HATE

Hello~!

Don't worry, I'm still here! It's just hard to post when I'm working, and super exhausted, and when I'm still as pathetic as ever... T_T

Food wise, I still suck, but this time I'll be good for sure. FOR SURE, FOR SURE. I'm going to get my diet pills this week. And I'm just sick of myself to an extreme.

I honestly don't know if they do anything or not, but they motivate me, and I will pay whatever price as long as I lose this weight. And right now, I don't even care that the pills make my heart jump and flutter every so often, and that taking them when my heart is already acting all weird and jumpy probably isn't the best idea. But whatever, just fuck it.

This post is going to be more about how much I fucking hateeee myself, and how depressing and annoying I am. So much fun.

I live in a world of contrasts.


I want friends, but push them away. I want so badly to be thin, but don't care when there's any food in front of me. I want to go out and have fun, but I just want to be alone. I want to enjoy life, I want to be dead.

Ugh, I don't even know what to say here... I'm just so pathetic! I complain how my friends aren't real friends because they never talk to me or want to hang out, and then when they DO want to do anything, I have the nerve to just ignore their texts and phone calls.

I'm such a pathetic bitch! Why can't I just go and have fun with my friends?

Oh right, because I can't fit any of my clothes, because I feel so self-conscious, because I hate myself so much that it gets pushed onto those around me.

Oh, and another reason why I'm so pathetic: I was supposed to be at a funeral right now for someone my mom and I knew fairly well. Am I there now? Nope. How come? Because I just can't do it. I have no sympathy, and I just don't care about anything or anyone other than the fact that I'm fat and can't show my face anywhere.

I hide from everything! I just stay in my room, and wish I was dead.

My god, I need skinny. I need skinny now. When I was thin everything was better. Life was still life and sucked, but at least I felt a little more comfortable in my own skin. At least I could leave the house knowing that it was my head saying I was fat, that the fat wasn't a reality.

Now I'm just living a nightmare. 


I need to wake up...
Think thin, and whatever you do, don't let the fat take over.
♥,
Mint.