"Don't ever tell anybody anything. If you do, you start missing everybody."

That was the first 2014 entry I wrote in my journal.

A whole page dedicated to a lesson I simply can't learn.

It's a quote from my favourite book, The Catcher in the Rye (B I want that book back soon btw, I want to reread it) and I feel like it's one of the most relevant quotes in my life.

People who know nothing about you, people that you've never shared anything with, you don't miss them when they leave. You haven't really connected with them on any level so your soul feels no pull.

But the people who you've cut yourself open for, the ones you've given your blood to, the ones you've dedicated a corner of your heart to… when they leave, you miss them. It's terrible.

You've made yourself vulnerable by sharing and then you feel the terrible feeling of longing and it's gross. I don't like it, and it makes my stomach sink.

Anyway, I woke up this morning wanting to die as usual. But somehow I got inspired to get rid of some of the baggage in my room. Just cleaning mess, organizing space really. I opened my window wide, and pushed my curtains aside.

I read my old journals, and here I am. Sat upon my bed, writing and looking out the window. I'm watching clouds hang and people move. I feel like Carrie Bradshaw. You know, she writes at her desk that faces a window. It's lovely.

I still want to die though. But I guess that's just life.

I wish I had money. I really want to get my finger tattoos and I want to get a my first coloured tattoo! I want to get one of van Gogh's sunflowers on my left forearm. I don't know if I want it on the crease of my elbow or further down but yeahhhhh I want it!

He's my favourite artist. I absolutely love all of his work, and I love his story. I want the sunflower because it's sort of my flower. My mom and a few other people used to call me sunshine before all this shitty stuff made my brain disgusting. They called me sunshine and my mom would get me sunflowers when I was sick, or for celebrations and such. As all of you know as well, I'm a leo and my planet is the sun, and my flower is the sunflower so yeah it's kinda personal that way.

I'm more into black and white tattoos but I really want this one in colour because the yellow is important.

Have you seen that quote before on tumblr? The one that talks about how van Gogh used to eat yellow paint because he was desperate to get the happiness inside of him?

That's powerful. Everyone has their yellow paint. Everyone is desperate for happiness and they seek it in many forms; love, money, success, knowledge, power, control...

I think it's important to have the sunflower in colour because it's like, nature. Seek happiness in nature. Let your yellow be the earth.

Anyway, I'm just ranting now. I should finish fixing my room.

I'm really glad I'm writing and thinking and even painting (I painted yesterday!) again. I guess a week of sobriety is all I needed.

- Mint.