I don't understand anything.

I DON'T GET PEOPLE FOR SO MANY DIFFERENT REASONS IT'S INCREDIBLE.
I DON'T EVEN UNDERSTAND MYSELF.

I got back to my hometown Saturday night, and I already have to get myself out. I'm leaving in about an hour.

I think this need to get out of my hometown might be self-inflicted though. Actually, I'm sure it is. It's my fucking brain that's fucked.

It's self-inflicted because I got home, went out and saw a shit ton of people from my old high school, went and explored said old high school with B, watched the entire series of Freaks and Geeks, and watched some glee.

Everything was so fucking high school related. So now, everywhere I turn, I'm automatically transported to every single shitty time of my life. It's just like when I go to my old campus. I go there and I become a ghost; forever reliving my dark times. Forever and ever, over and over.

It's terrible. It's a bad dream that can only be escaped by leaving all together.

It's really ironic though because I came home because I needed a breather from K-town. I was a tornado of chaos who needed peace. But I get home and it's just fucking worse.

I'm running. From current chaos, and past lives.

Everything is self-inflicted and I really need to do something about it.

My mom and I were planning on going to K-town for like 2 days just so that we could fix some things with the apartment, so that I could go see a doctor, finish my bar tending degree, and interview a possible future summer roomie. We were going to do that, and then come right back for the rest of my visit back home (aka until the 9th).

But last night the ghosts were real, and vivid. I went into mom's room crying and said that I wasn't going to come back after Kelowna.

I didn't give her details because I know she doesn't know about anything that bothers me. And she wouldn't understand either. She'd twist it and turn it so that I was leaving because I hated her or something.

I ended up telling her this morning though that I had to leave because everything was reminding me of the eleven years I spent in this house. But of course she didn't want to have it.

I feel bad because I know mom wants a good visit with her daughter. She lives for it; don't believe me if you don't want to but it's true.

She tried to barter with me like, "We'll go to Kelowna for those couple days and then come back for like a week. So it's not the whole time."

BUT I DON'T CARE. ANYTIME IS TOO MUCH TIME. Like she doesn't listennnnn. She goes on and on about how I don't open up to her and I finally do and she just brushes it aside. I wish she would stop making me feel guilty about every little decision I make. I wish she'd bud out of every detail of my life.

I can't handle being with her for prolonged amounts of time. Even though she's always fucking working when I'm with her anyway.

Like I mean, she's fucking retired and everyday I've been here, she's been working all day. How does any of this make sense?

Whenever I come home I lose all control. I eat everything, I hate everything, I blow up. I can't shower, I can't get up, I can't do anything.

The only real difference between here and K-town though is definitely the food issue. When I'm home I non-stop eat. I'll be soooo fucking full and just shove more down my fucking throat. I'm just looking for feelings. Any feelings to avoid the coldness of the lingering memories. However when I'm in K-town I eat once a day and then fill up on rum and diet coke.

I'm crashing anywhere I go and I decided that I need to see someone.

I wonder if it'll work. But I need to face reality. There's stuff I want to do in life, but the mess in my head is stopping me from doing anything and everything. I need to see someone, and talk about everything. Just be fucking honest.

It'll be hard but I'm learning quickly that the only person who can help you is yourself. No one's going to make me see a doctor. My soul can't fix my brain without a mirror reflecting and guiding. And no one's going to pick me off the floor when I cut too deep, or drink too much.

The only karma that you'll get back is the karma that you've put out into the universe for yourself.

Sure you can help someone out, I mean, don't be selfish here. But I'm saying do you actually want to help that person? If you help someone that you don't want to help, you're going to get shit all back. I just learnt that recently and it's so true I swear.

Anyway, the point here is that I can run all I want, but until I fix my rotten brain, I'm not going to feel any better about anything. So I'm going to go fix it. Hopefully it works. Hopefully I get better.

I know this post was about how I don't understand people, but if I start on that now, this post will double in size. Let's just say that I don't understand why people can't think about anyone other than themselves. Is this normal? To only think about yourself, and no one else?

My friends from my hometown, my friends from K-town, B's friends from our hometown. Everyone is selfish. No one fucking listens. No one fucking cares.

I remember when I was in high school and straight up told some friends that I was starving myself, or that I wanted to kill myself. No one did anything. No one had any concern. I thought that it was just because we were in high school and everyone feels uncomfortable with themselves in high school; so my problems weren't actual problems. But it just keeps seeming to follow.

I know that when I have a friend that's acting odd or different or expresses some problems they've been having, my problems are non-existent. I ask them questions, try to give advice, check up on them every so often. Like even if they don't come up to me and say they're having problems, if I notice something, I ask.

If I did miss something, I'm so sorry. I really am. Don't think I don't care. Because I most definitely care. A lot.

BUT WHY DON'T OTHERS? I DON'T GET IT. I DON'T GET PEOPLE.

- Mint.