You with the sad smile, don't lose your courage/Dance in the high tide and don't be worried/Your soul's in a wild fire, feel it beating/Dreams on a gold wire, won't you believe it?

Yesterday was really bad but today was pretty good; let me tell you why.

So I signed up for an art course a few days ago and the first class was Tuesday at 9:30AM. I feel like just saying "I signed up for an art course" should explain the rest of the story lol can you guess what happened next in "The Story of an Extremely Depressed/Overly Anxious Girl Goes to an Art Class"?

For those of you who have NO idea what could POSSIBLY have happened, I'll tell you:

I didn't fucking go.

I got nervous. I knew the class wouldn't be big because it's on a Tuesday at 9:30 in the morning. Who the fuck doesn't have better shit to do on a Tuesday at 9:30 in the morning other than me?

So, I knew I could handle it. I knew it'd be fine because you aren't pressured to converse, there's no judgement on your person, there's just people learning how to draw a fucking circle.

I WANTED TO FUCKING GO. I WANTED TO DRAW A GODDAMN FUCKING CIRCLE. But noooooo, my head had to fuck me over as always. My head had to tell me, "You can't go in there, you don't fit in. See that girl over there? Yeah, her hair is down. And your hair? YOUR HAIR IS UP. WHY THE FUCK DID YOU WEAR YOUR HAIR UP!?"

My head told me, "Oh you can't go in. There's stairs that go up to the door. You're gonna fall. Wanna know what's worse? Since the class is upstairs, you're going to feel yourself shake the entire fucking floor when you walk because you're fat."

faaaaaaaaaaaaaat

faaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaat

you are faaaaaaaaaaaaaaat

"Those girls aren't wearing lipstick. Why are you wearing lipstick? Who are you pretending to be? You look like a fucking pretentious piece of shit. Oh, is that a scarf you're wearing too? Did you google 'how to look arty' or something? You're so embarrassing."

"Oh my god, look how far you have to walk before you even get to the stairs! They can see you from up there you know, they're gonna see you waddle. You're gonna slip on the ice and land on your fat ass and then waddle some more."

"Fuck, now you're crying? Really? Crying? Great, now you definitely can't go. Look at your puffy red cheeks. Look at your fucked up makeup. Even if they could get past all of that, you're face is just going to look so, so fucking sad. OR, the sadness will come across as bitchy and angry and no one will like you and everyone will think, 'why the fuck is is that grumpy girl even here? Her face is seriously ruining my day.'"

"Great. Now you're late dumbass! You spent all this time crying and hyperventilating and now look! You can't go 'cause now you're fucking late. Everyone will watch as you rush down the sidewalk, feel the building shake as you jump up the stairs, and roll their eyes when the pompous, fat fuck with the smeared racoon makeup says, 'sorry' for interrupting because she couldn't manage to get herself anywhere on time."

You didn't guess that this is what happened? Really??

We came home, and I stayed in my room all day crying because I really fucking wanted to go. I had told everyone I was going and they were so proud of me and I COULDN'T EVEN FUCKING GO.

Mom was mad due to me yelling at her because she just sat the car in front of the building for half an hour watching me freak the fuck out.

Then later in the day she got mad at me again because I apparently made her late to her first ever Zumba class, meaning she couldn't go. And then because she was in such a bad mood (again, my fault), she decided not to go to her first line-dancing class either. This made for an extremely angry mother who decided to drink a lot of wine.

She kept making weird sounds too, I went out there once because I was positive she was cutting herself or something, bu she was just angrily balancing her chequebook... better than self-harm I guess.

Today I woke up and still felt like shit. I was so disappointed in myself. I wanted to make 2017 good! I wanted to go to the art class, I wanted to apply to a job after! But no, I couldn't do it because I'm a pathetic loser who will never amount to anything and I should just find a way to fucking kill myself because I'm just this black cloud that ruins everyone's lives.

My original plan too was to get a Friday the 13th tattoo. I wanted to get it for a lot of sentimental reasons, but to be able to deserve it I needed to be showing progress within myself. To me, not going to the art class shows that I'm not changing or moving forward at all. It meant that nothing will ever be different and I'll forever allow my demons to hold me captive and force me to watch a life not being lived.

And then I stopped to think. B told me that when next Tuesday comes, I have another chance to go to the art class. She said that if I'm too scared to go that Tuesday, there's another and another until the end of March. Just because I didn't manage to go once doesn't mean that I failed all together.

I went there. That's a start. Next time, I'm going to go up the stairs and I'm going to go in and I'm going to learn how to draw that goddamn fuck of a circle.

I was still a little down though because I wanted to have accomplished something before getting the tattoo. The art class I had missed was supposed to be my "something before". So still no tattoo for Mint :/

But then I thought some more. I need to get that tattoo this Friday, this 13th. It's significant!! It won't have the same weight if I get it some other fucking time.

SO GENIUS ME WAS LIKE, "WELL I'M AFRAID OF A LOT OF SHIT. Why don't I do a bunch of other scary things on my own before Friday so then I can still get the tattoo? Then, by the time next Tuesday comes around I'll have the tattoo, feel all confident because I've already done a bunch of other scary shit (which will make the course no big deal), and VOILÀ!! Everything is still how I had envisioned it!!"

So, today (after finding yet another fucking spider in my room staring at me) I cleaned the house and smoked out the bad vibes with incense. Mom was gone when I had this enlightening moment (yoga) and so when she came home to everything clean and smelling well her tranquil soul was even happier.

After our energy was all clean from the negative pit that was Tuesday, I decided that I was going to apply to this job at a boutique I've been interested in. Mom drove me down and as we were driving I was just holding my worry stone repeating to myself that, "I want to do this, everything will be fine, I will manage."

I read that if you tell yourself that "you'll manage" it'll help. Because the truth is you WILL manage. Yeah you might not manage well, but in most cases, you're not going to fucking die in the situation you're going into. So, since your mind can easily believe that saying, it calms you down a bit and will help you manage better.

We got to the store and I jumped out of the car before it was even fully put into "park". I know that if I just rip off the bandaid quickly, I don't have enough time to convince myself into backing out. I mean, it's not like I'm just going to go back inside the car after getting out, that'd be weird man.

So long story short I went in there and flusteredly gave my resume to the assistant manager. I awkwardly shook her hand for some reason before I left LOL IDK IT WAS ALL A BLUR MAN

But I did it! I don't have much hope in getting the job, but who gives a shit; I did it. It was scary, but I did it meaning I'll be able to do it again. And again and again until I get the job that was meant for me.

Tomorrow, I'm going to walk my dog on my own around the block. I'm going to not go first thing in the morning when no one is even alive yet. I'm going to go around noon or something (afternoon is always the scariest time for me to do anything, don't ask me why, it's something about the light being too harsh or something). I'm also going to phone the art teacher lady and ask her what I missed. I'm doing that because talking on the phone is scary to me and also because I think that if the lady knows I exist, my mind will feel the need to go on Tuesday because she'll be expecting me! (hahaha I'm tricking teh brain 🤓)

AND THENNNN I'm going to phone the tattoo place I like to see if they even do walk-ins/if they'll even do my girly bitch ass tattoo. For some reason tattoo artists hate me and will never tattoo me. I've been refused by two different places and they were always really mean to me for some reason; so that'll be scary to do too (obviously).

Lastly, I'm going to a free guided meditation with my mom tomorrow night. This is scary because it's at a gym; and gyms are scary because they have a lot of good looking people; which is scary 'cause, HELLO I R POTATE. It's also scary because I don't know what's gonna happen. The unknown is like the definition of anxiety, so yessss.

It honestly doesn't sound like anything major, but these are big steps for me. I've isolated myself sooooo fucking well these past two and a half years; my anxiety is through the fucking roof it's insane.

I'll check in tomorrow to let y'all know how I did with all of this. I remember how when I started this blog, I wouldn't eat badly because I knew that if I did I'd have to write about it on here which would make me feel so defeated. So I'm taking tips from my old self: public humiliation! Great motivation lol

♥︎,

Mint.