I'm bored.

I am so fucking bored and lonely.

Everyone's busy with their own lives or are just boring and want to do nothing and I'm going insaneeeeeee

I'm trying to find a fucking job so hopefully I can make friends who have friends and then I can steal their friends too. I need to meet people. I shouldn't be this isolated and bored this "young" in my life. You know?

Sidenote: I hate you BB. I know I've been working on slowly phasing you out but I seriously hope this is the last time I block you. I hope I don't get weak and unblock you again for some stupid lonely reason. Because you're boring and a downer and are stupid and you don't give a fuck about anyone and you're a lying piece of shit.

UGH.

XIII

The Death card shows Death himself riding on a white horse, holding a black and white flag. Death is portrayed as a skeleton as the skeletal bones are the part of the body that survives death. The armour he is wearing indicates that he is invincible and unconquerable. Indeed, no-one has yet triumphed over death. The horse that Death rides is white, the colour of purity. Death is therefore the ultimate purifier. All things are reborn fresh, new and pure. Notice even the bishop paying homage to him. All sectors of the human race are represented here – men, women and children – showing that Death does not discern between age, race or gender. 

The banner that Death carries has a black background, indicating an absence of light. The white rose, on the other hand, indicates beauty, purification and immortality. In the background of the card, there is a rising sun, a sign of immortality. The sun appears to ‘die’ each night but is reborn fresh and new every morning. The two pillars are guarding the gateway to the sun, symbolising the knowledge needed to gain immortality. The boat on the water in the background is the ferry that transports the souls across the River Styx. The background is a neutral grey, again showing Death’s impartiality. The card's number is 13, sacred to the Goddess as there are thirteen moons in a year.  

Death is symbolic of the ending of a major phase or aspect of your life that may bring about the beginning of something far more valuable and important. You must close one door in order to open another. You need to put the past behind you and part ways, ready to embrace new opportunities and possibilities. It may be difficult to let go of the past at times but you will soon see how important it is so that you can bring renewal and transformation into your life. If you resist these necessary endings, you may experience pain, both emotionally and physically but if you exercise your creative imagination and visualize a new possibility, you allow more constructive patterns to emerge. 

Similarly, Death indicates a time of significant transformation, change and transition. You need to profoundly transform yourself and clear away any of the old in order to bring in the new. Any change at this time should be welcomed as a positive, cleansing, transformative force in your life. The death and clearing away of limiting factors can open the door to a wider, more satisfying experience of life. 

The Death card contains elements of a sudden and unexpected change. You may feel as though you are caught in the path of sweeping change and cannot escape its effects. Though the immediate thought is toward the negative, an end need not mean failure. The loss could be a series of unexpected surprises that bring an end to a period of turmoil or problems. You feel you can no longer go along with the status quo and want things to change radically. Many changes are going to take place to enable a new direction to emerge. 

Finally, Death is an indication that you need to learn to let go of unhealthy attachments in your life to pave the way to a fuller, more fulfilled life of deeper meaning and significance. Death teaches you to let go of outworn and outgrown ways of life and move forward. This is a perfect card to use to break a bad habit or pattern of behaviour. This is a time of eliminating excess and cutting out what is not necessary in your life. This may be a good time to purge old belongings, memories and ‘baggage’ that is getting in your way. 

I've been told that 2017 is going to be a big year for me. By the palmist, the psychic I saw, the card readings I've done myself, and with other signs leading me to where I am today.

If you add up the individual numbers for 2017, it ends up as a 1, meaning that this year is the beginning of a new cycle, a new chapter. That's why there were so many loose ends being tied up in 2016, because it adds up to 9, the end of a chapter.

The new year began with a NEW MOON.

And the first 13th of the year landed on a Friday, and weirdly enough, on the 13th, the moon was in leo. So I mean c'mon, the universe is just screaming at me by this point.

If you have read my blog for a long time, you might recall that I was born on a Friday the 13th. August 13, 1993.

Apparently August 13th is the day the Virgin Mary was taken back to heaven? And then was resurrected on the 15th, which is when they celebrate her assumption? I don't know, I googled the meaning behind 13 and that popped up. Also, the Mayan calendar started on August 13th apparently.

13 is a number that represents femininity because I guess there are 13 gates into a woman's body, and because there are 13 moons a calendar year (the goddess of the moon is the goddess of femininity since a full cycle of the moon is 28 days as with a woman's menstrual cycle).

Oh also, Friday is the day of Venus, who is a huge symbol of feminine strength.

13 also points to Mother Mary=femininity since M is the 13th letter of the alphabet. M is also the letter my name starts with.

Know what else is a symbol of femininity? Spiders. Know what follows me/is on my spirit totem pole? A spider.

Know what's another powerful symbol of femininity? The ocean, which is controlled by the moon.

August's full moon is called the sturgeon moon (aka a FISH= water element) and is also a feminine moon.

Wanna know what my name means? Dweller of the sea.
Wanna know where I was born? A town at the edge of the sea.
Wanna know what the town's name means? Land between two waters. It literally has the word SEA in the name.

This is a little write-up on my name:

Dark and mysterious with stunningly good looks. A darkangel. Highly creative in music and art. Siren voice that could seduce or destroy. The leader of the pack without assuming so, likes to stay in the background, but everyone knows who to ask for direction and ideas. Always conflicted within the light and the dark, walking the line between the two as easy as a tightrope walker.

Wanna know what else has a siren voice? A FUCKING MERMAID. WANNA KNOW SOME ORIGINS OF MY NAME? IT'S A FUCKING WELSH WATER-SPIRIT AKA MERMAID.

KNOW WHAT ELSE WALKS BETWEEN LIGHT AND DARK? DEATH. DEATH'S NUMBER IS THIR-FUCKING-TEEN.

The glyph that represents both the beginning and ending of the Aztec calendar is called the "13 cane", symbolizing the death of one's cycle, with the rebirth of another. The Alpha and Omega at the same time. Also, the 13 rune (called the Eiwaz) is also the balance point between light and dark; creative force and destructive forth; the heavens and the underworld. It represents death but also signifies eternal life. It's a circle.

My name is a compound Old Welsh name made up of the elements meaning sea, bright and circle.
I was born in the eighth month of the year. 8 is a symbol of infinity, aka a circle.
8 divided by 2 is 4 and numerology-wise: 13=1+3=4.

Let's dive deeper into my name here.

My name is based around The Mists of Avalon; derived from "Morgan le Fay" AKA the lady of the lake.
"The lady of the lake" has 13 letters.
She is an enchantress who's also King Arthur's half-sister.
There are 12 knights of the round table PLUS King Arthur= 13.

In Norse mythology, 13 is a symbol of the goddess Freya and her day is Friday. This is especially weird because Freya is what BB wanted to name our child if we had a girl.
ALSO because his birthday is on the 4th and 1+3=4. Also because August=8 which is 4 multiplied twice. And lastly his favourite number is 4 and his favourite animal is a lion and I'm a leo. And 1+9+9+3=22 and since in numerology you add each digit until you get a singular number, 2+2= 4.

In ancient mythology, 13 represents the GREAT MOTHER GODDESS. AKA A GODDESS OF FEMININITY. Also, 13 is how many people typically are in a coven, there are 13 principles of Wiccan belief, 13 witches at the Salem witch trials. I mention that because, HMMM who is this "great mother goddess"?

Speaking of witch, there's this book called The Witch? It's by B. Gregory Lewis. It's got a lot of 13s:

13 characters
13 chapters
13 letters – one to begin each chapter
13 letter theme word
Start of chapter one: page 13 (in the first edition)
ISBN bar code of 13 digits: 978-0-9809201-0-9
Dewey decimal number assigned: 813,6
The original first edition books were wrapped in paper and sealed with a wax “W”, upside down it is “M” the 13th letter of the alphabet
Author pen name on the cover: 13 letters

So which witch is THE Witch? Reading about stuff got me kinda of confused but long story short, it's the Roman form of the Greek goddess Artemis (who is the goddess of the moon, sister of Apollo), Diana.

Did I mention that when it comes to yin and yang, the moon, and femininity is yin. Wanna know which hand is yin? It's the left one. Wanna know which hand I write with? The left one.

BUT I DIGRESS.

Diana is the combined form of the Hecate (?) which is associated with witchcraft, light, magic, ghosts, etc. The Hecate is known as the "Great Mother Goddess" and rules over the earth, sea, and sky. The Hecate was the goddess of the moon with 3 different forms: Selene (the moon in heaven), Artemis (the huntress on Earth), and Persephone (the destroyer in the underworld).

So basically, Diana is Artemis and Artemis is the part of the Hecate on Earth. Make sense?

Diana comes from "dium" meaning sky, bright sky, and daylight. She is known as the giver of light and life. I'll take this moment to remind you of the fact that one of the elements that make up my name is "bright", and also the fact that I'm a leo which is the ONLY sign ruled by the sun, and even further still: since the sun dominates leo, it's the fire sign that holds the element of illumination as opposed to power (Aries-Mars) or growth (Sagittarius-Jupiter). It is said that out of herself, Diana divided the darkness and the light.

"Always conflicted within the light and the dark, walking the line between the two as easy as a tightrope walker."

Also, the Romanian word for "fairy" (P.S Morgan le Fay, le fay mean fairy), Portuguese word for "water nymph"(morgens are Welsh water spirits), and Spanish word for "morning" all come from the name Diana.

She is the goddess of virginity (UM HELLO MOTHER MARY).

Diana apparently wears a crescent moon medallion (which I think is a weird coincidence cause I wear one of those under my shirt almost every single day and have for almost a year now) and is worshipped on AUGUST 13TH.

Her sanctuary is at the lake of Nemi (HELLO OUR LADY OF THE LAKE AKA MARY AGAIN, and also hello, Morgan le Fay aka the lady of THE FUCKING LAKE). The lady of the lake sometimes is called Vivienne and is known as a "corrupt form of Diana". 

Diana is known as the queen of witches (meaning wise women healers). Morgan le Fay is famously known as a healer, witch, and shapeshifter. The term fata morgana (Morgan le Fay in Italian), refers to a mirage that appears while out at sea. It is sometimes thought as magic cast to appear as land to lure sailors to their deaths (*cough*mermaids*cough*).

So if the Hecate is a triple goddess that combines as Diana, and Diana is the lady of the lake. And Vivienne is the lady of the lake but also a corrupt version of Diana. It would make sense that Morgan le Fay is Vivienne who is Diana who is the combined version of the Hecate BECAUSE SHE'S A SHAPESHIFTER.

Also because it is said that 3 queens escort Arthur to Avalon. This could be Morgan le Fay split into her triple-goddess form.

Morrigan is another form of Morgan le Fay and is a triple-goddess of Irish mythology; she is known as the "Phantom Queen" or "Great Queen". She's associated with fate, and the circle of life; birth as well as death. She is a water goddess who rules over rivers and lakes. She is the goddess of death and DEATH IS THE NUMBER 13 IN TAROT AND I HAVE COMPLETED THIS ENORMOUS CIRCLE.

I BID YOU GOOD DAY.

The Best Day Ever.

Today was literally bliss.

I had the best fucking day ever.

Yesterday rocked too so let's start there.

I managed to do everything that was on my list of scary shit!! I went for a walk around the block yesterday on my own (today too actually!), I phoned the tattoo place and the art teacher, and I went to meditation!

Meditation was weird because I thought it would be a guided meditation where they walk you through your mind, but this wasn't guided. The dude spent 5-minutes going through a relaxation exercise (stuff like, "Feel the energy from the earth flow into the base of your feet- they are now relaxed. Feel that energy flow into your calf muscles- relaxed.") and then told us to start meditating LOL THAT'S IT.

My head is without thought naturally, so thinking about nothing isn't a beneficial form of meditation for me. Instead, I spent the hour walking through this forest that I created in my mind during the two times I've done a guided meditation at home. It was weird to walk through that forest without being told where to go so it took a little bit to get into it. Because you're not supposed to consciously think; you're meditating. You have to allow your mind to bring you where it wants to go.

The wind led me to the top of this tree that over looked the ocean, so I just chilled there. It was nighttime, and the only thing in the sky was the full moon. I listened to the waves crash at the shore, and it was so peaceful and I was so happy.

I sung the bridge of "Honeymoon" by Lana Del Rey to the moon and it made me feel full. I even got a little teary IRL lol it's because I realized that I have the ability to make myself happy; I can be at peace on my own, and that I don't need anyone to complete me; I'm already whole.

So yeah, meditation for me was good! ♥︎

After that my mom and I went to the art gallery because I saw it there and it turns out admission is free on Thursdays! It was really enjoyable and a perfect way to end the evening!

Now on to today!!!

Based on the title, it was "The Best Day Ever". Mostly because I felt like it was an extension of yesterday. 'Cause if I think about it, not much happened lol I got the tattoo, had a drink at the pub attached to the bowling alley (hey B guess what! That one dude's dad still owns it because I saw him there. That bald but not ugly old bartender dude lolol), and watched La La Land.

But whatever! It was awesome!

The dude that did my tattoo was super sweet and super hot and talked to me waaaay more than the girl he was with before me LOL he had these big blue-green plugs and a hot beard and tattoos and a skater beanie and UGH, I fell in love a little bit.

I'll do another post tomorrow or something as to why this tattoo was so important to me and why I needed to get it done TODAY. I'd include it here but fuck, this post would be just WAY too long.

Next is La La Land.

Fuck.

I have NEVER in my ENTIRE LIFE felt so much. Like SO much emotion. It was insane.

The reason I told my mom that we had to watch this movie was because I've got this friend named K, who works in the film industry (he's actually working on this TV show that's actually being aired right now- isn't that crazy?) and him and I appreciate the same shit. Like lighting, and cinematography, and all the little details; THEY ARE VERY IMPORTANT.

He watched this movie last week and he said that it made him CRY. Not because it was sad, but because it was just SO amazing. So obviously I forced my mom into going with me.

The way they made use of silence and shadow was so good. The way they captured the LA lighting at every time of day, every part of the year, was PERFECT. The acting was HOLY SHIT AMAZE. The music was beautiful. The sets were gorgeous. The camera work was more than clever.

Like, every single frame in this film was put together SO cautiously, and with SO much tenderness. But it was so unapologetic at the same time. Does that make sense?

From start to finish I was in love. It was LA! It was the dreamer's LA, every aspect of it.

It was art. And it's rare to get something with this much thought/effort/emotion put into mainstream media; sometimes it's risky because not everyone will appreciate it.

People in the theatre actually clapped when it was finished. I was speechless and couldn't move because of all the emotion it gave me.

I didn't even know what I was feeling! It was just everything to a point of excess!

Fuck. It was so good.

I'm exhausted from appreciating something so fully lol

If you have some money, go watch it. It needs to be watched in a theatre. And if you have a loved one, please bring them. It'll just add to the experience I swear.

♥︎,

Mint.

You with the sad smile, don't lose your courage/Dance in the high tide and don't be worried/Your soul's in a wild fire, feel it beating/Dreams on a gold wire, won't you believe it?

Yesterday was really bad but today was pretty good; let me tell you why.

So I signed up for an art course a few days ago and the first class was Tuesday at 9:30AM. I feel like just saying "I signed up for an art course" should explain the rest of the story lol can you guess what happened next in "The Story of an Extremely Depressed/Overly Anxious Girl Goes to an Art Class"?

For those of you who have NO idea what could POSSIBLY have happened, I'll tell you:

I didn't fucking go.

I got nervous. I knew the class wouldn't be big because it's on a Tuesday at 9:30 in the morning. Who the fuck doesn't have better shit to do on a Tuesday at 9:30 in the morning other than me?

So, I knew I could handle it. I knew it'd be fine because you aren't pressured to converse, there's no judgement on your person, there's just people learning how to draw a fucking circle.

I WANTED TO FUCKING GO. I WANTED TO DRAW A GODDAMN FUCKING CIRCLE. But noooooo, my head had to fuck me over as always. My head had to tell me, "You can't go in there, you don't fit in. See that girl over there? Yeah, her hair is down. And your hair? YOUR HAIR IS UP. WHY THE FUCK DID YOU WEAR YOUR HAIR UP!?"

My head told me, "Oh you can't go in. There's stairs that go up to the door. You're gonna fall. Wanna know what's worse? Since the class is upstairs, you're going to feel yourself shake the entire fucking floor when you walk because you're fat."

faaaaaaaaaaaaaat

faaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaat

you are faaaaaaaaaaaaaaat

"Those girls aren't wearing lipstick. Why are you wearing lipstick? Who are you pretending to be? You look like a fucking pretentious piece of shit. Oh, is that a scarf you're wearing too? Did you google 'how to look arty' or something? You're so embarrassing."

"Oh my god, look how far you have to walk before you even get to the stairs! They can see you from up there you know, they're gonna see you waddle. You're gonna slip on the ice and land on your fat ass and then waddle some more."

"Fuck, now you're crying? Really? Crying? Great, now you definitely can't go. Look at your puffy red cheeks. Look at your fucked up makeup. Even if they could get past all of that, you're face is just going to look so, so fucking sad. OR, the sadness will come across as bitchy and angry and no one will like you and everyone will think, 'why the fuck is is that grumpy girl even here? Her face is seriously ruining my day.'"

"Great. Now you're late dumbass! You spent all this time crying and hyperventilating and now look! You can't go 'cause now you're fucking late. Everyone will watch as you rush down the sidewalk, feel the building shake as you jump up the stairs, and roll their eyes when the pompous, fat fuck with the smeared racoon makeup says, 'sorry' for interrupting because she couldn't manage to get herself anywhere on time."

You didn't guess that this is what happened? Really??

We came home, and I stayed in my room all day crying because I really fucking wanted to go. I had told everyone I was going and they were so proud of me and I COULDN'T EVEN FUCKING GO.

Mom was mad due to me yelling at her because she just sat the car in front of the building for half an hour watching me freak the fuck out.

Then later in the day she got mad at me again because I apparently made her late to her first ever Zumba class, meaning she couldn't go. And then because she was in such a bad mood (again, my fault), she decided not to go to her first line-dancing class either. This made for an extremely angry mother who decided to drink a lot of wine.

She kept making weird sounds too, I went out there once because I was positive she was cutting herself or something, bu she was just angrily balancing her chequebook... better than self-harm I guess.

Today I woke up and still felt like shit. I was so disappointed in myself. I wanted to make 2017 good! I wanted to go to the art class, I wanted to apply to a job after! But no, I couldn't do it because I'm a pathetic loser who will never amount to anything and I should just find a way to fucking kill myself because I'm just this black cloud that ruins everyone's lives.

My original plan too was to get a Friday the 13th tattoo. I wanted to get it for a lot of sentimental reasons, but to be able to deserve it I needed to be showing progress within myself. To me, not going to the art class shows that I'm not changing or moving forward at all. It meant that nothing will ever be different and I'll forever allow my demons to hold me captive and force me to watch a life not being lived.

And then I stopped to think. B told me that when next Tuesday comes, I have another chance to go to the art class. She said that if I'm too scared to go that Tuesday, there's another and another until the end of March. Just because I didn't manage to go once doesn't mean that I failed all together.

I went there. That's a start. Next time, I'm going to go up the stairs and I'm going to go in and I'm going to learn how to draw that goddamn fuck of a circle.

I was still a little down though because I wanted to have accomplished something before getting the tattoo. The art class I had missed was supposed to be my "something before". So still no tattoo for Mint :/

But then I thought some more. I need to get that tattoo this Friday, this 13th. It's significant!! It won't have the same weight if I get it some other fucking time.

SO GENIUS ME WAS LIKE, "WELL I'M AFRAID OF A LOT OF SHIT. Why don't I do a bunch of other scary things on my own before Friday so then I can still get the tattoo? Then, by the time next Tuesday comes around I'll have the tattoo, feel all confident because I've already done a bunch of other scary shit (which will make the course no big deal), and VOILÀ!! Everything is still how I had envisioned it!!"

So, today (after finding yet another fucking spider in my room staring at me) I cleaned the house and smoked out the bad vibes with incense. Mom was gone when I had this enlightening moment (yoga) and so when she came home to everything clean and smelling well her tranquil soul was even happier.

After our energy was all clean from the negative pit that was Tuesday, I decided that I was going to apply to this job at a boutique I've been interested in. Mom drove me down and as we were driving I was just holding my worry stone repeating to myself that, "I want to do this, everything will be fine, I will manage."

I read that if you tell yourself that "you'll manage" it'll help. Because the truth is you WILL manage. Yeah you might not manage well, but in most cases, you're not going to fucking die in the situation you're going into. So, since your mind can easily believe that saying, it calms you down a bit and will help you manage better.

We got to the store and I jumped out of the car before it was even fully put into "park". I know that if I just rip off the bandaid quickly, I don't have enough time to convince myself into backing out. I mean, it's not like I'm just going to go back inside the car after getting out, that'd be weird man.

So long story short I went in there and flusteredly gave my resume to the assistant manager. I awkwardly shook her hand for some reason before I left LOL IDK IT WAS ALL A BLUR MAN

But I did it! I don't have much hope in getting the job, but who gives a shit; I did it. It was scary, but I did it meaning I'll be able to do it again. And again and again until I get the job that was meant for me.

Tomorrow, I'm going to walk my dog on my own around the block. I'm going to not go first thing in the morning when no one is even alive yet. I'm going to go around noon or something (afternoon is always the scariest time for me to do anything, don't ask me why, it's something about the light being too harsh or something). I'm also going to phone the art teacher lady and ask her what I missed. I'm doing that because talking on the phone is scary to me and also because I think that if the lady knows I exist, my mind will feel the need to go on Tuesday because she'll be expecting me! (hahaha I'm tricking teh brain 🤓)

AND THENNNN I'm going to phone the tattoo place I like to see if they even do walk-ins/if they'll even do my girly bitch ass tattoo. For some reason tattoo artists hate me and will never tattoo me. I've been refused by two different places and they were always really mean to me for some reason; so that'll be scary to do too (obviously).

Lastly, I'm going to a free guided meditation with my mom tomorrow night. This is scary because it's at a gym; and gyms are scary because they have a lot of good looking people; which is scary 'cause, HELLO I R POTATE. It's also scary because I don't know what's gonna happen. The unknown is like the definition of anxiety, so yessss.

It honestly doesn't sound like anything major, but these are big steps for me. I've isolated myself sooooo fucking well these past two and a half years; my anxiety is through the fucking roof it's insane.

I'll check in tomorrow to let y'all know how I did with all of this. I remember how when I started this blog, I wouldn't eat badly because I knew that if I did I'd have to write about it on here which would make me feel so defeated. So I'm taking tips from my old self: public humiliation! Great motivation lol

♥︎,

Mint.

I honestly didn't expect I'd write something sad this time, I'm sorry.

I can't think about you without a bad memory popping into my head. Even if I'm thinking about a good memory, there's always a bad one ready to step in.

My mind is getting really good at not remembering though so that's good I guess... but it leaves me with a huge pit of anxiety in the base of my tummy. It's like, the memories are there, but even though I'm not consciously thinking about them, the anxiety from them is still present. blah.

I'm trying really hard to make 2017 good. I'm trying to be happy and at peace, but it's not going well so far. I'm so afraid of everything it's insane. Everything makes me want to cry.

Since the upset that happened in May, my emotions have been constantly at the surface; waiting to flood at any sign of a crack. Since I'm made of eggshell, cracks are frequently present and I drown. It sucks.

I'm also very aware of the fact that apparently people can read my emotion like a bright neon sign. That makes me uncomfortable because what if they interpret me wrong? What if they read my fright as bitchiness or something like that, you know? Because that has happened to me a lot (people don't speak very quietly), and it makes me feel worse and I just want to cry and run away.

I also hate how all my clothes are from like 3 years ago or more so they have holes, are stretched, faded, obviously out of style, and make me look gigantic because they're baggy but they don't relax (does that make sense?) which makes me look like I'm actually that size. I hate how my forehead has like loose fucking skin and wrinkles at any sign of emotion. I hate that all the fat has gone from my face so my cheeks have weird lines now too when I smile (which is very rare but still).

I don't like how I gained 2 pounds over Christmas, not to mention the other 3 I gained when I first came back home. (I WAS AT FUCKING 121 LBS WHEN I CAME BACK I AM SO ANGRY)

I don't like how alone I am either. I do talk to BB since apparently we're still together but we barely text (no phone calls or FaceTime) so I'm basically on my own. I've lost so much because of my relationship with him... *sigh*

I FEEL SO OLD AND HELPLESS. I can't do anything because I'm so afraid of everything. I can't make money because of it, I can't learn because of it, I can't make friends because of it, I can't be happy...
I spent the best years of my 20's with a goddamn prick and he sucked out all my youth, hope, and potential. I'm done, I'm washed up and I'm a stupid ugly hag with no fucking future.

AND I'M SO NEGATIVE AND I HATE IT AND I'M SO ANNOYING BECAUSE I'M DISTRACTED BY THE STORM I'M IN, I CAN'T FOCUS ON ANYTHING ELSE AND PEOPLE HATE IT. AND I DON'T BLAME THEM, WHY WOULD ANYONE WANT TO TRY TO COMMUNICATE WITH THIS MESS? It's pointless and exhausting. I'm sorry, I'm sorry to everyone who comes in contact with me.

This is why BB is in the back of my mind. Yes he kinda chewed me up and spat me out, but he still wants me. He'd be with me when I honestly can't think of why anyone else would put up with this ball of sadness. People attract what they put out, and I just can't. No matter how hard I try, I just fuck up more; become more and more afraid. No good person will ever come near I feel.

I mean, if I was good, I know I wouldn't want to pick up a pile of negativity. That'd be such a downer, that'd be pointless, and hurtful for no reason.

Sad. I'm sad.

To define is to limit.

A twenty-year old girl learnt that she was free;

Free from the chains of the teenage dream.

She could be anyone, go anywhere, do anything

She had finally emerged; the most royal of violets, the most shimmering of lights, the most gorgeous wings to have ever kissed skies which melt into stars; she was born anew.

Branding her new flesh with courage and strength, she took her first breath.

...

A melody of angels filled your ears,

Her exhale made your mountains quake.

Across the room you were guided by her soft, warm glow

Through the thick smoke and hazed images, you found clarity.

Shook sober with a smile.

You were the crossword in last Sunday's paper:

Half-filled, ink smeared, stained with black coffee;

          Given up on by each who took the corner booth.

A blanket of undisturbed snow was now at your feet, and you snuggled right in.

I don't think you meant to do what you did

I don't think you had bad intentions in your heart

But you took her.

You took her and made her an extension of yourself.

You saw youthful innocence, a slate clean of all the evils that haunt your every dream

(you still awake with tears in your eyes and a whimper on your lips)

A girl who had never known love

A girl who looked in the mirror and saw a hideous beast

You took her and drugged her with words of forever,

An addiction to a possessive touch.

Each and every day you'd sign your name a different way onto her skin

After just one

          (just one!)

                    month I stopped her to ask with blue smoke pouring from my sick, decaying lungs,

"Who are you?"

She looked down at herself, a cast covered with sharpie,

"I am his."

                    she whispered; her back turned to all she once had known.