That was the first 2014 entry I wrote in my journal.
A whole page dedicated to a lesson I simply can't learn.
It's a quote from my favourite book, The Catcher in the Rye (B I want that book back soon btw, I want to reread it) and I feel like it's one of the most relevant quotes in my life.
People who know nothing about you, people that you've never shared anything with, you don't miss them when they leave. You haven't really connected with them on any level so your soul feels no pull.
But the people who you've cut yourself open for, the ones you've given your blood to, the ones you've dedicated a corner of your heart to… when they leave, you miss them. It's terrible.
You've made yourself vulnerable by sharing and then you feel the terrible feeling of longing and it's gross. I don't like it, and it makes my stomach sink.
Anyway, I woke up this morning wanting to die as usual. But somehow I got inspired to get rid of some of the baggage in my room. Just cleaning mess, organizing space really. I opened my window wide, and pushed my curtains aside.
I read my old journals, and here I am. Sat upon my bed, writing and looking out the window. I'm watching clouds hang and people move. I feel like Carrie Bradshaw. You know, she writes at her desk that faces a window. It's lovely.
I still want to die though. But I guess that's just life.
I wish I had money. I really want to get my finger tattoos and I want to get a my first coloured tattoo! I want to get one of van Gogh's sunflowers on my left forearm. I don't know if I want it on the crease of my elbow or further down but yeahhhhh I want it!
He's my favourite artist. I absolutely love all of his work, and I love his story. I want the sunflower because it's sort of my flower. My mom and a few other people used to call me sunshine before all this shitty stuff made my brain disgusting. They called me sunshine and my mom would get me sunflowers when I was sick, or for celebrations and such. As all of you know as well, I'm a leo and my planet is the sun, and my flower is the sunflower so yeah it's kinda personal that way.
I'm more into black and white tattoos but I really want this one in colour because the yellow is important.
Have you seen that quote before on tumblr? The one that talks about how van Gogh used to eat yellow paint because he was desperate to get the happiness inside of him?
That's powerful. Everyone has their yellow paint. Everyone is desperate for happiness and they seek it in many forms; love, money, success, knowledge, power, control...
I think it's important to have the sunflower in colour because it's like, nature. Seek happiness in nature. Let your yellow be the earth.
Anyway, I'm just ranting now. I should finish fixing my room.
I'm really glad I'm writing and thinking and even painting (I painted yesterday!) again. I guess a week of sobriety is all I needed.
- Mint.
Monday, April 28, 2014
I'm really stressed because I'm crashing hard and fast.
I ended up coming back to K-town.
It was really dramatic actually. I was packing, and mom was packing, and I ended up having a panic attack because I knew I had to tell mom that I wanted to go by myself.
The time finally came and we yelled and I cried and then we yelled some more and then I marched off and drove away.
My mom and I don't understand each other right now at all. She doesn't understand distance doesn't mean abandonment. She doesn't get what goes on in my head, and why things are difficult for me.
I know talking wouldn't help either. I've tried to do that but she twists everything and then I get frustrated and yell which makes her really upset. She hears yelling and thinks it's really violent and angry. But when I yell it's just me talking really. When I scream however, that's when one should look out. That's when Mint has blown up.
Anyway, I left and I felt better not that far down the road. I was feeling confident. I was going to get back and do the damn bar exam, see the stupid doctor, and get a roommate. I'd get all my baggage sorted out, so that when I went back to my hometown, I wouldn't be haunted by anything. I'd be free and happy, and my soul would be at peace. However, halfway to my destination, I learnt that mom was following me back to K-town, and would be staying at my place for a few days.
That cracked any confidence or motivation I had towards getting anything done. Having my mom come back with me felt like having a crutch. My spirit was shattered.
Safe to say that I didn't find a roommate, OR finish my dumb exam yet…
Mom made me go to the doctor's though… the doctor was a bitch. But I've come to realize that I'll think they're all bitches.
This one was a bitch because she said my anxiety was a phase and it's just because of hormones. She doubled my dosage and told me to come back in three weeks to see how it's worked.
Apparently my original dose was so small that I wouldn't have felt any difference anyway. I was just given it so that I had something in my system. But yeah, now I'm double dosing it. Hopefully it works. It's actually an anti-depressant so it'd be sweet to kill two birds with one stone here.
I was really pissed though that the lady wouldn't refer me to a psychiatrist though. She said I didn't need it but I'm thinking that's because she thinks that's the only reason I'm there (because I won't tell mom about the other shit). So, when I go see the doctor again (which will be by myself), I'm going to be straight up and tell her everything.
Because I really want to talk to someone who will get what I'm saying and listen even if it's just because it's their job. I want to sort shit out. I want to stop feeling like crap all the fucking time. I hate hating myself. I'd like to be able to focus on something as well. Like reading a book and studying and stuff. To have a clear mind without haze would be amazing. Just think of the things I could do...
Side note: Mom is seeing her doctor on Wednesday because ever since she retired (4 months ago), she's been feeling "empty" and as if "she has no purpose" or "reason to get up in the morning". I asked if this is the first time she's ever felt empty and she said yes and I told her she was fucking lucky. She's 50 and this is the first time she's felt empty or numb? Lucky bitch.
She's done research too and she thinks she has borderline personality disorder. However, I seem to fit the criteria better than she does. She also thinks that her ex (my dad) has narcissistic personality disorder. However, my brother seems to fit that criteria better. So it's official. My family is made up of loons and we're all completely fucked.
Awesome.
- Mint.
It was really dramatic actually. I was packing, and mom was packing, and I ended up having a panic attack because I knew I had to tell mom that I wanted to go by myself.
The time finally came and we yelled and I cried and then we yelled some more and then I marched off and drove away.
My mom and I don't understand each other right now at all. She doesn't understand distance doesn't mean abandonment. She doesn't get what goes on in my head, and why things are difficult for me.
I know talking wouldn't help either. I've tried to do that but she twists everything and then I get frustrated and yell which makes her really upset. She hears yelling and thinks it's really violent and angry. But when I yell it's just me talking really. When I scream however, that's when one should look out. That's when Mint has blown up.
Anyway, I left and I felt better not that far down the road. I was feeling confident. I was going to get back and do the damn bar exam, see the stupid doctor, and get a roommate. I'd get all my baggage sorted out, so that when I went back to my hometown, I wouldn't be haunted by anything. I'd be free and happy, and my soul would be at peace. However, halfway to my destination, I learnt that mom was following me back to K-town, and would be staying at my place for a few days.
That cracked any confidence or motivation I had towards getting anything done. Having my mom come back with me felt like having a crutch. My spirit was shattered.
Safe to say that I didn't find a roommate, OR finish my dumb exam yet…
Mom made me go to the doctor's though… the doctor was a bitch. But I've come to realize that I'll think they're all bitches.
This one was a bitch because she said my anxiety was a phase and it's just because of hormones. She doubled my dosage and told me to come back in three weeks to see how it's worked.
Apparently my original dose was so small that I wouldn't have felt any difference anyway. I was just given it so that I had something in my system. But yeah, now I'm double dosing it. Hopefully it works. It's actually an anti-depressant so it'd be sweet to kill two birds with one stone here.
I was really pissed though that the lady wouldn't refer me to a psychiatrist though. She said I didn't need it but I'm thinking that's because she thinks that's the only reason I'm there (because I won't tell mom about the other shit). So, when I go see the doctor again (which will be by myself), I'm going to be straight up and tell her everything.
Because I really want to talk to someone who will get what I'm saying and listen even if it's just because it's their job. I want to sort shit out. I want to stop feeling like crap all the fucking time. I hate hating myself. I'd like to be able to focus on something as well. Like reading a book and studying and stuff. To have a clear mind without haze would be amazing. Just think of the things I could do...
Side note: Mom is seeing her doctor on Wednesday because ever since she retired (4 months ago), she's been feeling "empty" and as if "she has no purpose" or "reason to get up in the morning". I asked if this is the first time she's ever felt empty and she said yes and I told her she was fucking lucky. She's 50 and this is the first time she's felt empty or numb? Lucky bitch.
She's done research too and she thinks she has borderline personality disorder. However, I seem to fit the criteria better than she does. She also thinks that her ex (my dad) has narcissistic personality disorder. However, my brother seems to fit that criteria better. So it's official. My family is made up of loons and we're all completely fucked.
Awesome.
- Mint.
Thursday, April 24, 2014
I don't understand anything.
I DON'T GET PEOPLE FOR SO MANY DIFFERENT REASONS IT'S INCREDIBLE.
I DON'T EVEN UNDERSTAND MYSELF.
I got back to my hometown Saturday night, and I already have to get myself out. I'm leaving in about an hour.
I think this need to get out of my hometown might be self-inflicted though. Actually, I'm sure it is. It's my fucking brain that's fucked.
It's self-inflicted because I got home, went out and saw a shit ton of people from my old high school, went and explored said old high school with B, watched the entire series of Freaks and Geeks, and watched some glee.
Everything was so fucking high school related. So now, everywhere I turn, I'm automatically transported to every single shitty time of my life. It's just like when I go to my old campus. I go there and I become a ghost; forever reliving my dark times. Forever and ever, over and over.
It's terrible. It's a bad dream that can only be escaped by leaving all together.
It's really ironic though because I came home because I needed a breather from K-town. I was a tornado of chaos who needed peace. But I get home and it's just fucking worse.
I'm running. From current chaos, and past lives.
Everything is self-inflicted and I really need to do something about it.
My mom and I were planning on going to K-town for like 2 days just so that we could fix some things with the apartment, so that I could go see a doctor, finish my bar tending degree, and interview a possible future summer roomie. We were going to do that, and then come right back for the rest of my visit back home (aka until the 9th).
But last night the ghosts were real, and vivid. I went into mom's room crying and said that I wasn't going to come back after Kelowna.
I didn't give her details because I know she doesn't know about anything that bothers me. And she wouldn't understand either. She'd twist it and turn it so that I was leaving because I hated her or something.
I ended up telling her this morning though that I had to leave because everything was reminding me of the eleven years I spent in this house. But of course she didn't want to have it.
I feel bad because I know mom wants a good visit with her daughter. She lives for it; don't believe me if you don't want to but it's true.
She tried to barter with me like, "We'll go to Kelowna for those couple days and then come back for like a week. So it's not the whole time."
BUT I DON'T CARE. ANYTIME IS TOO MUCH TIME. Like she doesn't listennnnn. She goes on and on about how I don't open up to her and I finally do and she just brushes it aside. I wish she would stop making me feel guilty about every little decision I make. I wish she'd bud out of every detail of my life.
I can't handle being with her for prolonged amounts of time. Even though she's always fucking working when I'm with her anyway.
Like I mean, she's fucking retired and everyday I've been here, she's been working all day. How does any of this make sense?
Whenever I come home I lose all control. I eat everything, I hate everything, I blow up. I can't shower, I can't get up, I can't do anything.
The only real difference between here and K-town though is definitely the food issue. When I'm home I non-stop eat. I'll be soooo fucking full and just shove more down my fucking throat. I'm just looking for feelings. Any feelings to avoid the coldness of the lingering memories. However when I'm in K-town I eat once a day and then fill up on rum and diet coke.
I'm crashing anywhere I go and I decided that I need to see someone.
I wonder if it'll work. But I need to face reality. There's stuff I want to do in life, but the mess in my head is stopping me from doing anything and everything. I need to see someone, and talk about everything. Just be fucking honest.
It'll be hard but I'm learning quickly that the only person who can help you is yourself. No one's going to make me see a doctor. My soul can't fix my brain without a mirror reflecting and guiding. And no one's going to pick me off the floor when I cut too deep, or drink too much.
The only karma that you'll get back is the karma that you've put out into the universe for yourself.
Sure you can help someone out, I mean, don't be selfish here. But I'm saying do you actually want to help that person? If you help someone that you don't want to help, you're going to get shit all back. I just learnt that recently and it's so true I swear.
Anyway, the point here is that I can run all I want, but until I fix my rotten brain, I'm not going to feel any better about anything. So I'm going to go fix it. Hopefully it works. Hopefully I get better.
I know this post was about how I don't understand people, but if I start on that now, this post will double in size. Let's just say that I don't understand why people can't think about anyone other than themselves. Is this normal? To only think about yourself, and no one else?
My friends from my hometown, my friends from K-town, B's friends from our hometown. Everyone is selfish. No one fucking listens. No one fucking cares.
I remember when I was in high school and straight up told some friends that I was starving myself, or that I wanted to kill myself. No one did anything. No one had any concern. I thought that it was just because we were in high school and everyone feels uncomfortable with themselves in high school; so my problems weren't actual problems. But it just keeps seeming to follow.
I know that when I have a friend that's acting odd or different or expresses some problems they've been having, my problems are non-existent. I ask them questions, try to give advice, check up on them every so often. Like even if they don't come up to me and say they're having problems, if I notice something, I ask.
If I did miss something, I'm so sorry. I really am. Don't think I don't care. Because I most definitely care. A lot.
BUT WHY DON'T OTHERS? I DON'T GET IT. I DON'T GET PEOPLE.
- Mint.
I DON'T EVEN UNDERSTAND MYSELF.
I got back to my hometown Saturday night, and I already have to get myself out. I'm leaving in about an hour.
I think this need to get out of my hometown might be self-inflicted though. Actually, I'm sure it is. It's my fucking brain that's fucked.
It's self-inflicted because I got home, went out and saw a shit ton of people from my old high school, went and explored said old high school with B, watched the entire series of Freaks and Geeks, and watched some glee.
Everything was so fucking high school related. So now, everywhere I turn, I'm automatically transported to every single shitty time of my life. It's just like when I go to my old campus. I go there and I become a ghost; forever reliving my dark times. Forever and ever, over and over.
It's terrible. It's a bad dream that can only be escaped by leaving all together.
It's really ironic though because I came home because I needed a breather from K-town. I was a tornado of chaos who needed peace. But I get home and it's just fucking worse.
I'm running. From current chaos, and past lives.
Everything is self-inflicted and I really need to do something about it.
My mom and I were planning on going to K-town for like 2 days just so that we could fix some things with the apartment, so that I could go see a doctor, finish my bar tending degree, and interview a possible future summer roomie. We were going to do that, and then come right back for the rest of my visit back home (aka until the 9th).
But last night the ghosts were real, and vivid. I went into mom's room crying and said that I wasn't going to come back after Kelowna.
I didn't give her details because I know she doesn't know about anything that bothers me. And she wouldn't understand either. She'd twist it and turn it so that I was leaving because I hated her or something.
I ended up telling her this morning though that I had to leave because everything was reminding me of the eleven years I spent in this house. But of course she didn't want to have it.
I feel bad because I know mom wants a good visit with her daughter. She lives for it; don't believe me if you don't want to but it's true.
She tried to barter with me like, "We'll go to Kelowna for those couple days and then come back for like a week. So it's not the whole time."
BUT I DON'T CARE. ANYTIME IS TOO MUCH TIME. Like she doesn't listennnnn. She goes on and on about how I don't open up to her and I finally do and she just brushes it aside. I wish she would stop making me feel guilty about every little decision I make. I wish she'd bud out of every detail of my life.
I can't handle being with her for prolonged amounts of time. Even though she's always fucking working when I'm with her anyway.
Like I mean, she's fucking retired and everyday I've been here, she's been working all day. How does any of this make sense?
Whenever I come home I lose all control. I eat everything, I hate everything, I blow up. I can't shower, I can't get up, I can't do anything.
The only real difference between here and K-town though is definitely the food issue. When I'm home I non-stop eat. I'll be soooo fucking full and just shove more down my fucking throat. I'm just looking for feelings. Any feelings to avoid the coldness of the lingering memories. However when I'm in K-town I eat once a day and then fill up on rum and diet coke.
I'm crashing anywhere I go and I decided that I need to see someone.
I wonder if it'll work. But I need to face reality. There's stuff I want to do in life, but the mess in my head is stopping me from doing anything and everything. I need to see someone, and talk about everything. Just be fucking honest.
It'll be hard but I'm learning quickly that the only person who can help you is yourself. No one's going to make me see a doctor. My soul can't fix my brain without a mirror reflecting and guiding. And no one's going to pick me off the floor when I cut too deep, or drink too much.
The only karma that you'll get back is the karma that you've put out into the universe for yourself.
Sure you can help someone out, I mean, don't be selfish here. But I'm saying do you actually want to help that person? If you help someone that you don't want to help, you're going to get shit all back. I just learnt that recently and it's so true I swear.
Anyway, the point here is that I can run all I want, but until I fix my rotten brain, I'm not going to feel any better about anything. So I'm going to go fix it. Hopefully it works. Hopefully I get better.
I know this post was about how I don't understand people, but if I start on that now, this post will double in size. Let's just say that I don't understand why people can't think about anyone other than themselves. Is this normal? To only think about yourself, and no one else?
My friends from my hometown, my friends from K-town, B's friends from our hometown. Everyone is selfish. No one fucking listens. No one fucking cares.
I remember when I was in high school and straight up told some friends that I was starving myself, or that I wanted to kill myself. No one did anything. No one had any concern. I thought that it was just because we were in high school and everyone feels uncomfortable with themselves in high school; so my problems weren't actual problems. But it just keeps seeming to follow.
I know that when I have a friend that's acting odd or different or expresses some problems they've been having, my problems are non-existent. I ask them questions, try to give advice, check up on them every so often. Like even if they don't come up to me and say they're having problems, if I notice something, I ask.
If I did miss something, I'm so sorry. I really am. Don't think I don't care. Because I most definitely care. A lot.
BUT WHY DON'T OTHERS? I DON'T GET IT. I DON'T GET PEOPLE.
- Mint.
Sunday, April 6, 2014
Wow I haven't blogged in so long, let's try to catch up.
- B came for her visitttttt. She was supposed to stay for 4 weeks, but we went too hard and she only had enough money for 2 weeks. I was really sad when she left :( It's odd how fast you get used to having someone by your side 24/7. When she left, we were on shaky terms, but it still felt like hell going home alone.
- I'm selling drugs now. That's cool.
- T and I had been hanging out every so often and texting a lot. We even slept together, he was my first. But then one day I was selling him some shit and I scratched his car and now he hates me. He'll reply to my texts to be polite, but there's no real conversation. We don't hang out anymore. Like fuck.
- Do you remember that one time in September when I passed out in the parking lot in front of my apartment and these guys found me and took me in for the night? Well I saw the guy one night when B and I were out and I ended up going home with him and fooling around. It turns out that he's a real fucking dick though and he called B fat and I was fucking pissed. No one has no right to say anything about anyone's body. Like, that's personal. And none of your fucking business. So anyway, this week I went out to the club with him and his friends. Ended up leaving really early with his roommate, slept with his roommate in HIS FUCKING BED, stole 80 bucks off his dresser, and took the mother fucker's whiskey. No one calls my bitch fucking nothing.
- I also slept with this aussie that T doesn't like yesterday morning. I woke up really early and just wanted to cuddle someone so I texted him and he said to come over and then one thing led to another and then yup, I slept with him. We actually blend really well and he seems like a pretty good guy so there's that.
- Oh I went to a bar by myself earlier this week. So pathetic I know, I'm getting to that.
- I also met this group of guys the day after St. Patty's and I went to their place after the pub and just chilled and drank and shit. They're all best friends from Calgary but they're all really funny and they thought I was funny and I got to become part of their crew. One of the guys (he's a leo too) really interested me, and when everyone went to bed we stayed up for a couple of hours just talking about philosophical shit and then ended up making out and stuff.
- B and I were drunk for 30 hours straight one day when she was here hahaha it was fucking amazing. We were so fucked it was hilarious. MAAM, MAAM THIS MCCHICKEN SAUCE IS NOT FOR YOU MAAMMMM. OH MY SWEET SALLY'S FUCKING WEENIES.
- Oh we also went to this arcade thing that's here and we played mini golf and I'd never done that before so that was cool. I fucking suck at it lmao we also rode go karts (I rock at that), and rode a roller coaster simulator and that was sweet too lol
- OHHHH WE ALSO WENT TO THIS BAR AND SAW LIVE MUSIC AND GOT A FREE CD AND GOT IT SIGNED AND SHIT
- WE ALSO WENT TO A COMEDY NIGHT
- I also tried to run out on my tab at this one place but I forgot to tell B that that's what I was doing and she got so mad lol drunk Mint is a fucking bitch.
- B AND I ALSO WENT TO MULTIPLE PARKSSSSS AND PLAYED ON SWINGS AND TEETER TOTTERS AND CLIMBED UP ON THIS TALL THING AND WATCHED THE SUN SET. SO ROMANTIC.
- We also ate so much fucking pizza omg. But somehow I lost 5 pounds.
- I miss you B… :(
- Oh I crashed my car again while I was driving back to Alberta. It was one in the morning, the roads were shit, no one was on the roads, and when I crashed I had no service. That was fucking scary. But I got a ride from a semi driver, slept in a hotel room all by myself, got my car towed in the morning, realized that my car was fucked, got mom to come get me, bought a new car while in Alberta because I needed to get back to Kelowna to work after a couple of days. Which sucked because I miss my old car soooo much. I'm still in love with it.
- The reason I went to AB in the first place was because I was going crazy and I told my mom that I wanted a pill to help with my anxiety. I went to a walk in and the dr said that I'd need to find a family dr in Kelowna so that I can be properly diagnosed and so that they can play with prescriptions. But she gave me a prescription for this one anti-depressant/anti-anxiety medication just so that I had something started. But now it's 3 weeks later and I still haven't gone to see the dr. I'm too fucking scared. Embarrassed. I feel like I'm not sick enough for help. I'm fine I'm fine I'm fine. I'm just a fucking wimp, you know?
- The medication made me feel really nauseous, drowsy, and gave me a dry mouth in the beginning. So whenever I went to work I was so fucking thankful for my coffee. But then we got a new manager who was a bitch and changed everything which is dumb and she said you can't have coffee in the front. So I tried to live without it but I couldn't so I quit lolol
- I wasn't really afraid of quitting because I had signed up for a bar tending course. So I really don't need retail behind me, even though you should never quit on the spot. Oh well. Anyway, I've been too nervous to show up for my course… The instructor said I could come the week after, but that came and went. I told him straight up that my anxiety was getting the better of me and that I really don't want to do it, and that it's fine. He reassured me though and so I'm going to my first class tomorrow. He said that there's only 2 other girls in there so hopefully they're nice. Hopefully I can get my ass to class tomorrow. Fingers crossed…
- Oh that guy that I met in number 7, he spent all his cash on college night at this club we were at and legit had no way to get home. His friends all flew, but he was waiting to buy his greyhound ticket because he wasn't exactly sure when he was wanting to leave. BUT YEAH, HE SPENT ALL HIS MONEY AND I THOUGHT, HEY, I'LL DRIVE YOU. 8 HOURS THERE, 8 HOURS BACK. SURE. GOOD KARMA POINTS. GOOD GRACIOUS HEART. It made me feel like a really good person, but hopefully I get something back from all of this.
- I went out on Friday night with Dill and Morgan but I ended up passing out in the cab on the way there so my friends asked them to bring me back home while they went out. I was soooo black out drunk I have no idea how that happened. The cab cost 36 bucks apparently so I was so pissed because I thought that my friends made me pay for both ways. Which wasn't the case apparently because Morgan told me that they payed for the ride down. So I def got screwed over somewhere.
- Morgan and Dill always use my computer for FB when they're here and always forget to log out so I always peak through their messages because I'm a bad fucking person. Anyway, I found out the Morgan was really fucking pissed at me for that night because apparently after every time we go out together I act like a passive-aggressive bitch. And apparently if we do something that wasn't in "my" plan. I bitch about it after. Which makes no sense because I always want a fucked up night of running around. That's how you meet people, that's how you go on adventures. It just hurts reading that sort of stuff you know? Reminds me of high school. But like, it's my fault for reading it. I created my own pain here. But it just makes me feel lonelier than ever.
- I'm chaotic right now. It's the perfect way to describe it. I'm a flame. And I'm out of control right now. I'm a fucking forest fire. Engulfing everything in flames. Destroying everything I love, everything I hate. Mindlessly running, mindlessly acting. Nothing makes sense.
- Roomie is leaving in a couple weeks and I have to find someone else to live with me. My uni friends are leaving soon for the summer because school is over. Saydee is gone. T hates me. Dill and Morgan are leaving at the end of August for Van and I probably won't because A) They hate me B) I'm broke as fuck. Even if the aussie does seem awesome and everything's cool with him, he's leaving back to Australia at the end of summer too. Like legit I'm here alone. And I have no money. And no plan. And I'm flipping the fuck out. And I'm so scared to do anything. And I'm so alone. I'm so alone. I'm so alone, someone help me…
- I need a drink.
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