I ended up coming back to K-town.
It was really dramatic actually. I was packing, and mom was packing, and I ended up having a panic attack because I knew I had to tell mom that I wanted to go by myself.
The time finally came and we yelled and I cried and then we yelled some more and then I marched off and drove away.
My mom and I don't understand each other right now at all. She doesn't understand distance doesn't mean abandonment. She doesn't get what goes on in my head, and why things are difficult for me.
I know talking wouldn't help either. I've tried to do that but she twists everything and then I get frustrated and yell which makes her really upset. She hears yelling and thinks it's really violent and angry. But when I yell it's just me talking really. When I scream however, that's when one should look out. That's when Mint has blown up.
Anyway, I left and I felt better not that far down the road. I was feeling confident. I was going to get back and do the damn bar exam, see the stupid doctor, and get a roommate. I'd get all my baggage sorted out, so that when I went back to my hometown, I wouldn't be haunted by anything. I'd be free and happy, and my soul would be at peace. However, halfway to my destination, I learnt that mom was following me back to K-town, and would be staying at my place for a few days.
That cracked any confidence or motivation I had towards getting anything done. Having my mom come back with me felt like having a crutch. My spirit was shattered.
Safe to say that I didn't find a roommate, OR finish my dumb exam yet…
Mom made me go to the doctor's though… the doctor was a bitch. But I've come to realize that I'll think they're all bitches.
This one was a bitch because she said my anxiety was a phase and it's just because of hormones. She doubled my dosage and told me to come back in three weeks to see how it's worked.
Apparently my original dose was so small that I wouldn't have felt any difference anyway. I was just given it so that I had something in my system. But yeah, now I'm double dosing it. Hopefully it works. It's actually an anti-depressant so it'd be sweet to kill two birds with one stone here.
I was really pissed though that the lady wouldn't refer me to a psychiatrist though. She said I didn't need it but I'm thinking that's because she thinks that's the only reason I'm there (because I won't tell mom about the other shit). So, when I go see the doctor again (which will be by myself), I'm going to be straight up and tell her everything.
Because I really want to talk to someone who will get what I'm saying and listen even if it's just because it's their job. I want to sort shit out. I want to stop feeling like crap all the fucking time. I hate hating myself. I'd like to be able to focus on something as well. Like reading a book and studying and stuff. To have a clear mind without haze would be amazing. Just think of the things I could do...
Side note: Mom is seeing her doctor on Wednesday because ever since she retired (4 months ago), she's been feeling "empty" and as if "she has no purpose" or "reason to get up in the morning". I asked if this is the first time she's ever felt empty and she said yes and I told her she was fucking lucky. She's 50 and this is the first time she's felt empty or numb? Lucky bitch.
She's done research too and she thinks she has borderline personality disorder. However, I seem to fit the criteria better than she does. She also thinks that her ex (my dad) has narcissistic personality disorder. However, my brother seems to fit that criteria better. So it's official. My family is made up of loons and we're all completely fucked.
Awesome.
- Mint.
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