I just wanted to share my latest tumblr post with you all.
What I forgot to mention is another reason why I didn't eat. And what triggered me back into whatever this is (my ED? I don't know, I'm probably just mad).
After I got back to my room, my friend did text me. Turns out she were at the other cafeteria that was still apparently open. She was there with two of my other "friends".
One of which was my trigger.
See, what I've been doing for the last few weeks is this:
- Wake up/get ready super early
- Go to the cafeteria
- Get all my food for the day
- Return to my room.
Because classes have been over since the 5th, I've had no real reason to leave my room other than for food or my exams. When classes were still going on, I'd usually eat with a friend or pick it up on my way back to my room, so I wouldn't have to go out alone. If I were in a situation where I had to leave my room (during a time where the cafeteria was busy) to get food I'd feel super anxious and super guilty so I avoid them at all costs. Now don't get me wrong, going in the morning makes me feel anxious and guilty also, but just not to the same amount.
Don't ask me why I've been eating anyway because I don't know. I'm fatter than a whale now...
ANYWAY. So this buying food in the morning thing was working out well until the 8th (Easter). This one obnoxious girl I know was getting ready for church and saw me so she yelled at me from her window, this making me feel even more guilty and anxious because, "someone caught me".
I yelled "Hi!" back and tried to calm myself down by saying that it was "okay" to get food, and "okay" to eat.
She then promptly texted me. Asking why I was up so early, if I was always up that early, and what I was doing with a bag of food so early.
I told her I'm just an early riser (lie) and that I get all my food for the day with my breakfast because I'm "lazy" (lie).
WELL, she told my one friend (the one who texted me after the exam) which resulted in her texted me on the 17th (I think), MAKING FUN OF ME FOR GETTING MY FOOD. This of course making me feel worse about eating.
The one thing that really pissed me off here is that she KNOWS I have some issues with food. For some reason it came up and I trusted the bitch and told her. But obviously she either doesn't believe me (because I'm fat as fuck) or doesn't fucking care.
After reading her text I tried to ignore it, and just simply not reply.
A few hours laterrrrr, my OTHER friend texted me (this is the friend who triggered me, you'll see why) asking me why I got all my food in the morning, and that it was "fucked up" and "weird". I guessed that the friend (who know about my issues) told this friend. Great.
At first I didn't reply. "I'll just not let it bother me" I said. But then... it started to fucking bother me.
So I basically was super honest and was just like, "I feel super anxious and greedy when I get food so I go when there's less people which calms my nerves a little bit. I usually wouldn't go but it's exams and I'm stressing out and am super depressed so sorry that my brain is FORCING me to eat, so I HAVE to go out and get food..."
At this point in the text, I started getting angry, I realized that it's none of their business what/when I eat so the rest went something like, "...And why does it even fucking matter when I get my food? Why are you guys even talking about this? And why is this a fucking highlight in your guys' lives? I must be really fucked up since three of you are talking to each other about the same fucking thing. You can go ahead and tell everyone why I'm so fucked up (not that you guys really need permission anyway). But it's just weird that N decided to tell you because she fucking knows about the issues I have with food."
Now, if my friend replied with this, I would've tried to comfort them and most importantly, I'D FUCKING SAY SORRY. But nooooo, he replies by saying, "That's funny since N didn't tell me anything."
I calmly apologized and said that I only assumed that because she texted me only a few hours before, talking about the exact same thing.
His reply, "I'll just assume you're angry because you're stressed over exams."
T_T
Basically saying I'm a bitch for assuming my friend was gossiping and that no one cares whether I eat or not because I'm so fat and really should just disappear, and not force my fat ugly presence on anyone.
I should disappear.
Which is true! After that it's like POOF! Back to obsessing over food, and avoiding the fuck out of it. And if I do eat, "Fucking whore, fucking whore, fat fucking whore."
So today, when my friend texted me after the final saying where she was and that he was there too. It was like a sign to be strong, and continue with my fast.
I'll prove them wrong. One day, I'll be so thin that they'll talk about how they never see me eat a thing, how they regret not worrying before, and how they wish they weren't so fucking stupid.
And if they don't notice, it won't matter because I'll be happy, and I'll be even closer to vanishing into thin air.
Sorry for the long post! I'm just hurt I guess...
♥, Mint.
