SO THAT'S WHAT A COFFEE DATE IS...

So the coffee date went from noon to about 9 in the morning…

We went and had coffee, went for a drive, walked his dog, tried to play video games, decided to get drunk, got wasted, watched comedy, went to mcdicks, came back, watched hockey, and I decided I wanted to pass out at like 9 at night.

He obviously did not want to pass out because almost as soon as we got into his bed, we were making out.

I told him he didn't want me. I said that I have no experience, and that he might end up living with Dill  and I so it could get awkward fast. But he just said that he didn't care, but we didn't have to do anything if I didn't want to.

Obviously though I was already in the situation so I continued making out with the guy. And then my top was off, and then his was and there was like this dry humping thing going on for awhile lmao

It's so weird because this dude just doesn't turn me on at all.

He's sweet as hell. He nice, and interesting, and fun to talk to… I'm just legit not attracted to him.

I ended up staying the night and he had his arms wrapped around me the whole time, and would like kiss my shoulders and stuff all nice like.

I think I only slept for like two hours, and he was on and off he whole night.

Once morning came he wanted to make me coffee in bed but I guess his place had neither sugar nor sweetener so we ended up getting coffee from a Starbucks that was nearby.

He drove me home and kissed me goodbye and that was my first sober kiss and it was so awkward feeling lol ugh.

I wish I liked this guy, I really do. Fuck.

And now I'm all depressed because two of my friends ditched me so far, and I don't want to be here. I want to be at home or driving or anywhere but here.

The roads are still crap though… :/ And I hate everything.

- Mint.

T time.

Alright, so T.

First of all, he's not my type. He's blonde, and a hockey player. Not my type at all. At ALLL. I hateeeee blonde guys. And he likes country so there's that too.

BUT, Saturday night, when I met him. It was legit like just me and him the entire night. Talking about everything.

I have no idea what we were talking about, but we were!

And he's really nice, but not super soft and non-manly, you know?

Anyway, on Saturday he was talking to us about how you can get this app where you can get tonssss of free books if you use this code.

I was drunk, AND SNEAKY, because I was like, "Why don't you just text me this code? Because I'm not going to remember it." so I got his number and he got mine. Good job Mint, good job.

This night was interesting too because any other guy that I've had "wonderful connections" with lately, while drunk, have all just wanted to make out and have sex, and then I never hear from them again. But with T, he was just, really perfectly gentlemanly (like he bought me drinks, and paid for our cab, helped me with driving like I mentioned in the last post) AND in the morning our conversations were just as good!

And again, like I mentioned in the last post, he bought me a lighter because I left mine at Dill's and offered to give me one of his gatorades which is sweet as hell I think.

Later on before I went to work I texted him and asked whether or not it would be stupid to drive home with the weather being all bad and snowy because he just came from Alberta and knows the roads like I do.

He said that I probably shouldn't go because it'd be dangerous, "I'd like to see you again so take the bus!" he even said that if he heads back there sometime soon, he could drive me so that I don't even have to worry about the weather.

Like what the fuck, I've known him for a day and our conversations are just so casual.

Anyway, we've been texting non-stop like ever since.

Last night I went and saw a movie with Dill and he called her before the movie started to say that he accidentally left his keys at her place and was asking if he could go pick them up sometime tomorrow. But I was like, "I have to drive you back to your place after this Dill, why don't I just bring him his keys? He lives on the way to my place!"

Soooo I brought him his keys. He ran out to my car to get them and he actually stayed for awhile to talk. Asked me about the movie, asked what I was up to this week, mentioned that we should get lunch sometime soon.

AHHHH. It's scary because A) it's so casual right, just coffee, not a big deal at all, so I can't be like, "OH I HAVE A BOYFRIEND" "OH I'M NOT REALLY INTO YOU LIKE THAT" because it is so casual. B) I've never gone on any date like thing EVER. C) What if I run out of things to say? D) What if I make a fool of myself? E) What if he's boringgggg?

I was like whatever, WHATEVER, doesn't matter. We didn't set a day, it probably won't even happen.

Today when I first woke up I was telling him how tired I was and that leaving my bed to go make coffee is suchhhh hard work, and he was like, "I can bring you some coffee if you'd like!" obviously I lied and said that I already had my cup brewing, but thanks anyway.

Then he was like, "Ah, well maybe we could go out for coffee tonight or tomorrow! Have you ever had a London fog at this coffee shop?"

I told him that tomorrow would work better than tonight because I was watching the bachelor tonight (LUL) and that I didn't like London fogs but I lovedddd that shop's mint mochas. AND HE REPLIED WITH, "I'll get you a mint mocha tomorrow then! :) "

I'M NOT USED TO PEOPLE BUYING ME THINGS THIS IS SO FUCKING WEIRD. AND LIKE, ACTUALLY SEALING A DATE WITH ME TOO LIKE WHO DOES THIS GUY THINK HE IS. THAT DOESN'T HAPPEN. I DON'T LET THIS SHIT HAPPEN.

I was totally writing him off this afternoon though. I was like, "He's into hockey. He's too persistent. There must be something up with all this. He must be really lame or want something, or I don't know. I'm not interested."

But, then we kept talking tonight and I learnt so much about him omg. He loves old films, and he likes all sorts of music INCLUDING: jazz like OLD jazz. And like, FRANK SINATRA. He wants to go to school to be a psychologist to help children with depression or go for a trade to make lots of money and to work with his hands. He's not sure yet, "I'm just lost right now". He had a friend in high school who committed suicide and that triggered some pretty bad depression for himself, but he got through it he says. He buys meals for the homeless sometimes. HE LOVES OREGON. He loves to read, mostly biographies and like PLATO AND ARISTOTLE. He plays the drums and guitar and ahhhhhhhh he's interesting. Like, actually really, fucking, interesting.

Which is odd. Because I'm usually the interesting one. Like, he thinks I'm interesting too, but… I usually don't think the guys that call me interesting are all that interesting.

So now… I don't fucking know man. He doesn't look amazing, he's like exactly my height… THESE THINGS ARE IMPORTANT TO ME.

Oh well, I guess I'll just have to try it out right? I guess that's why it's a fucking coffee date lmao to try this shit out.

It's so fucked though. This situation is fucked. I don't like it.

I'll never be able to have a boyfriend lol this is already much too stressful.

- Mint.

Last night was interestingggg.

I didn't end up going home because there's like a terrible BLIZZARD STORM THING. But anyway, let's talk about last night.

I was supposed to go to Dill's place just for a drink, she was bored and lonely in her house so I was like FINEEE, I'll come chill.

When I finally said I would she was like, "Oh good! My two guy friends are probably coming too so that'll be sweet!"

If you're hanging out with Dill on a Saturday night, you should always be prepared to go out, because you're most likely going out even when the plan is to definitely not go out.

So I get there, and it's just me and her for a bit. I make my drink and we go for a smoke. By the time we finished, her guy friend came over. Let's call him T. T was supposed to bring his guy friend but I just guess no dice, but whatever, I wasn't going out anyway! Right?

I end up just drinking almost my entire 2/6 of vodka. And T is great to talk to. Like, really great. We just talked the entire night. I have no idea what Dill was doing lol

So we all get good and drunk and decide that we want drugs. And that we want to go out.

So T drives us to his buddy's place so that he can pickup, and then we go to T's place to do lines.

I honestly have no idea how long we stayed at T's house. We did lines pretty fast, but then we all just sat on his bed for awhile there talking. We talked about deep shit too, like sad, deep shit. I can't remember what we were talking about specifically but I just remember that it was deep, and fucking sad LOL

Anyway, so we FINALLYYYY went out. We just went to this pub because we didn't want to wait in any lines and because the cool club we like wasn't open this Saturday. ALSO, because we were meeting Dill's sister's boyfriend there of some fucking up reason. He's fucked. It was fucked.

I think I forgot my id or something though because for some reason T just told me to pretend to be his girlfriend. So I'm thinking that I didn't have my id so if I just walked in with T, they wouldn't bother checking my id too. So yeah, that's what I'm thinking happened there.

BUT INSIDE WHENEVER WE WERE WALKING THROUGH THE CROWD, HE HELD MY HAND AND I LIKE HAND HOLDING SO THAT'S COOOOL LOL

Also he bought me drinks which is even bettah!!

After awhile, we all decided to go back to Dill's place. But the sister's boyfriend decided that he was coming with us. Which none of us were wanting. Dill couldn't just tell him to buzz off though so he ended up coming back with us.

Things get odd here, and let me just say for the record, I've never had a more patchy night than this one lolol

Okay. So we're all at Dill's now. This dude is saying how he wants to go into the hot tub, I think? I don't know. He's just doing his own thing. Dill starts talking about how she's craving this, no she's craving that, no she needs advil because her finger is hurting (her and her sister got into a fist fight the night before, hence why it's weird that we were now hanging out with her boyfriend).

Anyway, Dill's talking about all of this, and obviously stressed as fuck because that dude is there so I say, "HEY! T and I will go to set and get you whatever you want! We'll get you whatever!"

T's all on board like, "Yeah, yeah! What can we get for you Dill? What do you need?"

Dill says that she's fine, but we decide that we still want to go for a little drive and she actually let's us go.

This makes no sense though lol we basically just drove around the block. Why the hell did we even do that? We got to sev and Dill phoned us asking to come back so we did, but for some reason I drove the wrong way and turned myself all around. T was telling me which way to go but it was confusing me so I made him take the wheel and I just did the pedals and that's pretty cute lol two drunk fucks driving around at two in the morning.

So we get back and Dill's saying that she wants this dude gone but she can't tell him because she thinks he'll hate her or something. I don't fucking know. So I said that I'd be the one to tell him, but we couldn't even find the guy. I HAVE NOOOO IDEA WHERE HE WAS. Legit, I looked in every room, he wasn't there.

As I was coming back downstairs, he appeared out of like no where in he boxers saying that we should go in the hot tub.

And then I'm just at the top of the stairs like, "You gotta go man."

Well he was pisseddddddd, "The fuck is this bitch saying?"

"Dude you've got to go home. You're not staying here tonight."

He laughs, "Uhhh, I'm staying here. I'VE KNOWN THIS FAMILY FOR YEARSSSS, WAY LONGER THAN YOU."

"Alright, but I'm here with Dylan tonight, who the fuck are you here with? You're just here, and you need not to be, right now."

I can't remember the actual dialogue but we were, YELLING. I eventually almost walked off at one point just because I was fuming so bad.

He was pissed too though. He was swearing at me and calling me all of these names. He wanted to beat someone up so bad. I think T was trying to defend me at one point, and this dude legit almost attacked him.

I think he went to grab T and Dill pulled this guy away but he pushed her over and she fell and was crying on the floor. That stopped stuff fast.

I ran and sat next to Dill on the floor, and T sat with us. I was saying sorry to her and rubbing her back and just trying to make stuff better. This guy FINALLY decided that he was going to leave and got all his shit while muttering about what a fucking bitch I am under his breath.

He left, Dill and I went for a smoke, I gave her a reallll good fucking hug that she asked for and then it was 4:30 so we decided to go to sleep because I worked the next day at 11:30!

I ended up driving T home this morning because he needed one and because it was actually on the way.

We stopped at set first though because I forgot my lighter, and because he needed gatorade. He bought the lighter for me AND he gave me one of gatorades but I gave it back because I feel bad when people do things for me. So I just took a few sips of his.

Even sober, he's like SO easy to talk to, we clicked and we could talk all day everyday I'm thinking! I'll finish the T talk tomorrow though, I'm so tired, SLEEEEP!

- Mint.

Fuck part three.

Kk so part 3 was about how I got in a car crash and my car had to get towed and the airbags went off so my car's a write-off now and I don't want to give it up because Betty-Loo's my baybaaaaaaay.

I was going to write in depth about it but I don't want to. I'm sick of trying to catch the past up to the present.

Because I want to talk about now.

I'm not in the best place right now.

I'm not cutting, I'm not fasting; I'm just feeling empty and anxious and scared and like I've ruined everything.

I wish I could start my whole life over, and do everything completely different. Opposite.

I've wasted so much time, so much money. I'm going down all the wrong paths and I'm trapping myself in my own walls.

Every time I feel that I can climb over them, smash through them, I take one step forward and just keep building higher. I don't get it.

I'm going home tomorrow for a few days. Even though I shouldn't because there's a huge snow storm, and because I have no money, and because my car's going to break down at any fucking minute…

I just have to go. My mind's chaotic again and all I can focus on is running.

I need to go home to see my mom, and my dog, and to finally have a good sleep in my bed, and to get my camera, and to get my passport so I can go to Oregon, and because I want to get meds.

Yes, I've come to this point. I've given up, and I need medication.

Cutting doesn't help, fasting doesn't help, drinking doesn't help, running doesn't help, drugs don't help.

A negative plus a negative doesn't help you towards positivity. And I'm sick of being scared of every goddamn thing. I'm sick of not being able to move forward. I just want to be able to do things, you know? I'd like to be able to sleep without nerves keeping me awake. I'd like to be comfortable going slow, I'd like to stop fucking running…

Hopefully it works. Hopefully this cures my fucked up head.

I'm not in a good place right now.

- Mint.