when we got in the car to go home my friends were saying how mean I was because I didn't say bye to that guy and why wouldn't I be interested? He was so hot and nice BUFF (apparently lol) and they weren't even that drunk. So me (still being wasted) was like really? REALLY? LET ME THINK? REALLY? I GUESS I WAS MEAN, THAT WAS MEAN. I'M NOT MEAN.

So I told our high school friend (who was driving us home) to give that guy my number.

WOKE UP THE NEXT MORNING AT 8:30 WITH A TEXT FROM THIS GUY.

I was looking at it for so long and then rolled over singing, "drunken mistakes, drunken mistakes, follow you into the next morninggggg"

When I woke up again I was like fuck, I have to text him back. So I did, and BOOM conversation.

My friends were FLIPPING SHIT: OMG HE TEXTED YOU? OMG WHAT DID HE SAY? OMG HE'S SO SWEET! OMG YOU NEED TO HANG OUT WITH HIM. OMG YOU NEED TO. OMGOMGOMGOMGOMGOMGOMGOMGOMGOMGOMGOMGOMGOMGOMGOMG

We texted basically all day yesterday and I was like maybe I should go for it! He was alright and he plays along with most of my jokes.

BUT THEN I STARTED TO REMEMBER LOL he listens to country, he says  eh, he wanted to teach me how to two-step.

DANGER • DANGER • DANGER

I am not a country girl, and I definitely don't want a country guy.

ANDDD he asked me to hang out like four times in 12 hours. THAT'S PERSISTENT. Which I hateeee, it's so creepy and annoying! And for some reason every guy that ever shows any interest in me is SUPER persistent and it's weirdddd.

So I told the guy that he was VERY persistent to subtly get him to back off, BUT HE TOOK IT LIKE A CHAMP AND NOW I HAVE NO IDEA HOW TO GET OUT OF THIS.

I live in a small town, and he works/hangs out with people that work/hang out with people that I talk to. So, if I'm a bitch to this guy it'll get around and I won't even be able to tell my side of the story because I don't talk to the middle people. OR, if I just hang out with him to be nice, it'll get blown WAY out of proportion and everyone will think we're in love or something and then random people will bug me about it and I hate that.

You may think that I'm overreacting here, but it's happened before so I know what I'm talking about.

So I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. Awesomeeee.

Side note: his name is one letter off from my really good guy friend's name and every time he'd text me I thought it was my friend texting me (who I would have WAY rather preferred) which bothered me.
So I texted my friend and told him the situation and was like, "do you think he'd think it's rude if I ask him if I could give him a different name?"
"I don't know, he'd probably think it was a little weird haha"
"I should just change his name secretly lol"
"Might as well!"
"WHAT SHOULD WE NAME HIM OMG"
"Margret."

LOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOL SO I NAMED HIM MARGRET IN MY PHONE AND EVERY TIME HE TEXTS ME NOW I JUST LAUGH SO HARD.

Yesterday for breakfast I totally forgot that I was avoiding carbs and so I got a foot long veggie sub from Subway. I didn't finish the first 6-inch because I got full, and then I had the second 6-inch for lunch and that's all I had yesterday.

Hurray for shrinking stomach! And my mom said that I look like I've lost weight! I don't see it but hopefully she's right!

Sorry about the long post! Thanks for reading if you made it this far! ♪

♥,

Mint.

Wednesday, June 5, 2013

Yesterday I had a glass of juice and three cosmos.

Wooooo! Liquid only daaaaaay!

Fuck, I've been getting drunk waay too often, I think me and a couple friends are going to the city today to go out tonight (don't ask me how this came up because I honestly have no idea), so I might eat a little more BECAUSE WITHOUT FOOD YOU GET DRUNK JUST WAY TOO FAST.

- Mint.

Monday, June 3, 2013

Did they have brains or knowledge?

Today I worked out how many calories I consumed (lately I've just been trying to avoid food altogether because counting makes me obsess and then only 0 is good enough and then I think I'm not good enough and then I give up and go be fat), and the grand total wasss: 200.

And I was like, woah! That's better than when I'm normally doing well! Usually 500 is my first goal, and then 300 is when I'm deep into things.

But then I thought, "Would've been BETTER without the stupid mango I ate for lunch. The mango was 130 calories! More than HALFFFF."

And then I thought, "Monday's used to be fast days, and I knew that it was Monday, and I knew that I should've fasted."

So now I'm really disappointed in myself.

THIS IS WHY I DON'T COUNT.

However, now there are no more mangos, so I can just stick to broccoli again.

Maybe one of these days I'll even weigh myself.

Don't make me laugh!

♥,

Mint.

I think it's raining but I'm too lazy to actually check

So May was alright actually!

Up until the 24th I was eating like 1 crown of broccoli a day (50 cal at most).

After that I went back to Kelowna to look at places to live and I sort messed up T_T

So since the 28th I've been slowly restricting back down. This past weekend I failed at though! I had a major craving for egg salad (you know, mashed eggs and mayo basically, really gross, not really good tasting) all weekend so I basically ate egg salad ALL WEEKEND.

AND, my Grannie reintroduced me to nutella (I tried it when I was little and hated it, but I hated peanut butter when I was little, now love it, so I've been trying to avoid nutella because I was afraid I'd fall in love with it too) AND GUESS WHAT? I fucking love it.

God damn, I ate a whole 375g jar in a day and a half.

But now I'm back on track!

Also, instead of cutting I've been drinking instead! WAY MORE SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE. But now it's happening too often, and calories add up :/ so maybe I should pay attention to that.

Lastly, there's this course I'm registered in and it started in the beginning of May, and me being me, decided to avoid it until about theeeee 28th. Unlike the other courses I'm registered in, this one is not self-paced, meaning that I have to complete assignments and readings by a deadline, meaning that waiting almost a month to actually look at the course wasn't the best idea ever.

So, I missed 3 quizzes (not really a big deal) and the 1st big assignment (which actually is like a midterm) was due yesterday, so I had to read 6 chapters in about 4 days to catch up.

Now just incase you haven't noticed, I'm the biggest procrastinator of all time. So by June 1st, I still had 4 chapters to read. A normal person would be stressing out, and staying up all night just to make sure they got everything read.

BUT I'M NOT NORMAL, so instead I read half a chapter and decided to start drinking at 4 in the afternoon and continue drinking until about 2 in the morning! :D

Did I end up reading on the 2nd? Before doing the assignment which was due at 11:55 that evening? Sort offffff, sort offffffff no.

I read one and a half chapters, got drunk again, and then completed the assignment by 11:54.

I should really avoid alcohol.

BUT GUESS WHO'S A GENIUS, THIS GIRL, because the midterm/assignment thing wasn't too bad! And earlier in that evening (when I was drunk) my mom (an accountant) needed help with algebra, AND GUESS WHO SOLVED FOR X.

ME.

A FUCKING GENIUS.

Love you guys and hope you're all doing well!

♥,

Mint.