I'm never making another cake ever again.

This week has been terrible for food.

I've been doing my school work at my mom's office so I'm less distracted, but because I'm with her all day, she notices that I haven't eaten yet and nags me until I do eat something.

And she works longer than I work so by the time we get home I'm ravenous because my whole schedule is just ruined. I follow time. And when time isn't followed, there's only chaos.

Yesterday my mom got really mad at me because apparently I told her staff a secret that I didn't even know was a secret, THIS IS WHY I DON'T WANT TO EAT LUNCH WITH HER AND HER STAFF. I'm so worthless, I can't do anything right.

When I got home I cut for the first time in what seems like a long time. Just one long, deep cut. My blood was so dark, it looked black, it was really weird.

Today I had to make a cake for my dad because he's coming over today because of father's day and also because it's almost his birthday. It was seriously SO hard to ice, I broke down like twice on the sides, and twice on the top. Every time I'd try to smooth the sides all the frosting would come off, OF THE SAME TWO PARTS. It would be perfect, except for two parts where you could see the cake.

So I'd do it again, and again, and again. And then crumbs started getting into the frosting and OMG IT WAS SO FUCKING STUPID.

I started crying, I started screaming, I took the fucking spatula and hit it on the counter multiple times, flinging frosting fucking everywhere, then fucking threw it on the floor, marched off and got my razor blade.

Somehow I must have finished the cake because it's sitting on the counter not looking entirely terrible.

I hate being an imperfect perfectionist, because it's so fucking pointless. You have such high expectations for yourself and nothing you do is ever good enough, and it's sooooo frustrating. Why can't I just be perfect? That's literally all I want. If I was perfect I wouldn't hate myself, and all the negativity would be gone.

Or would I just waste so much more time on nothing? And be incredibly neurotic?

Life is so stupid.

- Mint.