The Scale.

Hello,

I had 180 cal today! A fruit cup (90 cal) and a cup of soup (90 cal).

I should have lost weight right? APPARENTLY NOT ACCORDING TO THE SCALE.

I hate that fucking thing. It's never wrong... But at the same time, it's my best friend. I can't live without my scale, even if sometimes I make our relationship tense. I love it.

However, according to my friend here, I've put on about a pound from this morning... this is impossible!!

By the way, you've probably already figured out that my "current weight" shown in the sidebar isn't... up to date let's say haha. That's how disgusting I am, sorry.

Anyway, tomorrow I plan on fasting. It depends how I feel. If I do decide not to fast, it'll be another under 200 cal day.

Good news: It feels like my mind is separating from my body more and more each day! When I look at my fat, and remember what a failure I am, I can't help but snarl and think "how pathetic".

Bad news: My snarl usually turns from emotion to action pretty quickly so I'm currently covered with bruises from punches and fingernails being dug into my fat, and scratches from my new favourite tool, the scissors!

Oh well, maybe this will teach me a lesson about not being so pathetic; about being so worthless.

FUCKING DISAPPEAR BITCH.

Thin or Bust!

♥, Mint.

and she creeps out once the moon is high...

FUCKING BLEED YOU WHORE.

Weak, fat, whore.

You want to be skinny?

yeah.

Skinnier than her?

yeah.

Skinnier than anyone?

YEAH.

Then don't fucking eat.

Drink your fucking eight glasses, you fat bitch.

lazy slob.

Good Day Was Good.

Helloooo,

240 cal todaaaaaay.

I had a bowl of soup (90 cal), and some graham cracker cookies (the were in the shape of Winnie the Pooh characters, so cute...)

I went to Wal-Mart with my friend today. Bought yogurt, salad dressing (no more fatty caff shit!), oatmeal (110 per packet), crystal light, and cup-a-soup packets (50 cal per packet).

I also needed more diet pills... It was awkward lol let's call my friend, Ami.

ME: Kay Ami, I need to buy something and you can't judge me for it okay?

AMI: Haha okay...

*I move the cart to the diet pill isle. My normal pills (Slimquick- regular) aren't there. I have a mini spazz attack because that's just what happens when things go as planned... but I eventually just pick up the caffeine free version of my regular pills. In the mean-time Ami is looking very uncomfortable and unhappy.*

Later...

AMI: I hate weight-loss products...

ME: You mean the effects, or the actual idea of them?

AMI: Them in general. They're not good...

ME (not wanting to get in this argument): Well I like them because they make me awake and stops my stomach growling so much in class... Plus these are just for women, and are green tea filled and healthy, *BLAHBLAHBLAH CHANGES SUBJECT*

No one's ever said anything bad about me buying diet pills before. It was weird, and I hated how awkward she made it... She wouldn't understand why I actually use them. And why I need them.

Later she was talking about how people who starve themselves are so judgemental and vain. She's obviously not met anyone with a real ED before... I wanted to tell her why people really starve themselves and that they really don't care about other people's weight, and even weight in general.

I wanted to set her straight! But... That would probably beeeeee, bad. lol.

Anyway, today was pretty good.

Hope yours was/is/will be good too!

♥, Mint.

Today, was GOOD.

Hello!

Today was good!

What makes it good? Under 200 calories! :)

now pat me on the head, say i'm a good little girl, and love me.

I had a sushi roll. I wanted to have soup 90 calories but my friend wanted to have supper and the sushi place on campus was the only thing open.

But it's still a good day :)

This is the start of something new? ♪

I HOPE SO.

I'm sick of looking like a fat tiger, always in pain. And I'm tired of being afraid to shower, afraid to weigh myself, afraid to catch a glimpse of myself in a window.

I'm tired of the pain, and feeling like being too much.

I need to be smaller and smaller still.

I'VE GOT MY HEAD IN THE GAME! ♪

What's with all the HSM references?

I don't know...

Think thin beauties!

♥♥♥ (extra love!), Mint.

that moment where you're too scared to take a shower...

Throw me to the monsters.

I want to scream

I want to die

I'm a failure

I'm pathetic

Leave me to my monsters.

I don't deserve sunlight

I don't deserve love

I'll be alone forever

No one to hear my worries

No one cares

Do you get that?

You're a no one.

Even if you go up to someone and say "I'm going to kill myself"

No one fucking cares.

No one listens.

Fucking die you waste of space.

You fucking whore.

You fucking whale.

You're so fucking fat.

Trying to get attention?

Trying to get affection?

Fucking pathetic.

Go fucking die.

You're nothing.

Fucking BE nothing.

Waste of space.

Fat fucking pig.

Go die.

GO FUCKING DIE YOU PIECE OF SHIT.

FUCKING FAILURE

FUCKING FAT FAILURE

PATHETIC.

WASTE

OF

FUCKING

SPACE

I'm sick of myself.

But I can't escape my weak fuckng body.

Fucking pathetic.

Piece of fucking fat shit.

DIE ALREADY.

let me die. let me die. let me die. let me die. let me die. let me die. let me die. let me die. let me die. let me die. let me die. let me die. let me die. let me die. let me die. let me die. let me die. let me die. let me die. let me die. let me die. let me die. let me die. let me die. let me die. let me die. let me die. let me die. let me die. let me die. let me die. let me die. let me die. let me die. let me die. let me die. let me die. let me die. let me die. let me die. let me die. let me die. let me die. let me die. let me die. let me die. let me die. let me die. let me die. let me die. let me die. let me die. let me die. let me die. let me die. let me die. let me die. let me die. let me die. let me die. let me die. let me die. let me die. let me die. let me die. let me die. let me die. let me die. let me die. let me die. let me die. let me die. let me die. let me die. let me die. let me die. let me die. let me die. let me die. let me die. let me die. let me die. let me die. let me die. let me die. let me die. let me die. let me die. let me die. let me die. let me die. let me die. let me die. let me die. let me die. let me die. let me die. let me die. let me die. let me die. let me die. let me die. let me die. let me die. let me die. let me die. let me die. let me die. let me die. let me die. let me die. let me die. let me die. let me die. let me die. let me die. let me die. let me die. let me die. let me die. let me die. let me die. let me die. let me die. let me die. let me die. let me die. let me die. let me die. let me die. let me die. let me die. let me die. let me die. let me die. let me die. let me die. let me die. let me die. let me die. let me die. let me die. let me die. let me die. let me die. let me die. let me die. let me die. let me die. let me die. let me die. let me die. let me die. let me die. let me die. let me die. let me die. let me die. let me die. let me die. let me die. let me die. let me die. let me die. let me die. let me die. let me die. let me die. let me die. let me die. let me die. let me die. let me die. let me die. let me die. let me die. let me die. let me die. let me die. let me die. let me die. let me die. let me die. let me die. let me die. let me die. let me die. let me die. let me die. let me die. let me die. let me die. let me die. let me die. let me die. let me die. let me die. let me die. let me die. let me die. let me die. let me die. let me die. let me die. let me die. let me die. let me die. let me die. let me die. let me die. let me die. let me die. let me die. let me die. let me die. let me die. let me die. let me die. let me die. let me die. let me die. let me die. let me die. let me die. let me die. let me die. let me die. let me die. let me die. let me die. let me die. let me die. let me die. let me die. let me die. let me die. let me die. let me die. let me die. let me die. let me die. let me die. let me die. let me die. let me die. let me die. let me die. let me die. let me die. let me die. let me die. let me die. let me die. let me die. let me die. let me die. let me die. let me die. let me die. let me die. let me die. let me die. let me die. let me die. let me die. let me die. let me die. let me die. let me die. let me die. let me die. let me die. let me die. let me die. let me die. let me die. let me die. let me die. let me die. let me die. let me die. let me die. let me die. let me die. let me die. let me die. let me die. let me die. let me die. let me die. let me die. let me die. let me die. let me die. let me die. let me die. let me die. let me die. let me die. let me die. let me die. let me die. let me die. let me die. let me die. let me die. let me die. let me die. let me die. let me die. let me die. let me die. let me die. let me die. let me die. let me die. let me die. let me die. let me die. let me die. let me die. let me die. let me die. let me die. let me die.

Remember me?

Hiiii,

Sorry I suck at posting...

It's just I have nothing to say really. I fail at life. How many times can I make a post about that, I mean seriously?

I'm fat, I have no control, I'm imperfect, I suck, I don't deserve life, I'm worthless... why can't I let myself disappear?

There's two demons in my head:

The one who makes me eat, because I'm "happy", and it's "normal"

And the one who knows that thin is true happiness.

Why can't I just tune the first one out? Others can do it. That's why people ARE SKINNY. If I had tuned that first voice out the moment I heard the second one, I would've been long gone by now.

I want to be good, I want to listen and to obey, but the fat ass voice just keeps getting in the way.

i don't want to be a failure...

no love today sorry, just Mint.

"it's just a dream... go awaaaaay, disappear..."

To-mo-mo.

HEY

YOU THERE!

YOU SITTING THERE FEELING BAD ABOUT HOW YOU'VE GONE OFF COURSE!

YEAH YOU FATTY!

Tomorrow, one little word, will be you saviour.

Tomorrow, you will commit 110% of your life to the devil who promises happiness.

After my 2nd psych midterm tomorrow, I. WILL. BE. BACK.

And whoever has lost their way, I command you to get back on this path with me and we will walk hand in hand to the finish line.

No more excuses, no more "just for todays", no more fucking excuses.

I'VE GOT THIS.

YOU'VE GOT THIS.

WE WILL SUCCEED!

be thin my lovelies ♪

♥ you LOTS! Mint.

Alone.

I'm alone.

Why?

Why am I carving the word fat into my thigh multiple times at 2:30 in the morning (with my pathetic little pin because I've never done any self-harm before)?

Probably for the same reason that I wrote all over my fat stomach in permanent ink this morning,

Because there's room to. I'm so fat, that I mind as well remind myself why I hate it.

When I change in the morning/night, I see how I hate myself, on my stomach.

Hopefully when I walk around tomorrow, I'll feel the sting of pain and remember why I'm buying yogurt and diet pills.

Maybe, just maybe, in a world of darkness, I can guide myself to the light.

♥, Mint.

The Plan Where I Actually Don't Fail.

"Your body's your temple, put something good into it."

Why the fuck have I been filling myself up with fat, carbs, and sugar? Is nothing sacred? Do I have no respect for myself?

Apparently so.

I've been giving into emotional cues. "WAH, I'm sad. Give me sugar to make me feel better." "YAY I DID GOOD. Give me fat as a reward!" "OMG I'M ANXIOUS. Give me carbs to relive the stress!"

I'm a fucking baby with no boundaries. Well I'm taking a stand, no more baby. Only foods of purity will pass these lips. I'll be aware that it's nourishment, not companionship. I'll be conscious of my decisions. I will be in control.

Ana is pure, clean, innocent. She's everything that's right in this world. So here it is, the food plan of the gods:

• breakfast- yogurt pot, 35 cal
• lunch- small apple, or some carrots with NO dip, 50 cal
• supper- salad with low-fat or vinegar dressing and hard boiled egg (ON OCCASION), or roll of sushi, 136-165
• snack- idk something small LOL (optional), 50 cal at MOST.

That's exactly 300 calories if I have the max. dinner allowance and the optional snack. I didn't even plan that! :)

Sunday's I want to make my fast day, kinda clean out the system you know? Good way to start the week.

"Your body is you temple..."

I need to remember that cookies are terribly dangerous, they have lots of chocolate PUS added carbs, sugar, and fat, from the cookie part.

I need to remember that bread is the devil, it just balls up in your stomach and makes you slow and sluggish, same with pasta.

I need to remember that no, m&ms aren't necessary for studying, even if they are a "university student staple".

Food is necessary so that I don't yo-yo back and forth between fat and obese.

I need to be conscious while eating.

I'm excited :) a new diet plan with actual food! And it's within my ideal calorie budget!

Let's hope it works.

Think thin you lovely sunshines! ♪

♥, Mint.

FUCKING HELL.

THAT'S WHAT I BASICALLY LOOK LIKE, PROBABLY WORSE.

I'M PATHETIC

I'M GREEDY

I'M FAAAAAAT.

I was doing SO FUCKING WELL.

WTF HAPPENED?

I lost inspiration, THAT'S what happened.

Food's an addiction. A demon, that needs to be killed.

Comments saying to have just a "little bit" floated in my head.

"Yeah, just a little bit, I'll be fine with that..." HA. NOPE. I'm a fucking monster on a rampage.

Cookie monster binge.

I lost face, and I'm sorry. I just can't handle a little bit :(

I'm sorry I'm so fucking pathetic, like a child who doesn't know when to stop. I'm sorry.

I need the voice to be yelling at me 24/7, to remind me how disgusting I am ALL the time. I need someone RIGHT by my side, someone to mirror, someone to encourage just the same.

Ugh, I need to be thin.

I need to be thin. I need to be thin. I need to be thin.

thinnnnnnnnn.

Such a beautiful word.

Think thin. xoxo

♥, Mint.

Tic Tok.

Helloo~

Still not feeling very motivated to do anything really.

I miss my mom, a 3 day Thanksgiving break isn't long enough, it's like a teaser. :(

I've decided that since "the incident" probably kick-started my metabolism I mind as well keep it, instead of shocking my system with a week long fast, which would lead to another, binge. :/

So I'm eating "normally" this week, getting my diet pills and yogurt on the weekend and then we'll go from there I suppose.

Today I had:

• super teeny apple from my Grannie
• some fruit juice
• carrots and low-cal ranch dip

Not good, but better than it has been.

Think thin.

♥, Mint.

sorry.

I'm back.

I'm not going to say what happened, we all know what happened...

Not weighing myself until November 1st, 4 weeks tomorrow.

Fasting for a week and then going to try to "eat normally" (300 cal or less)

I'm also going to buy my diet pills this weekend, I don't care if they're expensive, they fucking work.

Hope you're all doing better than myself...

♥, Mint.