I always ramble for far too long.

I'm a living ghost, waiting for death, to be at peace.

Ugh, I just hate everything right now. I hate the sunshine, and the birds chirping. I hate the happy people, who can do whatever they want. I hate myself for existing, and I hate life for playing this waiting game with me.

LIFE IS WAY TOO LONG.

I want it to be overrrrrr, it's like a really boring class where whenever you look at the clock, the time stays the same.

I'm so pathetic though because I talk all the time about how I don't want to be here anymore, but have I tried to kill myself at all? No. I must just like to complain about things.

How pathetic! How embarrassing! To put out into the world my spoilt thoughts. I'm sorry. Don't pay me any attention. I have no reason to be this unhappy, I'm just being an attention hog. Because, if I wasn't an attention hog, I'd write this in my journal which I haven't touched for months. So that proves it right there.

How pathetic.

Yesterday I realized that nothing I do is ever good enough in my mother's eyes. I had plans to hang out with friends all day long (it was going to make up for me missing Canada day long weekend because I'm stuck in Kelowna for a week starting Wednesday) and I told my mom multiple times since Friday about it. Yesterday morning when I mentioned it again she acted like it was the first time she's ever heard about it.

"How do you expect to get halfway through all of your courses before Wednesday then?"

"Uhhhh, I don't know...?"

The only reason I have to be at the halfway point by Wednesday is because she's dragging me to Kelowna for another week where I won't be able to do any school.

Safe to say I cancelled with my friends. It's easier to give up my plans than to have her stomping around and yelling at me and saying how I do nothing and I'm so lazy and I don't care and how I'm so spoilt and all I ever do is drink with friends and go out and I'm a terrible daughter and blah, blah, blah.

When I cancelled, my friends asked me just to go out for dinner and some drinks but I was too far gone.

I'm sick of fucking eating, I don't want food. I hate having to eat just because you want to eat. And if I don't eat, then you won't eat. HOW AM I THE ONE WITH THE EATING ISSUES HERE?

Plus, I'm fucking broke as hell. I don't want to spend all my money on food I don't want when I have free food in my fridge that I don't want just the same.

So I didn't reply to them because I just hated everything too damn much.

Later in the evening I got a text from one of my guy friends asking why I wasn't out with my other friends. AND I WAS EVEN MORE MAD.

I knew he would be there! I FUCKING KNEW IT. I haven't seen him in two years and fucking hell that would have been a fun night catching up, being social. BEING NINETEEN.

But noooooo, I read. Like I was supposed to, I read 50 pages of the huge-paged text book I have for my adolescent psych course. That's about 2 chapters, a sixth of the entire course, at least 2 weeks of information.

"What have you done today?"

"I read about 2 chapters, a sixth of the course."

"Did you do anything else?"

"... No?"

"Oh..."

- Mint.