P.s

Fast starting Sunday.

HATE

Hello~!

Don't worry, I'm still here! It's just hard to post when I'm working, and super exhausted, and when I'm still as pathetic as ever... T_T

Food wise, I still suck, but this time I'll be good for sure. FOR SURE, FOR SURE. I'm going to get my diet pills this week. And I'm just sick of myself to an extreme.

I honestly don't know if they do anything or not, but they motivate me, and I will pay whatever price as long as I lose this weight. And right now, I don't even care that the pills make my heart jump and flutter every so often, and that taking them when my heart is already acting all weird and jumpy probably isn't the best idea. But whatever, just fuck it.

This post is going to be more about how much I fucking hateeee myself, and how depressing and annoying I am. So much fun.

I live in a world of contrasts.


I want friends, but push them away. I want so badly to be thin, but don't care when there's any food in front of me. I want to go out and have fun, but I just want to be alone. I want to enjoy life, I want to be dead.

Ugh, I don't even know what to say here... I'm just so pathetic! I complain how my friends aren't real friends because they never talk to me or want to hang out, and then when they DO want to do anything, I have the nerve to just ignore their texts and phone calls.

I'm such a pathetic bitch! Why can't I just go and have fun with my friends?

Oh right, because I can't fit any of my clothes, because I feel so self-conscious, because I hate myself so much that it gets pushed onto those around me.

Oh, and another reason why I'm so pathetic: I was supposed to be at a funeral right now for someone my mom and I knew fairly well. Am I there now? Nope. How come? Because I just can't do it. I have no sympathy, and I just don't care about anything or anyone other than the fact that I'm fat and can't show my face anywhere.

I hide from everything! I just stay in my room, and wish I was dead.

My god, I need skinny. I need skinny now. When I was thin everything was better. Life was still life and sucked, but at least I felt a little more comfortable in my own skin. At least I could leave the house knowing that it was my head saying I was fat, that the fat wasn't a reality.

Now I'm just living a nightmare. 


I need to wake up...
Think thin, and whatever you do, don't let the fat take over.
♥,
Mint.

But then a little Feather passed by my nose.

I've decided to come back.

this sounds scornfully familiar...


To write everyday about what is happening from day to day. To write my thoughts, and feelings, my fears.

I remembered back to when I started this blog (almost a year ago!), and how nice it was to have my progress documented, and to have people support me, and understand all too well what I was going through.

I forgot that this isn't just a blog, it's a community! And I need to play my part.

I've been selfish.

I thought of this blog as just a way to keep my thoughts in order. And if I didn't write anything, that's just punishing myself. If I didn't write anything, oh well. Who cares?

But then a little Feather passed by my nose, and it made me realize that I'm a voice. And people are listening! People are supporting me, and I ought to do the same for them. I care.

I don't want to be a voice that gets lost along the way. To start off as a strong, powerful wind, and then disappear amongst the leaves of a tree. I want to keep going.

I want to pick up where I left off, and I want to be happy. And skinny. And tiny, and I want to be an inspiration to anyone reading this. I don't want pity. I don't want to be a memory of someone who couldn't get anywhere.

What I'm trying to say is, I'm back. And I promise not to disappoint.

If there are any new blogs out there, please let me know so I can follow them! My dash is dead. And I want to be apart of your stories!

Let's do this thing together ladies!

Think thin!

♥,

Mint.

Lock me in a cupboard until I'm thin...

HI,

Let's not get into where I've been, what I weigh, or any of that. Let's just get into my new plan, lol fuck I'm so pathetic...

My old plan was a 550 calorie diet with one fast day per week.

I thought that was pretty good until I read my old diary entries. Omg, I was sooo stong!

what happened?


Anyway, I decided to change my diet to a 200 calorie one with a fast day once a week.

• Breakfast will probably be a reduced sugar, apple cinnamon oatmeal (110)
• Lunch will probably be a fat free yogurt (35), or a carrot (35) and fat-free dip (25 per tbsp)
• Supper will be a salad made up of a cup of iceberg lettuce (8), 1 tomato (22), maybe 3 slices of cucumber (basically non-existent), and a tbsp of calorie-wise italian dressing (5)

That averages out to be about 192.5 calories per day. Plus, with my weekly day of grace (fast day), I should be good even if the days I have carrots goes a little over my limit.

I have to remember though, that I do not want to eat. I'm only eating if I have to.

So, if my mom's not here, no breakfast, no lunch. I'll probably always have to eat supper because people at my work are already monitoring what I eat. And if I'm not at work, I'll be at home, with my mom.

For fast days, I don't have to eat supper when I'm at home. My mom knows I'm fasting once a week because this Indian diet book recommends it for me (apparently I'm a Pitta lol). But, when I'm at work, I'll have to have at least a cup of diluted soup (25 calories if I get the right soup).

Anyway, that's my plan for now. Someone please keep me motivated!


For the next little bit, I'm not going to follow my plan exactly. I mean I'll still stick with the 200 calorie limit, but because of all the food in the fridge I'll just eat different foods until the fridge is empty again... or secretly throw away food when my mom's not around...

Either way, 200 calorie limit. One fast day a week. No food when no one's around.

Strength, and control.


♥,

Mint.